Aibu to expect dh to cover looking after kids so I can attend work meeting

[Indecisivelurcher]

I am part time and finish at 3pm, do kids pick ups, sort dinner etc. Occasionally I am asked to attend a meeting that goes beyond 3pm. Aibu to expect dh to be able to help out? Normally he would be able to collect kids and stick telly on. On this occasion kids have something on after school that he'd have to take them to. I want to attend as its a face to face with colleagues I havent seen since pre-covid, and I'm running the meeting. The date is a recurring one so not easy to change, it's usually on teams and finishes before school, this is a longer one to accommodate face to face. I think dh should take 2hrs off and catch up the time. He is wfh. He thinks I shouldn't attend meeting. Who is being unreasonable?

How much notice are you giving him? If he’s wfh then without notice to get a half day/agree different hours then YABU. I would always try to help but ultimately why are you working beyond your contracted hours?

He should cover, but kids activities are less important than paid work.

You do your meeting and leave it to your DH to decide what to do with the kids.

He should help.

He should cover. If he can't take them to their activity (because he can't flex his working hours) that's fair enough.

I guess it depends on whether or not he has a meeting at that time and who booked their meeting first.

He not ‘helping’ he’s parenting!

I'd expect DH to pick the children up (assuming this is fairly infrequent and his work are fine with him working that degree of flexibility) but not to take them to their after school activity.

If nothing else, because if you have primary school children, then you need to save your leave to cover illnesses and school holidays.

He should cover - taking flex time or annual leave if necessary.

It depends how flexible his work are. If they are 'just do the work whenever' and he is just effectively saying he doesnt want to, then that's shit of him. If they say ok but take a dim view of it because it's not an emergency then I can see why he doesnt want to.

He's definitely being unreasonable. He's as much their parent as you are.

Hmmmm, IMO, YABU.

Essentially you want him to take time off work and then just catch up the time at his inconvenience, but from his end you're deciding to work outside of your hours to attend the meeting - if you're part time then if you are working past those hours and your DH can't pick up the childcare because he's also working, can't you find someone else like potentially a grandparent or friends parent who does the same activity? Or can they miss the activity this time?

I WFH and can't just take half days or time off here and there (deadlines, meetings, work to do) just because I'm working from home, your DH might be the same.

He should def cover so long as he’s not got an equally as important meeting. I guess there’s a chance his work would be entitled to refuse his request but he should at least try to rearrange his work.

He is being the big man I see. Does his job normally have no inconvenience caused to it by your job? Unless he has something equally important on that afternoon he needs to sort it out.

(Sorry this attitude in some fathers really annoys me!)

If he's working then I don't think their activity is more important than that. Assuming he's offered to pick them up and bring them home as you said. So he's not shirking his parenting duties.

Depends on his employer. Both DH and I would have no trouble doing this but many people can't.
Could another parent bring them back after the activity - either home or to their house and one of you collect from there?

First of all, he’s not ‘helping’ he’s being a parent.

But. If he is only WFH because of the current situation and would normally be working in the office and wouldn’t be able to leave at 3pm, then I can see both sides of the argument.

WFH is great, but it has (IMO) meant that although the flexibility is great and it means people can do more things like taking kids to things, it does also mean that it’s now expected, which means it can cause problems.

I’m not explaining myself very well, but basically, if he has something non negotiable work wise, like a meeting, in the time your children need to be taken, he’s not being unreasonable to say he can’t take them. If he doesn’t have a meeting or call and can make up the time, then it would be unreasonable if him to say no.

My DH is WFH currently, and I’ve definitely fallen into the trap of saying ‘oh but you can take x to x because you’re at home’. Working from home is not the same as being off work.

Seems that yet again, women are expected to be the default parent and dad just “helps put”. Of course he should cover it. I expect you’ve gone part time in order to cover most of the childcare, so have already made a huge sacrifice to your career, but he wants you to keep making them so that he doesn’t have to make even minor changes to his role.

I think it's a difficult one. We are both now cross with each other!
Some of the questions -

Meeting is outside of my normal hours but I work flexitime so the extra time will be banked rather than lost. I suppose I struggle sometimes with wanting to show willing and not be perceived as less valuable because am part time.

He's got 2 weeks notice. His work is quiet at the mo, not many meetings, usually writing reports. His boss works random hours to accommodate golf etc... His work are being pretty flexible at the mo because -
This month is crazy as ds is starting school 2hrs per day and doesn't go full time until 30 Sept, so we are both scrabbling around a bit. I think that's contributing to dh saying no. I am down on my contracted hours but using flexi time.

Grandparents can't help much at the mo, one set are shielding due to recent cancer op, the other set are a bit doddery to ask them to take kids to swimming lesson.

How much notice are you giving him? And how often is 'occasionally'

Is his work flexible from home - ie as long as its done then if he adjusts times thats fine - in which case your aren't unreasonable
If he's working from home but is expected to have rigid hours then, depending on notice and frequency then you may be unreasonable in expecting him to be able to book leave to accomodate you working at a time you normally don't

@Tailendofsummer

He is being the big man I see. Does his job normally have no inconvenience caused to it by your job? Unless he has something equally important on that afternoon he needs to sort it out.

The OP has said that he normally would pick them up if she was running late and take them home so he can carry on working - he only can't this time because they have to go to an event after school which he can't take them to because he's working. So yes - clearly his job does also get affected?

Sorry OP but I think YABU, do the kids have to go to the event? I don't think one of your jobs takes priority over the other, just because he is wfh doesn't mean he can just take a few hours off here and there as he chooses.
The fact you've said you "want" to attend the meeting makes me think it's optional?
Do you have someone else that could take the kids to their event?

With your update then OP he is being unreasonable. The juggle is so hard!

Sorry cross posted - although with your update, I can understand him not wanting to take an extra couple of hours off for a school event when you're both already having to juggle your hours for DS going to school.
Could they not miss the event and he pick them up and take them home as he normally would?

Also I am running this meeting, which is more of a workshop about one of the projects I am leading. I don't have much say over its date though. I am running it as a walking workshop because people are uncomfortable being indoors due to covid. So it sounds like a jolly but isn't really.

If he's doing a lot of juggling already with DC starting school, I think it's reasonable for him not to want to take on any more - perhaps another parent can drop the DC home, if he can't even just pick them up from school?