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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DH shouldn't put money towards this present?

233 replies

speer · 11/09/2021 23:27

DH is very close to his brother and nephew (16) and they often spend time together.

BILs birthday is coming up, the other day nephew messaged DH telling him he wants to buy him some tickets, but might need his help (buying them online). Nephew told DH he'll pay for his own ticket and BILs but DH could go if he wanted, and he is.

Anyway, today nephew messaged DH saying he doesn't think he has enough money for the tickets (they are expensive, even for just one person!) and has asked DH if he'd give him the money.

DH has already bought BIL a present and these tickets would just be from nephew, and not DH as well even if he put some money towards them.

AIBU to think he shouldn't do this? Just to add, our finances are joint, I wouldn't care if it was his own money.

OP posts:
Ellmau · 12/09/2021 16:30

It’s entirely possible he’s already asked his mum and she’s said no.

Howshouldibehave · 12/09/2021 16:37

@Ellmau

It’s entirely possible he’s already asked his mum and she’s said no.
Well, we may never know if the OP doesn’t come back to this post.
gratedbeetroot · 12/09/2021 17:26

@mellicauli

I think you need to have a chat with your nephew. He probably needs to have a deeper think about gift giving.

Giving is lovely for the recipient and feels nice for the giver, but it is important to give within your means. The receiver would probably feel really embarrassed and guilty if they learned that you had spent all their money on a gift them: the exact opposite reaction to the one you want.

Gifts aren't such a big thing to adults as children because they make their own decisions about what to do with their money - and they have more of it (usually).

So probably his Dad might be happier with something smaller and thoughtful rather than a big gesture. It's only a token, not the measure of his love.

This.

It’s a lovely thought but it’s important he learns he needs to give within his means. What will he do next year? He’d likely feel the need to do something just as extravagant, unless it’s a special birthday.

Is there a chance if it’s an event he’d love that he might already have got himself a ticket? I’m also wondering about his mum.

Justilou1 · 13/09/2021 01:23

I think it’s a weird world view when @speer‘s financial contribution is completely dismissed, the participants have no knowledge of it at all so that “Uncle Generous Pants” gets all the joy and acknowledgement. AND @speer is excluded from the event, the closeness, the fun time, etc that she’s bloody paying for. Also, if she says no, she’s the patsy.

OneMoreStitch · 13/09/2021 06:31

Having a nice idea is fine, but at 16 he's old enough to understand that you can only give what you can afford to buy. Imo, it's not okay for the nephew to expect his uncle to pay so much and not even share the credit for the gift. That's odd and immature. I wouldn't be happy with that arrangement.

Kiduknot · 13/09/2021 09:39

Can’t you get him to work for you to earn the money? Gardening etc?

bellabasset · 13/09/2021 09:52

I don't think dh should buy the ticket as his nephew should have been aware of the cost before suggesting it. As others have suggested dh perhaps ought to speak to his SIL about it.

Bollindger · 13/09/2021 10:15

I had always thought these BIG event gifts that are a surprise where the giver tags along are really something the give wants to do.
The Dad would have to pay for transport, food and other items, like a hotel and spend far mire than the giver.
My Child proved this once. Tickets to a concert cost her £80 for 2 tickets. Cost me £250 in extras. For a £40 gift....

H007 · 13/09/2021 17:39

If he can afford it and wants to go he should it’s his family, the nephew can always pay him back.

Harleyband · 13/09/2021 17:50

I'd give him the money. No question. But I would make it my Christmas present to DN.

cherish123 · 13/09/2021 17:53

Could DN not ask his mum.?

Howshouldibehave · 13/09/2021 18:02

Are you ever coming back, @speer?!

Ddot · 13/09/2021 18:54

NO without question no. This is the problem, Children think money grows on trees. His idea, if he cant afford then he should choose a different gift. How do children respect money if it's just always there. When he needs to stand on his own two feet, he will get in a right mess.

Tigger1895 · 13/09/2021 19:14

Can your DH afford it and if so can you not say both presents are from himself and the nephew?

Passenger42 · 13/09/2021 19:18

Tell the nephew to shelve the idea of tickets as they are too expensive and to buy BIL something with his £20 that he has saved. Your DH sticks to his own birthday gift idea.

I think the nephew is trying to get your DH to fund a treat he really wants for himself 😃

Hugoslavia · 13/09/2021 19:32

DH should chip in the £20 for the ticket for DH, but not buy Nephew's ticket as it's not Nephew's birthday. If nephew wishes to also go with them, then he should see if his mother can treat him.

masterblaster · 13/09/2021 19:38

Jesus, it’s 20 quid (or 40?). If money isn’t tight, why do you care?

I consider myself to be an Uncle to my nieces and nephews on my sister’s side. Do you not think of yourself as their Aunt?

Howshouldibehave · 13/09/2021 19:41

Jesus, it’s 20 quid

No, it’s not.

If the OP’s husband pays for what’s being asked, it’s…

£20 for the uncle.
£90 for the nephew
£90 for the OP’s husband.

That’s without any other costs for the event-travel/food/drinks etc

cabingirl · 13/09/2021 19:54

I'd suggest that DH comes to an agreement with DN that he will buy the tickets but that DN is to repay the money for BIL tickets and the extra 20 he needs.

They can come up with a payment plan.

HebalGerbil · 13/09/2021 19:55

Maybe @speer has failed to come back because her husband has found this thread and thought "sod that".

Not only has this bloke got to get her blessing to spend any of his own money but she has dragged other people into it to disapprove of his spending also.

I really don't like to use this one but in this circumstance I do actually think if the the sexes were reversed that the man would be labeled financially abusive.

Mollymoostoo · 13/09/2021 20:24

@speer

The tickets are about £90 each, Nephew has £70 as he thought the tickets were cheaper (not sure why he didn't check).

It is somewhere BIL would want to go, but also would Nephew and DH. Nephew doesn't have a job, I'm not sure why he can't ask SIL or if he already has.

Finances aren't tight, but DH would have to buy two tickets and put money to another, I wouldn't mind if he just had to put the £20 to the one.

It isn't a big birthday, and they could do this anytime (next year or in a few months etc).

No I don't think you should help. Yes it is a lovely thought but a 16 year old needs to learn that big items have to be worked and saved for. I would say it was a lovely thought but perhaps save and do it another time
whynotwhatknot · 13/09/2021 20:25

If this is something you sa they can do another time then just nephew to carry on saving and do it at a later date as a belated present

thats alot of money to cover

whynotwhatknot · 13/09/2021 20:26

Tell nephew*

Mollymoostoo · 13/09/2021 20:27

@Justilou1

I think it’s a weird world view when *@speer*‘s financial contribution is completely dismissed, the participants have no knowledge of it at all so that “Uncle Generous Pants” gets all the joy and acknowledgement. AND *@speer* is excluded from the event, the closeness, the fun time, etc that she’s bloody paying for. Also, if she says no, she’s the patsy.
I agree. OP is also putting money in their joint finances.
Localocal · 14/09/2021 00:43

Can you DH return the present he got for his brother and join the nephew in the tickets present for all three?

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