To think DH is being unrealistic

[beewritesx]

DS and myself were invited to a very good friend's DDs birthday party. She lives out in the country so it's impossible to get there via public transport. I have a full driver's license but no car and it would cost a lot to insure me on DH's car (things are very tight!). So, my mother was going to take us but my brother (who lives with her) has symptoms of Covid so, understandably, she cancelled. I asked around for lifts and eventually ended up asking DH who very reluctantly agreed. Whilst we were in the car, he told me he is sick or cancelling his plans to take me places and that "any normal person" would've cancelled. Basically, he wanted to go fishing and photographing sunsets. We also have a pick-up from Aldi to collect at 6 pm which has upset him as he wanted to out with the camera at that time (I ordered it for earlier, but Aldi changed it). He has known about this birthday party all week, but thought my mum was taking us. He clearly thinks I'm being unreasonable. I explained that he's a family man now and these things are part and parcel, but he retorted that I'm unable to miss out on any social event (despite the fact that our son was invited)! He constantly makes "jokes" about me being "clingy" and always asking him for stuff.

I've ranted enough about him on here, but in all honesty, he does nothing around the house. He doesn't take the bins out, cut the grass, financially contribute to anything we actually need (curtains, a tumble dryer), he won't take things to the skip!

On the other hand, he has a lovely bond with our son who adores him! He can also be very kind on occasion. When I told my friend (at the party) about our argument, she was shocked and said his attitude is unacceptable.

He is an artist and likes being creative. I know he finds the business of family life stressful and frustrating and he feels like he has no time to express his creativity. However, I am at the end of my tether. He stays up gaming and leaves empty packets lying around the house just after I've cleaned (within less than 1 metre of a bin, may I add) and there's seems to be no appreciation for anything I do. His opinion is that the government pay me to "stay at home" so it's only natural I do housework. If he didn't perform his duties at work, he'd be fired. He said this during the heat of argument so whether that's what he really thinks... Who knows?! Probably!

Have you checked the cost of adding you to the insurance. Ours went down when we added me, the day after I passed my test. I presume from that that they take very little notice of experience, just age, so if you've passed 25 or 30 since you last checked, it might be worth checking again!

It's unanimous. LTB

Hmm sorry but he had a point you could have cancelled as he had plans as well and yours took priority over his because you think his is shit, the uc would be a joint claim so not really your money its joint money as his wages should be too and adding you as a new driver on his insurance of a leased car would be about 800 extra a year and as you are on uc I don't think you would be able to afford that as extra

@Dddccc

Hmm sorry but he had a point you could have cancelled as he had plans as well and yours took priority over his because you think his is shit, the uc would be a joint claim so not really your money its joint money as his wages should be too and adding you as a new driver on his insurance of a leased car would be about 800 extra a year and as you are on uc I don't think you would be able to afford that as extra

Are you taking the mick?

I just had to check the date...yes we are in 2021...why do women still put up with this shit...
Why do men still behave like this you mean? And don't say it's because women put up with it!

I rarely say LTB, but…LTB.

Oh, OP, he sounds like a horrible, useless, selfish, lazy, inconsiderate PRICK.
PLEASE leave him before your son gets old enough to know any different. You deserve much better.

Does he pay for the car?

Leave him, he's awful. You deserve to be equal in your relationship. So you pay whatever it costs to insure both of you to drive the car. You attend whatever social functions you choose.
You respect each other and the role you each play within your relationship.

Or you get out because you deserve better. And your DC needs to learn that you deserve better, so they grow up with healthy role models.

So... LTB

That was such a depressing read :(

You wouldn't have as much housework to do if he wasn't around leaving his mess.

Being nice to his child does not make him a worthy partner. It's literally like bare minimum requirement of a parenting, it's not even parenting, any rational person is nice to a child.

He's a shit partner who isn't even your first person to ask when you need a lift. A taxi company would be more reliable and give you less hassle for asking.

I would prioritise moving forward with just you and your DC. This man is not a good partner and won't be. Nothing will change. Start to plan now, financially and practically. Start looking into work and childcare options. Forewarned is forearmed and all that.

Leave him. It will be easier on your own!!
Find some part time work when your DH looks after your DS then when your DS qualifies for free childcare hours you can increase your hours so you earn more

You don't need this guy

He can also be very kind on occasion.

That's very noble of him.

I think when you've been in a relationship long enough you become used to how things are and don't question anything. It seems you are now beginning to realise it's not a partnership nor has it been. It's time to start questioning everything - finances, his attitude, car insurance etc. As someone has already said has he actually got some quotes to add you to the insurance or just said it would be expensive? You can start with that, then work out how much you're already paying to the household outgoings, realise you're probably paying what you would as a single parent anyway (look into what benefits you would be entitled to) then as they say on MN "get your ducks in a row" and prepare to leave.

@beewritesx

DS and myself were invited to a very good friend's DDs birthday party. She lives out in the country so it's impossible to get there via public transport. I have a full driver's license but no car and it would cost a lot to insure me on DH's car (things are very tight!). So, my mother was going to take us but my brother (who lives with her) has symptoms of Covid so, understandably, she cancelled. I asked around for lifts and eventually ended up asking DH who very reluctantly agreed. Whilst we were in the car, he told me he is sick or cancelling his plans to take me places and that "any normal person" would've cancelled. Basically, he wanted to go fishing and photographing sunsets. We also have a pick-up from Aldi to collect at 6 pm which has upset him as he wanted to out with the camera at that time (I ordered it for earlier, but Aldi changed it). He has known about this birthday party all week, but thought my mum was taking us. He clearly thinks I'm being unreasonable. I explained that he's a family man now and these things are part and parcel, but he retorted that I'm unable to miss out on any social event (despite the fact that our son was invited)! He constantly makes "jokes" about me being "clingy" and always asking him for stuff.

I've ranted enough about him on here, but in all honesty, he does nothing around the house. He doesn't take the bins out, cut the grass, financially contribute to anything we actually need (curtains, a tumble dryer), he won't take things to the skip!

On the other hand, he has a lovely bond with our son who adores him! He can also be very kind on occasion. When I told my friend (at the party) about our argument, she was shocked and said his attitude is unacceptable.

He is an artist and likes being creative. I know he finds the business of family life stressful and frustrating and he feels like he has no time to express his creativity. However, I am at the end of my tether. He stays up gaming and leaves empty packets lying around the house just after I've cleaned (within less than 1 metre of a bin, may I add) and there's seems to be no appreciation for anything I do. His opinion is that the government pay me to "stay at home" so it's only natural I do housework. If he didn't perform his duties at work, he'd be fired. He said this during the heat of argument so whether that's what he really thinks... Who knows?! Probably!

Your DH literally sounds like he is 13 and going through puberty, or perhaps a cast member of The Young Ones. No sense of responsibility, gets arsey when he's asked to help, wants to 'express his creativity', yet stays up all night gaming, throws stuff near the bin, just not in the bin, likes a bit of a play with his kid but none of the real family stuff.

He's a twat.

Has anyone else spotted that even if she was on the car insurance she wouldn't have been able to have the car anyway as he wanted to be out in it and sounds like he wouldn't want to share the use of it with her.

How nice that he gets to spend his day off alone doing what he wants.Do you reckon OP gets the same amount of free time?

@beewritesx

I use to work for an insurance company brokering car insurance policies;a female over 25 who's had her licence 18 months wouldn't cost a huge amount.Hire purchase literally has nothing to do with it either and makes sod all difference to a policy.

You can't afford two cars and he doesn't want to share his.

Gamer? Check. "Artist"? Check. Wants to have a live-mother/nanny take care of him and the home they share, but obviously with him getting to do whatever he wants? Check. Frequently leaves items strewn all over the floor for mumwife to pick up (like the teenage brat he is)? Check. Won't do chores as it interrupts his gaming/him time? Check.

Op....this isn't looking good, and doesn't look like your life is going to change any time soon.

It's amazing how easy it is to keep a happy home relatively clean and tidy without having an adult child getting in the way, needing feeding, cleaning up after, having his laundry done for him....all that free time you'd get back for yourself and your child.

UPDATE

I spoke with him this morning and told him I've had enough and that I don't want to be with him if things don't change.

He told me I have all week to "do what I want" and that he's in work 5 days a week and now he doesn't even get the weekends. He also said I should pay towards his car as he's always taking me places. Never mind that I already pay council tax, water rates, gas & electric, and food. He also had a go about the Aldi click & collect and the fact I didn't order earlier.

He has no interest in changing.

This sounds exactly like my late father. As a child, my overwhelming feeling was that my brother and me were never his priorities. It hurt.
Tbh he was hard to shake off, because he knew he'd never make it on his own. My mother eventually left him, years too late, but her life moved on very well. His didn't.

@beewritesx

UPDATE

I spoke with him this morning and told him I've had enough and that I don't want to be with him if things don't change.

He told me I have all week to "do what I want" and that he's in work 5 days a week and now he doesn't even get the weekends. He also said I should pay towards his car as he's always taking me places. Never mind that I already pay council tax, water rates, gas & electric, and food. He also had a go about the Aldi click & collect and the fact I didn't order earlier.

He has no interest in changing.

He doesn't respect or value you being a SAHM, but I suspect he wouldn't respect or value you whatever you did. You're there to raise his child (whom he will drop in on as he feels like doing), facilitate his life and request nothing in response.

We could suggest things like going to work or getting on the car insurance, but those aren't really the issue. The issue is that he sees this entire setup as nothing more than a service of his own needs and doesn't care about you in any meaningful way.

Personally I couldn't do it. He's not willing to change, so this is it unless you make the changes you CAN make.

@beewritesx

UPDATE

I spoke with him this morning and told him I've had enough and that I don't want to be with him if things don't change.

He told me I have all week to "do what I want" and that he's in work 5 days a week and now he doesn't even get the weekends. He also said I should pay towards his car as he's always taking me places. Never mind that I already pay council tax, water rates, gas & electric, and food. He also had a go about the Aldi click & collect and the fact I didn't order earlier.

He has no interest in changing.

He's a prick. He doesn't think you'll leave.