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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to give colleague a lift?

225 replies

Thecoolgirlsatschool · 10/09/2021 15:16

I have a non driving colleague, and to get to work it involves a complex journey with multiple bus changes. So to get to work on time she’s been getting a taxi, which is expensive.

So I’ve been giving her a lift. But the problem is I’m a bit worried it’s starting to become an expected norm (WhatsApp messages asking what time I’ll be there) rather than a favour.

I’m wondering whether to just knock them on the head or if that’s a bit churlish.

It isn’t miles out of my way but it is out of my way and it is stressful enough getting myself out on time!

OP posts:
Howshouldibehave · 10/09/2021 16:42

How did it go from offering her a lift once to her expecting lifts every day? What was actually said?

I have driven a couple of different colleagues home as one-offs for various reasons over the years, but it has never turned into anything more than this one-off.

KitKat1985 · 10/09/2021 16:43

Just a warning as well about asking her to meet you at your house. Again, I've had this and it's a pain when people turn up late etc which then makes you late. I personally wouldn't even offer.

Howshouldibehave · 10/09/2021 16:43

So my AIBU is if I should never offer a lift!

No, you would not be unreasonable. I would not offer lifts to this person on principle-it sounds like it has the potential to become complicated.

LBirch02 · 10/09/2021 16:44

YANBU OP but this is the exact situation I find difficult to navigate so I emphasise

Raffles1981 · 10/09/2021 16:45

I have just had the same issue. I offered one lift that turned into two, three times a week. I told them the truth, it was a little out of my way and was making my journey longer. And covid too. Sharing a car is a dodgy thing with covid still raging. Just state it, don't leave it open ended. Our work relationship hasn't changed.

EmmalineC · 10/09/2021 16:48

We have an organised carshare rota at work, it makes sense for 4 of us to travel in together than have 4 separate cars doing the same journey. We all live in the same area and take it in turns.
Nobody gets stuck being the chauffeur and everyone gets a go at being an annoying back seat driver.

On a night out where alcohol is involved, we share a cab.

Your colleague, however, is taking the piss.

ifonly4 · 10/09/2021 16:50

If you don't want to be tied to a particular time, start messaging her as soon as you get up and have a feel for roughly what time you'd like to leave, saying I'm leaving early today, or I'm running late, so I'll see you at say 7.30am. If the journey is out of your way, you could also ask her to walk to the point where it wouldn't take any longer. She either goes with the flow (as you're going her a favour) or sorts something else out.

cittigirl · 10/09/2021 16:53

Yanbu. I did this once but then the person was never ready on time which used to wind me up. Thankfully she moved eventually. I wasn't forceful enough to say no. I hope I would be now if it didn't suit me. Once I remember ringing the bell. There was no answer, so I assumed she wasn't working or had already left. She pointedly came past my desk to give me a funny look. Of course I told her i'd rung the bell!

Tell her you can't do it anymore! You don't need to explain why.

fruitbrewhaha · 10/09/2021 16:55

Is anyone else remembering Liftzilla?

Look it up OP. It went very sour, so I'd knock this on the head straight away.

What did you do when she messaged to say she was running late? Did you reply that you were already on the way into work? In which case she may get the hint. If she asks for a lift home so, No sorry its not convenient.

Tistheseason17 · 10/09/2021 16:55

Just say you can't do it and enjoy your solo travel time, again. It's annoying for it to be expected and when someone is late and you have to wait for them it impacts on you. YANBU to say no.

NeonJellyBaby · 10/09/2021 16:55

I regularly give a work colleague a lift home from work, but I literally have to drive right past their house to get home so I’m not putting myself out and they always offer petrol money.

LookItsMeAgain · 10/09/2021 16:56

When she sent the text this morning saying she was running late - I would have replied "I don't know why you're sending this to me. I've already left for work so I think you need to let Team Leader / Manager know that you're running late, not me."

If she asks for a lift home, I would let her know that you won't be able to give her lifts after today/Monday/give her a date. You don't have to give her a reason but if she presses you for one, just say it was an initial favour and not a regular arrangement. You are not interested in it becoming a regular arrangement and that's that.

BunnytheFriendlyDragon · 10/09/2021 16:56

So am I right in thinking she Joe knows you are not giving her a lift every day? If so problem solved.

If you ever give her a lift again you could specify in an indirect way eg I will give you a lift home today if you like because I'm going to X and passing your house anyway.

Original poster
Thecoolgirlsatschool · 10/09/2021 16:56

That is the thing @ifonly4, so I message & say leaving half seven then for whatever reason I can’t it stresses me out.

That is correct @Sneesher

OP posts:
Iputthetrampintrampoline · 10/09/2021 16:57

not your problem! pressumably she knew the dificulties she would have getting to work before she took the job? Just say NO however awkward it is for you or you will just be used as her own taxi service. Lie if you have to say your not going home your doing something else anything but get out of this arrangement before it grinds you down.

Lunificent · 10/09/2021 16:58

@Notaroadrunner

Just tell her you won't be in a position to give lifts from next week. Don't use the word sorry, you have nothing to be sorry for. You don't need to say why. If she's nosey enough to ask then say "something has come up which means I'm no longer in a position to give lifts" - just be vague. How she gets to work is not your problem.
Do this one.
Marni83 · 10/09/2021 16:59

Tell her to get to a point that is on your way and you will collect her there

Sorted

Lunificent · 10/09/2021 17:00

Think of it in the same way you think of dealing with a cold caller. The more information you give them, the more opportunity you give them to reply/grind you down.
Give no reasons. Just say you’re no longer able to do it.

Original poster
Thecoolgirlsatschool · 10/09/2021 17:00

That’s giving her a lift Marni and I don’t want to. So not sorted.

Can people not understand that even not going out of your way adds stress to your journey?

OP posts:
Marni83 · 10/09/2021 17:03

@Thecoolgirlsatschool

That’s giving her a lift Marni and I don’t want to. So not sorted.

Can people not understand that even not going out of your way adds stress to your journey?

I suppose I don’t see the journey to work quite so high stressful as you do

I’d say to her, please get to this point at x Time (5 mins earlier than when you actually need her there!) and I’ll collect you.

But it sounds as though your commute is highly stressful?!

takehomepay · 10/09/2021 17:03

@Thecoolgirlsatschool

I’ve only given her a lift a handful of times. It is just that she text this morning to say she was running late which was a bit alarming as I wasn’t giving her a lift!

I did explain this and she was fine about it but it has meant I am reluctant to offer a lift at all now in case she thinks it’s a permanent arrangement.

So my AIBU is if I should never offer a lift!

Definitely don’t offer lifts going forward!

She has shown she has CF traits.

SpiderinaWingMirror · 10/09/2021 17:04

I hear you.
I defo learned the hard way. I told my cf that I couldn't carry on.(I won't bore you with the ridiculous nature of it).
She walked around the office telling everyone how mean I was. Anyway by the end of the day she had found some other sucker to do it!

BunnytheFriendlyDragon · 10/09/2021 17:05

Friend is not necessarily a CF if she just misunderstood but it's fine if you don't want to do it.

If you wanted to help her out you could say you'd try to take her once a week but you would text her the night before

Original poster
Thecoolgirlsatschool · 10/09/2021 17:06

It’s not so much that it is stressful but more that I don’t want to be tied to being in X place at X time every single morning.

I have to be in work at 830. I aim to get there for 745 but no big deal if I leave a bit later. If I’m collecting someone on the way it is stressful.

Going back isn’t as much of a problem. But I don’t want to be tied into it every day.

OP posts:
Bollindger · 10/09/2021 17:06

I think you need to tell her that giving her a lift is causing problems, your car insurance has said it is not on your policy, that she needs to sort something else and while your sorry, you have to think of your own health first.

If she asks more, just tell her your sorry but you just don't feel able.

Ask her if she could advertise for someone who does want to car share, in her area, or a Taxi on a regular basis can be quoted for less money.