Dh’s girlfriend from past

[Ibizafun]

Dh and I are in our 50’s, happily married (2nd marriage). He’s kept in touch with a girl he dated for 3 yrs when he was 17-20 just sending birthday texts. Apparently they were friends for some time after the relationship.

Dh showed me a message from her saying she’s now working near our area and does he fancy a cup of coffee one day. I think she is now single. Dh says he’s curious as to how her life turned out and why don’t we ask her here.

He has integrity and I’m not worried about cheating but he does think it’s ok to be friends with her. I guess I’m worried if there’s still a spark, do I need those feelings stirred up in him? Am I being unreasonable to say one coffee to catch up but no friendship.

Have asked my friends but would love it confirmed here!

I think I do have a right to decide who he’s friends with when it comes to single women he’s dated!

I absolutely don't agree.

Trying to own and control an adult you don't even trust, is never going to make either of you happy.

Not all single women are “dangerous” but not all single women are innocent little angels either. This woman might just want a catch up with an old friend. She might want a try at the back up plan bloke. Who knows?

Men can’t be forced to have an affair though (physical or emotional). In your position, I’d be interested to know why he’s so curious how life turned out for someone who only warranted birthday texts over the years. Emotional affair (and more) territory here but not because of her.

my loyal, trustworthy, principled husband sleepwalked a physical affair with her.

We must stop infantilising men like this especially because by association we then demonise women.

He didn't sleepwalk into it. He made a series of selfish, reckless, disloyal and incredibly hurtful decisions.

He wasn't powerless to the feminine wiles of this temptress. He chose to be unfaithful, first emotionally (presumably) then physically.

A series of many decisions that he knew would hurt his partner is not sleepwalking. It's plain old fashioned cheating.

@Ibizafun

He has always described her as attractive. When I say I have the right to decide who he’s friends with, what I mean is I expect him to respect my feelings if I am uncomfortable with a friendship, as I would prioritise his feelings in the same position.

If one of his friends was rude to you or made a pass at him or declared her undying love or something like that, he'd of course put you first and stop seeing her. As you would with the reverse. But this woman hasn't done anything; you haven't even met her. And if they were friends for years after breaking up and have kept in touch, I'd really think of her as a friend more than an ex, but you'd get a better feel of that if you met her.

I do wonder why she never asked to meet up when she was married!!! From what you wrote, I thought she'd just moved near you for work. Maybe she's just reaching out to whoever she knows in the area because she's new there.

As for "why do I need it?" - you don't need or want it for yourself; why would you? But your H seems to want to catch up with his old friend. Do you never have things you want that he doesn't care about but agrees to or does for/with you anyway?

Why does your DH want to explore it further in person after this long?
If they were such good friends it would not have taken so long to meet up.
I reckon he's intrigued as to whether she is still attractive.
Unfortunately, curiosity could cause problems. That said, if he would never cheat - trust him.
I trust my DH but he'd never want to do this anyway so it's a moot point for me.
Perhaps, cuppa at yours is an option?

I wouldn’t like it and I certainly wouldn’t welcome her coming into my home.

I am stunned that the YABU figure is so high. Like hell would the vast majority of women be OK with this. Come ON!!!

I understand and appreciate that many women wouldn't like this situation. I also understand that many would be okay with it, and some would be okay but watchful. I understand that you wouldn't like it. So why the disbelief on your part that anyone might have a different opinion to yours? Why think that so many people are just lying, simply because they're saying something different to how you feel?

Asking to meet up now could be more an age thing rather than an end of marriage thing. I know that when I was 50 last year I became more curious about what old friends who I'd known at school and Uni were doing than j had been before. Obviously they weren't people I'd kept in touch with much, other than the odd comment on Facebook.

You think he's one in a million, but he will think you are too. You say it's both of your second marriages. He loved another woman once to marry her.....and yet its this one who he split up with when he was barely out of his teenage years that is bothering you! Why?

Your friends are nuts. If a man and a woman are going to have an affair then marital status of the person is irrelevant, as it seems you know. However, sometimes, someone can just be curious to know how a person from their past is doing.

Meet her together, who knows, maybe you'll like her.

@Ibizafun

Thank you. Different advice from my friends saying why do I need it, single women are dangerous

Your friends' attitude seems a bit misogynistic. Perhaps remind them that married women are just as capable of having affairs with married men

[quote MyPatronusIsACat]@Deletesystem33

I'm a real woman, not some fake, lying cool wife, and I'd be fine with it.[/quote]
I'm sorry you can't comprehend other people feeling differently from you. It must be very limiting.

[quote MyPatronusIsACat]@SheABitSpicyToday

Seriously? After 30 years. That’s very insecure of you.

@barskits

After 30 years, I too would be suspicious of the motives of a newly-single woman contacting a married man and asking him if he fancies a coffee.

Yep this ^ It's very suspicious, and very worrying that the OP's husband wants to meet her 'to find out how her life turned out...' Hmm yeah right.

I am stunned that the YABU figure is so high. Like hell would the vast majority of women be OK with this. Come ON!!! [/quote]
It's possible to both not like it and also feel it's not OK to dictate who your partner is friends with.

OPs feelings are valid and understandable. Still doesn't make being controlling ok.

@Angrymum22

This happened with my DH last year. Ended up verging on an emotional affair. If your marriage is good then I would tell him that you don’t feel comfortable with it. Our relationship weathered the storm and we are back on track. Maybe it was because there were no problems at the time. Like your DH, my DH was curious, it nearly ended up with him loosing everything.

This is what usually happens in these scenarios; this board is full of them. Especially concerning as DH has commented upon her attractiveness...

prokupatuscrakedatus

You make an excellent point. The idea that it is women in society who are the ones who lead men astray is strongly embedded.

You'd think women would take a step back and look at what the end game of buying into this narrative is, especially given what is going on in Afghanistan. Girls there will now need to wear a Niqab and black gloves to even get an education. Women will be forced to wear all black in public. Because women are seen as dangerous and tempting. Too dangerous and too tempting to be allowed any freedom.

Women who feel like men should be responsible for their own actions are derided by other women on here as 'cool wives'

No wonder patriarchy is so unbreakable when so many women happily shore it up.

Calling single women dangerous in this day and age is pretty disgusting misogynistic shit. What"s next, stoning them?

@Intransigentcat

prokupatuscrakedatus

You make an excellent point. The idea that it is women in society who are the ones who lead men astray is strongly embedded.

You'd think women would take a step back and look at what the end game of buying into this narrative is, especially given what is going on in Afghanistan. Girls there will now need to wear a Niqab and black gloves to even get an education. Women will be forced to wear all black in public. Because women are seen as dangerous and tempting. Too dangerous and too tempting to be allowed any freedom.

Women who feel like men should be responsible for their own actions are derided by other women on here as 'cool wives'

No wonder patriarchy is so unbreakable when so many women happily shore it up.

Calling single women dangerous in this day and age is pretty disgusting misogynistic shit. What"s next, stoning them?

Bloody brilliant post.

If your husband strays, he strays. It's his decision.

If I had to live on my nerves that my DH would come into contact with single women who may want him I'd be wrecked. He is a great package- I chose him, after all, but his loss if he would ever stray. I can hand on heart say I feel he never would , but nobody can ever say never as you cannot control or make decisions for others.

Get some self respect and value yourself.

Its clear op doesn't doesn't trust her husband as she says she does.

To op single woman, wanting to meet up with a married friend of 30 years equals dangerous single woman wanting to steal her man.

Yet married man, also wanting to meet up with dangerously single female friend of 30 years is totally innocent and trustworthy and 'one in a million'.

If op was really not worried about cheating and confident he wouldn't, she would also know any sign of inappropriate behaviour from her would mean him cutting her off. Or of he felt old feelings surfacing he would cut her off.

This is the problem. Either he has done things that make him untrustworthy or Op is letting something, someone else did to her years ago (the ex who cheated) ductile her decisions and thinks this should also dictate her DHs friendships.

@Intransigentcat

prokupatuscrakedatus

You make an excellent point. The idea that it is women in society who are the ones who lead men astray is strongly embedded.

You'd think women would take a step back and look at what the end game of buying into this narrative is, especially given what is going on in Afghanistan. Girls there will now need to wear a Niqab and black gloves to even get an education. Women will be forced to wear all black in public. Because women are seen as dangerous and tempting. Too dangerous and too tempting to be allowed any freedom.

Women who feel like men should be responsible for their own actions are derided by other women on here as 'cool wives'

No wonder patriarchy is so unbreakable when so many women happily shore it up.

Calling single women dangerous in this day and age is pretty disgusting misogynistic shit. What"s next, stoning them?

👏👏👏

Controlling is insisting on joint SM account or having full access to DH’s smart media. It’s not controlling to say you are uncomfortable with DH meeting up with an ex, having not seen them for 30yrs.

It's not the women who are dangerous, it's the situation.

The DH is curious, goes to meet OW. OW is attractive and seems new and fresh (conversation-wise) compared to DW. DH wonders 'what if'. OW is free and might be up for an affair. DW obviously trusts him. DH starts to woo OW, turns into a complete shit because he is only thinking with his dick.

As I pp, classic EA territory.

Compare it to a bar of chocolate or packet of biscuits. If it's in the shop or inside a cupboard, you haven't seen it so don't think about it. If it's opened and in front of you, it's a lot harder to resist.

Old flames should remain in the past.

Are these responses to be believed?
NO! Do not trust this woman...At all.
If they 'meet' it could change your happy dynamic.
Where does it lead to after that?
Who in their sane mind would enjoy this fragility?

@Ibizafun

I think I do have a right to decide who he’s friends with when it comes to single women he’s dated! Especially as he asked me how I felt. Can ask her to ours but it’s the prospect of friendship after I’m not sure I’m comfortable with

Actually you don't have any right to say he can be friends with just as he doesn't have right to tell you who to be friends with. You are both adults and free to choose your own friends.

There must be something you are letting on about, you say he has integrity yet in the same breath worried a coffee meet might ignite a spark. If they wanted to have an affair they would have done it in the 30 years they have been in touch. Surely the fact he suggested meeting her together shows he has no interest in her, and that he wants to show his wife off to her

Whilst you dont get to choose his friends, you have every right to not be happy with it.

I wouldnt be happy with it tbh.

Something lit the spark 30yrs ago whose to say it won’t ignite again. That’s the difference to any other female friendship.

Totally agree with the posters who suggest meeting her together, as it isn't really an issue of whether he would cheat, but DH and I are mostly have the same circle of friends. He will go out with his mates, and I will go out with mine, but he has met most of my exes and I've met most of his, so not a big deal.

Quire normal to be curious how her life has turned out.

As a counterbalance to those whose partners did reconnect with lovers after a similar period, let me tell you about DH . In town he bumped into a girlfriend from uni some 25 years previously. They went for lunch to catch up. Both married, though she trotted out some version of the my husband doesn't understand me line. She then shocked my DH completely by suggesting they get a hotel room for the rest of the afternoon. He declined (probably rather more rudely than was polite) and abandoned the rest of his lunch. Up until that moment he had been completely oblivious as to what was in her mind . All of which is a roundabout way of saying that a man who can be persuaded to cheat won't be stopped by you withholding permission, but a trustworthy man remains trustworthy. In your circumstances I'd be alerting DH to the possibility that she might expect more from him, not because I don't trust him, but just because I know how unobservant he can be. When he's alert to something he can shut it down much quicker and more subtly than the blunt response you get when he's surprised into it.