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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My parents miss out on their grandchild

288 replies

Sa09aez · 12/09/2021 04:54

My parents decided to move abroad when I was 17 years old, without me. Since they moved they have visited the UK every every 2 years. I do not visit often as it’s a 15 hour flight away and tickets are extremely expensive.

I am now 30 years old and I am expecting my first baby soon. I can’t help but feel resentful towards them as they have missed out on so much of my life and our relationship is not the best as it’s been hard to create a bond with them since they moved away 10+ years ago.

I can’t help but feel angry towards my mum as she won’t be here to help out or be around her grandchild. They probably won’t meet my baby until she is 2.

I’ve been contemplating cutting them off completely and stopping contact. But I fear doing so won’t impact them in any way, my mum wouldn’t care and my dad would probably be happy. I’d be the only person sad about it.

Am I wrong for resenting them?

OP posts:

Azerothi · 12/09/2021 07:50

@Lonelylooloo
That is a nasty and unkind post. Who cares what a paragon of virtue you make your mum out to be. She clearly didn't bother teaching you sensitivity and kindness.

CassandraTrotter · 12/09/2021 07:50

@Esspee

I am the only one to see that we have probably received a very one sided story from the OP. If it is exactly as portrayed the the parents behaved abominably. It would be interesting to hear their side of the events. (I know of one, even younger, girl who refused to move with her parents and knowing her story from both sides makes me highly sceptical of the narrative presented here)

Even if, as a child, op didnt want to move a 15 hour flight away, and not that her parents told her to stay behind and finish college, how would that in any way make her responsible for parents abandoning her?

Blanca87 · 12/09/2021 07:50

@Esspee must be the OP’s mum as there can be no other reason why someone would come on to a thread and justify parents abandoning their 17 year old…

ejhhhhh · 12/09/2021 07:52

@Esspee, I'm not sure what a 17 year old could have done that would justify abandoning a child. If if they're the teenager from hell, their job it to still stick around an attempt to parent. Maybe the OP didn't want to go and refused to go? In that event, the family don't go, it's not right to leave a child behind.

MsChatterbox · 12/09/2021 07:53

So awful for you. Well done for making it through. Congratulations on your baby. I agree with considering counselling especially when baby is here. It might be even harder for you to comprehend what your parents did when you experience that love.

3scape · 12/09/2021 07:53

Obviously your parents don't deserve your time or headspace, they're awful people. Its very hard to just put aside the hurt parents cause when they don't care, but some time with counselling or therapy might help you.

Your family is your DH and your child now. Congratulations on your pregnancy. If DH's family are supportive then encourage that and your "found" family network of friends. Be honest with them all. They mean more than your absent parents and going forward your child won't even see your parents (Why would you make the effort?!).
You've done so much in your life without them, this might seem huge but it really does sound as though you've got this. best wishes

LublinToDublin · 12/09/2021 07:54

@EvenRosesHaveThorns

If it was the other way round, a young adult leaving their parents to follow an opportunity and live abroad, you wouldn't be getting told that was selfish, you would be getting told you have one life, live it, see the world, cut the apron strings, they can't guilt trip you into staying . This is just the reverse of that, but I don't see that it's particularly selfish.

How can you possibly say that this situation is the same as reversed roles! Parents have a duty of care (plus legal responsibilities) for their children. Not vice versa ffs.

Wtf1980 · 12/09/2021 07:55

I would definitely review how you feel when baby is here.
My situation was a bit different as my mum decided she didn't want to parent me anymore at the age of 11 and ran of with her then partner.
I tried all manor of things to have a relationship with her until I had my first child.
I realised then that she was no parent and put all my energy into being the parent she never was.

lockdownmadnessdotcom · 12/09/2021 07:58

@EvenRosesHaveThorns

Normally I would agree with you but not when it's parents leaving a 17 year old with no financial or emotional support. I can't fathom it at all.

Kiduknot · 12/09/2021 07:59

Another one validating your feelings.

How do you get on with them when they visit? Is it really superficial, do they seem pleased to see you, or are they more interested in talking about themselves than you?
How would you describe your childhood?

All these things and a lot more, be thrashed out in therapy and will help you come to a decision about moving forward. But pp are right, do things for you, that inner hurt child that you still are. Don’t do it for your child. That’s really not the point.

DeborahAnnabel · 12/09/2021 07:59

Your parents are absolute cunts. To leave their child at 17. To leave a child who’d just lost the person they were due to live with and go anyway.
To sell a house from under you while you were still a mere teenager effectively leaving you homeless?

Don’t bother wasting your feelings on them. They don’t deserve them. Instead get therapy and grey rock them anytime they do contact you. I wouldn’t personally make a big show of blocking them. I would just cease contact them with them. I might respond to any contact they initiate if I felt that way inclined but entirely on my own terms.

Goodness OP, I’m sorry you were dealt such a shit parenting hand in life.

Footprintsonmyfloor · 12/09/2021 08:02

Wow. As a mum, I’d never leave my 17 year old to move away, it’s even worse that they didn’t continue to support you with financial help and housing after leaving.

I’m sorry they are so shitty. They sound like they’d be useless grandparents anyway.

Good luck with your new baby.

CheekyAFAIK · 12/09/2021 08:04

They abandoned you. You needed them and they weren't there. You're now expecting your own and thinking through what that means and you're having a fresh wtf moment realising what the bond between child and parent is supposed to mean.

Have whatever relationship with them suits YOU best. Get some therapy. Know that you are not the same as them and you can and will do better by your own child.

CheekyAFAIK · 12/09/2021 08:05

The good thing is that up til now they've been your family, now you have a chance to redefine that family and focus on your partner and baby and build a family that is full of warmth and love.

MumOfTwoChildren · 12/09/2021 08:07

I could have written this, my parents moved abroad when I was 18, I'm now late 20s and have 2 children, my dad hasn't seen my son since he was 2 weeks old, he's 3 next month and neither of them have met my youngest. I would love to say we speak regularly and they do video calls every week but honestly they don't, they don't reply to messages, when i try to arrange a video call they're not bothered and unless i call them first, I'd never hear from them. It's hard, you feel ignored and forgotten about. Wish i had some advice but I don't, i love my parents dearly but they don't take any interest in mine or their grandchildrens lives, I've learnt to accept that.

bigbaggyeyes · 12/09/2021 08:09

Moving 15 hours away by plane, leaving you alone and without financial help at 17 tells you all you need to know about how utterly selfish and cruel your parents are.

I'd not want them in your dc lives, you sound lovely op and they've treated you appallingly. Get yourself some councilling to come to terms with their actions then go low contact and enjoy your life with your family

Notdoingthis · 12/09/2021 08:10

OP, put yourself first. Do what works for you and your child.
My parents live in the same country as me but make no effort to visit and never call. It is hurtful that they are so disinterested in theor grandchildren, but in the end they are the ones missing out.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 12/09/2021 08:15

It's sad for you, and what they did was pretty selfish - but they won't miss out on your grandchild by the sound of it.

You're more worried that your baby will miss out on them as grandparents - but in all honesty, baby won't miss what they've never known. Forcing relations between uninterested adults and children is rarely a good plan - so I'd wait for them to SHOW any interest before putting yourself through any major decisions.

In other words, let them come to you for information, pics etc. If they're not bothered, then they won't bother and you'll know to leave them out of your DC's life as much as possible, because they won't be around enough to have any positive impact on your child.

AutumnBliss · 12/09/2021 08:16

Wow, such cold and callous parents.

I would treat them as cold as they treat you. As an only child will you inherit from them? Do you know if they have put you in their will? If so, I would just carry on the LC with them to make sure you get your compensation for the way they have treated you.

Beautiful3 · 12/09/2021 08:23

They left you at age 17?! You stayed in your grandma's house for 2 years with no help?! Thats terrible, I'm so sorry. I certainly wouldn't waste my money on flights to visit them. Think I'd let them see my baby once every 2 years, if I was free. Sad to think that child won't really know your mum and dad. What happens when one parent dies, would they ask you for help,.and want to.move back?.Think I'd owe them nothing and detach from them as much as possible.

Wineandroses3 · 12/09/2021 08:23

Wow your parents sound so, so selfish what they have done , living in an empty flat weeks after your grandmother died at 17 with your parents miles away? What!!! That must have been so hard for you. I admire you so much, I still rely on my parents now and I’m 39! You sound like such a strong person and I am happy that soon you will have your own baby to love and cherish . Your parents are the ones who have missed out and who will miss out. I do think you should write them a letter and say everything you need to say to them. They need to own what they did , but I understand being the type of ppl they are they probably won’t but I would still put it to them. Congratulations on your pregnancy and hope your new arrival brings you the happiness you clearly deserve 💐 xxx

Artdecolover · 12/09/2021 08:23

Yanbu
I assume they are on good health now?
That's good.
Because you won't be looking after them in their dotage!
I fail too see what you would be missing by going NC tbh...you don't have a relationship with them to lose
Really feel for you...awful thing to do x

SpiderinaWingMirror · 12/09/2021 08:24

That is utterly terrible. We relocated within the UK when our daughters were 19 and 22 (and 9).
We waited until we were certain of what the older ones were doing. 19 year old had a job and boyfriend. So stayed behind. But she did have love and support from us and continues to do so. Older one had finished uni.
Agree counselling and just minimal contact for now. You've got 2 years to figure out whether you want to see them again.

dottiedodah · 12/09/2021 08:26

I feel for you, and cannot imagine being left by your parents to live alone in your Grandmas house! I think this is more common than you think .A friend with 3 boys who went regularly for sleepovers and so on ,was told that her parents were leaving for S Africa the very next day FFS! She has passed on sadly and neither returned for her funeral!

Orgasmagorical · 12/09/2021 08:27

I’ve been contemplating cutting them off completely and stopping contact. But I fear doing so won’t impact them in any way, my mum wouldn’t care and my dad would probably be happy.

This stands out to me. Do you want to cut them off as a punishment for what they've done or for you to be able to move on with your life?

You are absolutely not wrong for resenting them, your feelings are perfectly understandable, but if you only want to cut them off as a punishment it might not be for you. If you want to have them out of your life so you can start dealing with the old hurt and not suffer any future hurt that would be a better reason, I think, for your own peace of mind.

They don't sound like they've been at all supportive of you, Sa09aez, I agree that counselling would be a good idea for you to work through the feelings they have left you with

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