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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dh’s girlfriend from past

261 replies

Ibizafun · 11/09/2021 17:46

Dh and I are in our 50’s, happily married (2nd marriage). He’s kept in touch with a girl he dated for 3 yrs when he was 17-20 just sending birthday texts. Apparently they were friends for some time after the relationship.

Dh showed me a message from her saying she’s now working near our area and does he fancy a cup of coffee one day. I think she is now single. Dh says he’s curious as to how her life turned out and why don’t we ask her here.

He has integrity and I’m not worried about cheating but he does think it’s ok to be friends with her. I guess I’m worried if there’s still a spark, do I need those feelings stirred up in him? Am I being unreasonable to say one coffee to catch up but no friendship.

Have asked my friends but would love it confirmed here!

OP posts:
Chaotica · 11/09/2021 18:52

I think you're being controlling and unreasonable. If a spouse said I couldn't meet up with an old boyfriend and be friends, I'd be seriously considering whether I wanted to be with them because they obviously don't trust me. I'd be quite happy for them to come along and meet the ex though.

FWIW I'm friends with the man I dated for years as a teenager, and am now friends with his wife. (Same for other exes.) We've had up to 12 years between meetings. We split up for a good reasons and have no intention of getting back together.

The comment about single women is really very insulting and thoroughly sexist.

LadyTiredWinterBottom2 · 11/09/2021 18:55

I don't understand why he is curious about how her life turned out to be honest. They are acquaintances at best. How will he extract himself from it becoming a regular thing?

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 11/09/2021 18:56

If he's one in a million and you have a lovely life, he wont have any interest in cheating on you. Nothing can happen that he doesn't want to happen. She is absolutely no threat to your relationship.

DumplingsAndStew · 11/09/2021 18:57

YABVU.

You don't even know that she's single!

This'll be why long term male friends disappear from my FB pages, but still speak when we bump into each other. I'm a happily single woman, not some sort of fucking predator.

ponyexpress22 · 11/09/2021 18:57

You both have a very happy life together. So why let this old girlfriend upset the applecart. No need at all to have her come round. Let her stay where she is.....and I'd be highly suspicious of her wanting to meet up now she's single.

Chikapu · 11/09/2021 18:58

Aww, all these poor menz who can't say no because their widdle egos are flattered by some female attention. Aww, bless them, best to keep them away from those nasty, predatory, single, women.

MyPatronusIsACat · 11/09/2021 18:59

@Ibizafun Wrong place to ask something like this. You get all the cool wives on here who will tell you you are horribly insecure and childish, and being silly, and THEY would have no issue with it whatsoever.

In the REAL world however, the vast majority of women would not be happy with this, and it's understandable for them to be worried. They should be too. It's pretty common for old flames to hook up again, and take off where they left off.

I would be telling him you are unhappy with this. Why he needs - and wants to see her again is baffling. Who the F wants to re-engage with an ex from 30 years ago? Confused Very weird, and worrying, and horribly disrespectful to you - his wife.

Nip it in the bud now, and tell him you're not happy with it. If he loves you and cares for you, he will not see her, and will give her a wide berth, and not see her. If he moans about it, and is pissed off with you seeing her, then you need to worry.

It's already pretty odd that he wants to meet up with her. If he's curious about what's going on with her life, he can look at her facebook for 5 minutes and find out!

ponyexpress22 · 11/09/2021 18:59

I'm a happily single woman, not some sort of fucking predator.

That's you.....but that doesn't mean this woman isn't.

Hekatestorch · 11/09/2021 18:59

And there also could be a woman, unhappy being on her own, no luck in the dating world, and fancies making a play where she knows she's been successful before.

Ah so make sure everyone keeps their desk away from any single women.....just incase they are so desperate to not be single they will take up with a married man they haven't seen from 30 years ago. There's nothing to suggest this woman would be vaguely interested in him, romantically or sexually, anymore.

Ots just as likely the dh fancies a threesome and is inviting her over to try his luck. Or its him pursuing something.

And again, how do you explain men having affairs with married women?

If affairs are down to predatory single women who roam past relationships, trying their luck, out of desperation, how do you explain women in relationships sleeping with men in relationships.

And why do you feel men are victims? If a man has an affair, he is responsible. If he can't help but cheat because a woman has flattered him, he has likely cheated before or would do anyway.

Tresal · 11/09/2021 19:00

How good is he at sending birthday messages generally? Does he send them to all his friends and family? If so, it wouldn’t bother me. If he is the kind to forget about birthdays then I would be a bit worried.

Hekatestorch · 11/09/2021 19:00

@ponyexpress22

I'm a happily single woman, not some sort of fucking predator.

That's you.....but that doesn't mean this woman isn't.

What makes its very likely she is?
BertramLacey · 11/09/2021 19:01

I think I do have a right to decide who he’s friends with when it comes to single women he’s dated! Especially as he asked me how I felt.

No, you really don't have a right to decide who he's friends with. You can tell him it makes you uncomfortable. You can tell him you're suspicious of her. You can even, if he acts in a way you really don't like, end your relationship with him. What you cannot do is dictate who he is friends with.

As someone who was single for many, many years, I was often treated as if I was dangerous. One of the many irritating things about this was that the men other women thought I would steal were really not a prize worth having. And women in couples often have affairs, so having a partner is no guarantee that someone won't be on the look out. It's a ridiculous and nasty view of women that when single they are desperate and only after your man.

I now have a partner. He's good friends with one of his exes and has many female friends, some single, some with partners. It's a part of who he is and I respect him for it.

ponyexpress22 · 11/09/2021 19:01

In the real world I don't know one single woman who would be happy with this.

suredsun · 11/09/2021 19:02

This would not bother me at all.

  1. I am in touch with lots of "boys" from that kind of age, from school or soon after, 30 years ago. Most were just friends but some I had a romantic interest in. Most of the time when I see them I only think how bloody glad I am that I ended up with DH!

  2. you don't even know for sure she's single!

  3. I'd be uncomfortable with him seeing her alone, but if he invited you along then that's fine I suppose - how bloody boring for you and for them; when they want to talk about their school days and people you don't know!

MyPatronusIsACat · 11/09/2021 19:02

If he moans about it, and is pissed off with you complaining about him seeing her, then you need to worry.

(Get an edit button MN please!

barskits · 11/09/2021 19:03

@SheABitSpicyToday

Seriously? After 30 years. That’s very insecure of you.
After 30 years, I too would be suspicious of the motives of a newly-single woman contacting a married man and asking him if he fancies a coffee.
Evesgarden · 11/09/2021 19:05

Ah OP not my cup of tea this.

This actually happened to my dad. His long long ago ex was visiting from Canada and went to my DGM looking for him - just to catch up. My DGM gave him his home address and when I got home from school him, the ex and my step mother were sat in the living room having the worst awkward 'chat'

I still say happy birthday to some one I had a fling with years ago, he was a lovely guy but he has just got married and had a baby and they are best left be. I dont know why people do this.

I can get sending a 'hey how's things email' but to want to push it to a meet up then your DH wanting you to join them is just weird.

Highfivemum · 11/09/2021 19:06

I am fortunate that my DH and I met are school so no ex around however I know from a friend at school that she hooked up with her “first love “ so to speak after meeting up with him with her husband for a drink after 28 years. !! She was in a lovely marriage and opening said there were no issues but seeing her first love she thought she was 19 again and she moved out to be with him. 3 years later she has lost everything and living by herself. I would not personally entertain a previous girlfriend friendship. Just me personally.

FlumpsAreShit · 11/09/2021 19:06

Well if he's never cheated and never will and has made marriage vows with you what's the problem?!

You might absolutely adore her and spark a great new friendship! I think him in inviting her over to meet both of you is great and, if she was feeling out whether there may be a spark, is a clear message.

Lucythewonderdog · 11/09/2021 19:06

@Angrymum22

This happened with my DH last year. Ended up verging on an emotional affair. If your marriage is good then I would tell him that you don’t feel comfortable with it. Our relationship weathered the storm and we are back on track. Maybe it was because there were no problems at the time. Like your DH, my DH was curious, it nearly ended up with him loosing everything.
I’m sorry to hear that. I was in the role of your husband but luckily I sorted myself out in time. Covid Cabin Fever had a lot to answer for.
Evesgarden · 11/09/2021 19:07

@ponyexpress22

In the real world I don't know one single woman who would be happy with this.
Nope neither do I but MN is a very odd place
JBEM4 · 11/09/2021 19:07

He's not with her. They split up. People xan like and respect each other while not being romantically compatible.

YANBU to express that you feel threatened and insecure but my advice is to work on yourself, self love and self worth.

QueenBee52 · 11/09/2021 19:08

@Ibizafun

Don't let strangers on a forum tell you how you are supposed to feel about this..

If you feel uncomfortable then say so..

This is your marriage... its nobody else's business 🌸

GoingOutOutNEVER · 11/09/2021 19:12

Would like to be told who you can be friends with, who you can see for a coffee? For me I always think if they’re going to cheat then they will and for me that’ll be the end of our relationship and I’d skip along in life knowing they weren’t the one for me.

MyPatronusIsACat · 11/09/2021 19:13

@SheABitSpicyToday

Seriously? After 30 years. That’s very insecure of you.

@barskits

After 30 years, I too would be suspicious of the motives of a newly-single woman contacting a married man and asking him if he fancies a coffee.

Yep this ^ It's very suspicious, and very worrying that the OP's husband wants to meet her 'to find out how her life turned out...' Hmm yeah right. Wink

I am stunned that the YABU figure is so high. Like hell would the vast majority of women be OK with this. Come ON!!! Hmm

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