Aibu to expect dh to cover looking after kids so I can attend work meeting

[Indecisivelurcher]

I am part time and finish at 3pm, do kids pick ups, sort dinner etc. Occasionally I am asked to attend a meeting that goes beyond 3pm. Aibu to expect dh to be able to help out? Normally he would be able to collect kids and stick telly on. On this occasion kids have something on after school that he'd have to take them to. I want to attend as its a face to face with colleagues I havent seen since pre-covid, and I'm running the meeting. The date is a recurring one so not easy to change, it's usually on teams and finishes before school, this is a longer one to accommodate face to face. I think dh should take 2hrs off and catch up the time. He is wfh. He thinks I shouldn't attend meeting. Who is being unreasonable?

@RacistAngst

If the shoe was on the other side, would he expect you to jump through hoops to facilitate his work?

I suspect so, not the least because you working part time with the right sort of hours already does that.

If he expects you to do that, then so he should

I’d expect DH to step in tbh. (And maybe for the dcs. to miss swimming for once)

But he already changed a load of his hours for Sept to accommodate childcare. He doesn't work flexi hours. He has to get permission for changes. He feels he's pushed his luck as much as he can. WFH does not equal flexi time.

YABU

the meeting should be in your paid working hours, if it's going to be a longer meeting it should be scheduled to start earlier. Your workplace shouldn't expect you to stay over.

How much notice did you give your partner, for me to take time off I have to give 2 weeks notice and that's working somewhere that I am pretty flexible (in that I can make time up rather than book annual leave)

@MayorGoodwaysChicken - oof! The big I am?! Having my cake and eating it?! I am bloody not!
Trying to maintain my career in a part time capacity while the kids are little, do the lions share of childcare, cooking and fair share of cleaning, and have a life of my own is a bloody juggle, compromises everywhere. The have your cake and eat it line is a load of crap.

Interesting that you jump in to defend yourself yet you’re quite happy to sit back and see your DH get his character ripped apart.

@Dyrne

Interesting that you jump in to defend yourself yet you’re quite happy to sit back and see your DH get his character ripped apart.

I don't think I've done that. I've said he does his fair share. Obviously I'm here because I'm cross with him on this occasion, but also because I am genuinely not sure if iabu or not!

Does you DH respect your career and really support you working? or does he see it as your 'little' job that is fine as long as it fits around him and the children. Do you 'compare' calendars and agree things like this in advance, as equals?

The fact is that even when you are part-time, if you have a good career level position then there will be occassions when you are needed to work slightly longer or fit in with an all-dayer. I don't think this is unreasonable actually.

Personally I would tell him that he needs to collect the children and they can miss swimming. It's one lesson. Put yourself first for once.

I think your work is important.
And I think DH's work is important.
I think the swimming lesson is not important, so you should ask DH just to pick the DC up from school or find another school parent to do that.

If this was a day without a swimming lesson, would this be a non-issue?

I wonder how many times the women on this thread tell their husbands they won't look after the children if a meeting overruns or there's a conference to attend or a breakfast meeting or evening dinner?

Never I suspect. The lack of respect for women trying to maintain their careers is shocking.

But @Porridgealert he did not facilitate childcare because it was his responsibility just as much as the OP.
He hasn’t done anything completely out there. He has just been a normal father looking after his dcs. It just so happens that this month is harder work. So what? It happens.

@Clymene

I wonder how many times the women on this thread tell their husbands they won't look after the children if a meeting overruns or there's a conference to attend or a breakfast meeting or evening dinner?

Never I suspect. The lack of respect for women trying to maintain their careers is shocking.

I agree. The default position for men and women is to assume that women’s career/work is never as important as theirs…

@Indecisivelurcher - you are definitely NOT unreasonable.

I haven't read the full thread, but some of the views expressed here are frankly extraordinary, not to say prehistoric.

Women will never gain parity with men if they forever put their own interests and careers second, while men plough full steam ahead, irrespective of the children they have fathered.

@Clymene

But this is a meeting that the OP is leading. This is a workshop that will be important for the OP's career and the fact is that her husband is deliberately being obstructive. He could rearrange his work to support her, but he doesn't want to.

Tells you a lot about the kind of man he is.

But it isn't, if you read OPs comments the meeting would happen even if she wasn't their. Someone leading a meeting would send invites out during timeframes that suit them. The OP wants to use this meeting to discuss her project

A lot of the posters on here seem to be entirely overlooking the fact that this is work outside of the OP’s contracted hours and inside her husband’s. Therefore they do not have equal ‘claim’ on that time as working time.

If the OP expects her work to be treated with the same importance as her husbands (and I accept a lot of this is coming from other posters rather than the OP herself) then why did she go part time? He is now earning the majority of the family’s income, proportional to his contracted working hours. His work is no more important than hers within their contracted hours but when it’s his working time and not hers, because she has reduced her hours to look after the children, then yes his work does take priority in that time in my view and she is responsible for the childcare because that is her job in that time. Yes if there can be some flexibility then that’s great and she’s not unreasonable to ask but he’s already messed around with his hours around school starting and has said he can’t do that any more, which is fair enough.

@Clymene talks about respect for women trying to maintain their careers-in my view that’s just not the issue here. The OP has herself chosen to work part time - surely if maintaining her career was her priority she wouldn’t have done that. When I said ‘having her cake and eating it’ upthread that’s what I meant-you can’t reduce your hours to spend time with your children, reduce your financial contribution accordingly, then expect your work to take priority over the primary breadwinner

Also, a lot of assumptions that the OP is trying to advance her career - is that actually the case? Surely increasing to full time would be step one in that goal? You can very rarely do anything other than maintain your current level at less than a 30 hour week in my experience.

I wonder how many times the women on this thread tell their husbands they won't look after the children if a meeting overruns or there's a conference to attend or a breakfast meeting or evening dinner?

If I'm also working, then all the time. We sort out alternative childcare or he doesn't go (if he was the designated childcarer at that time). I'm sure quite a lot of working women would say the same.

I wonder how many times the women on this thread tell their husbands they won't look after the children if a meeting overruns or there's a conference to attend or a breakfast meeting or evening dinner?

Dh would never expect me to look after the kids during my working hours.

@UserAtLargeAgain

I wonder how many times the women on this thread tell their husbands they won't look after the children if a meeting overruns or there's a conference to attend or a breakfast meeting or evening dinner?

If I'm also working, then all the time. We sort out alternative childcare or he doesn't go (if he was the designated childcarer at that time). I'm sure quite a lot of working women would say the same.

Agreed. DH and I both work a four day week and regularly ask each other to shuffle things to accommodate a meeting on a non working day - sometimes we can and sometimes we can’t but the person who is contracted to be working that day takes priority and the other one helps if they can, but isn’t stropped at if the answer is no!

I’m sorry but I still think YABU. He doesn’t work flexi but you do. He’s already taking his boss’ goodwill to limits by flexing various times for Reception settling in. I work the “big” job in our relationship and It’s nothing about the fact he’s a man. If it’s a super important meeting worth using up half a day’s leave for then I would do it but ultimately you have the flexible job, not him!

Everyone’s work - whether FT & main wage earner or PT and lower-earning - is equally important in my household.

Yes, if PT you have more time to cover childcare. And you shouldn’t routinely work past your hours and put upon the other person so that they need to inconvenience their employer unnecessarily. Because that would breed resentment.

But sometimes shit comes up that is important to flex for - and this is one of those occasions. Strictly sticking to the ‘it was your day to do childcare so no I won’t even discuss solutions’ is unfair and dismissive. It’s starting an hour early or working an hour late, and moving an hour’s lunch break. It’s a manager who’s already sympathetic and a month where the work is lighter. To not do risks breeding resentment too. The threat to go into the office is plain mean with 2 weeks’ notice.

Fine, her DH might ‘feel’ he’s at the limit of flex with the reception/new school year arrangements. But women have to come up against this uncomfortable ‘feeling’ all the time and work through it. There’s usually no choice.

It’s not the moon on a stick. I absolutely would go to the meeting and I would tell DH he needed on this occasion to support me. Fine, that could go hand-in-hand with reminding her work not to book meetings past her working hours - but they didn’t do that, actually. So she does have to be there really, and this is just one of those occasions when the regular pattern needs a solution - ideally from the other parent.

All this he’s 9-5 and it’s not flexible time - yes, but he has 2 weeks notice and a solution will be possible. Asking his DP to rearrange many other people and take the DC swimming ‘as agreed’ is dumbass if he could just take the time for the school run and stick them in front of the TV like he’s dine previously.

I should have enabled voting! Seems to be a right old mix of responses.

@shouldistop

I wonder how many times the women on this thread tell their husbands they won't look after the children if a meeting overruns or there's a conference to attend or a breakfast meeting or evening dinner?

Dh would never expect me to look after the kids during my working hours.

But he would expect you to look after them outside his normal working hours to facilitate his career I'm guessing?

And you really wouldn't take a few hours' leave or make up the time if that was easy to do in your role so that he could do a presentation on a project that was really important to his career progression?

That's rather mean.

A lot of the posters on here seem to be entirely overlooking the fact that this is work outside of the OP’s contracted hours and inside her husband’s.

It’s not, though.

Meeting runs til 3pm, she’s contracted to 3pm.

Usually she WFH, this time it’s in the office. It’s the commute time home on this one occasion that’s the issue.

Shit comes up sometimes, like in-person meetings or travel somewhere that disrupts the usual arrangement. I’m sure it comes up sometimes for her DH too. Working as a team means give and take.

He’s not on flexi time or flexi hours he’s 9-5. He’s in office (albeit at home) and has already asked boss if he can alter hours for 4 Mondays. Boss sounds sensible but it’s a don’t take the piss type thing. If OP had said he needed to cover extra pick up with more notice then he probably could easily have lumped it in the vary my hours on these days due to x starting school request. It’s a favour from boss otherwise he’d need to book leave. He may not be able to book leave at short notice.
If you are working you are working. I wouldn’t be comfortable sitting in public pool for 2 hours when I should be in office. I’ve wfh for years and you need to treat it same as in office. He works there, he knows what is acceptable. Op sounds like she’s in a proper flexi set up and able to drop hours as she pleases. Totally different set up. If he needs to work 37 hours then he needs to do it. He’s lucky boss is sensible and allows some wiggle room but all it takes it someone taking piss snd they’ll clamp down.

@RacistAngst

But *@Porridgealert he did not facilitate childcare* because it was his responsibility just as much as the OP. He hasn’t done anything completely out there. He has just been a normal father looking after his dcs. It just so happens that this month is harder work. So what? It happens.

When I was a child, my dad worked fixed hours and my mum stated home and looked after me. Different times I know. She looked after the house and us during the day. At night dad would share looking after us. During the day mum had to take nevto all my appointmemts etc. Sometimes she had something on so Dad would take half a days leave and take me. But if mum hascstaeted to do it regularly so dad hadcto take me, it would have been a problem fir The ops husband works from home. He has fixed hours. They worked out a plan for the school year. Sept was tricky because of their child, so ops husband moved hours etc, even though he's not on flexi, to accommodate the children. He did it because he's their father. He did his share as agreed with op. But when he did that, he had to get agreement from his manager who is accommodating but only to a certain point. The ops husband believes he's reached that point. The op is quite clear that her husband does his fair share. It's the op that has brought the problem about - although she isnt to blame at all - by wanting yo attend a meeting during her husbands working hours but he doesn't feel he can blag any more hours off. How is he being unfair? He doesn't deserve praise for looking after his children any more than op does. But he works FT and fixed hours. He can't change his hours to accommodate ops out of hours meeting. I'm totally for the ops husband supporting the ops career. Totally. But as far as I can see he has done that in the past. It's just this month, because of the "crazy" hours, him taking more hours off is a problem. I think people have got into thinking WFH is working whenever you feel like it as long as the work gets done. But for some companies that's not true. And if they're ever looking for people to get rid of, the ones that give them the most headache will be top of the list.

[quote Porridgealert]@Naunet. They made an agreement at the beginning of the month what childcare hours each were doing and he arranged it and got permission from his boss who is accommodating to a certain point. Her husband feels he's,reached that point. Yes, he could ask but sometimes you know asking would not be good. He doesn't work flexi time, he has fixed hours from 9-5 so every time he needs to stop work, he has to get permission. It can wear very thin on a manager very quickly.
This is down to the organisation on ops,side not his. When this has happened before her husband has covered the childcare but because he has made so many changes already this month, he feels can't do anymore. I dont think he is being unreasonable.[/quote]
So why is it ok for OP, who has made bigger changes, to make another?

I also don’t see where OP said her husband felt he couldn’t ask because he’d be pushing his luck? You also didn’t explain why he can’t just book two hours off?