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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

First ever post. Am I being unreasonable?

274 replies

Babybear1787 · 10/09/2021 08:20

Apologies all but I’m going insane and need your help.

Me and OH both 34 being together nearly 3 years. Both divorced previously and I’ve a nearly 5 year old and then we’ve just had a baby in July and fair to say we’re really happy.

I’m a only child and close with my parents, he is with his parents but also has a older brother who got married to his wife in 2019. When we met they were abit weary but accepted as long as he was happy, we then ended up building quite a nice relationship. We’d go for meals out as a 4, with his parents and even went away for the night together.

Just before covid and a few months after their marriage, brothers wife became pregnant. We were so happy for them and little girl arrived September 2020.

October 2020 me and OH discussed also having a family together. He had no children, after lockdown and seeing my son on his own I didn’t want him to be a only child like me and the decision was made to start trying with a view that it would take a few months and probably have a baby towards end of 2021. In fact it happened immediately 🙈 hence baby born in July.

Once everything ok at 12 weeks (week before Christmas) we told family. Both parents shocked but so happy another grandchild will be coming. OH told brother, his reply “bit soon”. I told his wife and her reply “I would of thought brothers parents would of had longer to enjoy our child first”.

To not taint our happiness we let it go, unfortunately tho it ate away at my partner because then over the course of my pregnancy they disappeared off the face of the earth. We heard nothing from
them and it became quite clear there was a problem.

Present day/this week, brother wife removed both me and OH off social media. It came to an head as clearly there was a problem.

OH spoke to brother who confirmed they didn’t like we had our baby as soon as we did, they told us it was their time and we essentially stole the limelight. My OH is in disbelief, his parents have never had any favourites with them or grandchildren they’re so fair. He then told OH that his wife did that on social media because we don’t like enough pictures of their daughter.

Me and OH don’t use this social media platform often but can’t understand why it’s an issue. Apparently I liked a picture of their daughter with wife’s brother and nothing else. I genuinely can’t even recall this and can only assume it’s been clicked in error as I don’t make a habit of liking stuff and I don’t always see it.

Anyway both brother and wife say they’re over it but wife won’t be socialising with us unless for family occasions and brother will try build relationship with OH alone. We don’t find this acceptable, we have said we are too upset and still amazed at their views (which apparently they’re entitled too) to then pretend to play happy families when necessary.

Apparently we need to accept we’ve upset them too, they’re allowed these views and we need to now move on and get on for their mum and dad.

Both me and OH disagree with this.

Sorry for the lengthy post but the question is who’s the unreasonable one? Are we in the wrong?

OP posts:
EatYourVegetables · 10/09/2021 08:25

Your SIL and BIL are bonkers, thinking they can dictate when others have kids (?). Seeing them at family functions only and your OH and his DB meeting 1-1 sounds good to me. Good riddance.

Xmassprout · 10/09/2021 08:27

They sound absolutely ridiculous

MountainAshley · 10/09/2021 08:28

They need to grow up a bit and behave like adults not children if they now have a child of their own to raise. They are behaving ridiculously.

You and your OH sound like the sensible mature ones in this situation.

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 10/09/2021 08:30

They are right, they are allowed their views.

They don't get to dictate how you respond to those (ridiculous) views though.

They sound like they want to control everything around them, and you're better off out of that with your child too.

Cuts down on your Christmas shopping though so it's a win in my eyes.

BlueSuffragette · 10/09/2021 08:32

So sorry OP. They sound totally immature. They have no right whatsoever to dictate when other members of the family have their children. Your SIL needs to grow up and your BIL needs to grow a pair. Feel really sorry for you, your OH and the grandparents.

Aroundtheworldin80moves · 10/09/2021 08:36

Sounds like they have serious PFB syndrome

There are no rules about having babies at a similar time to relatives. DHs family had two new arrivals this summer, a few days apart. Lots of excitement over which would arrive first.

LastGirlSanding · 10/09/2021 08:40

Fuck me, having a child should not be about getting the limelight- but sounds like they are placing a lot of social media and social / family in general value on having had a baby and I guess the first grandchild on that side of the family.

I don’t think you or your husband are wrong but not sure what you can do to tackle or challenge that mindset other than maybe trying to get them to see sense and stop viewing babies as competition for social media likes. I don’t fancy your chances though tbh.

Igmum · 10/09/2021 08:42

So sorry you're going through this OP. I guess they are entitled to their views but it is a bit batshit crazy and a bit sad when they could be celebrating your little one and helping the cousins to be friends. I would expect siblings to have children fairly close together in age. It's normal. Not much you can do about it but how sad.

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 10/09/2021 08:43

No you're not. They are being absolutely ridiculous and the only way to deal with such childishness is to ignore it completely

JoeyJoeyson · 10/09/2021 08:45

YANBU.

Honestly I’d find it hard to stop myself from telling them to get a grip.

WimpoleHat · 10/09/2021 08:45

They sound like 8 year olds - “you can’t have a party at the same place as meeee”. Bonkers.

MrsEricBana · 10/09/2021 08:46

They are being ridiculous, unkind and controlling. You'd think they'd be pleased for there to be similar aged dcs in the family. In your shoes I would continue your relationship with your PIL as was and leave them to it.

DancesWithTortoises · 10/09/2021 08:46

They are being ridiculous. I suspect it's the DM rather than DH's brother at the root of it.

Just cut them off and tell him to let you know when they've grown up and are prepared to behave like adults.

Then delete and block on everything.

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 10/09/2021 08:47

Oh, and I wouldn't be keeping their silliness a secret either. Whenever there's a genuine opportunity to naturally insert it into conversation I would be. Along with what a shame it is and how you hope they will forgive you for having your child because it's such a shame.

But I'm a cow so 🤷‍♀️

MrsRobbieHart · 10/09/2021 08:48

I’m am continually gobsmacked at the entitled-ness of new parents I read about on MN. Blows my mind. Who are telling these people that their new baby means the world now revolves around them?

Loudestcat14 · 10/09/2021 08:49

They are being so unreasonable and ridiculous! They can't seriously have expected you to delay having a baby because they had one first. I think you're absolutely right to tell them their demands to keep the peace are out of order because they're the ones with the issue, but most of all I feel sorry for your PIL who must be stuck in the middle of their two new grandchildren and be totally bewildered by it.

Mamette · 10/09/2021 08:50

They are U. And it’s sad that the cousins will be so close in age but probably won’t see each other much because of your in laws attitudes.

Notonthestairs · 10/09/2021 08:51

"Their time" Confused Their time for what?

Having cousins of a close age is lovely. My two children have five cousins all born the year before and after they were and family parties are great fun (and they amuse themselves which is an added bonus).

Nobody can dictate when others conceive and deliberately causing a family rift because of it is awful.

So I think your BIL & SIL are nuts and are probably the attention hoggers they accuse you of.

Ignore and let them stew in their own juices. (Or announce a surprise pregnancy and really set them off.)

Returnoftheowl · 10/09/2021 08:54

*They are right, they are allowed their views.

They don't get to dictate how you respond to those (ridiculous) views though*

Absolutely this. They need to be the ones who extend the olive branch, not just expecting you to do and act how they want.

Summerrain123 · 10/09/2021 09:02

Utterly ridiculous and childish. Who thinks like that instead of being happy their child will have a cousin close in age? Totally mad and warped! I assume the OH parents know about it. What do they say? Can they have a word? They sound completely deluded and unreasonable. What a shame this has put a shadow over your very happy event.

Gonnagetgoing · 10/09/2021 09:05

You’re not being unreasonable and they’re being ridiculous. I think all this stealing of thunder is rubbish anyway - how can you plan when a baby is conceived etc?! They’re being very petty and best thing is to disengage.

However, re the social media stuff, in a contest, my brother’s DW’s (her brother and his wife and their 2 DC) family seem to have an issue with posting lots of photos of their DD(4) and DS(1) on the family WhatsApp page and rarely liking stuff we post. My DB and his DW have DS(3). I have no DC.
The family with DD(3) and DS(1) we’ve noticed (my mum and DB) very rarely comment on our pics or pics of the DS(3) and seem to have some weirdly competitive side about making out they’re having eg the best Halloween/birthday party etc. The mum also posts lots of the same stuff photos. My DB and his DW just aren’t competitive in the photo posting sense or events!

The above isn’t played out on FB though though is to some extent on Instagram. It really is petty of your BIL and his DW to notice and be bothered about how many likes their PFB has got on FB!

Sidehustle99 · 10/09/2021 09:06

I think your PIL should give BIL and SIL a good kick up the arse. Honestly they are behaving like kids, so it's time for the parents to step in.

It looks like it's your SIL that's batshit and her DH is obviously a pushover because no man in his right mind would what this kind of 'crazy' to go public.

Just keep on keeping on would be my advice. Things like this usually work out. But would you really want this in your life. What if you buy the kids the same Christmas present or get a newer car FFS.

NoSquirrels · 10/09/2021 09:08

Weird.

Their pretty much has to be a backstory here, even if you’re not really aware of it, OP.

Either SIL is generally jealous/insecure, or is suffering from PND that’s affecting her views & feelings, or they’ve struggled with fertility, or your BIL has always felt that your OH is the favoured child or SIL has that in her family… whatever it is, it’s something in the background you either don’t know about or are oblivious to.

It’s not truly about having cousins close in age and not using social media in a way they approve of.

gamerchick · 10/09/2021 09:10

Sounds like you've had a lucky escape tbh. Tell them to fuck off an grow up.

Newmum29 · 10/09/2021 09:11

I think this is more common then people are making out. My nephews are 3 months apart and my daughter is 6 months younger than her cousin.

I think it did surprise both our sisters but as you say you can’t really plan.. we thought it would take ages to get pregnant, it didn’t!

Any chance it’s about childcare? Lots of parents want their grandparents to look after the LO and worry cousins will stop that happening (can do it for one but not both so it’s a blanket no).

Agree with others they’re being unreasonable but trying to add context.

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