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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DH is being unrealistic

209 replies

beewritesx · 11/09/2021 18:05

DS and myself were invited to a very good friend's DDs birthday party. She lives out in the country so it's impossible to get there via public transport. I have a full driver's license but no car and it would cost a lot to insure me on DH's car (things are very tight!). So, my mother was going to take us but my brother (who lives with her) has symptoms of Covid so, understandably, she cancelled. I asked around for lifts and eventually ended up asking DH who very reluctantly agreed. Whilst we were in the car, he told me he is sick or cancelling his plans to take me places and that "any normal person" would've cancelled. Basically, he wanted to go fishing and photographing sunsets. We also have a pick-up from Aldi to collect at 6 pm which has upset him as he wanted to out with the camera at that time (I ordered it for earlier, but Aldi changed it). He has known about this birthday party all week, but thought my mum was taking us. He clearly thinks I'm being unreasonable. I explained that he's a family man now and these things are part and parcel, but he retorted that I'm unable to miss out on any social event (despite the fact that our son was invited)! He constantly makes "jokes" about me being "clingy" and always asking him for stuff.

I've ranted enough about him on here, but in all honesty, he does nothing around the house. He doesn't take the bins out, cut the grass, financially contribute to anything we actually need (curtains, a tumble dryer), he won't take things to the skip!

On the other hand, he has a lovely bond with our son who adores him! He can also be very kind on occasion. When I told my friend (at the party) about our argument, she was shocked and said his attitude is unacceptable.

He is an artist and likes being creative. I know he finds the business of family life stressful and frustrating and he feels like he has no time to express his creativity. However, I am at the end of my tether. He stays up gaming and leaves empty packets lying around the house just after I've cleaned (within less than 1 metre of a bin, may I add) and there's seems to be no appreciation for anything I do. His opinion is that the government pay me to "stay at home" so it's only natural I do housework. If he didn't perform his duties at work, he'd be fired. He said this during the heat of argument so whether that's what he really thinks... Who knows?! Probably!

OP posts:
Toomuch2019 · 12/09/2021 10:52

Wow. I would suggest if you're not happy you make plans to leave. This may require you getting a job but worth it to get your freedom from someone who clearly doesn't respect you

billy1966 · 12/09/2021 10:55

@CanofCant

The tears are a tactic. When you ignore this and it doesn't achieve his desired result he will try something else, probably become more aggressive and you will see the real him. He's fucking pathetic.
This.

Watch him become nasty next.

He is a waster and you know it.

You will be SO much happier without him dragging you down.

Flowers
ScaredOfDinosaurs · 12/09/2021 11:34

I dunno, he might try sulking and the silent treatment next.

Honestly OP, you can do better than this utter shit. Being alone would be a huge improvement.

LivingLaVidaBabyShower · 12/09/2021 11:40

I wouldn't be buying those crocodile tears.
He needs tp put you on the insurance NOW. I do not believe it's unaffordable - insist on it now while he is agreeable.

He has no interest in changing and you should be gearing up to exit the relationship (ie dialling back what you spend pushing him to contribute more,
Looking into mon-fri evening work or weekends, Lining up childcare and work when your child hits 3)

Theworldisfullofgs · 12/09/2021 11:43

Can you go and stay with your mum?

Marmelace · 12/09/2021 11:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ShuddaBeenMe · 12/09/2021 11:57

What a prat.

Dee1975 · 12/09/2021 11:59

Easily solved op - tell him that you will go to work 5 days a week and he can look after DC.

Seriously though, whilst it’s easy for us to sit here in our phones telling you to leave him, your relationship sounds incredibly one sided. I couldn’t image my husband not driving our child to a birthday party if I couldn’t take them.

I know it sounds scary, but he isnt contributing anything positive to your relationship, only negative.

Now I don’t know how housing works when your in UC, but you need to look into it and start planning an exit.

WinterSunglasses · 12/09/2021 11:59

Gel rid. He thinks he's the hard done by one. What a laugh.

Original poster
beewritesx · 12/09/2021 12:09

@Marmelace

How can he be working, living under the same roof with you, whilst you claim uc? Something sounds dodgy here, are you on the fiddle or are you making shit up?
He's on a living wage so I receive UC because otherwise our income would be under 2k a month. And our son is only 2 so isn't in full-time school! Definitely not on the fiddle. Google it.
OP posts:
Marmelace · 12/09/2021 12:25

You're quite forthright when challenged, why is it so hard to be the same with the egit you live with? Why put up with him, what is he bringing to your life that is positive. What have you ever done that means you should be treated so disrespectfully? It's hard to think past them being gone and living without them, but when you get over that hurdle the possibilities are endless. The freedom do do what you want is the best thing ever. He will just keep chipping away at bits of you the longer you leave it.

notanothertakeaway · 12/09/2021 12:32

If you need a lift somewhere, your DH should be the first person you ask, not the last

Have a look at "why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft. It's a brilliant book that will help you to understand power and control

KatharinaRosalie · 12/09/2021 12:36

google DARVO. He's playing the victim now, it's a well known technique.

DrSbaitso · 12/09/2021 12:40

Do remember, people who do this usually aren't consciously acting out a script. I doubt he's thinking "ooh, I'll try crying now". To an extent, it's genuinely felt and he truly thinks he's a good guy. But that doesn't mean the end game isn't the same or that it's not, on a subconscious level, an attempt at manipulation.

Original poster
beewritesx · 12/09/2021 13:05

@DrSbaitso

Do remember, people who do this usually aren't consciously acting out a script. I doubt he's thinking "ooh, I'll try crying now". To an extent, it's genuinely felt and he truly thinks he's a good guy. But that doesn't mean the end game isn't the same or that it's not, on a subconscious level, an attempt at manipulation.
I feel the same. I think he genuinely has difficulty understanding things from my perspective! In his mind, he works 5 days a week and pays the rent therefore feels absolved of other responsibilities. MIL did everything for him growing up and he's definitely her blue-eyed boy!
OP posts:
pompomsgalore · 12/09/2021 13:05

@Marmelace

How can he be working, living under the same roof with you, whilst you claim uc? Something sounds dodgy here, are you on the fiddle or are you making shit up?
Not at all. Educate yourself
legoriakelne · 12/09/2021 13:11

I think doing the Freedom Programme course might be a good idea.

He's following a script.

You stated earlier that he's not going to change and that you can't continue like this.

That means it is down to you to exit the situation and change your life.

So what are you going to do now? That's the only thing worth expending time and effort on.

legoriakelne · 12/09/2021 13:11

@DrSbaitso

Do remember, people who do this usually aren't consciously acting out a script. I doubt he's thinking "ooh, I'll try crying now". To an extent, it's genuinely felt and he truly thinks he's a good guy. But that doesn't mean the end game isn't the same or that it's not, on a subconscious level, an attempt at manipulation.
I disagree.
thelastgoldeneagle · 12/09/2021 13:13

What's the point of him?? You're supporting him ( or taxpayers are) while he's fannying around taking photos and criticising you! He's not even grateful.

If you left him, you'd have less housework to do and less chores, because you wouldn't have a stupid man-baby to look after.

He sounds awful, op. He can't even support his own dc?

Lazy, useless, wanky. You can do better!

Beautiful3 · 12/09/2021 13:29

He is taking his own son, to his friends birthday party? And he is annoyed? He also doesn't want to collect the food shop? He is the only one without a car, how did he think you were going to do these things without a car?! Somethings not right here, at all. He doesn't want to be responsible for anything does he?!

Marmelace · 12/09/2021 13:42

@pompomsgalore only bloody asking and I've already answered her reply. Maybe rtft!

Marmelace · 12/09/2021 13:46

I used to be on IS the rules around UC confound me, getting fucking educated is nigh on impossible when the DWP really don't want you to know fuck all! And for fucks sake if this was fake it wouldn't be the first! So forgive me for maybe thinking it was!

CuriousaboutSamphire · 12/09/2021 13:52

If he told you that about car insurance he is lying to you.

You can be a named driver in his insurance for far less than getting your own.

We did that for years until the insurer offered to use 'one of his' no claims bonus periods for me to start my own insurance.

As for the rest, he sounds truly selfish.

FluffyWhiteBird · 12/09/2021 15:24

@MoreStuffingMatron

Get yourself insured to drive the car NOW whilst he’s in a conciliatory mood. Then google divorce proceedings.
Did you read the update? He's not in a conciliatory mood. He's attacking her further saying she should pay towards his car, spend less time cleaning and spend more time with him, because she does nothing worthwhile or useful all week having 5 days to do whatever she wants whilst he works, and that all the problems in the relationship are her fault. None of that is conciliatory.
timeisnotaline · 12/09/2021 22:41

Did you read the update? He's not in a conciliatory mood. He's attacking her further saying she should pay towards his car, spend less time cleaning and spend more time with him, because she does nothing worthwhile or useful all week having 5 days to do whatever she wants whilst he works, and that all the problems in the relationship are her fault. None of that is conciliatory.
No he doesn’t want her to spend less time cleaning he just wants her to work harder to fit cleaning up after him into invisible time that doesn’t bother him and he doesn’t have to see it, to free up time to wait on him.