Aibu to expect dh to cover looking after kids so I can attend work meeting

[Indecisivelurcher]

I am part time and finish at 3pm, do kids pick ups, sort dinner etc. Occasionally I am asked to attend a meeting that goes beyond 3pm. Aibu to expect dh to be able to help out? Normally he would be able to collect kids and stick telly on. On this occasion kids have something on after school that he'd have to take them to. I want to attend as its a face to face with colleagues I havent seen since pre-covid, and I'm running the meeting. The date is a recurring one so not easy to change, it's usually on teams and finishes before school, this is a longer one to accommodate face to face. I think dh should take 2hrs off and catch up the time. He is wfh. He thinks I shouldn't attend meeting. Who is being unreasonable?

Forget the word help. How is he helping by looking after his own children. Of course he should do it.

I think anyway that I'll still go but only until 1pm instead of 3.
Unless dh changes his mind.

Fuck that. He’s being an arsehole.

Yes, yes, it’s not the usual agreement but it’s important on this particular occasion that you are there in person to kick off a project, and he is not required in person on this occasion as his work is fairly quiet and flexible this month.

I’d suggest to him that if he ever thinks he’ll need some leeway in work pattern in the future from you - travel away from home, whatever - that he thinks again because you see how the land lies in priorities.

I’d go to the meeting for the full time and tell him it is his choice as to whether to take the DC to swimming or put them in front of the TV.

I would not choose the DC’s swimming lesson over your career.

Sounds like DH is already doing a fair bit of juggling and is normally good about covering OP's extra hours. So I don't get the vitriol. There tends to be a point where you can't ask for even more flexibility in even a fairly flexible job, and it sounds like DH may have hit it.

I also think this is very much a case of if the sexes were reversed and OP was asking if her DH was being unreasonable to ask her to take time off work to look after their children when he was meant to do it but had decided he wanted to work extra hours, there would be very different answers.

I honestly don't see why this is a big deal. Find another parent to bring the DC home from school if DH can't/won't do it. DH seems perfectly happy to do minimal supervision for them in front of the television while he continues to work. They are going to have years of swimming lessons and this won't be the only one that they miss.

If you can do all you need to do, at the meeting, then leave in time to get back for the kids, that's great!

100% he should help out. No question at all.
I would move to a 50:50 arrangement pretty quickly if my dh ever dared to even think about complaining.

Could they reschedule the early part of the day to be your workshop, finishing at 1pm so you don't have to stay late?

But generally yes, your DH should be flexible with his work where possible (and, as you've pointed out, this should be possible). You've taken a huge hit on your career in going PT, and any further hits should be his to take, not yours. Out of interest, was there ever a discussion about whether he should go PT instead of you?

@LannieDuck yes that's what I'm trying to sort out now. I'll go until 1:30.

And if he refused to pick up I’d ask grandparents very kindly if they would take the DC to theirs for tea for an extra afternoon and then they’d still miss swimming.

Seriously, no one should be prioritising the swimming over your project kick-off meeting.

You are right @NoSquirrels I suppose I'm being stubborn now by not 'asking' him to do pick up on that day and saying let's forget about swimming. He's being stubborn now saying he might want to go to the office on that day!

Of course he should be on parent duty for those two hours. You have given him two weeks notice and he has a flexible boss who wouldn’t cause trouble for him if he takes two hours off. I can’t believe he is refusing. There is no way you should miss the work meeting if you’re playing such an integral role in it! Just go to the meeting and phone him at 3 to remind him to get the kids!

I cannot imagine a man ever posting on mumsnet in a quandary about whether to attend an important work meeting as he was on school run duty!!!!!

He’s being a ‘rules are rules’ twat. Yes, work shouldn’t have assumed you could stay and yes, sometimes you have to push back but equally sometimes it’s just much better all round if you can graciously flex. I assume you don’t ‘selfishly’ arrange work meetings on his days very frequently?

Also I think describing your work meeting as something you could possibly be being selfish’ about in your thread title is bonkers. Look at the dynamic of how you’re talking about your career there.

If he has done flexibility with work (ie, can make the hours up, or take a few hours A/L). My husband has to do this when I need to go somewhere, like the dentist, or recently I had to call into work for a few hours whilst on maternity to meet my manager. There is an expectation I'm my role that occasionally you don't get to leave on time, it's just one of those things 🤷🏼‍♀️ if he has two weeks to request and negotiate with his boss he is being unreasonable to not even try help resolve it. If his boss says no (as it's within his contracted hours), then it's back to the drawing board 🤷🏼‍♀️

@NoSquirrels

I think anyway that I'll still go but only until 1pm instead of 3. Unless dh changes his mind.

Fuck that. He’s being an arsehole.

Yes, yes, it’s not the usual agreement but it’s important on this particular occasion that you are there in person to kick off a project, and he is not required in person on this occasion as his work is fairly quiet and flexible this month.

I’d suggest to him that if he ever thinks he’ll need some leeway in work pattern in the future from you - travel away from home, whatever - that he thinks again because you see how the land lies in priorities.

I’d go to the meeting for the full time and tell him it is his choice as to whether to take the DC to swimming or put them in front of the TV.

I would not choose the DC’s swimming lesson over your career.

Well said ^^ If the kids miss their lessons it's down to him, not you. Don't bow to 'mum guilt'. You've made it very clear why this workshop is an important event for you. Go for the full time and put the responsibility for the day's organisation on his shoulders.

It sounds like he is already being quite flexible with work around the pick ups and drop offs and may feel concerned about being seen as expendable by work. My boss understands that I'm having a lot of problems with elderly parents at the moment and is very understanding dvout me needing to have calls with social services in work time and finish early sometimes. BUT I'm very careful about how often I do it as there is usually redundancies in head office staff towards the end of the year and however understanding my boss is, others may view me differently if my absences affect their projects.

I also think this is very much a case of if the sexes were reversed and OP was asking if her DH was being unreasonable to ask her to take time off work to look after their children when he was meant to do it but had decided he wanted to work extra hours, there would be very different answers.
Well no shit Sherlock the answers would be very different because it is a different situation, the fact being that women's careers suffer when they have children and men's do not, as a general rule. The chance of the OP being a man in a part time job to look after the dc is still very, very small indeed.

He should cover but I don't think my employer would be impressed if I asked to do that. My DP is more flexible than me so it's something I may ask him to do but I wouldn't expect it as it's out of your working hours. In that case I think you are BU.

I’m going to guess that he’s not a heart surgeon whos scheduled for surgery?

Honestly I’ve worked with so many men in corporate jobs and it used to astound how much they fucked about and wasted time at work. Of course he can either take it as flexi time or take the afternoon off. He is VERY clearly telling you that you and your careee are not even remotely important to him.

Frankly that would be making me realise how even more important it was for me to keep pushing on my own career so when I inevitably get to the point where I realise I can’t stay with such a dickhead I then have my career to fall back on.

@Indecisivelurcher

You are right *@NoSquirrels* I suppose I'm being stubborn now by not 'asking' him to do pick up on that day and saying let's forget about swimming. He's being stubborn now saying he might want to go to the office on that day!

Ah yes the old ' I have to be in the office' that day line. He is sabotaging your career progression. Twat

Indecisivelurcher

PlanDeRaccordement

So someone put it on your calendar without running it by you? I would be livid. I would be changing that meeting. You’re running it so it is essential that it be in YOUR scheduled hours.

Hmm this is pretty normal in my work and doesn't make me mad. If I can't go then they will still have the meeting, but it will be about something else. I'll just have missed a good opportunity to get people's thinking on my project, and the opportunity to see colleagues in the flesh.

YABU

I can see why your DH is pissed off as it’s obviously a regular occurrence & you allow it by not pushing back; part time means part time. If you don’t say anything & accommodate your workplace each time then they’ll keep doing. From your OP I thought this was a one off type situation but if you regularly expect your DH to change his hours because you’re a people pleaser & can’t say no then I’m with him on this.

While his workplace might be flexible, it sounds like he’s already juggling his hours as it is.

If it’s outside of your contracted working hours but within his, then ask if he can be flexible and have the kids but if he can’t then his work takes priority over hours as he is contracted to be working and you’re not. Presumable he earns a full time salary as that’s what he’s contracted to do, whereas you earn a part time salary because you’re contracted to do that. So asking him to stop working when he’s being paid so you can work when you’re not being paid….as a one off with plenty of notice then maybe, but if he can’t then I don’t think you can be pissy with him.

If there are wider issues then deal with those but as an isolated incident, YANBU to ask the question but YABU to expect the answer to be yes and be cross if it’s not. A lot of PPs raging that ‘he’s a parent too’ seem to be overlooking the fact that it’s his working hours and the OP’s parenting hours.

I'd also suggest that IME, "being flexible" and accommodating things like all day meetings if you are part time is never appreciated. Which is another reason why OP should push back on working the extra hours.

I don't understand why you need to leave the meeting at 1pm if you normally work until 3pm. Did you work at home before Covid, or did you have after school childcare sorted that you've since cancelled?

Of course he can either take it as flexi time or take the afternoon off. He is VERY clearly telling you that you and your careee are not even remotely important to him.

What an oddly aggressive and unreasonable attitude. I have a well paid professional job and don’t have flexi time as a matter of course and I can’t just ‘take an afternoon off’ because of personal preference, I have to take something called annual leave. And I wouldn’t want to waste it on accommodating my partner working when they’re not being paid to! Some posters on here are so….angry! There is literally nothing to suggest that the OP’s husband doesn’t think her work is ‘remotely important’!

Im amazed at the people suggesting he’s already been flexible so can’t be asked to do any more, whilst OP has been FAR more flexible and that’s not even worthy of note.

@Queenoftheashes

He can just work late, start early and take the two hours off. There’s clearly nothing stopping him.

Only the fact that his hours are 9-5.

I mainly worked from home pre covid, 1 day in the office. My mum would usually help me in this scenario but they are shielding as her husband has cancer.