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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think DH is being unrealistic

209 replies

beewritesx · 11/09/2021 18:05

DS and myself were invited to a very good friend's DDs birthday party. She lives out in the country so it's impossible to get there via public transport. I have a full driver's license but no car and it would cost a lot to insure me on DH's car (things are very tight!). So, my mother was going to take us but my brother (who lives with her) has symptoms of Covid so, understandably, she cancelled. I asked around for lifts and eventually ended up asking DH who very reluctantly agreed. Whilst we were in the car, he told me he is sick or cancelling his plans to take me places and that "any normal person" would've cancelled. Basically, he wanted to go fishing and photographing sunsets. We also have a pick-up from Aldi to collect at 6 pm which has upset him as he wanted to out with the camera at that time (I ordered it for earlier, but Aldi changed it). He has known about this birthday party all week, but thought my mum was taking us. He clearly thinks I'm being unreasonable. I explained that he's a family man now and these things are part and parcel, but he retorted that I'm unable to miss out on any social event (despite the fact that our son was invited)! He constantly makes "jokes" about me being "clingy" and always asking him for stuff.

I've ranted enough about him on here, but in all honesty, he does nothing around the house. He doesn't take the bins out, cut the grass, financially contribute to anything we actually need (curtains, a tumble dryer), he won't take things to the skip!

On the other hand, he has a lovely bond with our son who adores him! He can also be very kind on occasion. When I told my friend (at the party) about our argument, she was shocked and said his attitude is unacceptable.

He is an artist and likes being creative. I know he finds the business of family life stressful and frustrating and he feels like he has no time to express his creativity. However, I am at the end of my tether. He stays up gaming and leaves empty packets lying around the house just after I've cleaned (within less than 1 metre of a bin, may I add) and there's seems to be no appreciation for anything I do. His opinion is that the government pay me to "stay at home" so it's only natural I do housework. If he didn't perform his duties at work, he'd be fired. He said this during the heat of argument so whether that's what he really thinks... Who knows?! Probably!

OP posts:
FuckPilledLatteplus · 11/09/2021 20:32

Working towards a full house on Mumsnet lazy dosser bingo here:

-gamer
-does zero house work
-eats copious amounts of crisps

FuckPilledLatteplus · 11/09/2021 20:34

You said he’s an artist and then said he has duties at work. What kind of artist is he?

Notaroadrunner · 11/09/2021 20:34

I'm utterly fed up, but the prospect of being a single mother scares me as I constantly feel behind with house chores

But he's no addition to the household so being a single mother would probably make life easier for you.

Supersimkin2 · 11/09/2021 20:42

He's no artist, doesn't sell his pix. It's a hobby.

Not much of a husband or father, either.

You'll do better next time, believe me.

BogRollBOGOF · 11/09/2021 20:51

@FuckPilledLatteplus

You said he’s an artist and then said he has duties at work. What kind of artist is he?
The woefully misunderstood type?

He's a waste of oxygen and a deadweight.

Life would be much easier without him. He's contributing nothing to family life.

How dare he expect other people to run around to get his child to parties when he CBA himself.

JetBlackSteed · 11/09/2021 20:53

You only get behind on house chores because he is creating mess for you to deal with.
If it was just you and DS, it would stay clean and tidy. Less laundry. Less food to be bought.

He's lying, btw, about the car insurance.
If however, you were to be on the insurance would he share the use of the car? His sunset photos would take precedence over his childs friendship annual birthday party.
You need to think on.
He's not exactly sharing the family money he earns is he? You'd be better off surely all round as a single mum.
Sorry that is not what you want to hear.

Dontwatchfootball · 11/09/2021 20:55

Sounds like a knob.

SunshineCake · 11/09/2021 20:56

I'm utterly fed up, but the prospect of being a single mother scares me as I constantly feel behind with house chores.

But he does nothing so you will be ahead as won't be clearing up his shit Hmm.

whynotwhatknot · 11/09/2021 20:58

hes got a car on finance while you struggle with money-get rid

of him i mean

Goldenfan · 11/09/2021 21:00

Leave him and his shit sunset photos.

CanofCant · 11/09/2021 21:00

He can also be very kind on occasion.

He sounds awful. He treats you terribly, as less than an afterthought. You deserve better.

sadeyedladyofthelowlandsea · 11/09/2021 21:02

Honestly, being a single parent is so very much easier compared to what you are living with now. Because right now, you are a double parent.

Just take five minutes to think of an average day for you as it is now. Then imagine if you could simply erase all of the work he creates for you. Can you feel that weight lift?

Greenmarmalade · 11/09/2021 21:15

You’ll be so much happier after you settle into life as a single parent. I was one for years and it can be very satisfying and fulfilling.

He’s a waster. Total joke.

Greenmarmalade · 11/09/2021 21:16

He can also be very kind on occasion.

You are worth so much more than this

seriousandloyal · 11/09/2021 21:18

What an awful, lazy, selfish man. Please leave you will be much happier.

Nancydrawn · 11/09/2021 21:19

How old is your son?

Thriwit · 11/09/2021 21:22

I know you’re worried about coping with everything by yourself, but I’ve been where you are, and trust me - it’s so so much easier without a deadweight partner.

You don’t have to clean their things too, you don’t have to clean & tidy the mess they make, things stay where you put them & you can organise things in the way that works for you. I was so surprised at how much easier and how less time-consuming and stressful housework was when I split from my ex.

Pallisers · 11/09/2021 21:28

Another one who "can't cope with family life" Was he reared in the woods by wolves that he finds normal family life so extraordinarily startling and stressful?

moanymyrtle · 11/09/2021 21:29

Does he need a car to work? If not take him off the insurance and put you on if you can only afford one driver. It’s not his car it’s a family car. If you are married everything is jointly owned.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 11/09/2021 21:30

He sounds absolutely horrendous. Honestly, I don’t know where to start!

I agree that today is only a part of a bigger pattern. The fact that he was last resort rather than first speaks volumes. It should be the automatic default that he takes you - almost not even a conversation - as it was your son’s invitation too, and I’m guessing primarily a kids’ party.

Everything you’ve said only confirms what a piece of shit he is. Who wouldn’t like days all to themselves to float about “being creative” “photographing sunsets” and tossing crisp packets around, safe in the knowledge someone else will clear up? Hmm

Mydogmylife · 11/09/2021 21:32

@FuckPilledLatteplus

You said he’s an artist and then said he has duties at work. What kind of artist is he?
Piss artist I reckon
GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 11/09/2021 21:32

I also wonder how he can afford an HP car if he can’t afford to pay more than a minimal amount to the household finances? Which you then have to put out of the notoriously stingy UC!

If anyone should have a car and be insured on it, it’s you. These are family finances. Why does he get to be the one in the family who can drive a car when he contributes less to the joint pot?

Westerman · 11/09/2021 21:43

I was going to ask if he'd called his insurer to find out how much it would cost to add you to the policy, but I suspect he's just told you it will be wildly expensive and done nothing about it?

beewritesx · 11/09/2021 21:58

My son is 2.

OP posts:
Heronwatcher · 11/09/2021 22:05

He’s a selfish, rude, inconsiderate, feckless idiot. A burden on you and a terrible example to your son. The behaviour was bad enough but the debt would be the final straw. You need to work out how to get out of there ASAP, if nothing else for your son’s sake. If he grows up thinking that this kind of behaviour is normal he will never find a happy relationship.