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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DH shouldn't put money towards this present?

233 replies

speer · 11/09/2021 23:27

DH is very close to his brother and nephew (16) and they often spend time together.

BILs birthday is coming up, the other day nephew messaged DH telling him he wants to buy him some tickets, but might need his help (buying them online). Nephew told DH he'll pay for his own ticket and BILs but DH could go if he wanted, and he is.

Anyway, today nephew messaged DH saying he doesn't think he has enough money for the tickets (they are expensive, even for just one person!) and has asked DH if he'd give him the money.

DH has already bought BIL a present and these tickets would just be from nephew, and not DH as well even if he put some money towards them.

AIBU to think he shouldn't do this? Just to add, our finances are joint, I wouldn't care if it was his own money.

OP posts:
Herecomesthesun70 · 12/09/2021 09:13

@Walkingalot

My DS used to try and pull that stunt all the time. I didn't care what people thought, he'd get a telling off, while stretching a leg out to keep the unlocked cubicle door from flapping open!

Maybe a padded wrist strap next time you go out?

Ha ha try the thread about the 3 year old in the park Grin
nettie434 · 12/09/2021 09:14

I think even if your finances are joint you both need some money per month to spend as you wish. How much that is, depends on your finances.

Assuming that buying the tickets wouldn't cause you financial difficulties, I still think your nephew shouldn't take all the credit for the tickets but that decision is probably up to your DH.

Notmoresugar · 12/09/2021 09:15

............."AIBU to think he shouldn't do this? Just to add, our finances are joint, I wouldn't care if it was his own money."

You come across as being very mean in nature.

TwinsandTrifle · 12/09/2021 09:15

@speer are you planning on responding to any of the posts here? Or is it OP and run....

Mummyoflittledragon · 12/09/2021 09:17

I don’t think the tickets should come from your nephew in that case. Your dh would be paying for your nephew’s as well, is that correct?

Idk if your dh wants to go and can afford it, he could always return the gift or keep it for another time.

Howshouldibehave · 12/09/2021 09:18

these tickets would just be from nephew, and not DH as well even if he put some money towards them

There sounds like a backstory here as well.

Are you saying that nephew has actually said, ‘uncle, I need you to stump up the money for me and my dad’s tickets but I will still be saying the gift was all from me’??

There are just too many questions left unanswered for people to be able to have a hope of helping here. Are you coming back to answer any of them, @speer?

saraclara · 12/09/2021 09:24

Nephew cannot give a present that is not actually from him. If someone else paid for it, it is not a gift from him, so it's given under false pretences. It's basically a lie (unless the gift is from a five year old).

I'd point that out to him and suggest that any help is in the form of a loan.

Saoirse82 · 12/09/2021 09:30

Of course DH should help out if he can afford it and I'd think you were a right miser if you had an issue with this. Why would you not want to help Confused?

Cuddlyrottweiler · 12/09/2021 09:34

There are lots of factors.
Can he easily afford it?
Is it actually a gift for DB more than a self gift for DN?
Will DH enjoy going?
Does DN have a big income (he's 16, he doesn't earn a lot.)
Is he a CF or is he a good kid that loves his dad and trusts his uncle?

Unless there's gonna be a drip feed, I think he should do it.

boxonthehill · 12/09/2021 09:42

I feel the same as most - on the surface I'd do it.

The only caveat is if DN is earning money (my friend's 16 year old is doing an apprenticeship and at 16 earns £900 a month no outgoings) and has just not bothered to budget.

Or, if you can't afford it obviously.

saraclara · 12/09/2021 09:43

@Saoirse82

Of course DH should help out if he can afford it and I'd think you were a right miser if you had an issue with this. Why would you not want to help Confused?
So the nephew grows up learning that he can a) lie to people he loves (this is a gift from me, dad) and v) expect people to bail him out when he over commits to what he can't afford.

If I was the parent and found out later that a gift I found incredibly touching and generous from my 16 year old, and which I'd effusively thanked them for, was actually paid for by someone else, I'd be really upset. And it would absolutely affect how I saw that child and the person who'd facilitated that deception.

Nephew needs to recognise that and ask for a loan, not a donation.

shouldistop · 12/09/2021 09:44

Well how much money is it and can he afford it?

I can't imagine grudging my dh spending money on his family unless it was going to leave us short.

Howshouldibehave · 12/09/2021 09:46

So the nephew grows up learning that he can a) lie to people he loves (this is a gift from me, dad) and v) expect people to bail him out when he over commits to what he can't afford

This.

But I feel it’s impossible to answer properly without more information from @speer

How much are the tickets?
How much has nephew saved?
Why isn’t he asking his mum?

ClaireEclair · 12/09/2021 09:47

I always buy the gifts from my niece to give to her mum. If I didn’t she wouldn’t get anything because her dead beat ex wouldn’t even consider buying a card. Doesn’t bother me at all. She’s a teenager with just pocket money and I have the money so why not?

TatianaBis · 12/09/2021 09:49

If I was the parent and found out later that a gift I found incredibly touching and generous from my 16 year old, and which I'd effusively thanked them for, was actually paid for by someone else, I'd be really upset.

Quite. If I found out that a present from my DS was actually cadged from one of my siblings who had already got me a present I’d be livid.

In that situation I would simply refund my sibling, and have strong words with my son.

I have not brought my kids up to beg for money for things they can’t afford and put relations in an awkward situation.

Howshouldibehave · 12/09/2021 09:50

She’s a teenager with just pocket money and I have the money so why not?

So, not the same situation that the OP is in, then.

TatianaBis · 12/09/2021 09:50

So the nephew grows up learning that he can a) lie to people he loves (this is a gift from me, dad) and v) expect people to bail him out when he over commits to what he can't afford.

Yup.

Beautiful3 · 12/09/2021 09:52

Mabe save hix present to gift at Xmas, go halves on this one?

ClaireEclair · 12/09/2021 09:54

@Howshouldibehave

She’s a teenager with just pocket money and I have the money so why not?

So, not the same situation that the OP is in, then.

Well we don’t know that as the OP hasn’t come back to answer the questions.
traintraveller · 12/09/2021 09:56

It's hardly begging FFS.
I would help him out, they could say the ticket is a joint present and your husband can save the present he has bought for christmas. Or you could lend him the cash.

EmeraldShamrock · 12/09/2021 09:58

I'd offer to lend him it or give the gift between them.
Can DH return orginal gift or pass it on to someone else.

TatianaBis · 12/09/2021 09:58

@traintraveller

It's hardly begging FFS. I would help him out, they could say the ticket is a joint present and your husband can save the present he has bought for christmas. Or you could lend him the cash.
Cadging, sponging, cheeky fuckery, whatever.
Walkingalot · 12/09/2021 10:02

@Herecomesthesun70 - Yep! Sorry everyone, wrong thread, doh.

JustSayingItHowItIs · 12/09/2021 10:05

I think it's fine.

I often buy presents for my DB from his DS's as their mum doesn't bother or care. They're no longer together so I always chip in with presents for their dad.

saraclara · 12/09/2021 10:06

Your DP would be giving him an apprenticeship in CFery, frankly.

This is a seminal moment. On the upside, the nephew wants to please his dad with a thoughtful gift. But he hasn't thought through the commitment, he hasn't thought through what he's asking from his uncle (and that its your money too) as he hasn't thought through the philosophy of gift giving or the deception he's putting in place.

His uncles job is to make him aware of these things.

"Mate, your dad's going to think this is from you, and you're going to feel really shitty when he's effusively thanking you and thinking he's got the best son in the world, and you know it's not really from you. Do you really want to deceive him like that?
You've made a commitment to buying those tickets, and you need to face up to it. But I can help you out with a loan, if you like. How much can you afford to pay back each month?"