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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think DH is being unrealistic

209 replies

beewritesx · 11/09/2021 18:05

DS and myself were invited to a very good friend's DDs birthday party. She lives out in the country so it's impossible to get there via public transport. I have a full driver's license but no car and it would cost a lot to insure me on DH's car (things are very tight!). So, my mother was going to take us but my brother (who lives with her) has symptoms of Covid so, understandably, she cancelled. I asked around for lifts and eventually ended up asking DH who very reluctantly agreed. Whilst we were in the car, he told me he is sick or cancelling his plans to take me places and that "any normal person" would've cancelled. Basically, he wanted to go fishing and photographing sunsets. We also have a pick-up from Aldi to collect at 6 pm which has upset him as he wanted to out with the camera at that time (I ordered it for earlier, but Aldi changed it). He has known about this birthday party all week, but thought my mum was taking us. He clearly thinks I'm being unreasonable. I explained that he's a family man now and these things are part and parcel, but he retorted that I'm unable to miss out on any social event (despite the fact that our son was invited)! He constantly makes "jokes" about me being "clingy" and always asking him for stuff.

I've ranted enough about him on here, but in all honesty, he does nothing around the house. He doesn't take the bins out, cut the grass, financially contribute to anything we actually need (curtains, a tumble dryer), he won't take things to the skip!

On the other hand, he has a lovely bond with our son who adores him! He can also be very kind on occasion. When I told my friend (at the party) about our argument, she was shocked and said his attitude is unacceptable.

He is an artist and likes being creative. I know he finds the business of family life stressful and frustrating and he feels like he has no time to express his creativity. However, I am at the end of my tether. He stays up gaming and leaves empty packets lying around the house just after I've cleaned (within less than 1 metre of a bin, may I add) and there's seems to be no appreciation for anything I do. His opinion is that the government pay me to "stay at home" so it's only natural I do housework. If he didn't perform his duties at work, he'd be fired. He said this during the heat of argument so whether that's what he really thinks... Who knows?! Probably!

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 11/09/2021 18:07

What do you mean the government pays you to stay home and he doesn’t contribute to anything??

seaandsandcastles · 11/09/2021 18:07

This makes no sense. Why would you look around everywhere for lifts but your DH, who is a last resort? What kind of relationship is that? Confused

StrictlyAFemaleFemale · 11/09/2021 18:08

He is showing you what he thinks through his behaviour. He thinks your role is to enable him to live his wonderful life without asking anything of him.

FionnulaTheCooler · 11/09/2021 18:09

He sounds like a huffy man child, the sunset will still be there tomorrow for him to go and photograph. If it was a one off I'd let it go but it sounds like it's part of a much bigger pattern of him being selfish and lazy, I'd think carefully about what you actually get out of this relationship that is positive for you.

GoodnightGrandma · 11/09/2021 18:10

Can’t see what makes you stay with him.

Butchyrestingface · 11/09/2021 18:10

His opinion is that the government pay me to "stay at home"

What does he mean?

JengaNonConfirming · 11/09/2021 18:13

Oh god, why are you with him?? Lovely with your son - really, surely that's the minimum you expect from his actual father? Please tell us that when he calls you clingy you point out he's a useless cocklodger!?!?

What is he teaching your son about relationships? What are you teaching your son? Value yourself and get rid of him.

thepeopleversuswork · 11/09/2021 18:18

I know he finds the business of family life stressful and frustrating and he feels like he has no time to express his creativity.

Said no mother ever.

Why is it that men's needs for creativity and self-expression always get to trump their responsibilities to their families and women's never do?

Cherrysoup · 11/09/2021 18:22

Bizarre. My DH would have been my first port of call, not my last. Photographing sunsets? On a cloudy day? If my DH was like this, I’d be furious. He does nothing at home and creates mess which you clear up? That needs to stop.

girlmom21 · 11/09/2021 18:23

He's a pillock with no respect for you.

Teacupsandtoast · 11/09/2021 18:24

Why wont he add you to his insurance so you can drive your child and yourself around for activities?

pompomsgalore · 11/09/2021 18:25

What a selfish bastard and I feel sorry for you having to look for lifts and then asking h as a last resort. LTB

beewritesx · 11/09/2021 18:25

@Butchyrestingface

His opinion is that the government pay me to "stay at home"

What does he mean?

During an argument, I pointed out that I clean his clothes, cook his meals, tidy up his shit. And presumably he thinks it's my "job" as I'm at home. I'm utterly fed up, but the prospect of being a single mother scares me as I constantly feel behind with house chores.
OP posts:
pompomsgalore · 11/09/2021 18:26

I still don't see how the government pay you?

beewritesx · 11/09/2021 18:26

@Teacupsandtoast

Why wont he add you to his insurance so you can drive your child and yourself around for activities?
It's too expensive and I only passed my test a year-and-a-half ago!
OP posts:
beewritesx · 11/09/2021 18:27

@pompomsgalore

I still don't see how the government pay you?
I'm on UC as he's on a living wage.
OP posts:
skodadoda · 11/09/2021 18:29

OP, it wouldn’t necessarily cost much, if anything, more to insure you as a named driver. Insurers often take it as a positive sign. I suspect though that it’s his excuse to not let you use ‘his’ car. He sounds self enough.

Slippy78 · 11/09/2021 18:30

You can get daily car insurance, it only costs a few quid.

DroopyClematis · 11/09/2021 18:32

I'm sorry but I can't see this relationship going the distance with his attitude the way it is.

C152 · 11/09/2021 18:32

@thepeopleversuswork

I know he finds the business of family life stressful and frustrating and he feels like he has no time to express his creativity.

Said no mother ever.

Why is it that men's needs for creativity and self-expression always get to trump their responsibilities to their families and women's never do?

This, in spades.
FluffyWhiteBird · 11/09/2021 18:32

Everyone finds family life stressful. Everyone ends up severely curtailing their hobbies and socia life once DC arrive. That normal. Except amongst lazy men who treat their partners like a servant.

So you're on maternity leave and he's jealous of you being off work, seeing it as a free extended holiday? That's nuts and shows how little idea he has of what family life entails, which also shows how little he does or else he'd have some idea! He's got an attitude problem deliberately leaving stuff around for you to clear up, his comments show there's nothing accidental or thoughtless about it.

I too found your post disturbing that your DH is the last resort to ask for a lift. This was your DS invitation and he didn't want to facilitate his DS maintaining a friendship, then had a rant about it in the car on the way there, in front of your DS. That's not good parenting.

Teacupsandtoast · 11/09/2021 18:33

I got put on our car insurance on a 4x4 right after passing my test and it really didn't cost a huge amount more - I assume you aren't 18 nor that his car is ridiculously high powered? Get some quotes - you'll be surprised

Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 11/09/2021 18:33

You won't be so far behind with the chores when you get rid of this man child, sounds like he causes the most mess!
He sounds like a right selfish prat. How convenient that he can't afford car insurance for you, keeps you in your place.

LemonJuiceFromConcentrate · 11/09/2021 18:37

“behind with house chores”

You would be amazed at how much less there is to do with only yourself and a child/children creating mess. And the level of constant background frustration caused by living with another adult who just thoughtlessly creates work for you — poof! — it would be gone.

beewritesx · 11/09/2021 18:37

It's a hire purchase car. Don't know if that makes a difference.

OP posts: