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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DH shouldn't put money towards this present?

233 replies

speer · 11/09/2021 23:27

DH is very close to his brother and nephew (16) and they often spend time together.

BILs birthday is coming up, the other day nephew messaged DH telling him he wants to buy him some tickets, but might need his help (buying them online). Nephew told DH he'll pay for his own ticket and BILs but DH could go if he wanted, and he is.

Anyway, today nephew messaged DH saying he doesn't think he has enough money for the tickets (they are expensive, even for just one person!) and has asked DH if he'd give him the money.

DH has already bought BIL a present and these tickets would just be from nephew, and not DH as well even if he put some money towards them.

AIBU to think he shouldn't do this? Just to add, our finances are joint, I wouldn't care if it was his own money.

OP posts:
KingdomScrolls · 12/09/2021 08:15

If you can afford it it would be nice to cover the difference, so tickets are £100 nephew only has £75 cover the £25 difference. At sixteen he may not have realised how expensive they would be, but it's a nice plan. I'm assuming BIL is not with his mum or it should be her helping out

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 12/09/2021 08:16

I’d have no issue with this. If you don’t like him spending money don’t have a joint account.

5zeds · 12/09/2021 08:17

No I wouldn’t, nephew should buy him something he can afford and dh can sell his ticket or go without them. 16 is WAY too old for that nonsense.

AutumnBliss · 12/09/2021 08:19

DH is very close to his brother and nephew (16) and they often spend time together.

This is a lovely thing to hear and I would just suck up the money on this occasion.

ANameChangeAgain · 12/09/2021 08:20

I would. If newphew can't go because of finances it'll spoil it for everyone else. Call it an early Christmas present.
As others said, it really depends on your household finances. If it means your own children have to go without then no, if its an amount you won't notice then yes.

jerometheturnipking · 12/09/2021 08:21

The nephew should buy something he can afford. This sounds like it’s driven by the nephew wanting to go to the event himself. Tickets to concerts aren’t cheap - this could easily end up costing your DH £300.

Howshouldibehave · 12/09/2021 08:23

DH has already bought BIL a present and these tickets would just be from nephew, and not DH as well even if he put some money towards them.

So nephew is asking for DH to stump up the cash for these tickets but the gift will still be ‘from’ nephew?!

No, I don’t think I would.

How much is each ticket? How much has he saved? How could nephew get the amounts so wrong-are there SEN at play? I would be expecting nephew to ask his mum to help him out.

fourminutestosavetheworld · 12/09/2021 08:27

It depends whether he asked your dh to give the money or lend it, whether you can afford it, whether your dh actually wants to do the event and was looking forward to it, and the reasons why his nephew couldn't pull it off.

If he was working extra hours in a part time job but didn't manage to earn enough I'd be sympathetic. If he was going to use some of his savings and has now decided to buy festival tickets instead I wouldn't.

PegasusReturns · 12/09/2021 08:32

So many questions:

What’s the event - is it something Bil really wants to go to v something DN would like?
Can you afford it?
Does DN have form?

But honestly unless it leaves you in a tight spot I’d do it.

ohthatbloodycat · 12/09/2021 08:32

At the end of the day OP, it's nothing to do with you (unless there's some backstory and you're financing it).

ThisIsStartingToBoreMe · 12/09/2021 08:33

how much money are we talking about here?

girlmom21 · 12/09/2021 08:36

@ohthatbloodycat

At the end of the day OP, it's nothing to do with you (unless there's some backstory and you're financing it).
She literally says they have joint finances in the OP and that she'd have no issue if it was DH's own money rather than family money...
Immaculatemisconception · 12/09/2021 08:48

I think he should definitely do it, it would be terribly mean not to.

This thread raises the point about how finances are managed. To prevent issues such as this, I believe both partners should have their own money, to spend as they wish, incorporated into their budget.

spotcheck · 12/09/2021 08:50

It would be a lovely thing for your DH to do.
Is there not a mum on the scene? If not, then perhaps the OP's DH acts as another 'responsible adult' in his nephew's life.

To the people saying that 16 is old enough to know better.... Ffs. Honestly. So, at 16, if his nephew does have a job, he's likely to only have had it for a short time
How do people learn about money management if they haven't had practice?

LaikO · 12/09/2021 08:51

I'd say no, if he can't afford it then nephew should buy something he can afford.

BrilliantBetty · 12/09/2021 08:51

OP maybe he wants to go to the concert with his brother and nephew.
If he can afford it, what's the problem.

SaturdaySpread · 12/09/2021 08:55

It depends how much the money is to you.

I'd absolutely do it for my nephew and sister, especially if I was going on the outing too, but it wouldn't stop me having a family holiday or buying the shoes I've had my eye on.

Walkingalot · 12/09/2021 08:58

My DS used to try and pull that stunt all the time. I didn't care what people thought, he'd get a telling off, while stretching a leg
out to keep the unlocked cubicle door from flapping open!

Maybe a padded wrist strap next time you go out?

Sally872 · 12/09/2021 08:58

Unless it would leave us really struggling I would pay it. Was a nice thought.

Could nephew pay back dh before event? Just not in time for birthday? (Though for my brother and nephew that I am close to I would just pay)

nonevernotever · 12/09/2021 08:59

It depends on the cost. If it's abba in may next year at £750 and up for standing, £1600+ for a seat, then not a hope!

illuyankas · 12/09/2021 09:04

Wait, what does it mean by your finance in joint, doesn't he have any personal spending money and everything go into joint account? That doesn't sound right.

Ourlady · 12/09/2021 09:08

I guess your husband knows your nephew well enough to establish whether he's pulling a fast one or genuinely didn't realise he wouldn't be able to afford the tickets.

Surely if he knew this payment was coming up then he would have have at least some money saved towards it.

I would ask him how much he already has and offer to put the remainder as a loan

If he has nothing then he is being a bit sneaky in my opinion and had planned this all along.

TatianaBis · 12/09/2021 09:08

It’s odd because I’m generally very generous but I don’t agree with the majority here. Nephew is being a cheeky fucker. Never in my life have I asked my uncle for money. And I would be mortified if any of my kids tried to cadge money from my relations. Where is his mum in all this?

Bottom line is nephew thought of expensive present, discovered he couldn’t afford it. It’s not for his uncle to bail him out when he’s already got BIL a present. I’d suggest nephew buys something within budget this time and then saves up for next time.

Kiduknot · 12/09/2021 09:10

If it’s just a small shortfall then yes I would. With a reminder to be careful that he can actually afford things in future.

If it’s the whole thing then no. It’s a lesson for him not to promise or do things he can’t afford. Or at the very least give him the opportunity to “pay you “ back by doing chores etc.

godmum56 · 12/09/2021 09:11

again very drip feedy
how much has the nephew got of the total amount and how much is the total amount?
can it be afforded?
has your DH already bought his ticket and will it be wasted if he doesn't go?
I sense some back story here in the "if it wasn't joint finances" thing