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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to give colleague a lift?

225 replies

Thecoolgirlsatschool · 10/09/2021 15:16

I have a non driving colleague, and to get to work it involves a complex journey with multiple bus changes. So to get to work on time she’s been getting a taxi, which is expensive.

So I’ve been giving her a lift. But the problem is I’m a bit worried it’s starting to become an expected norm (WhatsApp messages asking what time I’ll be there) rather than a favour.

I’m wondering whether to just knock them on the head or if that’s a bit churlish.

It isn’t miles out of my way but it is out of my way and it is stressful enough getting myself out on time!

OP posts:
stripedbananas · 10/09/2021 17:39

Normal people take driving lessons and buy a car which is what she should be doing.

I'd happily be blunt and say you can't do lifts anymore because it doesn't work for you

RandomDent · 10/09/2021 17:42

Tell her if she wants a lift she needs to be at yours. I know it’s hard for her but this should make her realise maybe public transport or taxis aren’t so bad. This shouldn’t put you out. I often give a colleague a lift but she sends me a message and comes to my house if she wants one. I wouldn’t go to her house to get her.

SamMil · 10/09/2021 17:44

Definitely not unreasonable. It's not your job to get your colleagues to work.

QueenBee52 · 10/09/2021 17:46

@RandomDent

Tell her if she wants a lift she needs to be at yours. I know it’s hard for her but this should make her realise maybe public transport or taxis aren’t so bad. This shouldn’t put you out. I often give a colleague a lift but she sends me a message and comes to my house if she wants one. I wouldn’t go to her house to get her.

OP does not want to give anyone a lift...

stripedbananas · 10/09/2021 17:48

Just start leaving a bit earlier and ignore any messages regarding lifts and she'll soon get the message.

If she talks to you about it at work then just say I've got things to do and I can't give you lifts anymore more. If she asks what then just say it's personal.

FrangipaniBlue · 10/09/2021 17:48

I don't understand how this came about either.....

If you don't like giving lifts why on earth did you offer in the first place?

I could understand if there was something that prompted the offer like bad weather/a missed bus or something as other PPs have said, at least then it would make it easier to say "sorry I think there's been a misunderstanding, I can't give you a lift on a regular basis it was just that one time because of X".

But if you randomly just offered to give her a lift one day I can see why she has misunderstood and thought you meant it would be an ongoing arrangement......

stripedbananas · 10/09/2021 17:49

I can't give you lifts any more for personal reasons.

End of

whatthejiggeries · 10/09/2021 17:49

I wouldn't go out of my way. Tell her she needs to meet you somewhere on your route

StripeyDeckchair · 10/09/2021 17:51

A few years ago I got coerced into giving a colleague lifts to/from work after her car had been written off in an accident.
I made it clear that she had to be waiting for me at an agreed point on the route to go in and ready to leave when I was - under no circumstances would I wait around for her.
I also stated that a lift home wouldn't happen evey day because I didn't always go home from work so wouldn't alway sbe able to give her a lift. I also said that this wouldn't be on a set day eg every Tues.
She wasn't impressed with this but agreed to it, in front of several others in the office.

Days 3 5 & 6 I went out after work and left her to make her own way home.
Day 7 she wasn't in the pick up place so I drove on to work. She was livid I didn't wait for her especially as I'd "already let her down on 3 evenings in a week".
Our colleagues pointed out I'd been VERY clear I wouldn't wait for her am or pm so she was being very unreasonable.

She was still angry so I said that in order to not let her down again I'd let her make her own way to and from work from now onwards.
Not a lot she could say to that.

lockdownalli · 10/09/2021 17:59

Just tell her it doesn't work for you any more.

QueenBee52 · 10/09/2021 18:00

@whatthejiggeries

I wouldn't go out of my way. Tell her she needs to meet you somewhere on your route

OP does not want to give anyone a lift...

QueenBee52 · 10/09/2021 18:01

@StripeyDeckchair

A few years ago I got coerced into giving a colleague lifts to/from work after her car had been written off in an accident. I made it clear that she had to be waiting for me at an agreed point on the route to go in and ready to leave when I was - under no circumstances would I wait around for her. I also stated that a lift home wouldn't happen evey day because I didn't always go home from work so wouldn't alway sbe able to give her a lift. I also said that this wouldn't be on a set day eg every Tues. She wasn't impressed with this but agreed to it, in front of several others in the office.

Days 3 5 & 6 I went out after work and left her to make her own way home.
Day 7 she wasn't in the pick up place so I drove on to work. She was livid I didn't wait for her especially as I'd "already let her down on 3 evenings in a week".
Our colleagues pointed out I'd been VERY clear I wouldn't wait for her am or pm so she was being very unreasonable.

She was still angry so I said that in order to not let her down again I'd let her make her own way to and from work from now onwards.
Not a lot she could say to that.

🤣😂🤣

Dontfuckingsaycheese · 10/09/2021 18:08

I haven’t not said no

Ouch!

Sceptre86 · 10/09/2021 18:12

It doesn't really add much time to your journey and you aren't going out of the way but that being said you simply don't want to give her a lift everyday so find the guts to say so. She shouldn't have taken a job where she would have such difficulty travelling and relying on you isn't on. She needs to come up with an alternative and whatever she does isn't your issue. Be clear that you can't offer anymore lifts if that is how you feel.

Pollythecat15 · 10/09/2021 18:15

Just say No if you can't do it gladly.
There is nothing worse than helping someone out and begrudging the favour.
I'm sure your colleague wouldn't feel comfortable in accepting the lift if she knew how you really feel.

Original poster
Thecoolgirlsatschool · 10/09/2021 18:15

All the people saying ‘I-don’t-understand’ - look at all the posts telling me to tell her to get to mine / pick her up on the way, despite me saying I don’t want to give her a lift. This is how this happens.

It isn’t that big of a deal. And to be fair there’s a backlog of driving lessons and tests which I understand due to Covid, but still, I am rushed off my feet as it is. I can’t be adding more stress!

OP posts:
Skinnytailedsquirrel · 10/09/2021 18:16

If you like her and it's not inconvenient you will feel better if she starts sharing costs. Split the petrol money.

oldstudentmum · 10/09/2021 18:18

There was a similar thread b 4 lockdown I can’t remember the advice but it might be worth trying a search the date would be late 2020/21.
I think most said her getting to work is not your problem xx

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 10/09/2021 18:18

I’m not sure how an extra five minutes on a journey suddenly make it stressful. If you don’t want to do it that’s ok but I’d help out someone who is trying to learn but is affected by covid delays for the sake of five minutes extra.

Pinkfluffyunicornsandrainbows · 10/09/2021 18:18

@Thecoolgirlsatschool

It’s not so much that it is stressful but more that I don’t want to be tied to being in X place at X time every single morning.

I have to be in work at 830. I aim to get there for 745 but no big deal if I leave a bit later. If I’m collecting someone on the way it is stressful.

Going back isn’t as much of a problem. But I don’t want to be tied into it every day.

I totally understand what you're saying. I wouldn't offer a lift again and if she asks i would say no (nicely as possible) as it's inconvenient. Doing someone a favour is one thing but when it starts being expected and stressing you out and making your life more difficult (whether that's a little or a lot) then it's time to stop and put yourself first. This is difficult but better in the long run as it will become harder to stop it of it carries on longer.
TonkinLenkicks · 10/09/2021 18:22

Then don’t give her a lift? Am I missing something? You’re an adult, just dsay no.

Franklin12 · 10/09/2021 18:22

Non drivers are often just clueless about this. I had a relative who kept asking me for lifts when there were regular family events because I could drive and she didn’t see the need. She really couldn’t see how odd this was to say...

This was years ago but things clearly haven’t changed.

TonkinLenkicks · 10/09/2021 18:22

*say

GreenFlipFlop · 10/09/2021 18:23

I get really awkward about these situations too but I always find myself in them. I liked what someone said above about just going and ignoring her texts and being like 'oh sorry I missed it' till she gets the message. Or say you've joined a gym so can't do it in the mornings anymore because you're leaving early. Lyings not ideal but needs must! Or get a work colleague to suss out if she genuinely thinks she's car sharing with you and get the colleague to be like 'oh, I wouldn't have thought she'd do that cos she loves her morning audiobook whilst driving' or something 😂

SlidDownTheElephantsTrunk · 10/09/2021 18:24

I lost my licence, so went from driving to public transport. There is a colleague who lives fairly near by but I'd never ask. It's my responsibility to get myself to work.