Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DH shouldn't put money towards this present?

233 replies

speer · 11/09/2021 23:27

DH is very close to his brother and nephew (16) and they often spend time together.

BILs birthday is coming up, the other day nephew messaged DH telling him he wants to buy him some tickets, but might need his help (buying them online). Nephew told DH he'll pay for his own ticket and BILs but DH could go if he wanted, and he is.

Anyway, today nephew messaged DH saying he doesn't think he has enough money for the tickets (they are expensive, even for just one person!) and has asked DH if he'd give him the money.

DH has already bought BIL a present and these tickets would just be from nephew, and not DH as well even if he put some money towards them.

AIBU to think he shouldn't do this? Just to add, our finances are joint, I wouldn't care if it was his own money.

OP posts:
Original poster
speer · 12/09/2021 10:07

The tickets are about £90 each, Nephew has £70 as he thought the tickets were cheaper (not sure why he didn't check).

It is somewhere BIL would want to go, but also would Nephew and DH. Nephew doesn't have a job, I'm not sure why he can't ask SIL or if he already has.

Finances aren't tight, but DH would have to buy two tickets and put money to another, I wouldn't mind if he just had to put the £20 to the one.

It isn't a big birthday, and they could do this anytime (next year or in a few months etc).

OP posts:
JustSayingItHowItIs · 12/09/2021 10:08

*So the nephew grows up learning that he can a) lie to people he loves (this is a gift from me, dad) and v) expect people to bail him out when he over commits to what he can't afford.

If I was the parent and found out later that a gift I found incredibly touching and generous from my 16 year old, and which I'd effusively thanked them for, was actually paid for by someone else, I'd be really upset. And it would absolutely affect how I saw that child and the person who'd facilitated that deception.

Nephew needs to recognise that and ask for a loan, not a donation.*

It's really not that deep... OP hasn't even come back to this thread with more details.

TatianaBis · 12/09/2021 10:09

So £200 all in. No.

TatianaBis · 12/09/2021 10:10

£70 would buy a more than generous present. I don’t expect my teens to spend that much on me.

With presents it really is the thought that counts.

Beaudalaire · 12/09/2021 10:12

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the user's request.

Howshouldibehave · 12/09/2021 10:14

@speer

The tickets are about £90 each, Nephew has £70 as he thought the tickets were cheaper (not sure why he didn't check).

It is somewhere BIL would want to go, but also would Nephew and DH. Nephew doesn't have a job, I'm not sure why he can't ask SIL or if he already has.

Finances aren't tight, but DH would have to buy two tickets and put money to another, I wouldn't mind if he just had to put the £20 to the one.

It isn't a big birthday, and they could do this anytime (next year or in a few months etc).

So nephew hasn’t even got enough money to pay for himself?!

What made you say that the present would be solely from the nephew even if DH paid, @speer? Did the nephew ask that?

Presumably the first thing the dad is going to say is…’where did you get the best part of £200 from?!’, to his 16 year old son (who has no job) and then it will all come out and really taint the whole thing. He will be embarrassed and cross.

I wouldn’t want any part of it. I would tell nephew it was a nice idea but that it wasn’t happening this time.

Nephew wants to give a high glory present, paid for almost entirely by your DH and wants to take all the credit for it! It’s not a big birthday and you have already bought a gift.

It wouldn’t be happening if it was my situation.

toomuchlaundry · 12/09/2021 10:15

Would it be something your BIL and DH would have arranged at some point to go to?

Is there a possibility of the nephew getting a job to pay towards the tickets?

I suppose this has been a lesson on how much things cost

SteakandOnionPie · 12/09/2021 10:16

So he's going to fork out £200 plus the present he's already bought and it isn't even a big bday? I'd say no. Fine if it was a joint present for a big birthday and he put more in, but he'll have to keep quiet he contributed, spend loads and it isn't a big birthday anyway.

cunningartificer · 12/09/2021 10:17

So I’d lend the £20, buy nephew his ticket as early Christmas present and DH gets his own. They all get to go together, your DH gets credit for present to nephew, if that’s important, and nephew gets credit for present to dad and can pay back £20. Nephew is asking for something from someone he trusts. I wouldn’t spoil it by treating him as though he’s lying cheating CF unless this is a constant thing. It sounds as though it’s a one off …

And actually if my child bought me a present of something I’d love and I found out later my sister had helped them out when they budgeted badly, I’d just be grateful to her for being so kind. I certainly wouldn’t think worse of my child. Or consider it a “deception”. I don’t generally enquire in detail about the financing of present given to me. I’ve thanked nieces for presents I’m fairly certain parents helped fund but wouldn’t dream of calling them out on it.

Ellmau · 12/09/2021 10:18

So DN doesn’t even have enough for one ticket?

No, no, no. He will have to find a cheaper present.

Howshouldibehave · 12/09/2021 10:20

they could do this anytime (next year or in a few months etc)

Right, so it’s more tickets to an event that they could all go to later or rather than a once in a lifetime thing?

I would say to nephew that if he saves up the remaining £110, it could be a Xmas present for his dad instead.

I would be speaking to his mum to find out her thoughts on it as well. If that was my son trying to get my sibling to stump up nearly £200 for a brainwave he’d had for a day out, I would want to know!

No, I wouldn’t be paying.

saraclara · 12/09/2021 10:20

So I’d lend the £20, buy nephew his ticket as early Christmas present and DH gets his own

I think that is the perfect solution.

Howshouldibehave · 12/09/2021 10:24

@saraclara

So I’d lend the £20, buy nephew his ticket as early Christmas present and DH gets his own

I think that is the perfect solution.

Not in my family.

We have a £20 Christmas present cap for nieces/nephews. Is it fair to suddenly spend £90 on just one of them, as a reward for really poor budgeting and asking an uncle to claim no credit for paying the majority of the cost of an expensive gift.

I get that he had a great idea but he needs to understand the bigger picture so he doesn’t do this again.

DGFB · 12/09/2021 10:25

Agree to lending £20 and using nephew’s as an early Christmas present

PissedOffNeighbour22 · 12/09/2021 10:27

Definitely not. He's old enough to be able to find out how much the tickets actually cost without guessing a figure, and therefore old enough to know he can't afford it. He needs to know he can't be bailed out every time he makes a silly decision like that.
If it's not a special birthday then there's no reason to be forking out so much.

I'd say DH pay £20 towards the other ticket but it's for BIL. Nephew can miss out if he can't afford to go.

EmeraldShamrock · 12/09/2021 10:31

That is expensive and a big ask.

Howshouldibehave · 12/09/2021 10:33

Wow, I’m amazed people are saying the nephew should now be getting £90 from the OP as a Christmas present!

Other people clearly spend a lot more on presents than we do!

ZenNudist · 12/09/2021 10:35

If DH wants to go and he can afford it he absolutely should pay for it. Don't be mean. My dh and his dbro spend money on each other. It's nice they have that dynamic. I don't spend money on my siblings but I don't begrudge him doing it.

Chances are bil will do something nice for dh at some point.

Howshouldibehave · 12/09/2021 10:36

Chances are bil will do something nice for dh at some point.

And you think it’s fine that the nephew wants to take complete credit for the present?

MsHedgehog · 12/09/2021 10:38

He’s helping out his nephew and if he can afford it so what?! Some people are unnecessarily mean.

Justilou1 · 12/09/2021 10:39

Ok…@speer - my alarm bells would be going off like a frog in a sock. Have you actually checked the dialogue between DN and DH? Are you sure this isn’t something that your DH hasn’t come up with in a fit of rampant generosity all on his own, then realised that perhaps you may not be entirely thrilled with subsidising the birthday night out for the Three Musketeers to go to this event?

CurlyhairedAssassin · 12/09/2021 10:42

Nah, while on the face of it it seems a nice thing to do I don't think it's doing your nephew any favours long term. He needs to realise that if you have grand plans for someone's present then you either need to research affordability properly and have a discussion about it with other people and arrange it as an official joint present if you can't afford it on your own, or get something much cheaper as an individual present, which is within your means. OR you get a job and earn the money to pay for the fancy present as an individual. Could the boy's mother not get involved with this and cover it?

I suppose the other option is to use the present DH had already got for BIL as his Christmas present instead (if the value fits with what you'd usually spendn at Christmas), and tell nephew that DH will put in towards the tickets but it will be a joint present between him and nephew but DH can make a big hooha about how it was all nephew's idea etc etc.

your BIL is going to realise the cost is more than his son could afford on his own and ask questions. It could just get too cringe for nephew, and cause your BIL to pay you back the money you put towards his ticket.

BoredZelda · 12/09/2021 10:45

If you can afford it then he should do it. Otherwise it just seems petty.

SarahAndQuack · 12/09/2021 10:46

@HeddaGarbled

I think you should help the lad treat his dad, and never ever mention to anyone that you did so.
That's a really unhealthy attitude to family relationships and to money. Teaching a teenager to lie about where they got money from? Not a great idea.
CurlyhairedAssassin · 12/09/2021 10:46

@cunningartificer

So I’d lend the £20, buy nephew his ticket as early Christmas present and DH gets his own. They all get to go together, your DH gets credit for present to nephew, if that’s important, and nephew gets credit for present to dad and can pay back £20. Nephew is asking for something from someone he trusts. I wouldn’t spoil it by treating him as though he’s lying cheating CF unless this is a constant thing. It sounds as though it’s a one off …

And actually if my child bought me a present of something I’d love and I found out later my sister had helped them out when they budgeted badly, I’d just be grateful to her for being so kind. I certainly wouldn’t think worse of my child. Or consider it a “deception”. I don’t generally enquire in detail about the financing of present given to me. I’ve thanked nieces for presents I’m fairly certain parents helped fund but wouldn’t dream of calling them out on it.

This is actually a great idea! Well thought out! That's what I'd offer to do.