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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to give colleague a lift?

225 replies

Thecoolgirlsatschool · 10/09/2021 15:16

I have a non driving colleague, and to get to work it involves a complex journey with multiple bus changes. So to get to work on time she’s been getting a taxi, which is expensive.

So I’ve been giving her a lift. But the problem is I’m a bit worried it’s starting to become an expected norm (WhatsApp messages asking what time I’ll be there) rather than a favour.

I’m wondering whether to just knock them on the head or if that’s a bit churlish.

It isn’t miles out of my way but it is out of my way and it is stressful enough getting myself out on time!

OP posts:
greenlynx · 10/09/2021 21:42

I don’t understand why people are posting where to pick her up or whatever. Have I understood correctly that you don’t want a commitment but could give her a lift very occasionally when it suits you?
If so, I think you can see yourself that everyone’s understanding of occasionally is different. So I would advise not to offer her lifts at all unless in the extreme circumstances like thunderstorm and heavy rain and you are passing her in a bus stop.

AYBU for not wanting give her lifts? Not at all, it’s her problem, she knew that she would need to get to work somehow when applied for this job, she should take it into account.

You might ask for an advice how to answer her specific messages but it’s a separate issue.

LimitIsUp · 10/09/2021 22:04

I'd continue to give her a lift because it's a minor, minor inconvenience for you but a major PITA for her to get to work by public transport - why not be generous? The world would be a better place if everyone was a bit more giving. She shouldn't be taking it for granted though - ask her for a contribution to petrol money

LimitIsUp · 10/09/2021 22:07

@Thecoolgirlsatschool

It’s maybe 5-10 mins extra, depending on traffic.
Wow
Dontjumptoconclusions · 10/09/2021 22:20

OP, I think you have plenty of posts here giving good suggestions. The problem is, you don't want your colleague to "expect" a lift and rather be grateful and appreciative of it. Whilst I 100% agree with you, this is something that only your colleague has control over. There are some people that wouldn't dream of asking for lifts even if that person is going the same way, some that would offer petrol money, some that wouldn't offer anything, some that would expect it, etc etc.

I think this just needs a nip and an airy "oh not providing any lifts this week/month/period of time, sorry!" Rinse and repeat when necessary in response to her saying when she's ready for her lift. Just so you keep her on her toes I guess for when you're available or unavailable to provide lifts.

No good deed goes unpunished.

LimitIsUp · 10/09/2021 22:26

Why are people reacting as if the OP is being asked to donate one of her kidneys? It's a lift 5 minutes out of her way.

caringcarer · 10/09/2021 22:30

I would just say you like your driving to work time alone as me time but as another poster said I would also offer to drive her if as now or bad rain.

StartingGrid · 10/09/2021 22:34

@Dontjumptoconclusions

OP, I think you have plenty of posts here giving good suggestions. The problem is, you don't want your colleague to "expect" a lift and rather be grateful and appreciative of it. Whilst I 100% agree with you, this is something that only your colleague has control over. There are some people that wouldn't dream of asking for lifts even if that person is going the same way, some that would offer petrol money, some that wouldn't offer anything, some that would expect it, etc etc.

I think this just needs a nip and an airy "oh not providing any lifts this week/month/period of time, sorry!" Rinse and repeat when necessary in response to her saying when she's ready for her lift. Just so you keep her on her toes I guess for when you're available or unavailable to provide lifts.

No good deed goes unpunished.

I agree, to be honest I'm wondering why we're 8 pages in to a thread where it doesn't actually seem the colleague even is for sure a lift expectant CF, just that they possibly may be one day. OP you've not elaborated on any conversations, or answered most of the questions, just talking hypothetically it seems?
billy1966 · 10/09/2021 22:39

It is perfectly reasonable not to wantbthe responsibility of getting someone else to work.

End of.
@MintyGreenDream gave you a perfect text

Do not start something you don't wish to finish.

I once gave two people a lift home for a few weeks but they sat atvthe back and chatted while i enjoyed the radio.

I would haved hated it fulltime.

TractorAndHeadphones · 10/09/2021 22:41

@LimitIsUp

Why are people reacting as if the OP is being asked to donate one of her kidneys? It's a lift 5 minutes out of her way.
Why are you so dramatic? It’s Friday night, have some more wine.
LimitIsUp · 10/09/2021 22:44

'End of'?
Hmm

LimitIsUp · 10/09/2021 22:46

How is that drammatic? People are weird (yes, I mean you)

altiara · 10/09/2021 22:48

So AIBU to never offer lifts. That’s what I’m wondering.

YANBU to offer occasional lifts to a colleague.

YABU to offer lifts (one off/occasional) to a CF as they don’t understand social norms and take the piss and somehow you end up looking like an arsehole for not pandering to their every need.

MagnoliaXYZ · 10/09/2021 22:52

I've been stuck doing this and really grew to resend it. A colleague asked for a lift one Christmas eve as her car had broken down. I knew it would be difficult to get it sorted then so said I would give her a lift Christmas eve and the day we went back after boxing day. It was only 5 minutes out of my way so I didn't really mind. It went on for months. I would regularly ask about the car getting fixed, they couldn't afford it apparently, yet her husband was helping his friend out (for free) in his garage - I suggested her husband might like to ask his mechanic friend to fix the car as payment. She became someone else's problem when I went on annual leave. We don't work in the same department now but a couple of times, when I've bumped into her leaving work (and once when she came to my department at the end of our shifts) she's asked for a lift, of course I had other plans in the opposite direction!

Somethingwicked9 · 10/09/2021 23:05

@Thecoolgirlsatschool I think your were kind to offer her a lift one time but she shouldn’t just except it does she even offer to pay some petrol money ? A lot of the time driving to and from work being alone listening to your music can really make your day so I would explain it was a one time think … not that you should even have too

SaltedCaramelIcedLatte · 10/09/2021 23:16

Giving your colleague a lift is clearly stressing you, so just don't do it! It was nice of you to offer but now you feel obliged, which shouldn't be the case

QueenBee52 · 10/09/2021 23:53

Looks like the 'colleague' has found this Thread judging by some of the recent comments 🤣

StoneofDestiny · 11/09/2021 00:01

I'd not allow myself to be tied down like this. I'd just say you have commitments now, before and after work and can't offer her a lift anymore.
It's a total hassle when people expect you to taxi for them - it stops you being spontaneous about anything

melj1213 · 11/09/2021 00:18

"Hey Colleague, sorry about the misunderstanding this morning but I'd like to use it as a catalyst to clarify the lift situation going forward. I really don't want to commit to regular lifts every day as it is impacting my schedule. From now on I will be happy to offer a lift in inclement weather/emergencies/on an occasional basis if my schedule allows (add/delete reasons as appropriate) but I cannot commit to any regular schedule of lifts."

Currently your colleague doesn't sound like an out and out CF but there is potential for her to become one if you don't nip the lifts in the bud early.

I don't drive as its not cost effective for me (I live in the town centre, round the corner from the major bus terminus etc) to run a car. I can get a bus literally door to do from my flat to the supermarket I work at, however my late shift doesn't finish until 10/10.30pm and the buses stop running at 9.30pm. Its a 25minute walk home or a 5 minute drive. I am more than happy to walk home but one of my supervisors insists on dropping me home if they are on the late shift as they do not like me walking home alone when dropping me off takes them less than 5 minutes out of their way. I felt guilty at first as they refuse point blank to take any petrol money but we finally compromised on me buying them a bottle of their favourite spirit at Christmas and every so often I'll treat them to cake or chocolate at work because they do not want anyone to think I'm a CF taking advantage.

StoneofDestiny · 11/09/2021 00:18

I recall giving a few lifts and ended up I couldn't do after work shopping or visiting pals, before work shopping or any detour to carry out tasks and no after work hair of beauty appointments. Then the 'I'm running late'' kicked in before work and 'I'll be a bit late finishing tonight' etc. Total PITA.

VenusTiger · 11/09/2021 00:39

@Thecoolgirlsatschool

Like I say I don’t think it needs elaborate lies or anything. I think some have misunderstood the thread, tbh.

A couple of times a week I’m fine with giving her a lift. What I’m concerned about is if I end up in an awkward situation where I’m expected to give them all the time, not every so often as a favour.

So AIBU to never offer lifts. That’s what I’m wondering.

Your colleague is not a mind-reader OP - I bet if you said to her, from now on, I will offer the lifts on an ad-hoc basis when it's suitable for me then she'd get the message. But you haven't said anything like this to her, so she is either going to think it was a one-off, or she's going to think it's set in stone (which she now does). It's simple communication OP. Your posts are confusing though - you've stated that you don't want to give her lifts, it's not about the money or where you meet her etc. and then later on say that you don't mind giving her the odd lift, if you're in the mood. How bloody confusing is that!! No wonder so many pps were making suggestions on how to make it easier for you to pick her up.

Just say to her, "how is it going with looking for transport alternatives?" a simple and blunt question.
After she's answered, just tell her that you're not going to offer lifts anymore as you prefer to be alone to and from work.
That way, she'll know it's not her, it's you - it's clear and to the point.

I don't think you can have this both ways OP. Either stop altogether or go along with her routine like a little taxi on call.

TractorAndHeadphones · 11/09/2021 01:00

@VenusTiger it's quite possible to do what the OP suggests on the way home. I take public transport and have a colleague who finishes at variable times, if he's available he texts me, if not I get the train home.I assumed that this is what the OP meant - if she had no plans it would be a nice treat for her colleague to be dropped off.
I however am not a CF and never expect it. We go out regularly and I buy him some drinks to show my appreciation.

If the colleague is a CF then you are right as with these people you can never be too clear and harsh. Give them an inch and they'll take an entire continent Grin

cstaff · 11/09/2021 01:18

I don't drive and walk to work but would never expect regular lifts from colleagues. A few weeks ago as I was leaving work it started to lash rain and at the same time a friend / colleague who lives near me walked out. I asked him if he was going home and he said yeah, fancy a lift. That was a one off because of the rain. I would never presume that it would become a regular thing but it was great for the day that was in it. Your colleague is being a presumptuous CF.

BorderlineHappy · 11/09/2021 01:50

I dont understand people who take jobs miles away and dont drive.
If they accept a job surely its down to them to get there.What if no one in the job lived near them.What would they do then.?

I think as an adult you should have the ability to get yourself there and back.
Its no one elses business

OurMamInHavianas · 11/09/2021 02:13

@LimitIsUp

Why are people reacting as if the OP is being asked to donate one of her kidneys? It's a lift 5 minutes out of her way.
5-10 minutes per journey twice a day, 5 times a week, so more than an hour per week just in extra travelling time.

Plus the time to deal with arrangements.
Plus the time with the person in the car - meaning the OP can’t easily use the time how she would like to e.g. making private calls or shopping en route or having some quiet time.
Plus the likelihood that the person getting a lift will moan any time there’s a change in arrangements.

You are lucky in your life if that extra load wouldn’t be a stress.

So many people pleasers on this thread expecting the OP to put this other person first.

JustKittenAround · 11/09/2021 03:19

I don’t find it confusing at all that she’d be cool to give a ride to her coworker now and then.

It’s the expectation. That’s a huge part of stress. It’s the feeling inside of the unearned obligation.

Anyone who doesn’t understand why it would or even could be an imposition is short sighted. What if your driving coworker used the time to sometimes talk to her therapist in the car… the only time she can be truly and surely alone. Maybe this coworker you’ve decided in your ignorance is one dimensional, likes to listen to motivational books to give her the push to make personal positive life changes?

Fact is, everyone here who is wondering what the problem might be isn’t thinking about the needs of the woman driving the car. They’re too busy thinking of the needs of the one without the car.

OP has her reasons and finds it stressful. That is that.

OP I would be vey awkward as well. But I’d just warn her some family stuff has come up, you won’t get into it. But you can’t give her a ride anymore.