To not want to give colleague a lift?

[Thecoolgirlsatschool]

I have a non driving colleague, and to get to work it involves a complex journey with multiple bus changes. So to get to work on time she’s been getting a taxi, which is expensive.

So I’ve been giving her a lift. But the problem is I’m a bit worried it’s starting to become an expected norm (WhatsApp messages asking what time I’ll be there) rather than a favour.

I’m wondering whether to just knock them on the head or if that’s a bit churlish.

It isn’t miles out of my way but it is out of my way and it is stressful enough getting myself out on time!

@Thecoolgirlsatschool

Like I say I don’t think it needs elaborate lies or anything. I think some have misunderstood the thread, tbh.

A couple of times a week I’m fine with giving her a lift. What I’m concerned about is if I end up in an awkward situation where I’m expected to give them all the time, not every so often as a favour.

So AIBU to never offer lifts. That’s what I’m wondering.

YANBU, imo.

I worked with someone who lived fairly near me. They had a parking space, I didn't, so I took the bus. I never expected to be offered a lift, they never offered one.

It was absolutely fine.

@SnarkyBag

Either stop it altogether or say “I’ll be leaving at 8am if you can get to mine by 7.55 you’re welcome to a lift”

I’d probably stop it all together this sort of thing tends to become something you resent doing over time or somehow makes your life that bit more inconvenient

oh god no; don't ask her to your place. Then if she's not there on time you'll be the bad bogey for not waiting for her. Or she arrives early and its raining so you have to let her in to wait while you 're flying around getting ready for work.

My husband started this and it started to bug me more than him as he'd drop/pick me up some days too, plus he'd do drop off/pickup at my parents house for our children. She'd come to our house in the morning and was often late which made us all late. It really bugged me when I went to get into the car on the way home and had to sit in the back with my kids and she'd be in the front already, awkward!!! My husband would also drop her back home too which added to our journey home. He felt sorry for her as it was impossible to get to where they worked on public transport. When she got a new job (which was miles away) she messaged him the first day saying that she was at a random station and had no idea how to get home. I think she expected him to drive there for her!! He replied with a link to the local bus timetable 🤣, he'd have been collecting her from the station each day if she'd of had her way! It got to the point where a lift was just expected and she never offered any petrol money even though we were going out the way every single day. I was so glad when it stopped!

I'd nip it in the bud now, it might seem mean but you'll be stuck with the arrangement and made to be late etc which you just don't need in the morning.

She took the job, she must've factored in travelling?

YANBU!

If I were you I wouldn’t be able to say a flat out no to any lifts. But I’d say “from next week I can only give you a lift home a couple of days after work a week as my routine’s changed”. I think if you just go totally cold turkey on the lifts and offer no lifts it’ll get awkward. You obviously don’t owe her any lifts but that’s what I’d do because I like to help people out now and again and make others feel welcome in their new job. Every day is way too much for anyone though, that’s quite an assumption she’s made!

I wouldn’t mind giving a lift very occasionally, but the OP’s colleague seems to mistake “occasional lifts” for “permanent arrangement”. So in the OP’s case, maybe it’s best not to offer any lifts, as it just gets misconstrued?

Honestly I'd start to be "unavailable" and not able to take her. Cut it down so it's not regular, perhaps you're doing something else after work, going in the opposite direction. One or twice in a tight spot for her is ok, more than that no.

Or take up listening to rap or whatever she hates!

The answer to her (presumptive) 'WhatsApp messages asking what time I’ll be there' can ALWAYS be:
'Sorry I'm not sure. You'd better make your own way to work.'

If you like taking her/enjoy her company you could give her a lift. (You can always tell her to be ready to leave as soon as you arrive and that this will be between x early and x late - so you are not tied to one time.)

If you want to be charitable and give her a few lifts a week - choose days that work for you and stick to them. (Again - set a broad time for her to be ready -so that you aren't tied to too small a window- but do expect her to be ready to leave at once when you do get to her.)

It would not be unreasonable to give a lift. It is not unreasonable not to give a life either.

@Thecoolgirlsatschool

That’s giving her a lift Marni and I don’t want to. So not sorted.

Can people not understand that even not going out of your way adds stress to your journey?

Then simply tell her you won’t be doing lifts from next week

It's not unreasonable to not give lifts if you don't want to. I hate driving with other people in the car, so I only do it for people I love. A casual "friend" at work isn't someone I love, so I'd only do it in an emergency.

Other people might not mind giving lifts, but everyone's different. If it's worrying you, there's nothing unreasonable about putting a stop to it.

I don't get the issue? Why would you want them to have a complicated drive in? Tell them if they want a lift to me at your house at X time

For fuck's sake. What has the complicated drive in got to do with the OP? The woman took the job knowing where she lived and where the workplace was. If it wasn't doable on public transport she shouldn't have taken the job. If she was desperate for a job (yes, job's are hard to come by), she should have factored in the cost of the taxi and kept getting the taxi, or use public transport for part of the journey and the taxi for the rest.

Whatever, in no way has this anything whatsoever to do with the OP. Emotional blackmail to say "Why would you want her to have a complicated drive in?"

The OP does not want to give her a lift so she should simply say it doesn't work for her and she will not be giving any more lifts.
If other people would be happy giving lifts then fair enough, but the OP is not.

I was the recipient of this and I loved it!!! My colleague is still a mate several years post that job. She did get fed up though and held my hand a bit while I bought a car for myself!

Start asking when she’s getting a car! I would hate the tie. YANBU.

@CovidDoesNotExistDuh

I've had similar and said "I don't want to car share, that's my time alone and I like it. However, in very bad weather I'll absolutely take you home". And I did in snow or torrential rain.

Perfect!

No OP - you are not being unreasonable to never offer lifts.

If this was a normal person, who realised one-off offers of lifts are just that, and accept them in the spirit with which they’re intended, that would be fine.

But she’s not.

She’s a CF, who’s interpreted a one-off offer as a permanent arrangement.

So. Lesson learnt. You clearly cannot offer her lifts anymore.

So don’t.

Sorted. As in - actually ‘sorted’.

Not ‘sorted’ as some other are suggesting, whereby you’re still having to give her lifts every single day (that’s not ‘sorted’ at all).

I think it's sad that so many people wouldn't help another person out, and save them what sounds like a very expensive and unenjoyable journey. I would feel terrible knowing I'm going the same way.

Can't you set some boundaries for how you'd like this to work? Say you can't pick her up or drop her off from her home but if she can make her way to yours by a specific time, you're happy to continue the arrangement; and that you're very punctual so you'll leave by that time every day.

@Thecoolgirlsatschool

Like I say I don’t think it needs elaborate lies or anything. I think some have misunderstood the thread, tbh.

A couple of times a week I’m fine with giving her a lift. What I’m concerned about is if I end up in an awkward situation where I’m expected to give them all the time, not every so often as a favour.

So AIBU to never offer lifts. That’s what I’m wondering.

No, YANBU to not offer a lift. You need to stop it altogether to avoid any expectations. She needs to find a regular way to work herself. Having not given a lift today (iirc) she might have got the message. However if she texts over the weekend asking about Monday, then just say, "actually, I meant to tell you on Friday that I'm not in a position to give lifts anymore". And ignore any further messages about it.

I think it's sad that so many people wouldn't help another person out, and save them what sounds like a very expensive and unenjoyable journey. I would feel terrible knowing I'm going the same way

CF shouldn't have taken the job if she couldn't get there by public transport and couldn't afford a taxi and as for unenjoyable? Eh? Tough shit.
The OP has to go out of her way to take this person with her. It's causing OP stress and making her commute "unenjoyable".

Can't you set some boundaries for how you'd like this to work? Say you can't pick her up or drop her off from her home but if she can make her way to yours by a specific time, you're happy to continue the arrangement; and that you're very punctual so you'll leave by that time every day

OP does not want to give this person a lift so what is the point in suggesting all these things. She has already said several times on the thread she does not want to. Why should she go out of her way and feel stressed because some other adult took a job knowing that the commute was going to be a nightmare?

Getting to mine is no more or less complicated than getting to work, and I really don’t want the stress of that anyway.

@Thecoolgirlsatschool

Getting to mine is no more or less complicated than getting to work, and I really don’t want the stress of that anyway.

And that’s OK.

It doesn’t matter if other people would ‘feel bad’ by not giving someone a lift. It does not matter. This is about what works for you.

I would just tell her you can't take her or drop her home from now on.

However you might find your boss/manager gives you a telling off about it. I stopped giving a colleague lifts once in an old job and got a real telling off from my manager, who wanted to give me a written warning over it.

@TaleOfTheContinents

I think it's sad that so many people wouldn't help another person out, and save them what sounds like a very expensive and unenjoyable journey. I would feel terrible knowing I'm going the same way.

Can't you set some boundaries for how you'd like this to work? Say you can't pick her up or drop her off from her home but if she can make her way to yours by a specific time, you're happy to continue the arrangement; and that you're very punctual so you'll leave by that time every day.

Haven’t you read the OP? She’s not going the same way, it’s a detour. A small one, but a detour nonetheless. When you’re in morning traffic even 10 mins out of the way compounds leading up to major delays.

Op I cut back as I gave a kid a lift home from sport. It was raining. Found the mum expected it all the time. It just got presumed.. so I tend suit myself now. It was an extra 10 mins on my route to get her

Just say no to all future requests - because you explained today it should be easier. 'The offer of a lift was a one off, sorry I am not in a position to commit to any lift arrangement because life is too hectic for that'.

The bottom line is you are both adults and you don't have to do anything you don't want to do.