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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dh’s girlfriend from past

261 replies

Ibizafun · 11/09/2021 17:46

Dh and I are in our 50’s, happily married (2nd marriage). He’s kept in touch with a girl he dated for 3 yrs when he was 17-20 just sending birthday texts. Apparently they were friends for some time after the relationship.

Dh showed me a message from her saying she’s now working near our area and does he fancy a cup of coffee one day. I think she is now single. Dh says he’s curious as to how her life turned out and why don’t we ask her here.

He has integrity and I’m not worried about cheating but he does think it’s ok to be friends with her. I guess I’m worried if there’s still a spark, do I need those feelings stirred up in him? Am I being unreasonable to say one coffee to catch up but no friendship.

Have asked my friends but would love it confirmed here!

OP posts:
Hattie765 · 11/09/2021 17:49

It's been 30 odd years if it was going to happen it would. You don't have any right to decide who he is friends with. Fair enough if you're not comfortable with her in your home but tbh I think YABU to refuse.

crosstalk · 11/09/2021 17:50

Ask her to yours.

Yummypumpkin · 11/09/2021 17:51

You don't get to pick his friends. You can explain it makes you uncomfortable but why not meet her for the coffee first. It may feel fine to you and he's hardly been underhand or secretive.

Original poster
Ibizafun · 11/09/2021 17:52

I think I do have a right to decide who he’s friends with when it comes to single women he’s dated! Especially as he asked me how I felt. Can ask her to ours but it’s the prospect of friendship after I’m not sure I’m comfortable with

OP posts:
SheABitSpicyToday · 11/09/2021 17:53

Seriously? After 30 years. That’s very insecure of you.

Original poster
Ibizafun · 11/09/2021 17:53

Thank you. Different advice from my friends saying why do I need it, single women are dangerousGrin

OP posts:
Hekatestorch · 11/09/2021 17:54

So they have been friends 3 times longer than they were a couple?

I think yabu and would invite her over.

Also, I don't feel you can say 'no friendship' that's not your decision to make.

You can tell him exactly why you feel uncomfortable with it and then he can make his decision from there.

But since you aren't worried about cheating, I don't see the issue.

peboh · 11/09/2021 17:54

@Ibizafun

I think I do have a right to decide who he’s friends with when it comes to single women he’s dated! Especially as he asked me how I felt. Can ask her to ours but it’s the prospect of friendship after I’m not sure I’m comfortable with
No you do not have a right to decide who he gets to be friends with, no ifs or buts.
Shamoo · 11/09/2021 17:54

Sorry OP, I agree that you don’t have a right to dictate if he is friends with her. It’s 30 years ago and, I am assuming from what you have said, you have no reason to doubt him.

girlmom21 · 11/09/2021 17:55

They dated when they were little more than kids.
Why did the separate?

I think, unless she was the one that got away or similar, then YABU.

Have you asked if he still has feelings for her?

Original poster
Ibizafun · 11/09/2021 17:55

Ok… taking on board your advice. Thank you. My ex cheated on me lived a double life for years. But dh always says all he wants for us is a long and happy marriage, he has never cheated on anybody.

OP posts:
Shurl · 11/09/2021 17:55

You really don't have the right to select his friends.

And after 30yrs I think you are being rather ridiculous

Yummymummy2020 · 11/09/2021 17:55

I can’t say I would like it either🤷🏼‍♀️ I feel a bit silly though saying that by other peoples reactions😂

Fairyliz · 11/09/2021 17:56

I can remember when friends reunited was first set up (is it still going?). Apparently there were lots of broken marriages from people getting together with previous partners.
Probably partly due to the fact that we would all like to be 18 again.

Hekatestorch · 11/09/2021 17:56

@Ibizafun

Thank you. Different advice from my friends saying why do I need it, single women are dangerousGrin
Wow do all your friends hate women in general?

That attitude is why single parents, usually women, end up isolated. I know I did. I couldn't even attend ds hobby with teh married women sneering and being pretty vile. My best friends kids also attended and witnessed it herself.

Funny how they were all fine with me when dp attended a game

I don't find that attitude funny at all. But now I can see why you have a problem with this woman.

pinkyredrose · 11/09/2021 17:57

I think I do have a right to decide who he’s friends with when it comes to single women he’s dated!

Gosh.

Angrymum22 · 11/09/2021 17:57

This happened with my DH last year. Ended up verging on an emotional affair. If your marriage is good then I would tell him that you don’t feel comfortable with it. Our relationship weathered the storm and we are back on track. Maybe it was because there were no problems at the time. Like your DH, my DH was curious, it nearly ended up with him loosing everything.

pompomsgalore · 11/09/2021 17:58

I personally wouldn't like it because I'm a bit insecure. I'm happy to admit that.

Original poster
Ibizafun · 11/09/2021 17:58

He has always described her as attractive. When I say I have the right to decide who he’s friends with, what I mean is I expect him to respect my feelings if I am uncomfortable with a friendship, as I would prioritise his feelings in the same position.

OP posts:
Angrymum22 · 11/09/2021 17:58

Covid Cabin Fever.

summercupcake · 11/09/2021 18:00

I'd be uncomfortable with him seeing her alone, but if he invited you along then that's fine I suppose.

His interest in how her life's been etc. After all this time and wanting to catch up is what's a bit hurtful.

After 30 years my DH isn't the slightest bit arsed and doesn't give ex's any headspace.

Stinkywizzleteets · 11/09/2021 18:01

single women are dangerous?

Seriously? Has your husband an inability to keep it in his pants or say no to an extra marital affair? Do you think single women exude some kind of chemical akin to a love potion that your poor husband will be incapable for fighting against? Maybe she’ll cast a spell over him…

Give the man some credit. And stop dictating to him who his friends can be. They were children, it was a long time ago and if they rekindle their teenage romance then it’s your husband that is at fault because he’s the married one. If he’s going to run off with someone else he’ll do it regardless of having your permission

I’m still good friends with my teenage ex. We were together 10 years. He’s friends with my partner and family too. My partner knows and trusts me.

Original poster
Ibizafun · 11/09/2021 18:01

Please everyone read Angrymum22‘s post. That is exactly what I mean when I say ‘do I need this’. I’m so glad you are back on track. An emotional affair would be my nightmare. That’s insecure I know, but he’s one in a million, we have a lovely life together and I don’t want to rock the boat I guess.

OP posts:
chelle862 · 11/09/2021 18:02

Single women aren't dangerous 🙄 What makes you think your husband is that special that she'd want him in that way? Maybe she just wants coffee and a catch up! Men and women can be friends you know!

WorraLiberty · 11/09/2021 18:02

@Ibizafun

Thank you. Different advice from my friends saying why do I need it, single women are dangerousGrin
Why are you friends with a bunch of sexist cunts?
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