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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to expect dh to cover looking after kids so I can attend work meeting

235 replies

Indecisivelurcher · 10/09/2021 13:04

I am part time and finish at 3pm, do kids pick ups, sort dinner etc. Occasionally I am asked to attend a meeting that goes beyond 3pm. Aibu to expect dh to be able to help out? Normally he would be able to collect kids and stick telly on. On this occasion kids have something on after school that he'd have to take them to. I want to attend as its a face to face with colleagues I havent seen since pre-covid, and I'm running the meeting. The date is a recurring one so not easy to change, it's usually on teams and finishes before school, this is a longer one to accommodate face to face. I think dh should take 2hrs off and catch up the time. He is wfh. He thinks I shouldn't attend meeting. Who is being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Original poster
Indecisivelurcher · 10/09/2021 13:28

Kids could miss swimming. I suppose I am reluctant because I see swimming as fairly non negotiable, plus we've paid for the course.

OP posts:
shouldistop · 10/09/2021 13:28

So op has he offered to bring the kids home and it's just that you want them to do their activity? You haven't been clear

Beamur · 10/09/2021 13:29

In the circumstances I would just miss swimming for one week

Tailendofsummer · 10/09/2021 13:29

Normally I would think cancelling the activity is a good compromise, though I don't know what it is - my own dc have had so few after school activities available to them since Covid so I would be reluctant for them to miss one if it's avoidable.

Original poster
Indecisivelurcher · 10/09/2021 13:30

He hasn't offered that no. He's said he's working and I need to change the meeting or not go. I think he would be cross the kids would miss swimming!

OP posts:
sillysmiles · 10/09/2021 13:30

just because he is wfh doesn't mean he can just take a few hours off here and there as he chooses

It seems from the update that he can, he is just choosing not to.

Attending the meeting is important to your work then he can decide whether the kids go to their event or not, but with 2 weeks notice he is being unreasonable.

Driftingblue · 10/09/2021 13:31

DH and I both occasionally have to take time from work to cover the other person’s work. It’s more common for him to have to take time off because I am part-time and do the vast majority of time sensitive child duties. I also have a high level job that occasionally requires me to work outside of school hours. We can’t use a nanny because of our household health restrictions. DH has to occasionally flex his hours. It’s just the way our lives work.

Naunet · 10/09/2021 13:31

Why does he get to just say no? Do you get that luxury too?

Original poster
Indecisivelurcher · 10/09/2021 13:32

With ds starting school we had agreed that Monday is his day to juggle the kids. Tuesday his parents help. Wednesday, Thursday, Friday are me. I can do long work hours at the start of the week and short at the end. Ugh. Sorry this is proving complicated, and not all that interesting!!!

OP posts:
NothingIsWrong · 10/09/2021 13:32

I work part time but am expected to attend meetings during my time off if they are critical and can't be moved. My children have occasionally missed things like swimming as on those days they either have to go to ASC or on a play date. It's just one of those things. I'd say once a term or so it happens?

GoWalkabout · 10/09/2021 13:32

You are female therefore less important.

NothingIsWrong · 10/09/2021 13:33

Plus if your wee one has just gone to full time school they may well be exhausted. Mine couldn't cope with swimming after school for a few weeks after starting until they adjusted.

QueenofKattegat · 10/09/2021 13:34

@Naunet

Why does he get to just say no? Do you get that luxury too?
^^ this.

Can't believe the responses to be honest. Stop viewing it as him "helping" for a start. Are you "helping" when you have the kids?

Original poster
Indecisivelurcher · 10/09/2021 13:38

Generally I don't view it as helping, but I didn't know how else to put it in this instance. We are more equal than kids of the crap I see on here. But the fact is I work part time, he works full time.

OP posts:
Naunet · 10/09/2021 13:40

@Indecisivelurcher

Generally I don't view it as helping, but I didn't know how else to put it in this instance. We are more equal than kids of the crap I see on here. But the fact is I work part time, he works full time.
Yes, so you’ve already taken a massive hit to your career. All you’re asking from him is to book a couple of hours off, it doesn’t impact his career at all. He’s being selfish.
Lou98 · 10/09/2021 13:42

@sillysmiles as I then said I cross posted when I wrote that - she never included that in the OP

Original poster
Indecisivelurcher · 10/09/2021 13:43

Well, and that's why I'm annoyed! If I'm being kind I think it's a bit of a final straw issue because he's already taking some 'hits' due to school settling in etc. But mostly I think he is being unreasonable, as he'd only have to take 2hrs off and could make up the time, or use leave.

OP posts:
DogFoodPie · 10/09/2021 13:44

Your update about how flexible his work is was a bit unclear, you say his boss arranged his own hours around golf but that doesn't necessarily mean your DH can do the same thing. I would say if DH can genuinely be flexible he should do it as doing the meeting will be good for your career, and he should do his share of boring activities with the kids; but if his work might be funny and hold it against him then either you should change your meeting or the kids miss swimming depending on how important your meeting is.

Original poster
Indecisivelurcher · 10/09/2021 13:46

Sorry if I wasn't clear. Dh does not work flexi time, it's a 9-5 job. But he happens to have a relaxed line manager who bends the rules himself and allows dh the same approach, within reason. The last 2 words being important.

OP posts:
GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 10/09/2021 13:46

He is being extremely unreasonable.

However, the next option is that the kids just don’t go to swimming, as it’s not vital or as important as work.

billy1966 · 10/09/2021 13:47

Considering you have agreed to go part time, I think he should be supportive.

Perhaps you need to relook at PT if he isn't.

The loser career wise is the woman usually.

SimonedeBeauvoirscat · 10/09/2021 13:47

Presumably you’re not working part time so that you can sit around drinking coffee and reading novels the rest of the week? You’re part time because that facilitates him being full time while also having children, a choice you both made. Presumably you also intend to progress in your career and he knows that? So his job is to facilitate that for you, as you are facilitating his career for him.

Seasonschange · 10/09/2021 13:48

I think it’s really out of order for your work to arrange meetings that you’re leading when you’re not working. You should have said no when it was first suggested.

FFSFFSFFS · 10/09/2021 13:49

Why is his work more important than yours?

Of course he should do it.

greenlynx · 10/09/2021 13:50

It does feel like he wants to make a point because it’s “your” day and the meeting is out of your contracted hours. I think it’s very unreasonable approach in general. I would expect him to think how to make it work because you are a team. Does he want you to progress in your work ?