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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

First ever post. Am I being unreasonable?

274 replies

Babybear1787 · 10/09/2021 08:20

Apologies all but I’m going insane and need your help.

Me and OH both 34 being together nearly 3 years. Both divorced previously and I’ve a nearly 5 year old and then we’ve just had a baby in July and fair to say we’re really happy.

I’m a only child and close with my parents, he is with his parents but also has a older brother who got married to his wife in 2019. When we met they were abit weary but accepted as long as he was happy, we then ended up building quite a nice relationship. We’d go for meals out as a 4, with his parents and even went away for the night together.

Just before covid and a few months after their marriage, brothers wife became pregnant. We were so happy for them and little girl arrived September 2020.

October 2020 me and OH discussed also having a family together. He had no children, after lockdown and seeing my son on his own I didn’t want him to be a only child like me and the decision was made to start trying with a view that it would take a few months and probably have a baby towards end of 2021. In fact it happened immediately 🙈 hence baby born in July.

Once everything ok at 12 weeks (week before Christmas) we told family. Both parents shocked but so happy another grandchild will be coming. OH told brother, his reply “bit soon”. I told his wife and her reply “I would of thought brothers parents would of had longer to enjoy our child first”.

To not taint our happiness we let it go, unfortunately tho it ate away at my partner because then over the course of my pregnancy they disappeared off the face of the earth. We heard nothing from
them and it became quite clear there was a problem.

Present day/this week, brother wife removed both me and OH off social media. It came to an head as clearly there was a problem.

OH spoke to brother who confirmed they didn’t like we had our baby as soon as we did, they told us it was their time and we essentially stole the limelight. My OH is in disbelief, his parents have never had any favourites with them or grandchildren they’re so fair. He then told OH that his wife did that on social media because we don’t like enough pictures of their daughter.

Me and OH don’t use this social media platform often but can’t understand why it’s an issue. Apparently I liked a picture of their daughter with wife’s brother and nothing else. I genuinely can’t even recall this and can only assume it’s been clicked in error as I don’t make a habit of liking stuff and I don’t always see it.

Anyway both brother and wife say they’re over it but wife won’t be socialising with us unless for family occasions and brother will try build relationship with OH alone. We don’t find this acceptable, we have said we are too upset and still amazed at their views (which apparently they’re entitled too) to then pretend to play happy families when necessary.

Apparently we need to accept we’ve upset them too, they’re allowed these views and we need to now move on and get on for their mum and dad.

Both me and OH disagree with this.

Sorry for the lengthy post but the question is who’s the unreasonable one? Are we in the wrong?

OP posts:
Mamanyt · 12/09/2021 00:01

What petty, little people your OH's brother and SIL are. They should be tickled that your children will be close enough in age to be playmates, at least while they are young. And to block you because you aren't active on social media often, and didn't like enough pictures? That kinda says all you need to know of SIL, doesn't it? Her "meaningful relationships" are with devices, not people. Who in their right mind keeps score like that???

I don't think that there are 20 likes on my entire Twitter account, and I could not care less, nor can I remember when I last actually looked to see. Been months, and will be months more. FB the same way. I post what I find interesting, and don't give it another thought after that. Which I consider to be fairly normal and healthy. I don't need that kind of validation, but apparently SIL does!

Cherryberrybonbon · 12/09/2021 00:24

Typical example of how social media wrecks realationships as people are too invested in what goes on, on social media. Ridiculous behaviour from adults but not the first time I’ve heard something like this. I came off all social media a few years ago and deleted group messages as I couldn’t keep up, working nights and having kids, I slowly got pushed out of my group as I never knew what was going on etc now the people who were my closest friends are on my blocked list.

They might be blood but if they can treat you with such disregard then are they worth it? This will be the first of many fallings out, you will be overshadowing them every time your little one does something now they will be in competition without you realising.

TinselTime21 · 12/09/2021 00:33

Omg the day we announced to my sibling we were expecting. They were like oh so are we. The children are less than a week apart! And tbh of my sibling had got arsey or anything I'd of told them to piss off. No one dictates when we can or can't have a baby. We'd had treatment to conceive. But they didn't know that. Nor did we know they were trying.

QueenBee52 · 12/09/2021 02:32

@TinselTime21

Omg the day we announced to my sibling we were expecting. They were like oh so are we. The children are less than a week apart! And tbh of my sibling had got arsey or anything I'd of told them to piss off. No one dictates when we can or can't have a baby. We'd had treatment to conceive. But they didn't know that. Nor did we know they were trying.

Good on you...

OP I could never forgive these twats ... pair of Pricks both of them ..

Go to all family events and let them ignore you.. more fool them 🌸

Billben · 12/09/2021 08:14

He then told OH that his wife did that on social media because we don’t like enough pictures of their daughter.

😂😂😂 I dread to think where society is heading with fools like these two.

cricketball · 12/09/2021 08:35

We have similar relatives in my family. Sadly it ended up splitting the entire family.

A few PPs posts have enlightened me and I realise now that there was nothing I could have done to save things.

angela99999 · 12/09/2021 09:27

Sorry have not read all this thread but utterly sympathize with you. You work, have two children including a baby and honestly have better things to do than read social media, what does it matter that you have not "liked" their posts?
I've never heard anything more ridiculous than to complain that you stole their limelight by having a baby too close to theirs.
I don't always get on with my sister but two of my children are quite close in age to hers and even she wouldn't think that this was a problem.
It is such a shame that this is happening and causing you stress but I honestly don't see that you can do anything more about it, so please do try to push it out of your mind. It does sound as though SIL sees herself as centre of the universe and this is her mental health problem, not yours.

nannybeach · 12/09/2021 09:48

I am amazed ANYONE could think you are unreasonable. To say you were too quick having a baby and they had one a year after getting married. Do not let them get to you

Livingonthedarkside · 12/09/2021 12:17

I feel for you, I was late in having kids, approx 8 years after my elder sibling. I was 18 when they had kids and working in London i worked hard and played even harder, but was expected to be hands on and doting round their kids. I took years of arguing and belittling as I was was not what was expected of me, and how much of their lives I have missed. But after each clash it became harder as being in the same room became more and more hostile.

Years later i now have 2 children of my own. All great at the start and let’s sort things out. But now we could not be any further than we were before, they play no part in my children lives and it don’t bother me one tiny bit. What they demanded out of me, they can not even deliver themselves.

We get on with our little happy life and let the hypocrisy of it all roll on by as it takes far to much energy to keep all that bitterness, and I would rather use my energy on my family

You can’t change the opinion of small minds, so enjoy your beautiful baby and let them get on with it, people will see them for what they are in them end…

2pinkginsplease · 12/09/2021 12:28

She sounds bonkers, a bit like my ex sil. She booked their childs baptism for the weekend after my baby was due so that her child wasn’t being overshadowed! Turned out my new week old baby stole the ‘limelight” as it was the first time all the family had met my baby!

Ridiculous behaviour.

Haveyoubrushedyourteethtoday · 12/09/2021 12:56

I love that my kids’ cousins are so close in age. A couple of months in some cases. I think normal people would see it as a positive?

Forgottenwhatsleepis · 12/09/2021 13:23

Oh god they sound like they have extreme PFB (precious first born) syndrome, and such hard work! You're better off keeping your distance, only seeing them at family events, and just being civil when you see them. Good luck Flowers

LittleOwl153 · 12/09/2021 13:28

The only thing I would be wary if going forward is your relationship with PIL. They have made sure to keep the annoying pair in their lives by babysitting the child. Make sure you and you little one don't get pushed out as a result. Make sure you keep those offered childcare days regularly, make an effort for birthdays/Xmas etc. It is likely this will not stop and the problematic inlaws will see to expunge you and your little one from the family and it is likely your PIL (and any wider family) will have to choose between you.

There have been a few threads on here I don't know whether others can link to... one was a single parent whose mother had the grandchild whilst she worked. When a new cousin came along the sister made sure to force out the original child to the point the sisters and I think the mother daughter ended up NC as the jealous sister 'won'.

You need to be careful your NC doesn't make it an easy narrative to be your fault that's all.

Lunar2020 · 12/09/2021 15:01

This is absolutely lovely that the cousins are so similar in age. Me and my cousin have this and even though we have siblings we grew up together through sharing our grandparents and spending a lot of times together at our grandparents house. We are more like sisters. It was wonderful to grow up so close to another child in the family like this. You actually have a truly wonderful situation (that’s both sets of parents). My advice to you all (and you can show OH’s brother and your SIL this response) please please don’t take away this wonderful opportunity to grow up together from your children. I hate to think what would have been lost if myself and my cousin has been separated. I can’t reiterate enough what a very special and very precious situation you’ve created for your children (albeit unknowingly) and their shared grandparents. Please embrace it and give them all a chance to enjoy it.

smilingontheinside · 12/09/2021 16:05

Sack them off. Families can be a bloody nightmare and if being so ridiculous now will only get worse. Live your lives, see your in OH parents , be "pleasant" if have to mix with Bil/Sil but otherwise leave them to their sad lives. I've realised too many years trying to please everyone is a waste of time so best to please yourselves. Enjoy your own family leave the idiots to mess up theirs.

Barmychick · 12/09/2021 18:03

YANBU they are! I'm sorry your child may notbe close with cousin I'm lucky enough to have that.I now refer to my "family" as the blood relatives due years of disgraceful behaviour. Please don't let them ruin this special time for you. It's time they got a grip grow up and got over themselves!

jp83 · 12/09/2021 18:51

You stole their babymaking limelight?Really?Boo-hoo!I think they are weird and horrible.Avoid them.

jitterbug85 · 12/09/2021 18:58

You absolutely are not being unreasonable. They are bonkers. We ended up being in a similar position. We had been trying for a while and having fertility help which family did not know about. BIL announced SIL was pregnant and several weeks later we found out I was pregnant too. Both of us ended up with girls who are 2 months apart in age. They’re both still young but look forward to watching them grow up together. They are entitled to their own opinions but think they are being very precious about the pfb and may come to regret this in time

winnieanddaisy · 12/09/2021 23:15

My MIL had 6DC within 10 years . Four of them provided her with 9DGC within 6 years . Everyone was happy with there being short gaps between most of them . Most of them lived within a couple of streets of each other and the cousins , now grown up , are as close as siblings. This is life . People don't get pregnant in order to piss other people off .

Petlover9 · 12/09/2021 23:15

@BlueSuffragette

So sorry OP. They sound totally immature. They have no right whatsoever to dictate when other members of the family have their children. Your SIL needs to grow up and your BIL needs to grow a pair. Feel really sorry for you, your OH and the grandparents.
Agree with this ^. Try to ignore these two and enjoy your family. Never did agree with all the social media stuff, not the first time I have heard about the problems it causes. Come off it for now and let them see you have no interest in it, then she can't do much about it
Janetizzy30 · 13/09/2021 12:53

Ok so i have several brothers and sisters and if any of them were pregnant at same time or just after me i would be overjoyed. It means the babies are close in age and likely to be close especially as they are cousins. Im pregnant with my 5th and its the first time ive been within a year of one of my siblings and they are so happy for us. Your in bil and his wife are being completely unreasonable.

RAFHercules · 13/09/2021 16:22

Did they meet on love Island?
This sounds like the behaviour of very minor slebs.

Whoopy1 · 13/09/2021 17:14

When I was expecting my first baby, sil2 announced she was pregnant with her second and due 5 months after me, sil1 then announced she was also pregnant and due 6 months after me.

Was I upset and jealous? No, I thought it was lovely that my baby would have cousins around the same age to play and grow up with.

Babybear1787 · 13/09/2021 22:49

I’ve just pop another vote/update on a separate post if you want an update and still agree with me or not, I’d appreciate your thoughts

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