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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DH shouldn't put money towards this present?

233 replies

speer · 11/09/2021 23:27

DH is very close to his brother and nephew (16) and they often spend time together.

BILs birthday is coming up, the other day nephew messaged DH telling him he wants to buy him some tickets, but might need his help (buying them online). Nephew told DH he'll pay for his own ticket and BILs but DH could go if he wanted, and he is.

Anyway, today nephew messaged DH saying he doesn't think he has enough money for the tickets (they are expensive, even for just one person!) and has asked DH if he'd give him the money.

DH has already bought BIL a present and these tickets would just be from nephew, and not DH as well even if he put some money towards them.

AIBU to think he shouldn't do this? Just to add, our finances are joint, I wouldn't care if it was his own money.

OP posts:
Singinghollybob · 12/09/2021 10:49

I'd do what other people have suggested and give the DN his ticket as a bifthday/Xmas present. If £90 is more than you'd usually spend on him, then I'd say its his present for the next 2/3 years or however long it'd take to spend that much

tttigress · 12/09/2021 10:55

I would to be honest, assuming you can afford it.

Darkstar4855 · 12/09/2021 11:00

What does your husband think? What does he want to do? Hard to say whether YABU without knowing that.

saraclara · 12/09/2021 11:00

I love how MN threads are full of horror at CFery from adults. Yet here, most people are encouraging OP to train nephew up in it. And saying she's mean if she doesn't.

saraclara · 12/09/2021 11:03

I'm not saying that nephew set out to be a CF on this occasion. But if he discovers that there's an easy way to avoid responsibility today, he'll take that on board as he gets older. And in five years someone will be posting on here about him.

Notaroadrunner · 12/09/2021 11:16

Absolutely no way would I want Dh to do this. Nephew should have done his research before getting Dh involved and known how much the tickets would be and therefore know he couldn't afford them as a gift. Tell nephew he'll have to rethink his birthday present for his father and leave Dh out of it this time.

Notaroadrunner · 12/09/2021 11:19

@cunningartificer

So I’d lend the £20, buy nephew his ticket as early Christmas present and DH gets his own. They all get to go together, your DH gets credit for present to nephew, if that’s important, and nephew gets credit for present to dad and can pay back £20. Nephew is asking for something from someone he trusts. I wouldn’t spoil it by treating him as though he’s lying cheating CF unless this is a constant thing. It sounds as though it’s a one off …

And actually if my child bought me a present of something I’d love and I found out later my sister had helped them out when they budgeted badly, I’d just be grateful to her for being so kind. I certainly wouldn’t think worse of my child. Or consider it a “deception”. I don’t generally enquire in detail about the financing of present given to me. I’ve thanked nieces for presents I’m fairly certain parents helped fund but wouldn’t dream of calling them out on it.

And what if op and her Dh don't spend such a ridiculous amount of money on presents for nieces and nephews? If I thought my kids were sponging off my siblings to get me a present I'd be mortified and would have no issue telling my kids to spend within their means.
boxonthehill · 12/09/2021 11:19

Okay so I'd lend the £20 for dad's ticket, to be paid back. That way the gift is actually being paid for by the son so no embarrassment..

Then DH can pay for his own ticket and gift his nephew his ticket as an early Xmas & birthday present

JesusMaryAndJosephAndTheWeeDon · 12/09/2021 11:24

Can nephew buy the ticket for his Dad and your DH pay for nephew's ticket (or half of it depending upon cost) as an early Xmas and/or birthday present?

If nephew is still short perhaps a small loan? Or and agreement to do some jobs to earn the shortfall?

I think it is right to try and help if you can afford it, but it wouldn't be right to just pay for the Dad's tickets when they are a gift from his son.

DancesWithTortoises · 12/09/2021 11:25

It's too big an ask, OP. Thin end of the wedge, I predict.

ShuddaBeenMe · 12/09/2021 11:26

People saying lend him the £20 for his dad's ticket - are you missing the fact that the nephew won't have money for his own ticket?

He's got £70 towards 2x £90 tickets. And then the husband will need to buy his own too.

diddl · 12/09/2021 11:28

Does it have to be a present?

I mean can't they all just pay their own way & go if it's something they are all interested in?

Eralos · 12/09/2021 11:31

Tricky one. I’d leave this up to your DH.

LivingLaVidaBabyShower · 12/09/2021 11:33

@TatianaBis

So £200 all in. No.
Yep. This. He needs to find an alternate gift or ask his mum
Howshouldibehave · 12/09/2021 11:36

@diddl

Does it have to be a present?

I mean can't they all just pay their own way & go if it's something they are all interested in?

This.

And the nephew shouldn’t be trying to claim solo glory on it. That’s the bit that would annoy me the most-that’s not a really grateful teen whose made a mistake budgeting, it’s just cheeky.

GreyhoundG1rl · 12/09/2021 11:39

I can't see the problem, really. He can afford it, it's somewhere they'd all love to go 🤷🏻‍♀️

KittenMama · 12/09/2021 11:41

How old is DH's nephew?

Plumtree391 · 12/09/2021 11:41

I think if your husband can afford it, he should do it. Only if he wants to of course and obviously not if you are hard up, which you say you are not.

I'm all for joint finances up to a point but everyone should have a bit of money to spend how they choose, once they get past the scrimping and saving phase.

Noshowwithoutpunch · 12/09/2021 11:43

I'd expect nephew to pay back X amount every week/month for the 2 tickets.
If he could then I'd go ahead and pay.
If he couldn't then it'd be a "No, sorry!"

boxonthehill · 12/09/2021 11:47

Oh I did just think about the actual business of paying to get there and food etc. Could end up a very expensive day out!

Singinghollybob · 12/09/2021 11:47

@KittenMama the OP says he's 16.

Howshouldibehave · 12/09/2021 11:48

@Noshowwithoutpunch

I'd expect nephew to pay back X amount every week/month for the 2 tickets. If he could then I'd go ahead and pay. If he couldn't then it'd be a "No, sorry!"
I’m presuming that as he hasn’t got a job, that won’t be happening!

I’d give the 16 year old’s mum a ring to discuss this.

Original poster
speer · 12/09/2021 11:48

What made you say that the present would be solely from the nephew even if DH paid, @speer? Did the nephew ask that?

Yes, nephew did ask that, which makes me not want DH to pay even more!

Even though our finances are joint, we do spend some on ourselves, and I don't mind DH buying things usually but this seems too much, especially as it was DH’s idea to begin with, DH just agreed to help nephew buy the tickets online.

OP posts:
clpsmum · 12/09/2021 11:49

I would help if I could tbh or at least tell dn to save another £20 and buy one ticket each

Howshouldibehave · 12/09/2021 11:51

it was DH’s idea to begin with

Is that a typo?

I wouldn’t want to pay on principle if nephew asked DH to pay but for him to take all the glory.

I think that’s really shitty.