Aibu to expect dh to cover looking after kids so I can attend work meeting

[Indecisivelurcher]

I am part time and finish at 3pm, do kids pick ups, sort dinner etc. Occasionally I am asked to attend a meeting that goes beyond 3pm. Aibu to expect dh to be able to help out? Normally he would be able to collect kids and stick telly on. On this occasion kids have something on after school that he'd have to take them to. I want to attend as its a face to face with colleagues I havent seen since pre-covid, and I'm running the meeting. The date is a recurring one so not easy to change, it's usually on teams and finishes before school, this is a longer one to accommodate face to face. I think dh should take 2hrs off and catch up the time. He is wfh. He thinks I shouldn't attend meeting. Who is being unreasonable?

Of course he should help out. They’re his kids.

@Quartz2208

So yours is a fixed meeting which would be a pain to change

His work is fairly flexible and could be easily changed.

Yet you are the one deemed unreasonable and having to change because he wont

!!!

As you’re part time and he’s full time I’m guessing he’s the main breadwinner? (I could be wrong and you’re in a very high earning career with great pay progression?)

If he’s bringing home most of the money I’d prioritise his job over mine. He may be ‘flexible’ but sounds like he can’t be flexible this time (does he have a meeting that clashes, or a 1:1 that he’d have to cancel that day?)

If he just doesn’t want to then he is BVU. But if he genuinely needs to be online eg a meeting or call then I think you’re unreasonable to say he should cancel his to prioritise yours, especially as he wouldn’t have known about your out of hours meeting when he arranged his schedule.

I work PT and would never interrupt DH’s FT job because I wanted to chair a meeting outside of my normal hours. I went PT especially so I could be responsible for school runs and holidays, so i wouldn’t expect DH to rearrange his work day to take the kids swimming. I wouldn’t disturb him unless it was an emergency eg child had an accident or I was stuck somewhere and couldn’t make it to school on time.

If you’re chairing the meeting why can’t you change it to within your contracted hours?

This is one of the reasons why being a woman in the workplace is so bloody hard

we’re employed to do the job, paid for that role and expected and supported to do that role

the responsibility by our bosses/organisations is given to us.

It’s simply unfair for our bosses to have to accept that the commitments we’ve made to them and them to us aren’t worth much when push comes to shove and they’re going to be the ones that are let down last minute, who will have us phoning in sick cos the kids aren’t well. The fact that this won’t ever get shared, that they’ll always take the hit, that our jobs are disposable, WILL make employers think carefully when presented with 2 candidates male and female or female with or without kids.

The H in this thread COULD ask for time to help out, but he doesn’t want to.

He doesn’t actually deserve a family if he’s not prepared to pitch and and be part of one

And who thinks it’s easy to suddenly magic up a childminder? You’re mad. It’s never that easy and totally avoidable for a one off situation IF someone was a team player.

It’s simply unfair for our bosses to have to accept that the commitments we’ve made to them and them to us aren’t worth much when push comes to shove and they’re going to be the ones that are let down last minute, who will have us phoning in sick cos the kids aren’t well. The fact that this won’t ever get shared, that they’ll always take the hit, that our jobs are disposable, WILL make employers think carefully when presented with 2 candidates male and female or female with or without kids.

What @MzHz said.

The OP is trying, desperately trying, to do what is best for everyone. Her family, her career, her employers...... and herself.

And never shall the circle be squared.

In this instance solely because her 'dear' husband - the father of said child FFS !!!! - cannot be arsed to make a simple adjust to his working day.

Adjustment...

"She needs.." Does she now? And he has noooo responsibility whatsoever.

In my house if someone is normally responsible for childcare at a particular time and they can't do it, it's their responsibility to sort out an alternative.
If this was a time that DH was meant to be the childcarer and couldn't for whatever reason, absolutely everyone on the thread would say it was his responsibility to sort out an alternative.

Agreeing a general overall strategy for childcare is, of course, both parents' responsbility.

Part of why women take such dramatic career bits by switching to part-time is because they also insist on ridiculous things like only working particular hours. As people climb the career ladder, they are often expected to work at unusual times for special circumstances. Career advancement and salary increases often require flexibility. Ironically, those increases often grant you even more flexibility. I have no contracted hours. I set my own schedule. For the most part people set meeting times to satisfy me. I’ve managed that being part time over a decade. Not every industry will be understanding, but in many you can enter the mommy track and still advance and earn well.

Far, far too much headache over a problem with a very simple solution.

He can pick them up, but bring them home so he can carry on WFH. Skip the swimming for that week.

In fact he has already offered that, but it's not good enough for OP who insists on this pointless risk to his career for the sake of keeping one swimming lesson.

@Driftingblue

Part of why women take such dramatic career bits by switching to part-time is because they also insist on ridiculous things like only working particular hours. As people climb the career ladder, they are often expected to work at unusual times for special circumstances. Career advancement and salary increases often require flexibility. Ironically, those increases often grant you even more flexibility. I have no contracted hours. I set my own schedule. For the most part people set meeting times to satisfy me. I’ve managed that being part time over a decade. Not every industry will be understanding, but in many you can enter the mommy track and still advance and earn well.

Career advancement and salary increases often require flexibility. Ironically, those increases often grant you even more flexibility. I have no contracted hours. I set my own schedule. ... in many (industries) you can enter the mommy track and still advance and earn well.

Over a decade - you've done well. I thought so too. But unless you are much better than your peers, and totally keep on top of everything, there's always a very real risk that you end up being sidelined. And even if you are much better than your peers, and totally keep on top of everything, if you stay out of the fray for much more than a decade, you may still find yourself being sidelined. Speaking from experience...

[quote Indecisivelurcher]@Porridgealert he's a good guy. Our marriage wouldn't pass a full health check but isn't awful either.[/quote]
It sounds like your marriage is in a worse state than you think. I can't imagine my DH with two weeks notice (or even two hours notice) not wanting to help me attend an important meeting or any other event that was important to me when it would be easy enough for him to do so. That's surely just human kindness towards someone you want the best for. Is this some kind of petty power struggle he is engaging in?

Not sure why people are adamant your husband needs to work 9-5 or that he's reached the limit of his boss' flexibility. It sounds like there would be no consequences at all for him to help you out, he just doesn't want to for some reason.

@Hont1986 I don’t think he has offered to do any pick ups with or without swimming

Apparently he’s said he’s thinking of going to the office!

Think your DH needs to ask for flexibility or take leave, If kids activity is too hard to accommodate he should at least be able to pick them up.
It's parenting and ideally it should be equally split.
Your meeting sounds important and being occasionally flexible and available for things like this is important for your career .
What would happen if you were full time , I assume you are working part time to take on most childcare so having children has almost zero effect on his working life??
Having kids and working does involve juggling for everyone, particularly if you have no family help, of course its difficult but he needs to step up .

I work part time too, as in reduced hours at a project-based professional job. And occasionally, I have to call on my WFH husband to pick up the school run. This can be because one kid has an emergency medical appointment during school run time. Or it can be because I have an important meeting in the afternoon and that hour was the best we could all do. Or a local work-related conference specific to my field comes up, and attending will enhance my subject knowledge and make it easier and more efficient to complete my own projects within my reduced hours.

Your meeting in person is a one-off, right? You've told your DH two weeks ahead of time. His line manager is flexible within reason. The one-off meeting will enhance your career, in the sense that you'll get to develop good relationships at work and keep yourself in a good position for increasing your hours someday when the time is right.

It's the school run, a swimming lesson, and he can genuinely just log on later and do a couple hours work into the evening? And it's a one-off? And his business won't fall apart if he's away for two hours in the afternoon? No one will die, or lose millions of pounds, or shit the bed while he's away from his desk?

He's being a baby. YANBU.

FWIW, I do remind management that if I am juggling kids during an out-of-hours meeting, then I might be on mute and only listening in. Or I might remind them that I need to speak with my DH first about childcare before committing to presenting at an out-of-hours meeting. But that's more like a courtesy thing than asking his permission. And it's not like he asks my permission if he has to go physically into the office or away on a business trip ... he just informs me.

YANBU to expect your DH to also do some childcare juggling. Not at all.

I'd be far more inclined to push back at work, given the circumstances, and not have an avoidable row about it at home. Generally though, while I always try to do the best job I can at work, I work to live rather than living to work, so YMMV

However, as the OP is not you and is serious about her career progression.

In busy work environments where people have multiple meetings and things to do within a deadline each week, it is not always possible to arrange things around one part time worker. They then need to make the decision whether they can make the meeting or not. It is not the job of full time people to facilitate the part time persons personal life.

In this case as the OP is more serious about her career than her husband then he should definitely take the hit - both this time as a one off and in future by dropping his hours so his wife can prioritise her career for a change.

I think I'd be upset and angry about if I had a DH who was sabotaging my career like yours is, and would see it as entitled misogyny on his part. You have been clear that this is an important work opportunity for you, and it is something you want to do. He has plenty of notice, and a job where he is allowed flexibility to make up hours.

OP hopefully sees SHE is seriously compromising HER career for a man who definitely doesn't have her back or their families.

She should be returning to full-time work and rethinking her marriage.

Someone who would sabotage you like this is not trustworthy.

Have a good hard look at what you do for HIM that makes his life easier and start cutting it out as you rethink your career prospects.

YANBU

@Maskedstranger

I think I'd be upset and angry about if I had a DH who was sabotaging my career like yours is, and would see it as entitled misogyny on his part. You have been clear that this is an important work opportunity for you, and it is something you want to do. He has plenty of notice, and a job where he is allowed flexibility to make up hours.

In a nutshell.

Just out of interest @Indecisivelurcher what did you end up doing?

Ugh. I left at 2pm to get back in time for school run and take the kids to swimming. It caused a serious fall out with dh, but he just could not see my point of view. I didn't pursue alternative childcare though because i looked up meeting attendees and judged that it would be fine, and it was indeed fine as we were pretty much done by then. So on this occasion it worked out. The principle stands though! I am still pissed about the whole thing really. But have new fish to fry!

@Indecisivelurcher glad it worked out ok work wise - best of luck with the dh stuff!!

Just never ever help him in the future
Sad as that is. If it’s the road he wants to go down then that’s up to him

Did he actually go into the office