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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dh’s girlfriend from past

261 replies

Ibizafun · 11/09/2021 17:46

Dh and I are in our 50’s, happily married (2nd marriage). He’s kept in touch with a girl he dated for 3 yrs when he was 17-20 just sending birthday texts. Apparently they were friends for some time after the relationship.

Dh showed me a message from her saying she’s now working near our area and does he fancy a cup of coffee one day. I think she is now single. Dh says he’s curious as to how her life turned out and why don’t we ask her here.

He has integrity and I’m not worried about cheating but he does think it’s ok to be friends with her. I guess I’m worried if there’s still a spark, do I need those feelings stirred up in him? Am I being unreasonable to say one coffee to catch up but no friendship.

Have asked my friends but would love it confirmed here!

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Original poster
Ibizafun · 11/09/2021 18:03

Loving “Covid Cabin Fever”GrinGrin

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seaandsandcastles · 11/09/2021 18:03

Don’t be so silly - of course you don’t have a right to say who he can and can’t be friends with. It doesn’t matter if it’s Joe Bloggs from down the street or an ex he was passionately in love with. It’s none of your business.

Bluntness100 · 11/09/2021 18:05

Look if you trust him you’ve not issue here he can be friends with who he wants. If you don’t then yes you can come over all controlling and dictate his friendships. It doesn’t stop a bloke cheating on you though, it just makes them hide it better.

Or you’re deeply insecure and like to engage in drama and being controlling, so are going this route.

Beautifulday345 · 11/09/2021 18:07

Op a lot of people on MN enjoy sitting on their high horse, but in the real world most people wouldn’t be comfortable with this. Why is he even wondering how her life has turned out? Who cares?!

Original poster
Ibizafun · 11/09/2021 18:07

I do NOT feel single women are dangerous, I know this very well as was one for a few years and didn’t feel the slightest bit dangerous!! I encountered this attitude too and now think they see single women as a threat to their lifestyle.

Before you say I’m one of them because I’m feeling insecure, dh has always told me how attractive she was and still is!

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Original poster
Ibizafun · 11/09/2021 18:08

Thank you Beautifulday345!!

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YoungForever · 11/09/2021 18:08

I've been through the whole "friends with ex" fiasco and I'd say don't go there. It's not about trust or expecting him to cheat, for me it's about knowing what your gut tells you is right. For some it might be ok, but I doubt that many advising it's "all ok" have actually had to put up with it and the inevitable bullshit that comes along. You can tell I've been burned, I'm sure.

seaandsandcastles · 11/09/2021 18:08

Before you say I’m one of them because I’m feeling insecure, dh has always told me how attractive she was and still is!

So? He’s allowed to find other people attractive.

Original poster
Ibizafun · 11/09/2021 18:10

I disagree with all those saying it’s not my business though.. we’re married and are meant to respect each other’s feelings surely? Even if one might be a bit neurotic?

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Angrymum22 · 11/09/2021 18:10

The trouble is they remember the girl but have never met the woman. DH kept showing me pictures of this frumpy middle aged woman who had obviously been very pretty but like us all was faded. It didn’t help that most of the photos on her FB page were over 10yrs old. She was also very good with the filters.
DH viewed it all with rose tinted glasses but when she started to visit the area ( no reason to) and had asked about him in his local pub he realised that she has become a bit of a stalker. It was a big ego boost initially, now it’s a bit weird.
I did warn him and he didn’t believe me, I have never met her but men are so naive when it comes to bunny boilers.

CatherinedeBourgh · 11/09/2021 18:11

Ifhe’s so crap that you can’t trust him to have a friend without it turning into an emotional affair he’s not one in a million, is he?

ittakes2 · 11/09/2021 18:11

I think asking her to your's where she can see you are a happy couple and you can meet and sus her out makes the best sense.

seaandsandcastles · 11/09/2021 18:12

@Ibizafun

I disagree with all those saying it’s not my business though.. we’re married and are meant to respect each other’s feelings surely? Even if one might be a bit neurotic?
Respect, yes. Not be controlled or manipulated by them.

Your feelings of insecurity don’t get to control his life and his friendships. That’s a you problem that you need to deal with without it affecting him.

vivainsomnia · 11/09/2021 18:12

So.tou tell him 'dint you dare'. Either he isn't that bothered, says fair enough, understand your feelings, text her he's not available, deletes her number, all good.

Or he is very pissed off by your controlling attitude and although he isn't that bothered, decides to meet with her just to prove to himself that he is not a controlled man. He tells it more likely doesn't.

He does have some feelings left for her and her being back in his life is rekindling it all. Nothing you do or don't will stop him from trying things with her again, behind your back of course.
.

MadinMarch · 11/09/2021 18:15

single women are dangerous?

FFS! God give me strenth...
What a way to live.

Angrymum22 · 11/09/2021 18:17

I have no problem with my DH being friends with any woman including other ex’s but this one from 30yrs ago just didn’t sit well. She is just out of a 30 yr marriage and my DH was her only ex. I felt that he was an easy option in her eyes or maybe a “look I’m back with my true love” gesture aimed at her ex husband.
The utter arrogance of the woman astounded me, that she felt she could just click her fingers after 30yrs and he’d drop everything and come running.

Crumpetsandhoney · 11/09/2021 18:17

I think there are some very naive people on here. I wouldn't make her forbidden fruit. I would meet her with both of you for a coffee but if she is recently single I wouldn't want her worming her way into her lives especially not if she's hot. If she seems completely not into your husband and you like her then you may have a new friend.
I don't think someone you went out with for 3 years is friend they are an ex you are on friendly terms with. There's a difference.

Original poster
Ibizafun · 11/09/2021 18:19

To the person saying he can’t be one in a million if I’m worried he’ll have an emotional affair.. wrong. He is one in a million for many reasons and tells me if I’m uncomfortable with this he’ll just make an excuse (no, not see her behind my back).

As I’ve said, most of the advice here is the opposite to what I’ve had in RL but I’ve asked for it so thank you.

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purplewolfie · 11/09/2021 18:20

I'm friends wth my teenage ex. My partner and his wife are fine with it. We went to their wedding.
It's all a very long time ago and completely different to an 'adult' relationship.
Try not to be on the look-out for dangers that aren't there.

Cheeseplantboots · 11/09/2021 18:21

I I’ve been married 27 years. Still keep in touch with someone I was with when we were at school. We’ve seen each other for coffee, a drink, trips to the theatre and we even travelled to another friends 40th although obviously stayed in separate hotels. My DH has no issue with it.

stupiduser · 11/09/2021 18:22

But surely you are rocking the boat my telling a grown man who he can be friends with

JengaNonConfirming · 11/09/2021 18:22

@Ibizafun

Thank you. Different advice from my friends saying why do I need it, single women are dangerousGrin
Lovely. All those evil single women out hunting for poor defenceless married men Hmm
stupiduser · 11/09/2021 18:24

Just as an FYI, my partner is similar age and is friends on social media with his first love, the girl he lost his virginity to, I wouldn't have a problem with them meeting up. If anything was going to happen it wouldn't have taken 30 years

furbabymama87 · 11/09/2021 18:25

You can't control what he does and if he really wants to see her he will, it has to be his decision, but that doesn't mean you can't tell him how you feel. However I doubt many women would be happy with this. I can't understand why a person would want to get in touch with someone after 30 years and ask to meet. If any of my exes ever got in touch and asked to meet, sorry but I'm not interested and got better things to do.

Original poster
Ibizafun · 11/09/2021 18:27

Angrymum22 I don’t blame you.. beyond arrogant. Crumpetsandhoney Thank you.. I don’t want her working her way into our lives. I do wonder why she never asked to meet up when she was married!!!

My rational thoughts tell me I’m worrying for nothing and dh would never risk our marriage.. he only wants peace and harmony. But I have been naive before and my friends’ reactions set me off I guess.

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