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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to give colleague a lift?

225 replies

Thecoolgirlsatschool · 10/09/2021 15:16

I have a non driving colleague, and to get to work it involves a complex journey with multiple bus changes. So to get to work on time she’s been getting a taxi, which is expensive.

So I’ve been giving her a lift. But the problem is I’m a bit worried it’s starting to become an expected norm (WhatsApp messages asking what time I’ll be there) rather than a favour.

I’m wondering whether to just knock them on the head or if that’s a bit churlish.

It isn’t miles out of my way but it is out of my way and it is stressful enough getting myself out on time!

OP posts:
jellybeanteaparty · 10/09/2021 16:08

I would start by saying you are unable to give her a lift every day on a regular basis and you are concerned she has misread the situation by giving her a lift a few times. It does not work for you ( extra time and milage picking her up, having to think about someone else e.g. you may on holiday or off sick or late. You also need to go to the supermarket, gym,see friends after work sometimes.

LuckyAmy1986 · 10/09/2021 16:09

Would you do it if she gave you petrol money? I’d ask for some!

goldenshoes · 10/09/2021 16:11

Could you say to meet her at the end of her road or somewhere more convenient for you? And it's a bit cheeky of her if she hasn't offered a bit of petrol money!

Original poster
Thecoolgirlsatschool · 10/09/2021 16:11

It’s not the money, it’s the time.

OP posts:
Okbye · 10/09/2021 16:12

I'm a non driver and would never expect this! If someone offered once/twice then fine but I wouldn't just assume it was a regular thing and expect you to give me a lift every day!

She's taking the piss and you have to start saying no.

Notaroadrunner · 10/09/2021 16:12

Just tell her you won't be in a position to give lifts from next week. Don't use the word sorry, you have nothing to be sorry for. You don't need to say why. If she's nosey enough to ask then say "something has come up which means I'm no longer in a position to give lifts" - just be vague. How she gets to work is not your problem.

MarleneDietrichsSmile · 10/09/2021 16:13

Just say no

Mickey takers everywhere

You don’t owe her lifts

Original poster
Thecoolgirlsatschool · 10/09/2021 16:14

I haven’t not said no. I’m asking really about whether I’m being churlish to never give a lift so that a lift isn’t always expected.

It’s hard because sometimes the honest answer is I just want to go home without faffing.

I do feel a bit sorry for her though. It is hard starting a new job.

OP posts:
Notaroadrunner · 10/09/2021 16:16

@Thecoolgirlsatschool

I haven’t not said no. I’m asking really about whether I’m being churlish to never give a lift so that a lift isn’t always expected.

It’s hard because sometimes the honest answer is I just want to go home without faffing.

I do feel a bit sorry for her though. It is hard starting a new job.

Feeling sorry for her doesn't mean you have to offer lifts. No doubt she was managing fine before you asked, even if it did cost her - but her financial outgoings are not your problem. Just put a stop to it.
Notmoresugar · 10/09/2021 16:19

YADNBU
Face her and tell her no can do.
You don't even have to justify why.
She's really taking the piss out of you.

sloutside · 10/09/2021 16:28

How did it go from being a one off, or a couple of times to it being every day?
You do need to knock it on the head. It isn't working for you. It's out of your way. It's adding extra time to your commute and is stressful.
Just tell her from next week (or whatever date you choose) you won't be able to offer her a lift anymore as it doesn't work for you and you're letting her know so that she can make alternative arrangements.

I was a non-driver until my late 30s when I moved to another country and it was impossible to get anywhere on public transport.
When I was in the UK I never took a job which I couldn't get to on public transport. I checked out bus and train routes before even applying. There seem to be too many CFs around judging by these Mumsnet posts who seem to take any job without really thinking through the logistics and just hoping they can scrounge lifts off other people.
She probably thought everything would be fine - she'd get a taxi for a couple of weeks until she got to know her colleagues and then she'd get a lift.

It must be an absolute pain having to pick someone up everyday and then take them home, meaning you can't plan something else after work. I used to work with someone who lived round the corner from me and it never even crossed my mind to ask for a lift every day. In fact I never asked her - she offered sometimes if we were happening to leave work at the same time and we had a laugh together but I would never have dreamed of imposing on her.

Just tell her no and that's the end of it.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 10/09/2021 16:30

@MintyGreenDream

Hi my morning routine has changed so unfortunately I won't be able to give you lifts for the foreseeable.Just giving you the heads up and I'll see you at work.
@MintyGreenDream’s message sounds perfect.
Blondeshavemorefun · 10/09/2021 16:30

@Thecoolgirlsatschool

Why is is strange to offer someone a lift once?

Problem with ‘get to mine’ is it’s a) harder to get to mine than work and even if it wasn’t b) it still means I have to be up and ready by a particular time.

Why is it harder to get to yours then work

Maybe suggest twice a week if you feel bad

Would you not be up anyway for work

Assume you have a star5 tone and a time to leave home b6

CaveMum · 10/09/2021 16:30

Don't make up an excuse, she'll only look for ways around it and then you'll be caught up in your own lies. A simple "Giving you a lift is no longer convenient for me, you'll have to make your own way to work" is all that you need.

NewPapaGuinea · 10/09/2021 16:32

I agree the compromise is they get to your house and you give them a lift. Not fair you’re burdened with the “inconvenience” of going out of your way entirely for their benefit.

lockdownmadnessdotcom · 10/09/2021 16:33

Can you take a day's leave soon (pr better still a week) to break the pattern.

Then you can say "sorry it doesn't work for me, I have things to do on the way to/from work)". You've done her a favour a few times now.

Sadly, you are better refusing to help people from the outset than start and then stop. If you start and then stop, there seems to be more approprium than if you never helped at all.

Akire · 10/09/2021 16:34

Agree no need just have to do something else before work. How much time we talking 5 min drive out your way and 5 back ok so 20min total extra a day is big ask enough. Anymore is silly.

It’s not your job maker her life easier by making your own harder. If you can help her without affecting yours great go ahead other wise no

Pippapet · 10/09/2021 16:36

I had this once. A colleague who didn't drive so got the bus asked if he could get a lift home with me every evening. Although we lived in the same local area, we were on opposite sides and so it was out of my way and involved going across several big roads usually with huge rush hour jams whereas I had no need to go near those points on my own journey. I said no, and felt mean when I sometimes saw them at the bus stop but ultimately I just didn't want the responsibility. I had a turbulent personal life at the time and the job was extremely demanding and so between those two factors, the car journey was my own little bit of peace and quiet. I felt guilty but I didn't regret it then and I don't now.

I would invent some after-work clubs and classes, or friends that you are dropping in to see or suchlike if you want to sugar your answer.

lockdownmadnessdotcom · 10/09/2021 16:36

And no you are not being churlish OP. If she lived in the same road, it might be a bit. But you say you have to go out of your way.

Original poster
Thecoolgirlsatschool · 10/09/2021 16:37

I’ve only given her a lift a handful of times. It is just that she text this morning to say she was running late which was a bit alarming as I wasn’t giving her a lift!

I did explain this and she was fine about it but it has meant I am reluctant to offer a lift at all now in case she thinks it’s a permanent arrangement.

So my AIBU is if I should never offer a lift!

OP posts:
Original poster
Thecoolgirlsatschool · 10/09/2021 16:38

It’s maybe 5-10 mins extra, depending on traffic.

OP posts:
Sneesher · 10/09/2021 16:39

@Thecoolgirlsatschool

I’ve only given her a lift a handful of times. It is just that she text this morning to say she was running late which was a bit alarming as I wasn’t giving her a lift!

I did explain this and she was fine about it but it has meant I am reluctant to offer a lift at all now in case she thinks it’s a permanent arrangement.

So my AIBU is if I should never offer a lift!

So you weren't aware that she was expecting a lift and you hadn't offered one - but she was under the impression you were picking her up?

Tagetta · 10/09/2021 16:39

It's cheeky of her to assume I suppose. I wouldn't take a job I couldn't get to, she must be desperate.

Akire · 10/09/2021 16:41

That’s still 50min a week extra in the car. Either decide it’s fine why not go half’s on petrol and get something out of it make worthwhile or start being busy before and after work.

KitKat1985 · 10/09/2021 16:41

Hi. I've been in this situation before. It's an utter ball ache. Originally I gave the CF a lift as her son had needed to borrow her car so just assumed it was just a one-off thing. Then she kept asking because her son kept needing the car, and then essentially her son ended up buying her car off her so she wanted lifts all the time and ended up expecting it all the time. It was sort of en-route but it was just a pain in the arse having to allow her time for the pick up / drop-off etc and at the end of the shift she had a habit of faffing around and chatting to people when I just wanted to go which really started to get on my tits. Then to really add salt to the wound she moved about 3 miles further from work and in the opposite direction to the way I needed to go, and she was still expecting me to pick her up and drop her off which would have added about 6 miles each way to my journey, and added about an extra 20 minutes each way. In many ways this actually did me a favour as it finally gave me the balls to tell her it just wasn't convenient.

My advice would be to just stop this before it becomes too much of a habit. Getting her to work is not your problem and don't let her make it so. If she sends a whatsapp asking when you will be there just reply 'I'm really sorry, it's not going to be possible for me to do lifts on a regular basis as I find mornings quite chaotic and stressful anyway trying to get out the house on time. Hopefully catch up with you later at work though'. Keep it light but firm.