Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think DH is being unrealistic

209 replies

beewritesx · 11/09/2021 18:05

DS and myself were invited to a very good friend's DDs birthday party. She lives out in the country so it's impossible to get there via public transport. I have a full driver's license but no car and it would cost a lot to insure me on DH's car (things are very tight!). So, my mother was going to take us but my brother (who lives with her) has symptoms of Covid so, understandably, she cancelled. I asked around for lifts and eventually ended up asking DH who very reluctantly agreed. Whilst we were in the car, he told me he is sick or cancelling his plans to take me places and that "any normal person" would've cancelled. Basically, he wanted to go fishing and photographing sunsets. We also have a pick-up from Aldi to collect at 6 pm which has upset him as he wanted to out with the camera at that time (I ordered it for earlier, but Aldi changed it). He has known about this birthday party all week, but thought my mum was taking us. He clearly thinks I'm being unreasonable. I explained that he's a family man now and these things are part and parcel, but he retorted that I'm unable to miss out on any social event (despite the fact that our son was invited)! He constantly makes "jokes" about me being "clingy" and always asking him for stuff.

I've ranted enough about him on here, but in all honesty, he does nothing around the house. He doesn't take the bins out, cut the grass, financially contribute to anything we actually need (curtains, a tumble dryer), he won't take things to the skip!

On the other hand, he has a lovely bond with our son who adores him! He can also be very kind on occasion. When I told my friend (at the party) about our argument, she was shocked and said his attitude is unacceptable.

He is an artist and likes being creative. I know he finds the business of family life stressful and frustrating and he feels like he has no time to express his creativity. However, I am at the end of my tether. He stays up gaming and leaves empty packets lying around the house just after I've cleaned (within less than 1 metre of a bin, may I add) and there's seems to be no appreciation for anything I do. His opinion is that the government pay me to "stay at home" so it's only natural I do housework. If he didn't perform his duties at work, he'd be fired. He said this during the heat of argument so whether that's what he really thinks... Who knows?! Probably!

OP posts:
Billybagpuss · 11/09/2021 18:37

@Slippy78

You can get daily car insurance, it only costs a few quid.
This, it will cover the last minute emergencies.

That however is the least of your problems, he’s lazy, disengaged with family life and tonight’s sunset here is not going to be photographically worth it (DH is a photographer) so I’d also question his artistic ability.

Can you at least eat the fish?

HollowTalk · 11/09/2021 18:39

My friend is married to a twat like that - same field of work, too. She's had decades of being put last - you know your place when you are below a sunset on the list of priorities.

FluffyWhiteBird · 11/09/2021 18:39

And he's gaslighting you with the "any normal person" bit. He's the one who's not behaving normally!

Except I suppose any person in a normal healthy relationship would have said first thing when it happened that DS has a birthday party to go to on Saturday at X location. And wouldn't have had to ask for a lift from the only car driver in a one car family, like they was doing their own DS a favour! Nor would they have asked anyone else unless it turned out DH was working that day so couldn't do it.

BobsBurgersisthebest · 11/09/2021 18:40

Wow, he told you the government pays you to stay at home. I would've said "Be a man and get a better job with more money to support your family"

He sounds useless. He's a man with a family that clearly thinks he has no responsibilities. The fact he plays games & goes off on his own a lot - shows he's not committed.

Nanny0gg · 11/09/2021 18:40

Seems to me you would be better off in every way without him

Herecomesthesun70 · 11/09/2021 18:41

Adding you to his insurance won't cost a fortune. You've got a full licence so it will be reasonable.
He sounds like a dick. My DH would be the first person I'd ask for a lift and I'd get it without question.

RaininSummer · 11/09/2021 18:42

Peculiar really especially as it not just you who is on UC. It's surely a joint claim.

Brollypackedforscottishholiday · 11/09/2021 18:42

He doesn't want you on the insurance so you have to beg people for lifts and are therefore not an independent person
.
An independent person would realise he is a dead weight dragging them down.
And Ltb.

Gerwurtztraminer · 11/09/2021 18:46

I know he finds the business of family life stressful and frustrating and he feels like he has no time to express his creativity

Oh ffs poor diddums. So basically he wants to live like a single guy but with the benefits of a wife & live in cleaner, and the unconditional love of a child he can't even be arsed to drive to a party.

Seriously what are you getting from this relationship other than more housework, lack of respect for your role as a life partner and mother, and lots of moaning?

I'd check that insurance thing btw, a couple of on-line searches or a phone call would see if it's true or not. Sounds dubious/a lie.

FluffyWhiteBird · 11/09/2021 18:48

@RaininSummer

Peculiar really especially as it not just you who is on UC. It's surely a joint claim.
I think its a way of OP saying she has no access to family money, other than the bit that comes from the government, because he's not putting his wages into the family pot. She said he pays for nothing for the house and I'll bet if she goes back to work he won't pay anything towards childcare either.
Angiefernackerpan · 11/09/2021 18:48

Jesus, he sounds horrible. My DH works all week (so do I, but school hours so a shorter day) then spends his weekend doing bits around the house, going with me to the supermarket etc.

Last weekend he drove 2 hours to pick me and my DS up from a music festival as I've been under the weather with after effects of covid and DS is recovering from a gammy leg.

He's not magic or special, he is just a decent man who participates in family life.

ShrimpBarbarian · 11/09/2021 18:51

So what does he bring to the relationship? He gets on well with your joint child?? Whoopee fucking doo!

How much easier would life be without him??

HollowTalk · 11/09/2021 19:05

BTW the photography world is full of men who are supported in all sorts of ways by women, yet it's hard to meet a female photographer who's supported in that way by a man.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 11/09/2021 19:07

Aldi do click and collect?? Amazing!

beewritesx · 11/09/2021 19:11

He pays the rent, TV license and broadband. I pay for everything else with the money I receive from UC (council tax, gas and electric, water meter, food) as well as my own personal finances. Unfortunately, that's a whole other issue. He's in debt so physically can't afford to pay more. He told me this was due to his ex refusing to work and robbing him blind and like an idiot I believed him!

OP posts:
KatharinaRosalie · 11/09/2021 19:11

prospect of being a single mother scares me as I constantly feel behind with house chores.

But why are you scared then? It's not like he helps with any of them. He creates mess. Get rid of the loser and there's a lot less of the house chores.

beewritesx · 11/09/2021 19:12

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz

Aldi do click and collect?? Amazing!
😂

Bit more expensive though (although it's obviously still a save if you do a big shop!)

OP posts:
HumdrumGuga · 11/09/2021 19:16

Are you the one with the doctor who plays playstation all day?

beewritesx · 11/09/2021 19:20

@HumdrumGuga

Are you the one with the doctor who plays playstation all day?
No. Although I wish he were a doctor. I'd be able the afford a car 😂
OP posts:
HPmagic · 11/09/2021 19:23

You could have got added to his insurance for one day and this would not have cost you much.

billy1966 · 11/09/2021 19:25

I don't know why you are scared of being on your own when the alternative is living with a waster like that.

Have a serious rethink, you only have one life!

TheRebelle · 11/09/2021 19:26

I’d dump him, life’s too short.

ViperHalliwell · 11/09/2021 19:34

HIBU. It's great that he has a good relationship with his son, but that's being a dad, not being a husband/partner. And yes, he can drive his son to a party one time when his ride is cancelled due to an emergency; the sunset and fish will (probably) still be there tomorrow. Or he could have dropped you off and then headed out around your friends' house to take pics and then picked you up. Initiative and compromise are sometimes important.

As far as the government paying you to clean the house - he's having a laugh. If the two of you had agreed you'd stay home and take care of the children/house/etc. while everyone lives on his salary only, then I could see his point in general. But that's not the case.

pompomsgalore · 11/09/2021 19:35

@Brollypackedforscottishholiday

He doesn't want you on the insurance so you have to beg people for lifts and are therefore not an independent person . An independent person would realise he is a dead weight dragging them down. And Ltb.
Absolutely op. Read this post above over and over. He's controlling you by not letting you have access to a car.
legoriakelne · 11/09/2021 19:35

This isn't a very good relationship - there is no point dissecting the latest incident, it merely confirms the pattern of disrespect and contempt.

Swipe left for the next trending thread