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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want to give colleague a lift?

225 replies

Thecoolgirlsatschool · 10/09/2021 15:16

I have a non driving colleague, and to get to work it involves a complex journey with multiple bus changes. So to get to work on time she’s been getting a taxi, which is expensive.

So I’ve been giving her a lift. But the problem is I’m a bit worried it’s starting to become an expected norm (WhatsApp messages asking what time I’ll be there) rather than a favour.

I’m wondering whether to just knock them on the head or if that’s a bit churlish.

It isn’t miles out of my way but it is out of my way and it is stressful enough getting myself out on time!

OP posts:

JellyRobin · 11/09/2021 06:27

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

PearlyRising · 11/09/2021 06:36

I am a people pleaser yes but i wasnt thinking about putting the new colleague "first".
I was thinking about what would feel least awkward for me in this situation.

I recognise that other more assertive people might handle it better!!

Nothing to so with the new colleague but sometimes when i have said no to somebody it has kicked off a big storm. They gave me the silent treatment, or cast me in the role of their enemy! And none of the bystanders stood up I can tell you.

Overthehillandfartaway · 11/09/2021 06:59

@sloutside

How did it go from being a one off, or a couple of times to it being every day? You do need to knock it on the head. It isn't working for you. It's out of your way. It's adding extra time to your commute and is stressful. Just tell her from next week (or whatever date you choose) you won't be able to offer her a lift anymore as it doesn't work for you and you're letting her know so that she can make alternative arrangements.

I was a non-driver until my late 30s when I moved to another country and it was impossible to get anywhere on public transport.
When I was in the UK I never took a job which I couldn't get to on public transport. I checked out bus and train routes before even applying. There seem to be too many CFs around judging by these Mumsnet posts who seem to take any job without really thinking through the logistics and just hoping they can scrounge lifts off other people.
She probably thought everything would be fine - she'd get a taxi for a couple of weeks until she got to know her colleagues and then she'd get a lift.

It must be an absolute pain having to pick someone up everyday and then take them home, meaning you can't plan something else after work. I used to work with someone who lived round the corner from me and it never even crossed my mind to ask for a lift every day. In fact I never asked her - she offered sometimes if we were happening to leave work at the same time and we had a laugh together but I would never have dreamed of imposing on her.

Just tell her no and that's the end of it.

As a non driver, I always decline lifts by saying I quite enjoy public transport , which is true..I like having time where you can only read or listen to podcasts etc.

People hanging around for lifts make me cringe.

UseOfWeapons · 11/09/2021 07:14

I don’t have a car, and agree with other posters, that I never ask for a lift to anywhere for anything. I’d think that was rude, and putting the other person in a difficult situation to say no.
I live close to work, and walk or cycle in all weathers. When I work further afield, I go by public transport. I do struggle sometimes with shopping for bigger items, and everything takes longer, but that’s MY problem, my choice, and not someone else’s problem.
YANBU to withdraw the offer of a lift.

Snog · 11/09/2021 08:08

Getting your colleague to work is not your responsibility.

If you don't want to give her a lift that's absolutely fine. You don't need to give her a reason, it doesn't work for me is fine. Or be honest and say the alone time is good for your mental health.

TempleofZoom · 11/09/2021 08:40

@PearlyRising

I am a people pleaser yes but i wasnt thinking about putting the new colleague "first". I was thinking about what would feel least awkward for me in this situation.

I recognise that other more assertive people might handle it better!!

What they are doing is trying to bully and manipulate you into getting their own way. Let them strop/ glare at you, they show themselves up. Why would other people get involved?

Decide what you want to do and stick by it. You cant control other peoples behaviour so dont even try to. Its called having boundaries

Imnothereforthedrama · 11/09/2021 08:52

I absolutely don’t mind giving someone a lift as a favour or if it was on my way . I wouldn’t do it if it was expected or if it was out of my way . My dh gives someone a lift this person pays him, dh doesn’t mind.
It’s clear you do mind op so you have no option but to say no it was a favour and you just don’t want to do it.

fruitbrewhaha · 11/09/2021 12:48

Liftzilla was a troll!? I must have missed that bit. Ah well it was a good story! OK so maybe it won't turn into a major drama involving HR.

It makes total sense to have some kind of car pool thing set up for groups of people but it rarely works if it's all on one person doing the driving and one person being a bit useless and unable to get themselves to work. Ultimately the driving person will feel taken advantage of, and running a car has costs involved and these passengers rarely seem to acknowledge that.

OP if you don't want to have to leave at a set time each morning then having to collect someone removes your flexibility. Just say that.

gunnersgold · 11/09/2021 13:02

If you are going to do it she needs to pay petrol ! Just speak to her and say you either don't want to do it or she pays so it's a proper arrangement . She is saving herself at least a tenner a day which is nigh on £2k a year . Why should you bankroll that??

Rhinothunder · 11/09/2021 13:05

Knock it on the head

2Rebecca · 11/09/2021 13:08

I would stop doing it. What people on mumsnet think doesn't matter though. Lifts as a 1 off if someone's car has broken down or needs a service are 1 thing. Lifts to someone who has chosen a place of employment that is difficult to get to where the problem will persist is another. Best not to start in the latter situation

cleanasawhistle · 11/09/2021 16:38

I would never get myself into this situation again after being on the recieving end of a CF.
At college....CF oh you live in same area as me,any chance of a lift.
I said yes but if you are not at pick up place I wont be waiting.
Picked up a few times.Any chance my friend can have a lift too,ok.

Stood in college one day CF shouts across room,Lucy wants a lift home tonight (another friend of hers on our course)she has to be at her grans for 6pm.
I didnt answer,did that thing where I turned around to see if she was talking to someone behind me.
So end of day I went for a cuppa,toilet etc took my time. Get to my car and the three of them are standing waiting for me.They moaned cos they had just lit a cig and had to put them out again.
Drove them all to local area.They carried on chatting in my car and never spoke to me once. There was no thank you or offer of money.

When orginal one went to get out she said see you tomorrow but pick me up from my house because its going to be raining.
I said no this was your last lift,you wont be happy till you have filled my car with your friends,wheres the thank yous and petrol money .

I drove off and kept her at arms length after that

Suetully · 11/09/2021 19:52

I gave a close friend a lift to work and it was out of my way and truth to be told you do end up resenting it as it added about 20 mins on to my trip each day.

Suetully · 11/09/2021 20:32

*I dont understand people who take jobs miles away and dont drive.
If they accept a job surely its down to them to get there.What if no one in the job lived near them.What would they do then.?

I think as an adult you should have the ability to get yourself there and back.
Its no one elses business*

Same reason people go to bars or out for dinner when they can't afford it- generally live not within their means. It's because they are cfs who know somebody else will pick up the tab.

Beautiful3 · 12/09/2021 12:31

Agree with previous posters. When you apply for a job, you look at transport before accepting the job. Why would it become someone else's problem? Think I'd say, " I'm happy to give a lift in an emergency, but not on a regular basis."

takehomepay · 12/09/2021 15:03

@Suetully

I gave a close friend a lift to work and it was out of my way and truth to be told you do end up resenting it as it added about 20 mins on to my trip each day.

This is the thing, when it becomes an expectation it can cause resentment, even when it’s your close friend or family.

bigbaggyeyes · 14/09/2021 07:34

I got roped into sharing the driving with someone I worked with to save petrol and parking. We both split the driving but even then it was a pain in the arse. Once that stopped I said to myself 'never again'. I like my commute because it gives me time to myself to wind down (or up)

Drinkingallthewine · 14/09/2021 11:17

I used to work with a CF like this. She lived almost 30 miles away, but there's a direct bus. But she got into a habit of expecting lifts from colleagues who lived near her or passed by that way.

My route was totally different but one morning she basically invited herself along in my car as she'd heard me tell a colleague I was visiting my mum which was on the way past her road.

The problem was that she was very very senior and I was junior staff so I felt I couldn't say no to her career-wise. She was also quite a bit of a bully and very sneaky so not one you'd want to get on the wrong side of.

So instead, I invented a few on-the-way errands to drag it out. I went to the bakery for my DM's favourite cake, pick up her dry cleaning, and get her essential groceries plus detour home to get my own bag packed so by the time I did get CF home, it was about 2.5 hours past the time her bus would normally have dropped her off. She was raging but couldn't say anything because I was terribly apologetic about all these errands I always have to do for DM when I go that way.

So that was the only time in 13 years she ever demanded a lift from me.

LookItsMeAgain · 14/09/2021 15:05

That was genius @Drinkingallthewine! Did she not, at any point in the journey, say "Oh, I'll hop out here and get the bus, thanks for the lift so far" at all????

cstaff · 14/09/2021 15:27

@Drinkingallthewine
That is class, not confrontational but clearly got your message across and not a thing she could say about it as she got herself into the situation to begin with.

Drinkingallthewine · 14/09/2021 15:53

@LookItsMeAgain

That was genius *@Drinkingallthewine*! Did she not, at any point in the journey, say "Oh, I'll hop out here and get the bus, thanks for the lift so far" at all????

No, she couldn't!

It's a rural road and not a great public transport here in Ireland so her bus was the last one of the evening going anywhere near her house.

Add into that, she had no idea I'd all these errands until she sat into my car which was deliberate on my part, and by the time we did sit in the car, even if she changed her mind, she wouldn't have made it to her bus stop on time as she normally left work 30 mins before my shift was over to walk to the bus. So it was long gone by the time she realised and I was her only way home unless she wanted to get a taxi which would cost her a fortune living so far away, and I was going that road anyway...and each stop was only a quick errand after all.

I also deliberately took very congested routes when normally I (and other colleagues she preys upon for lifts) use the back roads that have little or no traffic.

The ironic thing is, that if she had approached it as a request rather than flexing her seniority and demanding it, I'd have been happy to drop her right to her door in a prompt manner, because I would never see anybody stuck, but it was just the cheekiness of her that was her own undoing.

Trappedinflatandskint · 14/09/2021 16:00

Text her one evening saying 'i won't be able to give you regular lifts anymore, sorry. I've got so much on in the mornings I need to be flexible for me and my family'.

LookItsMeAgain · 14/09/2021 17:24

I doff my cap to you @Drinkingallthewine! I know the type of road you're talking about (fellow Irish here).
Such sweet victory for you!!!

Beautiful3 · 15/09/2021 10:51

@Drinkingallthewine you are a genius!

Anystarinthesky · 15/09/2021 20:56

@ Drinkingallthewine

That's the best thing I've read in ages! Hilarious!

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