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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to give colleague a lift?

225 replies

Thecoolgirlsatschool · 10/09/2021 15:16

I have a non driving colleague, and to get to work it involves a complex journey with multiple bus changes. So to get to work on time she’s been getting a taxi, which is expensive.

So I’ve been giving her a lift. But the problem is I’m a bit worried it’s starting to become an expected norm (WhatsApp messages asking what time I’ll be there) rather than a favour.

I’m wondering whether to just knock them on the head or if that’s a bit churlish.

It isn’t miles out of my way but it is out of my way and it is stressful enough getting myself out on time!

OP posts:
Ninkanink · 10/09/2021 17:06

Just say you can’t do it anymore.

I totally understand, I wouldn’t want that pressure and stress. I like calm, I like routine, and I like time on my own on my way to work to get in the zone.

You aren’t at all out of order and you really don’t need to justify it to anyone.

Suggested msg by pp is fine, except I’d take out ‘for the foreseeable’ as that’s just not true. You won’t be able to offer lifts at all and it’s best just to be honest and make that clear.

Original poster
Thecoolgirlsatschool · 10/09/2021 17:07

And I am wary as I’ve been stung before like this. What seems simple (pick her up at a prearranged place and time) isn’t.

OP posts:
Marni83 · 10/09/2021 17:08

@Thecoolgirlsatschool

And I am wary as I’ve been stung before like this. What seems simple (pick her up at a prearranged place and time) isn’t.
I’d give it a week If she let me down Then I’d say - not working
Ninkanink · 10/09/2021 17:08

You’re worrying because you feel obligated to be nice/polite/considerate. Stop feeling obligated.

It doesn’t suit you, you know it’s going to stress you out. That’s okay.

Chloemol · 10/09/2021 17:09

Could she get a bus to somewhere on your route and you pick up and drop of there, and agree a cost towards petrol

Ninkanink · 10/09/2021 17:10

No. Don’t give it a week. You already know that you don’t want the commitment. So giving it a week is just going to make it more awkward to get out of it later.

Ninkanink · 10/09/2021 17:10

@Chloemol

Could she get a bus to somewhere on your route and you pick up and drop of there, and agree a cost towards petrol
It doesn’t fix the issue. Meeting up en route is still going to present all the issues that OP needs to avoid.
Twitchynose · 10/09/2021 17:11

I started a new job and my line manager was unable to drive for at least a year due to a health condition. Staff had to drive her to meetings etc, which was fine. The team had to go to a training course and I was told to pick her up and take her to and from the training with me. This was quite a big detour (think getting on the motorway a junction earlier than you would get on) from the temporary accommodation I was staying in.
I was looking for a house to buy and there was a really nice one that was about a 10 minute drive on from where she lived. I actually didn’t buy the house (and bought one in the totally opposite direction!), because I got the vibe that I would end up having to give her lifts. I feel slightly guilty, but like you find having to potentially wait for someone at either end of the day stressful when you just want to shut off and have time to yourself to either come round in the morning or wind down at the end of the day!

MagnoliaBeige · 10/09/2021 17:12

You’re perfectly entitled not to do it just because you don’t want to, I wouldn’t bother trying to work out a fair compromise as some are suggesting, you’ve absolutely no need to compromise when it’s your car, petrol and time that are being used!

Send her a message tonight to say “just letting you know I’m not going to be able to give you lifts any more as my morning routine has changed”, you’ll feel better by taking the initiative rather than waiting til she contacts you again.

maddy68 · 10/09/2021 17:16

I don't get the issue? Why would you want them to have a complicated drive in? Tell them if they want a lift to me at your house at X time. And you're sorry but it can't be a door to door service as the traffic is bad and it's stressing you out and adding time to your journey.

I would also split the cost of the journey

simitra · 10/09/2021 17:16

My sister used to give two colleagues a lift to work and home but they gave her the equivalent of the bus fares to cover the extra petrol and time involved so she made a small profit. I dont think there is anything wrong with a business like arrangement where everyone gets something out of it.

Your friend should have offered to contribute to expenses if she wanted a regular lift. I would.

SheldonesqueTheBstard · 10/09/2021 17:16

I have a colleague who does not like a shared commute. That is her down time.

So much so, when we all went on a course, she travelled separately - even though we were on the same train.

The other 10 of us travelled together and thought nothing of it. Mainly because she made it very clear from the start how it would be.

As for you OP, I couldn’t be done with the faff of waiting for someone or adding more time to my journey. I’d be terrified of sleeping in, running late or getting caught up in a traffic snarl .

Bad enough Being late if it is just you. But being responsible for someone else too?

No ta.

Suzi888 · 10/09/2021 17:17

I’d pick someone up if I passed them, would never go out of my way on a regular basis and having to read/send messages, hang around etc. Just no! I wouldn’t expect someone to do it for me either.

Shedbuilder · 10/09/2021 17:18

I'd give her notice by saying that you can only give her a lift on Monday and Tuesday next week so she's going to have to make provision for the other days. Then wean her slowly down, or find a balance you're comfortable in and feel in charge of.

She's been foolish to take job she can't easily get to, but then we all know how desperate people are for work and how much pressure there is to accept job offers.

You're clearly a considerate sort of person because you offered her a lift in the first place. Sounds as if she hasn't had the social grace or sensitivity to make you feel it's all worth it. I'd say it's okay to continue to show her some consideration and support when it suits you, and if you can do it once or twice a week then keep doing it — but stay in command. You name the days.

I don't know what it is about so many non-drivers who seem to think it's okay to accept and then expect lifts. People are doing you a massive favour that costs them time and money. Don't ever take them for granted.

EmpressWitchDoesntBurn · 10/09/2021 17:21

@KaycePollard

I'm a non-driver, and I always ensure I can be completely responsible for getting myself where I need to go. I try to live near my workplace, or within decent public transport.

You are fine to say 'No' or that it isn't convenient.

This. I decided very early on that I didn’t ever want to drive, so I’ve only ever lived & worked in places where I don’t have to.
CuriousaboutSamphire · 10/09/2021 17:23

@Thecoolgirlsatschool

I haven’t not said no. I’m asking really about whether I’m being churlish to never give a lift so that a lift isn’t always expected.

It’s hard because sometimes the honest answer is I just want to go home without faffing.

I do feel a bit sorry for her though. It is hard starting a new job.

Wait. Back up.

You are not being churlish. You ofered and it is becoming expected. That isn't what you offered.

You don't need a reason. Just not wanting to is fine. You are not put on this planet to be someone elses service human

She started a job knowing the transport issues. Unless she always intended to cast around for the lily livered people pleaser to give her a lift forever, she knew she would have to make that journey on the buses.

Say no. As of XX date you will no longer be able to give her a lift. No explanation, no waffle, especially no "sorry but..." just no!

PearlyRising · 10/09/2021 17:23

Id so it but then i am a bit of a people pleaser.
If you feel you are being taken for granted tell her the get to your house by xxxxxx

In her shoes id prefer that to a bus change

takehomepay · 10/09/2021 17:24

People pleasing is not a good thing. At all.

Drinkingallthewine · 10/09/2021 17:25

Such a pity you can't do lifts any more now your Dear Aunt has had a turn and you need to pop in to her after work in the opposite direction to see to her.
And occasionally stay the night, just in case....

PearlyRising · 10/09/2021 17:27

I know. But if you like somebody it's not done just to please. Im not as bad as i used tp be. But i would feel bad saying no just so that i could congratulate myself on having said no iyswim

Cryalot2 · 10/09/2021 17:29

Looks as if she thought you were offering all the time and didn't realise otherwise.
You just need to be up front and tell her it doesn't suit any more. It looks like a misunderstanding. She is a non driver and maybe didn't realise it was a once off. If it was me I would be mortified and change jobs. I am s non driver and try to be as independent as possible.

user1471442488 · 10/09/2021 17:32

@maddy68

I don't get the issue? Why would you want them to have a complicated drive in? Tell them if they want a lift to me at your house at X time. And you're sorry but it can't be a door to door service as the traffic is bad and it's stressing you out and adding time to your journey.

I would also split the cost of the journey

The issue is that she doesn’t want to, and she’s perfectly entitled to feel that way. Fucking hell…
ifIwerenotanandroid · 10/09/2021 17:32

I had this with a colleague who lived near me & didn't drive. Although we left at the same time & I didn't have to go out of my way, it became a chore as I couldn't be flexible & go somewhere else after work - I just didn't feel free. She didn't pay me anything, either. The final straw came when she said to someone at work that my (brand new) car made her back ache. Hah! I wish I'd said what I thought, "Well, maybe you'll be more comfortable on the bus, then!".

QueenBee52 · 10/09/2021 17:34

Don't compromise or offer a pick up point 🙄 thats a committement and thats a No No..

Just say this is not working for you.. the end 🌸

neveradullmoment99 · 10/09/2021 17:35

Just say that you have to work late a few times or that you aren't going straight home so she will have to make her own way. Then gradually just leave work without offering.