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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DH shouldn't put money towards this present?

233 replies

speer · 11/09/2021 23:27

DH is very close to his brother and nephew (16) and they often spend time together.

BILs birthday is coming up, the other day nephew messaged DH telling him he wants to buy him some tickets, but might need his help (buying them online). Nephew told DH he'll pay for his own ticket and BILs but DH could go if he wanted, and he is.

Anyway, today nephew messaged DH saying he doesn't think he has enough money for the tickets (they are expensive, even for just one person!) and has asked DH if he'd give him the money.

DH has already bought BIL a present and these tickets would just be from nephew, and not DH as well even if he put some money towards them.

AIBU to think he shouldn't do this? Just to add, our finances are joint, I wouldn't care if it was his own money.

OP posts:
FortunesFave · 11/09/2021 23:30

Can he afford it? If he can afford it then he should do it. It sounds like your nephew had a kind idea but at 16, naturally he's not been as able to pull it off as he thought. If it was my DH I'd say do it....it's his brother after all. If the cost would leave you without basics though...then don't do it.

MurielSpriggs · 11/09/2021 23:34

I agree with @FortunesFave. It really depends on the amounts involved and how tight your finances are (and whether the nephew has form for being a cheeky fucker). My inclination would be to say that he should help out. The boy is trying to do a nice thing for his dad, not scrounge money for himself.

Sosigsandwich · 11/09/2021 23:35

Depends if you can afford. If we could then I would without question.

minionsrule · 11/09/2021 23:35

Agree with FortunesFave if you can afford it, it would be a nice thing to do.
Nephew probably a bit gutted he thought of a great present but now realised he can't afford it. That's on the basis he's asking your day to make up the shortfall, not the whole cost.
Alternatively can nephews mum not contribute?

SylvanasWindrunner · 11/09/2021 23:36

Yeah, I agree with PP. Sounds like nephew had a nice idea but misjudged. If your DH can afford it then I don't see the harm. He could work out a repayment schedule with nephew if he really wanted to, but if it wasn't a lot of money to me then I would help out. Sounds like they all have a nice relationship!

minionsrule · 11/09/2021 23:36

your dh not day!

Akire · 11/09/2021 23:36

If you can afford I would. At 16 you can be clueless about how things cost and he may have hinted he has a lovey surprise and the like. But it would be a joint gift from both of them his idea your hard cash. Unless it’s a loan then would keep quiet.

If we talking £80 ticket say how would his dad think he got the cash?

trumpisagit · 11/09/2021 23:38

How much are the tickets, and how much does the nephew need from DH?
Yes, it would be the kind thing to do.

blubberyboo · 11/09/2021 23:38

If DH wants to do this kind gesture to help his nephew out then of course he should

Needcoffeecoffeecoffee · 11/09/2021 23:40

I would probably do it and use the birthday present as a Christmas present
I bet the nephew is really upset now hes realised the cost and that it wont work out. If dh would enjoy going with bil and nephew it sounds a good idea

Ragwort · 11/09/2021 23:44

I guess it depends how much impact the cost has on your finances, my DH and I share all money, although he does earn considerably more than me but he wouldn't begrudge me spending on a relative or close friend. Confused. This is also your nephew and DBIL ... unless you are really hard up you sound a little mean and bitter.

HollowTalk · 11/09/2021 23:46

Why can't he ask his mother?

HeddaGarbled · 11/09/2021 23:50

I think you should help the lad treat his dad, and never ever mention to anyone that you did so.

SMabbutt · 11/09/2021 23:56

It depends on how much the tickets are snd how much your nephew has actually saved. If the tickets sre £80 each and he he has saved most of it then I would feel more inclined to help than if he has only saved a small amount. As he was buying tickets for his dad and himself could your DH offer to pay the shortfall as an early xmas present for his nephew. Or make him a loan that he pays back weekly or does spme jobs for you to earn it.

GreyhoundG1rl · 11/09/2021 23:59

What percentage (roughly) is he short? He's hardly asking for the full amount if he initially thought he might be able to afford them himself?

DifferentHair · 12/09/2021 00:03

These questions are impossible to answer without information about the cost of the tickets relative to you and DH's discretionary income/ spending.

If your DH can comfortably afford it then personally I think he'd be tight not too.

If your family is scaling by and these tickets are going to eat into your grocery budget then obviously agreeing to buy them would be ridiculous.

So the answer is somewhere between 'yabu of course he should by them?! and YANBU what is nephew thinking?!'

Stompythedinosaur · 12/09/2021 00:05

Depends how much money we are talking. Nice to help out his nephew if he can. A bit churlish to worry about getting the credit.

GreyhoundG1rl · 12/09/2021 00:06

No more details forthcoming...
Leads me to suspect there's not the outrageous sum involved that op would have us believe.

Chloemol · 12/09/2021 00:09

I would ask dh to but them but nephew is to pay him back so much a week/month or whatever

CassandraTrotter · 12/09/2021 00:10

I think if the money wouldnt cause you hardship or inconvenience, he should. The boy is 16. He probably didnt think it through beyond his dad would love it.

katemuff · 12/09/2021 00:11

Is it a concert or a weekend away at a F1 event?

Cocomarine · 12/09/2021 00:14

Your finances may be joint, but surely you allow a discretion spending amount each?
What have you bought your BIL? You could chip in as your gift to him.
But, basically - WEES. It’s unanswerable if you’re going to post and run 🤷🏻‍♀️

thepeopleversuswork · 12/09/2021 00:21

Unless you really can’t afford it I would do it. The nephew will remember the generosity of the gesture forever and would probably remember forever if your DH said no.

If it’s a small amount of money I think it would be quite petty to say no. Yes he should have thought it through but he’s a kid of 16 and punishing him for an error intended to show love comes across as a bit mean tbh.

CallMeRisley · 12/09/2021 00:26

What present has DH already bought- could he give that to nephew to give to his Dad, and DH get the tickets as a present if it’s something he wants to go to too. He could ask nephew for £20 towards nephew’s own ticket or something.

BathMatToe · 12/09/2021 05:38

You're being mean.
Let dh put in for the tickets for the poor lad to treat his dad. Unless it's 1k a ticket. He can keep his other gift for Xmas if he's that arsed.