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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to give colleague a lift?

225 replies

Thecoolgirlsatschool · 10/09/2021 15:16

I have a non driving colleague, and to get to work it involves a complex journey with multiple bus changes. So to get to work on time she’s been getting a taxi, which is expensive.

So I’ve been giving her a lift. But the problem is I’m a bit worried it’s starting to become an expected norm (WhatsApp messages asking what time I’ll be there) rather than a favour.

I’m wondering whether to just knock them on the head or if that’s a bit churlish.

It isn’t miles out of my way but it is out of my way and it is stressful enough getting myself out on time!

OP posts:
MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously · 10/09/2021 18:25

Don't do a compromise that you don't want to do - you will end up more resentful and it will be harder to get out of without upset.
I'd go with a text saying that your routine is changing and you won't be able to give her a lift in future. Don't get into the specifics or saying morning routine or she's going to expect a lift home in the evening.
If she asks tell her that you aren't going straight home.

Jangle33 · 10/09/2021 18:25

Knock this on the head right now. She chooses not to drive/lives somewhere weird. 10 mins a day out your way both ways is loads. Definitely stop this!

Original poster
Thecoolgirlsatschool · 10/09/2021 18:30

Like I say I don’t think it needs elaborate lies or anything. I think some have misunderstood the thread, tbh.

A couple of times a week I’m fine with giving her a lift. What I’m concerned about is if I end up in an awkward situation where I’m expected to give them all the time, not every so often as a favour.

So AIBU to never offer lifts. That’s what I’m wondering.

OP posts:
TractorAndHeadphones · 10/09/2021 18:31

YANBU to not give them any lifts at all. Unless :

  • Specifically asked for a genuine one odd reason
  • You happen to be early (or similar) and offered.

To ‘never ever give lifts’ is a bit extreme. Just make it clear that it’s entirely at your discretion and not regular. That’s all.

KingsleyShacklebolt · 10/09/2021 18:31

have a non driving colleague, and to get to work it involves a complex journey with multiple bus changes. So to get to work on time she’s been getting a taxi, which is expensive.

Your colleague clearly knew she couldn't drive when she took the job. The complex/expensive journey is HER problem. It is not YOUR problem.

TractorAndHeadphones · 10/09/2021 18:32

Also to add OP - you can give lifts a couple of times a week - if you want to.
But if you say 2 days a week then you’d better make sure you stick to those to days and don’t mind. If you do mind then don’t give any.

MarbleRunaway · 10/09/2021 18:36

“Sorry just so you know I can’t offer you a lift everyday because I often have errands to do on my way to and from work, or make calls and catch up with friends and family while I drive. I’ll let you know if there is the odd time I can do it but just wanted you to have the heads up that I can’t do it on a regular or set basis.”

Roselilly36 · 10/09/2021 18:38

I agree Op, usually these type of favours never end well. It’s another complication, it’s your colleagues responsibility to get to & from work.

ImInStealthMode · 10/09/2021 18:39

Just bite the bullet and say no. You don't need to make up an excuse.

I used to pick up and drop off a colleague very slightly out of my way and it became a drag just because we didn't have much to talk about on the journey. I didn't mind otherwise. Mind you when she left our company but got another job on the same business park I started going to the gym before work so couldn't possibly pick her up Wink

Just recently I've been picking up and dropping a colleague who lives right on my route and that's a pleasure as we like a good gossip and to compare notes on whatever crap TV we watched the night before. She's bought a car now and I almost miss picking her up.

Veryverycalmnow · 10/09/2021 18:39

Most non- drivers I know (including myself) take full responsibility for their own travel. I've moved somewhere with good public transport and found a job closer to home. Your colleague needs to sort it out. This kind of thing gives non- drivers a bad name! Just say you can't if she asks.

Dguu6u · 10/09/2021 18:39

Just never offer. It’s confusing for her if you give her lifts every so often only, and it’s not nice for her if she has to ask every morning whether you can pick her up. It’s better if she has that clarity now rather than having to keep wondering why sometimes you say yes, sometimes no. If you don’t want it to be a regular thing, just tell her it isn’t working out for you anymore. I would do this myself, as you say it’s stressful having to drive someone to work regularly.

TurnTheShipAround · 10/09/2021 18:45

YANBU. When you offer a lift once you end up potentially getting sucked in.

Years ago a colleague's DH had a (non fatal) heart attack. She relied on him for lifts so asked me would I mind dropping her home each afternoon since I lived in the same town? Of course, you want to help out someone in that situation so I said yes.
It turned into a nightmare. At the time DM had DS2 while I worked, so every afternoon I had to drive, with colleague in tow, the 15 miles from work to DM's village to collect him, then to one side of our town to drop off colleague then get across to my side in rush hour traffic.
Giving her a lift meant everyday I was doing a 5 mile detour plus the additional stress of driving through our town centre which I normally avoided.
After a couple of weeks she asked me if I would mind also picking her up in the mornings as her son had been dropping her off and it was inconvenient for him 🙄. At that point I'd had enough and said no I couldn't - I already had one DC to drop off at school and one at DM's - I really didn't want to add her to the morning mix.
Anyway, she sorted herself out after that (I can't remember how) and after about 4 weeks of lifts she gave me a thank you present - a box of Maltesers (she hadn't paid me a penny towards petrol).

What really pissed me off though was during one of her final lifts she told me that she could actually drive, she just didn't like to.

Never again.

Get rid Op.

Tulips15 · 10/09/2021 18:46

Just dont offer

Droite · 10/09/2021 18:50

Can colleague cycle?

Beautiful3 · 10/09/2021 18:51

Is there somewhere (not your house nor hers) that's on the way to work, that she can get to? I would say, if you get there for x time I'll pick you up and drop you back there. I wouldn't go to her house though. If I got fed up with it, I'd say I'm not giving lifts anymore.

jackstini · 10/09/2021 18:51

I think you need to make it clear you have certain things before and after work on a regular basis that control your time, so lifts will not be a thing

How much extra time does it take you? Now think what you earn. Why should she expect £x worth of favours for nothing, every day

Poss fair enough if you were passing her door, but you're not

QueenBee52 · 10/09/2021 18:53

@Thecoolgirlsatschool

Ignore the posts claiming to not understand your issue... they aren't helpful.. so stop explaining yourself to those posts.. they're never going to understand your situ.. like ever..

Just be prepared to say No.. if she asks again .. which she will ..

Practise saying No ... thats doesn't work for me.. 🌸

TempleofZoom · 10/09/2021 18:53

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss

I’m not sure how an extra five minutes on a journey suddenly make it stressful. If you don’t want to do it that’s ok but I’d help out someone who is trying to learn but is affected by covid delays for the sake of five minutes extra.
Its the obligation. I cycle anyway but if I drove it would be a nice quiet time and decompression time after work. I wouldnt want the obligation, extra time, worry they would make me late. I dont get all the angst Confused

Hello Cheeky fecker
I think you might have got the wrong impression.
I offered one lift.
I dont want the daily obligation of driving others to and from work.
Bw
Op

CharityDingle · 10/09/2021 18:54

@fruitbrewhaha

Is anyone else remembering Liftzilla?

Look it up OP. It went very sour, so I'd knock this on the head straight away.

What did you do when she messaged to say she was running late? Did you reply that you were already on the way into work? In which case she may get the hint. If she asks for a lift home so, No sorry its not convenient.

Liftzilla was a troll. Probably started with a grain of truth but the twists and turns became more outlandish as the OP got more and more encouragement. The OP got HR and her union involved,... but ignored any questions as to how they were so readily available to her, at the weekend, as the story grew legs. And I seem to remember something about being given paid time off because of what supposedly happened.
TempleofZoom · 10/09/2021 18:55

@Thecoolgirlsatschool

Like I say I don’t think it needs elaborate lies or anything. I think some have misunderstood the thread, tbh.

A couple of times a week I’m fine with giving her a lift. What I’m concerned about is if I end up in an awkward situation where I’m expected to give them all the time, not every so often as a favour.

So AIBU to never offer lifts. That’s what I’m wondering.

No YANBU I wouldnt offer any tho. Its seen as giving and taking away. She will feel aggrieved on the days you dont. Just close it down
RedToothBrush · 10/09/2021 18:58

Just an inch and someone will take a mile.

CF in the making.

Best to start saying no now rather than let this fester and get worse and become an expectation.

RedToothBrush · 10/09/2021 18:58

Give* an inch

Beautiful3 · 10/09/2021 18:58

Sorry op, just read all your updates. I think its acceptable to say, "I'm no longer giving lifts because it's stressful."

Branleuse · 10/09/2021 18:59

Block her number and then if she accosts you at work tell her your phone is playing up. Then when she mentions a lift, say that you cant commit to giving lifts as you dont want to be relied upon as its the only quiet time you get

2bazookas · 10/09/2021 19:07

Just say "Sorry, this can't be a regular thing; I'm not going out of my way every day because I have some other stuff going on. Er, no, it's something private I don't want to discuss".

The colleague must have known the transport problem/expense/time when she took on the job.