Dh’s girlfriend from past

[Ibizafun]

Dh and I are in our 50’s, happily married (2nd marriage). He’s kept in touch with a girl he dated for 3 yrs when he was 17-20 just sending birthday texts. Apparently they were friends for some time after the relationship.

Dh showed me a message from her saying she’s now working near our area and does he fancy a cup of coffee one day. I think she is now single. Dh says he’s curious as to how her life turned out and why don’t we ask her here.

He has integrity and I’m not worried about cheating but he does think it’s ok to be friends with her. I guess I’m worried if there’s still a spark, do I need those feelings stirred up in him? Am I being unreasonable to say one coffee to catch up but no friendship.

Have asked my friends but would love it confirmed here!

@TwinsandTrifle

Different advice from my friends saying why do I need it, single women are dangerous

Not all are. But let's not be naive and pretend some aren't completely predatory, sick of being single, and out to snag whoever, married or not. Yes, yes, in a perfect world the flawless adoring DH would never even look at anyone else. Meanwhile in the real world, things can, and from PP stating their experiences, do, happen.

My DH would never instigate anything. However, if he got chased and chased, flattered then propositioned by Cindy Crawford, well, who knows.

This is someone he's slept with, and calls attractive. Who's asked him to meet up, and she's single. I wouldn't encourage this. I think you can't declare "no you can't go", but equally, if someone asks you to make that decision by seeking your approval: Do you mind? and you answer "yes"... Well, he's got his answer.

And no, I don't think it makes you insecure. I think it makes you smart and considerate of the possible outcomes, and is the worst outcome worth risking, just to go for "one coffee". No.

100% this.

I think that if you have a good marriage then there is nothing to worry about.

[quote MyPatronusIsACat]@Ibizafun Wrong place to ask something like this. You get all the cool wives on here who will tell you you are horribly insecure and childish, and being silly, and THEY would have no issue with it whatsoever.

In the REAL world however, the vast majority of women would not be happy with this, and it's understandable for them to be worried. They should be too. It's pretty common for old flames to hook up again, and take off where they left off.

I would be telling him you are unhappy with this. Why he needs - and wants to see her again is baffling. Who the F wants to re-engage with an ex from 30 years ago? Very weird, and worrying, and horribly disrespectful to you - his wife.

Nip it in the bud now, and tell him you're not happy with it. If he loves you and cares for you, he will not see her, and will give her a wide berth, and not see her. If he moans about it, and is pissed off with you seeing her, then you need to worry.

It's already pretty odd that he wants to meet up with her. If he's curious about what's going on with her life, he can look at her facebook for 5 minutes and find out![/quote]
I'm a real woman, not some fake lying cool wife, and I'd be fine with it.

He’s not sneaking behind your back but asking her to meet you too. Trust the guy

@Deletesystem33

I'm a real woman, not some fake, lying cool wife, and I'd be fine with it.

single women are dangerous -
so keep them under the surveillance of male family members and covered up to keep them from leading those poor men astray.

How about using our brains instead of our ovaries and hormones to think?

I could never be the woman that makes another woman uncomfortable within her marriage. Even with the best of intentions I wouldn't do this, just in case the mans partner wouldn't like it. She must know that some women wouldn't like it so why do it.

Yabu.

I understand the impulse and the feelings behind it, I really do. It's something I've faced myself. But, yes, it would be hugely unreasonable to dictate who he is friends with. It's fine to share how you feel and he could take steps of his own volition to try and help you feel comfortable. But you can't ban him from being friends with her.

Feelings can be reasonable and understandable, and still not be appropriate to ACT on, especially when doing so is to curtail someone else's freedom and choices.

I'm guessing she finally wants to tell him about their son, or maybe the 30 years of passion they missed.

Or maybe just a coffee and see what they've been up to.

I think there is a difference with an ex you've always been friends with, particularly if it predates the new relationship and a 'new on the scene' ex. The latter is much more of a risk to a relationship.

I'm happily married. There are exes who if I randomly bumped into I would love to catch up with over coffee, but I wouldn't seek them out or want to be friends.

I've got close male friends. My criteria is neither of us have ever wanted to sleep with the other.

Ignore the posters on here accusing you on here of being insecure and controlling OP. My DH has a female friend who he has worked with for many years, and obviously I’m comfortable with this. But if she was someone he had had a romantic connection with, whether 2 years ago or 30 years ago, it would still make me feel uncomfortable. Just attend the coffee with them and you will be able to tell if she has an agenda. I hear of many women holding a candle for their first loves, many years later.

@Livelovebehappy

Ignore the posters on here accusing you on here of being insecure and controlling OP. My DH has a female friend who he has worked with for many years, and obviously I’m comfortable with this. But if she was someone he had had a romantic connection with, whether 2 years ago or 30 years ago, it would still make me feel uncomfortable. Just attend the coffee with them and you will be able to tell if she has an agenda. I hear of many women holding a candle for their first loves, many years later.

Exactly what I think - and said earlier in the thread. And I just flat out do not believe any woman who says she wouldn't give a shit about it, and would not be even slightly worried. Of course they would!

And whilst you say you have a happy marriage, and he has integrity, this doesn’t mean his head can’t be turned. Many men in what their wife’s perceive as happy marriages stray. My DH was a man of integrity and a loving husband and father, who had a personality change overnight when he had a chance meeting with an old female friend. It ended our marriage, although we did get back together a few years later.

My opinion is that it is great that he has suggested she meet both of you. I would invite her into your home and meet her as a couple. Maybe you will really get along with her and you can all stay in touch. But gauge how they both are around each other and see what your instincts are telling you. Am pretty sure the attraction will be long gone as you sound like you have a good relationship. If it makes you feel any better, every ex I have met in later life has been No way near as attractive as I remembered them!

@Ibizafun

I disagree with all those saying it’s not my business though.. we’re married and are meant to respect each other’s feelings surely? Even if one might be a bit neurotic?

Yet you don't respect your husband enough to trust his word?

Never bodes well to carry the emotional hurt from a previous relationship into a new one. Your husband doesn't deserve to be punished for your insecurity

In the real world I don't know one single woman who would be happy with this.

In the real world I don't know any tax collectors. I don't doubt their existence though.

Don't let strangers on a forum tell you how you are supposed to feel about this.

The OP asked strangers on the internet for an opinion on this. It's kind of the point of the thread. The OP doesn't have to listen, but then she might want to think about why that is.

I don’t know a single woman in real life who would be comfortable with this. Same goes for the men. Your friends are correct.
Affairs always start as ‘we are just friends’ then move onto the next level.

Your feelings are totally valid OP. Ignore all of the posters saying you’re controlling etc…

It wasn’t just a friendship, it was a sexual relationship, at some point and people get bored, which is why affairs start. They often start because an opportunity arises. This could be that opportunity.

Obviously it may not be at all. She may not have any desire to start up anything with him but you’re right to be cautious.

The term ‘The other woman’, hasn’t made its way in to the English language by chance, it’s because it’s men that usually have affairs!!! How often do you hear the term ‘5the other man’.

Ignore those that are stonewalling you and saying you’re controlling. You’re right to feel as you do and you should be able to speak to him about it. In my friendship group this wouldn’t happen because my friends would find it disrespectful.

@Amberheartkitty

I don’t know a single woman in real life who would be comfortable with this. Same goes for the men. Your friends are correct. Affairs always start as ‘we are just friends’ then move onto the next level.

Same here! It’s only on MN everyone is super cool with everything. Meanwhile in the real world their DH is off shagging the next door neighbour!

Ypu won’t want to hear this, but my DH had an affair with his ex from his teenage years.
A heady mix of nostalgia, reawakened teenage lust brain memory and opportunity (when he bumped into her after over 20 years) and my loyal, trustworthy, principled husband sleepwalked a physical affair with her. Nearly destroyed me.
One of my best friends’ DH did exactly the same thing with his equivalent ex who messaged him innocently on facebook.

My advice to you would be to be alert, ans if he wants to meet with her, meet as a group.

I’m a rl cool wife and I was fine with it. He discussed it with me and I didn’t see the problem. Our relationship was and still is in a good place, but it was the gradual change in behaviour that triggered my gut feeling. That and seeing a message on his phone (charges it on a stand in the kitchen so in plain view) by chance.
Weirdly I still trust him but just not with this “perfect” ex.
It’s not something I’d like to go through again.

Your friends are correct.

Really? The friends are correct that single women are dangerous?

Affairs are down to dangerous single women, not the men shagging them?

And again, whose fault is when both people having an affair are in a relationship and there's no single woman to blame?

Emotional affair territory for sure. Make your boundaries clear, and make sure you have your ducks in a row.

Please you sound so insecure

He is entitled to be friends with whoever he wishes stop being so controlling

difficult one. One of my late husband's previous girlfriends was my sister. And no it wasn't a problem.