Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

First ever post. Am I being unreasonable?

274 replies

Babybear1787 · 10/09/2021 08:20

Apologies all but I’m going insane and need your help.

Me and OH both 34 being together nearly 3 years. Both divorced previously and I’ve a nearly 5 year old and then we’ve just had a baby in July and fair to say we’re really happy.

I’m a only child and close with my parents, he is with his parents but also has a older brother who got married to his wife in 2019. When we met they were abit weary but accepted as long as he was happy, we then ended up building quite a nice relationship. We’d go for meals out as a 4, with his parents and even went away for the night together.

Just before covid and a few months after their marriage, brothers wife became pregnant. We were so happy for them and little girl arrived September 2020.

October 2020 me and OH discussed also having a family together. He had no children, after lockdown and seeing my son on his own I didn’t want him to be a only child like me and the decision was made to start trying with a view that it would take a few months and probably have a baby towards end of 2021. In fact it happened immediately 🙈 hence baby born in July.

Once everything ok at 12 weeks (week before Christmas) we told family. Both parents shocked but so happy another grandchild will be coming. OH told brother, his reply “bit soon”. I told his wife and her reply “I would of thought brothers parents would of had longer to enjoy our child first”.

To not taint our happiness we let it go, unfortunately tho it ate away at my partner because then over the course of my pregnancy they disappeared off the face of the earth. We heard nothing from
them and it became quite clear there was a problem.

Present day/this week, brother wife removed both me and OH off social media. It came to an head as clearly there was a problem.

OH spoke to brother who confirmed they didn’t like we had our baby as soon as we did, they told us it was their time and we essentially stole the limelight. My OH is in disbelief, his parents have never had any favourites with them or grandchildren they’re so fair. He then told OH that his wife did that on social media because we don’t like enough pictures of their daughter.

Me and OH don’t use this social media platform often but can’t understand why it’s an issue. Apparently I liked a picture of their daughter with wife’s brother and nothing else. I genuinely can’t even recall this and can only assume it’s been clicked in error as I don’t make a habit of liking stuff and I don’t always see it.

Anyway both brother and wife say they’re over it but wife won’t be socialising with us unless for family occasions and brother will try build relationship with OH alone. We don’t find this acceptable, we have said we are too upset and still amazed at their views (which apparently they’re entitled too) to then pretend to play happy families when necessary.

Apparently we need to accept we’ve upset them too, they’re allowed these views and we need to now move on and get on for their mum and dad.

Both me and OH disagree with this.

Sorry for the lengthy post but the question is who’s the unreasonable one? Are we in the wrong?

OP posts:
Shredmymil · 10/09/2021 10:16

They are entitled to their feelings(ridiculous as they sound to most of us) and you are entitled to yours. You don't have to play happy families if you don't want to. Just goes to show having siblings doesn't always pan out eh.

TartanJumper · 10/09/2021 10:19

Bloody hell, they sound unhinged.
YANBU

Lonelylooloo · 10/09/2021 10:19

They are certifiable
I became pregnant with our second whilst SIL was heavily pregnant with her first, did she accuse me of having a second child to ‘steal her limelight’ Grin no… because he’s not insane!

Having a child is a huge massive decision and commitment it’s also not something that happens immediately for many. People who try to make someone having a baby ‘about them’ are the worst kind of self absorbed a H

noirchatsdeux · 10/09/2021 10:22

They are 100% in the wrong. You could have given birth on the same fucking day as your SIL and they'd still be wrong.

I remember my mother being a bit like this when her SIL had a child...and my older brother was 12 when our cousin was born! My mother hated that our 'position' of only grandchildren in her family had been 'taken'...sadly thanks to her we've never had a relationship with any of our cousins. My mother is a raging narcissist and it sounds like your SIL (and possibly BIL) could be too.

Just ignore. It's all too silly for words.

123fushia · 10/09/2021 10:23

There is need for you to be on SM that your SIL can see. You have the choice to be part of some SM and leave others. I would show a degree of strength and not get drawn into this silliness. Decide to block/unfollow some and then make new ones if necessary.
I don’t think you can reason with your SIL and it sounds as though she is still causing some drama. You have a little one to look after which is hard enough!

8misskitty8 · 10/09/2021 10:24

Sadly this sort of weird shit is t unusual.

This happened to friends of mine. His brother and girlfriend announced a pregnancy about 6 months after they met. (They decided after being together a week to start trying for a baby !)

My friends were expecting after trying for about a year but held off announcing it for a few months after his brother/girlfriend did their announcement.

When they eventually told people their news the brother/girlfriend were furious and told people that my friends should have told them they were trying ! How unacceptable it was for my friend to be pregnant and due a baby the same month as them.
They did a whole lot of other batshit stuff and have been NC for 7 years now.

redwitch5 · 10/09/2021 10:24

They are definitely a few sandwiches short of picnic. Take a deep breath and cast them to the wind, they will either grow up or not.
You will most likely have to deal with the crazies at family gatherings so be bland. " We're having our second, you'll be right after us just like last time, right" "Mhm, have you tried the dip?".
Learn to forgive, it drives them mad Grin or at least feign ignorance. Whatever works.

WomanStanleyWoman · 10/09/2021 10:25

I think you may have to accept that you need to grit your teeth and be civil at family events; otherwise they will find a way to blame you for any tension and it will turn into ‘why can’t you just apologise so we can all move on?’ But don’t make any further effort with them directly. No more pleading or asking what you’ve done wrong; no concern at them being upset. Radio silence until absolutely necessary.

alloalloallo · 10/09/2021 10:26

They are right, they are allowed their views.

They don't get to dictate how you respond to those (ridiculous) views though

Yes. This.

My SiL got very upset with me for posting photos of my daughter at various horse riding events and competitions.

Her DD was also having riding lessons at the time and she felt I was “rubbing her nose in it” and why couldn’t I let my niece have time to shine

My DD is 8 years older and has been riding for years. My niece had only been having riding lessons for a few months at this point.

It was quite mad.

I just ignored it. What can you say to stuff like that?

NCBlossom · 10/09/2021 10:27

You can never ‘win’ with people like this. If it wasn’t the pregnancy, it would be something else. Just keep being yourself and don’t get dragged down their toxic rabbit hole.

The biggest red flag is removing you from social media. Family who do this are never going to be easy people for you to be around. Steer as clear as you can and be very non committal and vague.

alloalloallo · 10/09/2021 10:27

Sorry, posted too soon.

I’m just civil and chatty at family events. I haven’t apologised, because what do I apologise for?

billyt · 10/09/2021 10:28

This it's bad now? Wait until it becomes the GPs for baby-sitting etc......

Some people should have to pass a sensibility etc before having children.

Enjoy your family.

TokyoSushi · 10/09/2021 10:28

They're ridiculous, and weird.

billyt · 10/09/2021 10:28

Sensibility test not etc....

Dissimilitude · 10/09/2021 10:30

The self-obsession in some people defies belief.

You've done nothing wrong. They're bananas. Sorry that you're lumbered with them as relatives.

allflownthenest · 10/09/2021 10:30

wow, just wow!

GuerillaFood · 10/09/2021 10:31

They're being total wankers.

Be the bigger person and rise above it. One day they will pull their heads out of their arses and look back on this and feel extremely embarrassed.

Nowstrong · 10/09/2021 10:33

They're bonkers! SM is the source of all evil...

HemanOrSheRa · 10/09/2021 10:34

They are ridiculous. I was so happy when my SIL announced she was pregnant not long after I did. Not only was she a much longed for child but it meant our DC's grew up together, on tap play dates and baby sitting! We were able to support each other too.

Porridgealert · 10/09/2021 10:34

They're bonkers for their behaviour.
And your bonkers for engaging with it.

Dougt · 10/09/2021 10:34

I’d be delighted there were two cousins so close in age!

Hopefully they will move on in time and you’ll be able to have a more normal relationship with them but I’d never forgot this or want to be close to them again.

WellLarDeDar · 10/09/2021 10:36

In their eye, you need to hold off on your life until they're ready for you to have one. Unbelievable!! They may be entitled to their views but their views are mental!! I would go NC until they're ready to apologise for thinking they're the only people who have lives to live.

Porridgealert · 10/09/2021 10:37

And I also doubt that what you think and what your husband thinks are as synced as you believe.

Sandinmyknickers · 10/09/2021 10:37

It's so immature and silly of then and whilst they obviously cab have those opinions, I think you should just go along with it but not have to pretend like they are serious not silly reasons.

I'm often not one for being petty but in this circumstances, I would. Whenever someone brought it up or ask why you don't speak to then much, I would just laugh and shrug and say "I had a baby just under a year after them and apparently it stole their limelight". Especially if they are standing right nearby. They need to hear how stupid it sounds

Droite · 10/09/2021 10:38

Tell SIL and BIl you'll be happy to move on once they've grown up and moved on.

Swipe left for the next trending thread