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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think DH is being unrealistic

209 replies

beewritesx · 11/09/2021 18:05

DS and myself were invited to a very good friend's DDs birthday party. She lives out in the country so it's impossible to get there via public transport. I have a full driver's license but no car and it would cost a lot to insure me on DH's car (things are very tight!). So, my mother was going to take us but my brother (who lives with her) has symptoms of Covid so, understandably, she cancelled. I asked around for lifts and eventually ended up asking DH who very reluctantly agreed. Whilst we were in the car, he told me he is sick or cancelling his plans to take me places and that "any normal person" would've cancelled. Basically, he wanted to go fishing and photographing sunsets. We also have a pick-up from Aldi to collect at 6 pm which has upset him as he wanted to out with the camera at that time (I ordered it for earlier, but Aldi changed it). He has known about this birthday party all week, but thought my mum was taking us. He clearly thinks I'm being unreasonable. I explained that he's a family man now and these things are part and parcel, but he retorted that I'm unable to miss out on any social event (despite the fact that our son was invited)! He constantly makes "jokes" about me being "clingy" and always asking him for stuff.

I've ranted enough about him on here, but in all honesty, he does nothing around the house. He doesn't take the bins out, cut the grass, financially contribute to anything we actually need (curtains, a tumble dryer), he won't take things to the skip!

On the other hand, he has a lovely bond with our son who adores him! He can also be very kind on occasion. When I told my friend (at the party) about our argument, she was shocked and said his attitude is unacceptable.

He is an artist and likes being creative. I know he finds the business of family life stressful and frustrating and he feels like he has no time to express his creativity. However, I am at the end of my tether. He stays up gaming and leaves empty packets lying around the house just after I've cleaned (within less than 1 metre of a bin, may I add) and there's seems to be no appreciation for anything I do. His opinion is that the government pay me to "stay at home" so it's only natural I do housework. If he didn't perform his duties at work, he'd be fired. He said this during the heat of argument so whether that's what he really thinks... Who knows?! Probably!

OP posts:
2catsandhappy · 12/09/2021 08:52

Good for you op!

He is a knob.

The sooner you can leave the better. Let him wallow in his own mess, sort his own bills and order his own food for when it suits him.
Don't forget the CMS!

Tempusfudgeit · 12/09/2021 08:52

These threads (of which there are many) depress the hell out of me. Over one hundred caring, experienced women have told you your situation is intolerable. Why are you choosing it, for you and your son? You're teaching him all about relationships and in 30 years his unhappy wife will be in the same situation because you and his father have taught him this is how to behave. You can stop the cycle now, OP, and be happy. Why won't you?

NoSquirrels · 12/09/2021 08:56

@beewritesx

UPDATE

I spoke with him this morning and told him I've had enough and that I don't want to be with him if things don't change.

He told me I have all week to "do what I want" and that he's in work 5 days a week and now he doesn't even get the weekends. He also said I should pay towards his car as he's always taking me places. Never mind that I already pay council tax, water rates, gas & electric, and food. He also had a go about the Aldi click & collect and the fact I didn't order earlier.

He has no interest in changing.

Start making plans to leave.

What does your mum think of him?

beewritesx · 12/09/2021 09:22

He's crying now. This is awkward!

Says I never want to spend time with him because I'm always cleaning and that he feels unloved, etc. Bloody hell!

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 12/09/2021 09:24

It’s a script.

It’s your fault, obviously, for not putting him first. Now you’ve had a child he feels so unloved, boo hoo. If only you’d try harder to understand how his life is so difficult…

Don’t fall for it.

Chocolatebuttercream · 12/09/2021 09:24

@beewritesx

He's crying now. This is awkward!

Says I never want to spend time with him because I'm always cleaning and that he feels unloved, etc. Bloody hell!

Of course he is crying. Textbook example of shifting the blame.
DrSbaitso · 12/09/2021 09:25

@beewritesx

He's crying now. This is awkward!

Says I never want to spend time with him because I'm always cleaning and that he feels unloved, etc. Bloody hell!

Denigration didn't work, time for the waterworks. Stand firm, I want to see what the next one is. I'm guessing a tantrum.
TreeFella · 12/09/2021 09:39

@beewritesx

He's crying now. This is awkward!

Says I never want to spend time with him because I'm always cleaning and that he feels unloved, etc. Bloody hell!

You're always cleaning... Well he could always join in! He'd be spending time with you then! I know what type of artist he is, he's a con artist Flowers for you and another vote for ltb, your life will improve no end when you do. Do it now before your son is old enough to take on any of his dad's crappy behaviours.
InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 12/09/2021 09:39

Well of course you're always cleaning, he won't help! What an absolute cunt, how dare he turn this around on you! My blood is boiling for you. Don't fall for it , OP, he's just manipulating you. He'll get angry again when he switches off the waterworks. Angry

Allergictoironing · 12/09/2021 09:44

@beewritesx

He's crying now. This is awkward!

Says I never want to spend time with him because I'm always cleaning and that he feels unloved, etc. Bloody hell!

My response to that would be "Well if you weren't such a lazy, thoughtless, total slob I wouldn't have to be cleaning YOUR mess up all the time".

You could also point out that if he didn't spend all his time gaming & going out to fish & take pictures, he could spend more time with you. But clearly he only wants you to spend time with him when it fits round all his other priorities!

tessa101 · 12/09/2021 09:52

You are clearly down trodden by this man. Being a single parent would be far better than living this miserable life with a selfish husband.

TimeForTeaAndG · 12/09/2021 09:53

Darvo: deny, attack, and reverse victim and offender

No, if YOU didn't do XYZ, I always have to stop what I want so it's all YOUR fault.

He's a prick, OP.

timeisnotaline · 12/09/2021 09:53

Forget him, his tears and how he ‘feels’. You know how he really feels - that you’re lazy and not worth any respect and should spend your life not only cleaning up after him but paying for him and bowing down to him in deep respect.
It seems housework would be much easier without him making the work for you to do so id sit down and look at finances and your options. You could start another thread on that , peoplehere would be very helpful.

DancesWithTortoises · 12/09/2021 09:57

Tell him to grow the fuck up and pack.

Brollypackedforscottishholiday · 12/09/2021 10:00

Throw him a cloth and you can embrace housework chores together...
Or a roll of bin bags and the fucker can pack....

thecognoscenti · 12/09/2021 10:03

Christ. Maybe you'd have more time for family stuff if you weren't having to clear up his mess? If he maybe joined in with keeping your joint home tidy? What a cock. I bet his art is rubbish too.

Soubriquet · 12/09/2021 10:04

Course he’s crying

His little doormat just found herself a spine and is standing up to him

Keep firm.

ElizabethTudor · 12/09/2021 10:07

Well of course you’re always cleaning. You have a 2 year old, and an adult man-child to clean up after.

Focus on this:
He told me I have all week to "do what I want" and that he's in work 5 days a week and now he doesn't even get the weekends. He also said I should pay towards his car as he's always taking me places. Never mind that I already pay council tax, water rates, gas & electric, and food. He also had a go about the Aldi click & collect and the fact I didn't order earlier. He has no interest in changing

Not the crocodile tears.
Seriously he gets worse the more you post.

Bogeyes · 12/09/2021 10:08

He is playing the victim if he is crying. It's another device to get his own way. He sounds like a spoilt child and you would be better of without him. Think about your future....do you want to spend the rest of your life with this entitled lazy man?

JSL52 · 12/09/2021 10:17

I could write lots but it would basically say one thing ... LTB.

GurlwiththeCurl · 12/09/2021 10:17

He can do some amazing performance art. The title is “Cleaning the House whilst being a Knob”.

Film it, put it on YouTube, sit back and admire all of the positive comments.

Instant fame!

Sisisimone · 12/09/2021 10:27

Hes crying because he knows you are on to him. You are finally seeing him for the worthless shit he is. Please stand firm OP. You're life will be so much better without him. Do it for yourself and your son

MoreStuffingMatron · 12/09/2021 10:28

Get yourself insured to drive the car NOW whilst he’s in a conciliatory mood. Then google divorce proceedings.

CanofCant · 12/09/2021 10:31

The tears are a tactic. When you ignore this and it doesn't achieve his desired result he will try something else, probably become more aggressive and you will see the real him. He's fucking pathetic.

Greenmarmalade · 12/09/2021 10:32

The nerve of this man. The self-absorption.

I’m happy you’re leaving. Otherwise next it’d be “you have no time for me, I feel so unwanted, so I’ve had an affair.”