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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to expect dh to cover looking after kids so I can attend work meeting

235 replies

Indecisivelurcher · 10/09/2021 13:04

I am part time and finish at 3pm, do kids pick ups, sort dinner etc. Occasionally I am asked to attend a meeting that goes beyond 3pm. Aibu to expect dh to be able to help out? Normally he would be able to collect kids and stick telly on. On this occasion kids have something on after school that he'd have to take them to. I want to attend as its a face to face with colleagues I havent seen since pre-covid, and I'm running the meeting. The date is a recurring one so not easy to change, it's usually on teams and finishes before school, this is a longer one to accommodate face to face. I think dh should take 2hrs off and catch up the time. He is wfh. He thinks I shouldn't attend meeting. Who is being unreasonable?

OP posts:
MzHz · 10/09/2021 15:02

@Indecisivelurcher

Sorry if I wasn't clear. Dh does not work flexi time, it's a 9-5 job. But he happens to have a relaxed line manager who bends the rules himself and allows dh the same approach, within reason. The last 2 words being important.
And this request IS within reason

I’d read him the riot act tbh, your career takes a hit and you’re still juggling 3 days childcare and a job.

I’d be livid he’s not even willing to run it by his boss!

Dixiechickonhols · 10/09/2021 15:04

As a one off and in a flexible wfh job I’d say he should do (I wouldn’t do swimming if supposed to be at work - school pick up more explainable) but with added info that you are both messing around hours all month due to reception intro I think he’s not unreasonable. Everyone has a gauge of how much wiggle is acceptable in their workplace. If he’s already less visibly around due to reception then adding another day in mix could well be step too far.
Your work doesn’t sound great adding in meeting after work hours with not much notice - with more he could have booked annual leave or sorted childcare.

UserAtLargeAgain · 10/09/2021 15:04

@Naunet

Im amazed at the people suggesting he’s already been flexible so can’t be asked to do any more, whilst OP has been FAR more flexible and that’s not even worthy of note.
OP works flexitime and DH doesn't so it's much easier for her to -er - work flexibly as she doesn't have to get it approved by a manager every time.
Original poster
Indecisivelurcher · 10/09/2021 15:05

@DiscoLightsOnAFridayNight I meant it's normal to have a meeting invite sent without asking me first. NOT that they are often outside my working hours. This is a one off. Maybe happens once every few months at most and I usually manage without asking dh to make a change. He doesn't like that this month is crackers thanks to school being so slow.

OP posts:
Porridgealert · 10/09/2021 15:05

@Clymene

He's a bit of a wanker isn't he?
Why is he? He works fixed hours of 9-5. This month he's already asked for permission to move hours round. He can only do that within reason. He feels he is at that point now. They agreed in advance who would do which days. I don't see how he's been unreasonable. Why do people think working from home equates to doing whatever hours you like?
Original poster
Indecisivelurcher · 10/09/2021 15:07

Yes I work flexi time BUT I am supposed to work set hours and times not just willy nilly, at the mo in working hugely random times and averaging 15hrs not 24.

OP posts:
Naunet · 10/09/2021 15:08

OP works flexitime and DH doesn't so it's much easier for her to -er - work flexibly as she doesn't have to get it approved by a manager every time

Well that’s rather selective reading. OP has already described the culture at his place of work, and it doesn’t sound like this would be a problem at all. Aside from that, it’s irrelevant to taking a couple of hours leave, and she’s already stated why she needs to be at this meeting, which isn’t so flexible.

Porridgealert · 10/09/2021 15:09

@MzHz
"And this request IS within reason
I’d read him the riot act tbh, your career takes a hit and you’re still juggling 3 days childcare and a job.
I’d be livid he’s not even willing to run it by his boss

But he's already made a load of changes this month and he feels he can't make anymore changes or it will be a problem at work. He works 9-5, not flexi.

Porridgealert · 10/09/2021 15:11

@Naunet. He's already made loads of changes this month so he's not against making changes so if he says he can't because of work, why wouldn't you believe him.

Naunet · 10/09/2021 15:15

[quote Porridgealert]@Naunet. He's already made loads of changes this month so he's not against making changes so if he says he can't because of work, why wouldn't you believe him.[/quote]
Maybe because he thinks he can simply say no and that’s the end of it, he doesn’t see childcare for HIS children, as his issue to resolve, he just bats it back to OP to deal with. That’s not an attitude that would demonstrate he’s keen to help resolve the issue.

Porridgealert · 10/09/2021 15:18

@sashagabadon

100% he should help out. No question at all. I would move to a 50:50 arrangement pretty quickly if my dh ever dared to even think about complaining.
But he works twice as many hours as her. Why should he do half the childcare?
JSL52 · 10/09/2021 15:18

@Indecisivelurcher

With ds starting school we had agreed that Monday is his day to juggle the kids. Tuesday his parents help. Wednesday, Thursday, Friday are me. I can do long work hours at the start of the week and short at the end. Ugh. Sorry this is proving complicated, and not all that interesting!!!
Why is it so unequal? He does one day , you do three.
Naunet · 10/09/2021 15:18

[quote Porridgealert]@Naunet. He's already made loads of changes this month so he's not against making changes so if he says he can't because of work, why wouldn't you believe him.[/quote]
By the way, it’s not “loads of changes”, it’s one change to one day a week.

With ds starting school we had agreed that Monday is his day to juggle the kids. Tuesday his parents help. Wednesday, Thursday, Friday are me. I can do long work hours at the start of the week and short at the end. Ugh. Sorry this is proving complicated, and not all that interesting!!!

Scienceisnotopinion · 10/09/2021 15:20

I would stop contributing to the flower found from now on, since its obviously not being used anymore

Di11y · 10/09/2021 15:20

Not great to miss swimming, but if they do can the kids attend school after school club?

dilmor · 10/09/2021 15:22

I had a meeting yesterday on teams and dp is at home and I asked him to look after dc whilst I did meeting. Internet connection was bad so it kept disconnecting. I had to participate in meeting whilst kids ran in to where I was. I know im not bu because I told him I had meeting and asked him to watch dc

Porridgealert · 10/09/2021 15:26

@Naunet. They made an agreement at the beginning of the month what childcare hours each were doing and he arranged it and got permission from his boss who is accommodating to a certain point. Her husband feels he's,reached that point. Yes, he could ask but sometimes you know asking would not be good. He doesn't work flexi time, he has fixed hours from 9-5 so every time he needs to stop work, he has to get permission. It can wear very thin on a manager very quickly.
This is down to the organisation on ops,side not his. When this has happened before her husband has covered the childcare but because he has made so many changes already this month, he feels can't do anymore. I dont think he is being unreasonable.

Porridgealert · 10/09/2021 15:31

@Naunet. I think its more than that during the settling in period this month. Op wrote...
"This month is crazy as ds is starting school 2hrs per day and doesn't go full time until 30 Sept, so we are both scrabbling around a bit. I think that's contributing to dh saying no"

gamerchick · 10/09/2021 15:32

@Indecisivelurcher

He hasn't offered that no. He's said he's working and I need to change the meeting or not go. I think he would be cross the kids would miss swimming!
Would he now? Hmm quite the king dick isn't he?

Resentment sets in with this sort of stuff. I wouldn't appeal to his better nature, I'd be spelling some shit out so he's under no illusions on my observations and what that bollocks can do to a marriage.

Sceptre86 · 10/09/2021 15:46

Your dh is being unreasonable and I would be mighty pissed off that he can't see it. He could pick the kids up and have them miss swimming one week and then carry on working. Or with two weeks notice he could ask for the afternoon off so that he can have the kids and whether he takes them swimming or not would be up to him.

The meeting is important because you have been asked to chair it. Also it isn't as though it is outside your working hours normally so I would expect him to be flexible for you. Your boss has given you an opportunity and by cutting it short or saying you can't do it you aren't then taking advantage of this chance. As your dh he should be supportive of your career and I think his reluctance to make any adjustments for you is quite telling. I really wouldn't be impressed.

MayorGoodwaysChicken · 10/09/2021 15:49

*Indecisivelurcher
He hasn't offered that no. He's said he's working and I need to change the meeting or not go. I think he would be cross the kids would miss swimming!
Would he now? hmm quite the king dick isn't he?

Resentment sets in with this sort of stuff. I wouldn't appeal to his better nature, I'd be spelling some shit out so he's under no illusions on my observations and what that bollocks can do to a marriage.*

I wouldn’t be best impressed if I worked full time and partner worked part time (earning accordingly) and we had paid for swimming lessons for our children at a time when my partner didn’t work then my partner announced that they were working despite not being contracted to or paid, and therefore our children were missing the swimming lessons that we had paid for unless I stopped my (paid) work to take them Confused

I know I said the word ‘paid’ a lot there, but you get my gist.

If the OP wants to play the big I am and my career is just as important as yours, then she needs to work full time and earn accordingly. Of course then childcare etc needs to be split equally but it’s having your cake and eating it when you work part time and don’t bring in a full time salary but expect your full time earning partner to drop everything so you can work and not be paid for it while he looks after the kids. It’s one thing or the other surely?

FlumpsAreShit · 10/09/2021 15:51

I’d be put out if I were you. If the requests from you are rare then I’d expect him to support you in your career as you have done for him. My husband earns several times my salary and runs his own team and will cancel or move things if I have something important, just like if the toddler is sick I will take him when DH really can’t bow out of something. It’s just teamwork, surely

Aprilx · 10/09/2021 15:57

It is reasonable to ask him if he can take time off work, but it is not reasonable to insist that he does. Maybe he just can’t take time off that day. Working from home doesn’t mean work is optional.

You have the arrangement whereby you work part time, presumably to fit in with childcare arrangements / school time. This is normally your time for looking after the children, obviously you should put your heads together to come up with something, but I do feel that it falls mainly to you on this occasion.

Quartz2208 · 10/09/2021 15:58

So yours is a fixed meeting which would be a pain to change

His work is fairly flexible and could be easily changed.

Yet you are the one deemed unreasonable and having to change because he wont

RacistAngst · 10/09/2021 16:05

If the shoe was on the other side, would he expect you to jump through hoops to facilitate his work?

I suspect so, not the least because you working part time with the right sort of hours already does that.

If he expects you to do that, then so he should

I’d expect DH to step in tbh. (And maybe for the dcs. to miss swimming for once)