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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think DH is being unrealistic

209 replies

beewritesx · 11/09/2021 18:05

DS and myself were invited to a very good friend's DDs birthday party. She lives out in the country so it's impossible to get there via public transport. I have a full driver's license but no car and it would cost a lot to insure me on DH's car (things are very tight!). So, my mother was going to take us but my brother (who lives with her) has symptoms of Covid so, understandably, she cancelled. I asked around for lifts and eventually ended up asking DH who very reluctantly agreed. Whilst we were in the car, he told me he is sick or cancelling his plans to take me places and that "any normal person" would've cancelled. Basically, he wanted to go fishing and photographing sunsets. We also have a pick-up from Aldi to collect at 6 pm which has upset him as he wanted to out with the camera at that time (I ordered it for earlier, but Aldi changed it). He has known about this birthday party all week, but thought my mum was taking us. He clearly thinks I'm being unreasonable. I explained that he's a family man now and these things are part and parcel, but he retorted that I'm unable to miss out on any social event (despite the fact that our son was invited)! He constantly makes "jokes" about me being "clingy" and always asking him for stuff.

I've ranted enough about him on here, but in all honesty, he does nothing around the house. He doesn't take the bins out, cut the grass, financially contribute to anything we actually need (curtains, a tumble dryer), he won't take things to the skip!

On the other hand, he has a lovely bond with our son who adores him! He can also be very kind on occasion. When I told my friend (at the party) about our argument, she was shocked and said his attitude is unacceptable.

He is an artist and likes being creative. I know he finds the business of family life stressful and frustrating and he feels like he has no time to express his creativity. However, I am at the end of my tether. He stays up gaming and leaves empty packets lying around the house just after I've cleaned (within less than 1 metre of a bin, may I add) and there's seems to be no appreciation for anything I do. His opinion is that the government pay me to "stay at home" so it's only natural I do housework. If he didn't perform his duties at work, he'd be fired. He said this during the heat of argument so whether that's what he really thinks... Who knows?! Probably!

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 12/09/2021 22:56

I think he genuinely has difficulty understanding things from my perspective! In his mind, he works 5 days a week and pays the rent therefore feels absolved of other responsibilities. MIL did everything for him growing up and he's definitely her blue-eyed boy!

None of it means you have to be his mother-substitute in adult life, though.

I don’t think he’s going to improve. Don’t start to feel sorry for him - he’s shown you where you and your DS are in his priorities.

WhatAShilohPitt · 12/09/2021 23:04

@beewritesx

He's crying now. This is awkward!

Says I never want to spend time with him because I'm always cleaning and that he feels unloved, etc. Bloody hell!

So which is it? Are you always cleaning or are you always doing nothing? Tell him to at least get his insults straight. Honestly, he sounds like an absolute irritant.
SaltySheepdog · 13/09/2021 05:17

It’s irrelevant that he’s an artist, he’s self centred. Was he living with his parents before he moved in with you? Sounds like a man child

SaltySheepdog · 13/09/2021 05:21

Go stay with relatives for a bit, have a break from him. Leave him to sort his own meals, shopping and cleaning. Have time to think if you really want to be with him.

Most people who work return home, cook and clean up after themselves, change their own bedding. Is he a misogynist?

Matilda82 · 13/09/2021 05:35

Get a job and leave this waster

NewlyGranny · 13/09/2021 05:58

You're frustrated and annoyed about the messes he leaves and expects you to clean up; he's crying over the amount of time you spend cleaning instead of being with him.

Hmm. Have you asked him whether he can spot the obvious solution to that problem? 🤔

turbonerd · 13/09/2021 06:51

Oh dear. I had one of these artists. I just read your post about the crying and shuddered!
Not only is this guy an arsehole, like mine he clearly feels terribly sorry for himself.
Just run away now.
I wish I ran when I only had one.
This guy will drag you down and suck any joy of life out of you.
Most likely he will ramp up his abuse if you dont back down now. If him crying does not have the desired effect, he will make sure that you are crying.
Please leave.

ShrimpBarbarian · 13/09/2021 07:09

@beewritesx

It's a hire purchase car. Don't know if that makes a difference.
How is he affording an hp car on loving wage?
ShrimpBarbarian · 13/09/2021 07:10

Dammit, pressed post too soon
How do you know his wage? Have you seen his slips, is it possible he is earning more? Hp is not cheap

TaraR2020 · 13/09/2021 08:16

Wow, op, you can do better than him.

Being an artist is no excuse for being lazy and irresponsible- and apparently something of an arse at times too.

Hont1986 · 13/09/2021 08:36

What is living wage? Do you mean minimum wage?

billy1966 · 13/09/2021 08:59

Don't be played by this waster OP.

He is just awful.

Don't waste your future on him.
Flowers

girlmom21 · 13/09/2021 09:25

@Hont1986

What is living wage? Do you mean minimum wage?
National living wage is more than national minimum wage. Not by much though.
TaraR2020 · 13/09/2021 09:46

@Hont1986
www.livingwage.org.uk/what-real-living-wage

www.gov.uk/national-minimum-wage-rates

Basically the government recognises min wage isn't enough but doesn't want to increase it so they put the onus on "responsible" employers

beewritesx · 13/09/2021 09:47

Because he only pays the rent (just under 600) and internet/TV license. I worry about the rest (council tax, water rates, gas & electric, food) and I'm paid less than £700 pm by UC! I pointed out to him yesterday that he wouldn't be able to afford his luxuries (i.e. his car, phone, cameras) if I weren't paying for everything else and he lived alone. He still tried asking me for financial contribution towards his car as apparently he takes me everywhere (he doesn't!). I hit the roof and demanded he get out, but he's the lead tenant so refused and I don't know where to go!

He has said sorry and is being incredibly soft/apologetic but I'm sick to the back teeth of it! I'm worried about DS and the impact our arguing has on him!

OP posts:
beewritesx · 13/09/2021 09:49

Last post was in response to the person who asked how he affords a HP car

OP posts:
TaraR2020 · 13/09/2021 09:53

Shock I received 700pm on universal credit when I was a lodger with no independents. After cutting out absolutely everything but the minimum costs to survive I still struggled to make ends meet.

I really feel you, it's a very tough situation to be in.

ShrimpBarbarian · 13/09/2021 09:55

its time you moved out with DS - you'd have a much nicer life

you do deserve better

SparkyBlue · 13/09/2021 09:57

OP you poor thing being stuck with him. It sounds awful. I met a lady in the playground a few weeks ago who was looking after her grandchildren and her son in law was similar to what you describe. I was honestly shocked listening to her. This isn't normal behavior at all. My DH was the golden child at home as my mil had lots of miscarriages before him but even after years of being the pet his behavior is absolutely nothing like this so there are no excuses for it

beewritesx · 13/09/2021 10:13

@TaraR2020

Shock I received 700pm on universal credit when I was a lodger with no independents. After cutting out absolutely everything but the minimum costs to survive I still struggled to make ends meet.

I really feel you, it's a very tough situation to be in.

I am in debt and I think it contributes to my MH issues (I've always had some anxiety but this hasn't helped!). I've always blamed myself for not being able to manage/stretch the money I receive and wasting my savings on this house (furniture, etc) and our wedding (we split the cost). But thanks to a few good friends, I've realised that the reality of the situation is that it just isn't enough!

I am going back to work soon (MIL said she'll help with childcare) but, truth be told, I'm dreading it as it'll feel like a double burden - unless he changes!

OP posts:
TaraR2020 · 13/09/2021 10:20

Your friends are right op. My uc also went to some debt I had accumulated because I didn't realise I was eligible until I'd used all my savings. It was a very tough balancing act and I had a genuine terror that I was on the brink of homelessness - Well, I was on the brink really.

The stress from it was like nothing else and that was when I only had myself to worry about (because I meant dependents not independents in my previous post, obviously).

I think returning to work will help you because it gives an element of control. And you really don't need him in your life. Id look at ways you can safely make the transition to not living with him and separating your finances.
Flowers

TheWeatherWitch · 13/09/2021 10:42

I’d dump him, he sounds hard bloody work, unappreciative and a bit of a twat.

What does he bring to your relationship? Not your sons, but your relationship?

ChargingBuck · 13/09/2021 11:01

During an argument, I pointed out that I clean his clothes, cook his meals, tidy up his shit. And presumably he thinks it's my "job" as I'm at home. I'm utterly fed up, but the prospect of being a single mother scares me as I constantly feel behind with house chores.

If by "the government is paying you to stay at home" he means statuary maternity pay, you need to put him straight immediately OP.

Maternity pay is there to allow mothers to raise their babies.
It's not paid for housework.

I cannot believe that he refuses to run his own child around to parties, that you are not also on the car insurance, or that he has the gall to tell you you are in the wrong to expect him to step up & parent his own child FFS.

You'd feel way less behind with household chores if you weren't picking up after this man. Stifled creativity my arse - he's a parent, he needs to suck it up, or start doing it solo every other weekend because you've had enough & kicked him to the kerb ...

ChargingBuck · 13/09/2021 11:04

@beewritesx

He's crying now. This is awkward!

Says I never want to spend time with him because I'm always cleaning and that he feels unloved, etc. Bloody hell!

What a manipulative twat.

He could spend so much more time with you if he did his fair share of the chores, couldn't he?

Does he cry about feeling unloved & not getting time with you when he's out photographing sunsets or avoiding driving his son anywhere?

ChargingBuck · 13/09/2021 11:06

How can he be working, living under the same roof with you, whilst you claim uc? Something sounds dodgy here, are you on the fiddle or are you making shit up?

You need to find out how UC works before you start mudslinging @Marmelace.

Approx half of UC claimants are working.