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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dh’s girlfriend from past

261 replies

Ibizafun · 11/09/2021 17:46

Dh and I are in our 50’s, happily married (2nd marriage). He’s kept in touch with a girl he dated for 3 yrs when he was 17-20 just sending birthday texts. Apparently they were friends for some time after the relationship.

Dh showed me a message from her saying she’s now working near our area and does he fancy a cup of coffee one day. I think she is now single. Dh says he’s curious as to how her life turned out and why don’t we ask her here.

He has integrity and I’m not worried about cheating but he does think it’s ok to be friends with her. I guess I’m worried if there’s still a spark, do I need those feelings stirred up in him? Am I being unreasonable to say one coffee to catch up but no friendship.

Have asked my friends but would love it confirmed here!

OP posts:
Angrymum22 · 11/09/2021 18:27

My DH is very quick to let me know when he isn’t comfortable with certain men talking to me. Like most men he can see when someone is showing more than a friendly interest. I am the same with some women. It’s all part of the long term relationship dance.
Communication is the bedrock of a relationship and being able to tell your partner who you are uncomfortable around is important. In 30 yrs there have only been 2 other women I have had that feeling with.

LyndzB · 11/09/2021 18:27

@Ibizafun

Thank you. Different advice from my friends saying why do I need it, single women are dangerousGrin
Single women are dangerous? You have incredibly sexist friends.
Original poster
Ibizafun · 11/09/2021 18:31

Sorry if I’ve offended people with my friend’s remark about single women. Of course that is a ridiculous generalisation.

OP posts:
TrotOnCharlie · 11/09/2021 18:32

I've just caught up with some old friends from teen years. We've not been in touch for nearly 30 years.
It's rather lovely, I've got my own teens now so my teen memories are really relevant. Our parents are all getting sick and dying, these old friends remember them from lifts. Is great having your dad was strict/miserable/lovely/ never there confirmed by eye witnesses at the time.

On the surface we all seem secure. Worked for us.

Underamour · 11/09/2021 18:33

It would be unusual to carry a torch for 30 years. Thats quite the torch! More likely, as we grow older it is harder to find people we connect with and can trust. I would think she’s just looking for like minded people. Get your dh to slip in a few “me and the wife” comments to make it crystal clear nothing is ever going to happen

TwinsandTrifle · 11/09/2021 18:33

Different advice from my friends saying why do I need it, single women are dangerous

Not all are. But let's not be naive and pretend some aren't completely predatory, sick of being single, and out to snag whoever, married or not. Yes, yes, in a perfect world the flawless adoring DH would never even look at anyone else. Meanwhile in the real world, things can, and from PP stating their experiences, do, happen.

My DH would never instigate anything. However, if he got chased and chased, flattered then propositioned by Cindy Crawford, well, who knows.

This is someone he's slept with, and calls attractive. Who's asked him to meet up, and she's single. I wouldn't encourage this. I think you can't declare "no you can't go", but equally, if someone asks you to make that decision by seeking your approval: Do you mind? and you answer "yes"... Well, he's got his answer.

And no, I don't think it makes you insecure. I think it makes you smart and considerate of the possible outcomes, and is the worst outcome worth risking, just to go for "one coffee". No.

Hekatestorch · 11/09/2021 18:34

You don't think single women are dangerous.

But are friends with women who think it. Poor men, can't help themselves with dangerous single women around.

Ask her, when she comes to yours why she hasn't wanted to meet up until now.

There could be loads of really mundane reasons.

Original poster
Ibizafun · 11/09/2021 18:36

TwinsandTrifle Very wise words. Thank you.

OP posts:
Ilovenandos · 11/09/2021 18:37

I think you are right to question and refuse it. I would! Why do you need your life turning upside down? There is no way I would want my DH to do it (also second marriage for us too). My ex DH went back to an ex GF once we had split up, she was not anything to do with us splitting at all but they rekindled their romance so it definitely can happen…..I hope it all works out well for you.

Original poster
Ibizafun · 11/09/2021 18:38

Hekatestorch There’d have to be a lot of reasons to cover 30 years..

OP posts:
Angrymum22 · 11/09/2021 18:38

TwinsandTrifle wise words. Men of a certain age become starry eyed when their egos are stroked. And yes a single woman who has had a physical and emotional relationship with your husband in the past is a threat. Time has a habit of erasing all the crap from your memory. Who wouldn’t want to go back to those heady days of teenage love.

Hekatestorch · 11/09/2021 18:39

@TwinsandTrifle wtf!

If your husband cheats, it's because he chooses to cheat. Not because a woman has kept asking him. If he cheats, it's entirely his responsibility.

He can keep saying no. Is there a magic number of times a woman has to make a play where its no longer his fault

Doesn't matter how 'predatory' a woman is. Unless she is sexually assaulting him, the fault would be with him.

And, FYI, I know far more single women that want to remain single, than are that fed up of single life, they wouldnt waste time pursuing a bloke who doesn't cheat unless you come on to him 16 times then he will cheat.

Your husband isn't a prize to most women.

And also, you do realise women who aren't single also sleep with married men?

Original poster
Ibizafun · 11/09/2021 18:40

Thank you Ilovenandos. Thank you all for your answers, even the rude ones! We are out with friends shortly but will return to the thread in the morning if there’s anyone who’s not fed up!

OP posts:
Hekatestorch · 11/09/2021 18:40

@Ibizafun

Hekatestorch There’d have to be a lot of reasons to cover 30 years..
Not really.

She may have not been in the area.
Or maybe covid made her want to catch up with old friends.

There could be just one good reason she suggested it now.

Original poster
Ibizafun · 11/09/2021 18:43

Hekatestorch Without wishing to sound arrogant, my dh would in fact be a prize to a lot of women. My married friends are the first to tell me. Sure we all have different tastes etc.. but he’s a kind, generous, unusually good person. Who has never cheated. Sometimes insecurity is unfounded.

OP posts:
ponyexpress22 · 11/09/2021 18:43

No I wouldn't like it. For all you know she might want to rekindle something from all those years ago. She might want to see if she still has the power to attract an old boyfriend. Maybe try to bring a bit of excitement back in her life. I'd just tell him you aren't comfortable with it and please respect your wishes.

LittleLadyCece · 11/09/2021 18:45

@Ibizafun wow you are getting a lot of flack on here this evening. I'd be very weary myself to be honest. Of course, we have no right over who our DHs are friends with but if asked I'd be truthful and say it makes you uncomfortable. 30 years is a long time and you've said you have trust in your DH - its surely the old friend whose motivation is unclear which makes you uneasy I assume?

Latenightreader · 11/09/2021 18:45

As a happily single woman with a number of platonic male friends this makes me very sad, especially as it was 30 years ago. Maybe I’m unusual, but I don’t harbour romantic feelings for any of my exes - nostalgic in a couple of cases but definitely no desire to rekindle the past. If you trust your husband let him meet for a coffee and trust him to be honest to you about what he thinks her motivations are.

LindyLou2020 · 11/09/2021 18:45

I wouldn't really know what to advise about Ibizafun's DH bringing his ex/old friend back into his life/their life - I can actually see both opposing points of view.
What I do think is that some of you are being pretty vile to her. Why is that?
Unless I've missed a post or posts, I don't think anyone has acknowledged the fact her ex cheated on her.
You do remain affected by it and can dread history repeating itself.
So even if you think OP is BU, can you please be nicer? Thank you 🙂

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 11/09/2021 18:46

Single women are dangerous?
Do they all carry guns or something?

Your friends need to cut that crap out.

poor vulnerable men do have a way to defend themselves against these dangerous single women. It is the word no.
It's surprisingly effective against these dangerous single women. 🙄

Pinkbrush · 11/09/2021 18:48

You absolutely have a right to express that you don’t want him to see someone if said person makes you feel uncomfortable. Relationships are about being open and honest and he should be open to hearing what makes you uncomfortable and seeing how he can ease that. Inviting her to your house sounds like a good compromise.

Ignore the rude comments.

Outbutnotoutout · 11/09/2021 18:50

I remember when my partner and I were in our first year of our relationship (we had both split for long term marriages) and we were talking about past partners and he said he would like to catch up with the girl he lost his virginity to when he was 17, he's 54 now.

I was like, um why?
What are you going to say to her husband?

He didn't get it until I pointed it out how inappropriate it would be

MereDintofPandiculation · 11/09/2021 18:50

That’s insecure I know, but he’s one in a million, we have a lovely life together and I don’t want to rock the boat I guess. You are likely to rock the boat by dictating who he can be friends with and implying you don't trust him.

TwinsandTrifle · 11/09/2021 18:51

There could be just one good reason she suggested it now.

Yes, there absolutely could be.

And there also could be a woman, unhappy being on her own, no luck in the dating world, and fancies making a play where she knows she's been successful before.

We don't know. Do I want to facilitate the former when there's any chance of it being the latter. All for a cup of coffee? Nope.

And again, yes, yes, perfect world, no one would ever cheat. And yes it takes both to participate. To think it makes no difference that there's one actively trying to make the other cheat, is a touch naive. Would I feel comfortable with this "test" just so this woman (who's an ex sexual partner) gets a coffee with my husband. Nope. And I'm not insecure at all. I'm just a realist and people aren't perfect.

THisbackwithavengeance · 11/09/2021 18:52

I know shedloads of people who have got together in later life with girl and boyfriends they dated at school/as teenagers.

I'm not saying they cheated but it's a thing.

I don't think you're being silly OP, I think you're being sensible. I wouldn't veto it outright but I'm sure your DH wouldn't like it if you became 'friends' with an old boyfriend either and went off for coffees together.

I'd invite her over and keep an open mind. I certainly wouldn't be encouraging my DH to meet her without me.