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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to expect dh to cover looking after kids so I can attend work meeting

235 replies

Indecisivelurcher · 10/09/2021 13:04

I am part time and finish at 3pm, do kids pick ups, sort dinner etc. Occasionally I am asked to attend a meeting that goes beyond 3pm. Aibu to expect dh to be able to help out? Normally he would be able to collect kids and stick telly on. On this occasion kids have something on after school that he'd have to take them to. I want to attend as its a face to face with colleagues I havent seen since pre-covid, and I'm running the meeting. The date is a recurring one so not easy to change, it's usually on teams and finishes before school, this is a longer one to accommodate face to face. I think dh should take 2hrs off and catch up the time. He is wfh. He thinks I shouldn't attend meeting. Who is being unreasonable?

OP posts:
SquirrelFan · 10/09/2021 13:50

Can he not take a laptop and work in the car whilst the children are at the lesson? From what I've read on here, parents aren't really allowed to hang about inside these days.

SimonedeBeauvoirscat · 10/09/2021 13:52

I do agree though that your work does not sound very family friendly and I’d be pushing back against this if it became a regular thing. Part time means part time - it doesn’t mean extra time for free.

Clymene · 10/09/2021 13:52

He's a bit of a wanker isn't he?

PlanDeRaccordement · 10/09/2021 13:52

Neither of you is more important than the other. So what you have is a schedule conflict where you both need to be working. So you should both work together on making alternate arrangements or dropping the kids after school activity for those day(s) or skipping it for that one day. I don’t understand the he should/she should do it attitude that just starts arguments.

A side note, it is odd that work is scheduling you to run a meeting outside your normal working hours. I think you are being taken advantage of here, why can’t the meeting be done during your normal working hours? And it isn’t clear if this is a one off or will become a regular weekly/monthly/quarterly thing.

Secondly, most FT WFH jobs don’t allow you to just stop at 3pm for the day. Your DH would need permission especially if in a client facing role where he is supposed to be available during usual work day hours.

LittleOwl153 · 10/09/2021 13:53

In this situation - given it is clearly important to you work I think I would be saying - well I am working too so what are WE going to do about it.

Make your work non-negotiable - that is the problem he sees your job as the negotiable aspect...

Original poster
Indecisivelurcher · 10/09/2021 13:54

@Seasonschange

I think it’s really out of order for your work to arrange meetings that you’re leading when you’re not working. You should have said no when it was first suggested.
Unfortunately it was arranged when I was on 3 weeks leave over the school summer holidays. I got back in on Tuesday to discover it in my calendar. Its an all day thing and drive time means I won't be back for 3. If I say no then I am putting 15 other people out. Managing to find a date everyone can do is a logistical pain in the arse. If I say I can't then colleagues will be understanding but I'll feel crappy. Plus I want to see these colleagues, it's been 18m.
OP posts:
YetAnotherSpartacus · 10/09/2021 13:56

He shouldn't 'help out' he should do his fair 50% at all times.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 10/09/2021 13:58

Or a fair proportion if you are part-time or you should negotiate a fair division of paid and unpaid labour.

PlanDeRaccordement · 10/09/2021 13:59

So someone put it on your calendar without running it by you? I would be livid. I would be changing that meeting. You’re running it so it is essential that it be in YOUR scheduled hours.

BikeRunSki · 10/09/2021 14:00

The DC need to miss their swimming lesson.
With DC starting school, it doesn’t feel like the family/employer flexibility can accommodate any more.

Queenoftheashes · 10/09/2021 14:02

He can just work late, start early and take the two hours off. There’s clearly nothing stopping him.

SeasonFinale · 10/09/2021 14:04

@BluebellsGreenbells

He not ‘helping’ he’s parenting!
Actually he would be working! So whereas I would usually agree why would he not work to facilitate an activity that usually takes place within his working hours?

Surely there is a friend who would be able to help out who is perhaps going to the same activity. And you would be able to return the favour at some point,

Original poster
Indecisivelurcher · 10/09/2021 14:04

@PlanDeRaccordement

So someone put it on your calendar without running it by you? I would be livid. I would be changing that meeting. You’re running it so it is essential that it be in YOUR scheduled hours.
Hmm this is pretty normal in my work and doesn't make me mad. If I can't go then they will still have the meeting, but it will be about something else. I'll just have missed a good opportunity to get people's thinking on my project, and the opportunity to see colleagues in the flesh.
OP posts:
Original poster
Indecisivelurcher · 10/09/2021 14:05

@Queenoftheashes

He can just work late, start early and take the two hours off. There’s clearly nothing stopping him.
Well, that's what I thought.
OP posts:
SeasonFinale · 10/09/2021 14:09

Why if you are running the meeting have you set it for outside your normal working hours? If someone else has put it in the diary for then you rearrange it to within your working hours and send them an email to explain why it is rearranged.

If you have 2 weeks notice to sort this perhaps the parents who help out on a certain day could even switch days.

UserAtLargeAgain · 10/09/2021 14:09

If your meeting is an all day thing then can't you just leave at your normal time so you are back for school pickup? Rejig the agenda for the bits you need to be there for if needed. That also makes the point that you shouldn't be expected to work out of your contracted hours.

Beamur · 10/09/2021 14:11

Let's assume there's a good reason for the DH being inflexible.
So, you're both working. Neither of you can look after the children.
Is there someone else you can ask?
Obviously you both need to make sure this doesn't keep happening or if it is, have a plan for how you deal with it.

Original poster
Indecisivelurcher · 10/09/2021 14:15

More questions about the meeting... The meeting is a recurring one that is usually on teams and usually finishes before 3. This time its face to face and drive time means I won't be back. I was asked, or 'invited' I suppose, by managers, to use this session to workshop a new project I'm leading, which is a bit innovative. So this is an opportunity to workshop the project and get input from wider colleagues. Which is difficult to do over teams. If I say I can't then then I suppose I feel its a missed opportunity for me. I would need to set up my own meeting and might not get such a good turn out.

I think anyway that I'll still go but only until 1pm instead of 3.
Unless dh changes his mind. He's sorry we had an argument. But doesn't think he ibu.

OP posts:
Queenoftheashes · 10/09/2021 14:17

Well I think he’s being a cock!

DowntonCrabby · 10/09/2021 14:18

It’s not helping/ covering it’s fucking parenting. You need to up your standards and expectations OP.

dammit88 · 10/09/2021 14:21

I think YABU, but mostly because your work are. I would attend the meeting during your normal working hours and then leave - if its just the drive time that means you wont be back it can't be being cut all that short.

Beautiful3 · 10/09/2021 14:23

Can you reschedule them to run within your working hours? Or run them from home via zoom? I don't think asking your partner to leave work early, is the answer for something that's going to reoccur. Its kind of saying that your jobs more important than his?

Clymene · 10/09/2021 14:27

But this is a meeting that the OP is leading. This is a workshop that will be important for the OP's career and the fact is that her husband is deliberately being obstructive. He could rearrange his work to support her, but he doesn't want to.

Tells you a lot about the kind of man he is.

PrincessNutella · 10/09/2021 14:28

If it is a 9-5 job, then you are being unreasonable.

ThePluckOfTheCoward · 10/09/2021 14:30

Your DH is being deliberately difficult and I would make it clear I was going to the meeting and he will have to cover and if he doesn't take them to swimming then he will be responsible for them missing out and the waste of money. FGS it's two hours of his working day that he can easily make up at the beginning or end of the day. It's one day and probably a one off, why is he being so inflexible, they are his DC as well, FGS.