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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

First ever post. Am I being unreasonable?

274 replies

Babybear1787 · 10/09/2021 08:20

Apologies all but I’m going insane and need your help.

Me and OH both 34 being together nearly 3 years. Both divorced previously and I’ve a nearly 5 year old and then we’ve just had a baby in July and fair to say we’re really happy.

I’m a only child and close with my parents, he is with his parents but also has a older brother who got married to his wife in 2019. When we met they were abit weary but accepted as long as he was happy, we then ended up building quite a nice relationship. We’d go for meals out as a 4, with his parents and even went away for the night together.

Just before covid and a few months after their marriage, brothers wife became pregnant. We were so happy for them and little girl arrived September 2020.

October 2020 me and OH discussed also having a family together. He had no children, after lockdown and seeing my son on his own I didn’t want him to be a only child like me and the decision was made to start trying with a view that it would take a few months and probably have a baby towards end of 2021. In fact it happened immediately 🙈 hence baby born in July.

Once everything ok at 12 weeks (week before Christmas) we told family. Both parents shocked but so happy another grandchild will be coming. OH told brother, his reply “bit soon”. I told his wife and her reply “I would of thought brothers parents would of had longer to enjoy our child first”.

To not taint our happiness we let it go, unfortunately tho it ate away at my partner because then over the course of my pregnancy they disappeared off the face of the earth. We heard nothing from
them and it became quite clear there was a problem.

Present day/this week, brother wife removed both me and OH off social media. It came to an head as clearly there was a problem.

OH spoke to brother who confirmed they didn’t like we had our baby as soon as we did, they told us it was their time and we essentially stole the limelight. My OH is in disbelief, his parents have never had any favourites with them or grandchildren they’re so fair. He then told OH that his wife did that on social media because we don’t like enough pictures of their daughter.

Me and OH don’t use this social media platform often but can’t understand why it’s an issue. Apparently I liked a picture of their daughter with wife’s brother and nothing else. I genuinely can’t even recall this and can only assume it’s been clicked in error as I don’t make a habit of liking stuff and I don’t always see it.

Anyway both brother and wife say they’re over it but wife won’t be socialising with us unless for family occasions and brother will try build relationship with OH alone. We don’t find this acceptable, we have said we are too upset and still amazed at their views (which apparently they’re entitled too) to then pretend to play happy families when necessary.

Apparently we need to accept we’ve upset them too, they’re allowed these views and we need to now move on and get on for their mum and dad.

Both me and OH disagree with this.

Sorry for the lengthy post but the question is who’s the unreasonable one? Are we in the wrong?

OP posts:
Spaceshiphaslanded · 11/09/2021 19:56

Bat shit crazy. You would normally be happy babies in families were similar ages!!! Distancing themselves from you, fine - and I’d probably be quite happy with that - but it’s very short sighted for the kids when they have a cousin the same age!! Bonkers.

Mumofsons87 · 11/09/2021 20:00

I actually feel sorry for people who think this way they must be so self centered and begrudging of everyone else and unable to just enjoy their own happy little bubble, and to not be able to see the joy having a little cousin so close would bring is a crying shame. They are missing out big time. I've been them and not for a second did it even occur to me that some limelight was stolen, my initial reaction was delight and excitement that we wouldn't be going through it all alone. How silly of them.

Hlglu56 · 11/09/2021 20:02

They are being ridiculous. Their baby has a little cousin, very close in age, to grow up with and to play with. They should be happy instead of being so selfish.

Supergirl1958 · 11/09/2021 20:10

‘Stole the limelight’ like anyone has any control over when they get pregnant. It happened for you much earlier than you expected. But you must absolutely not feel bad, it’s absolutely their ridiculous issue, not yours! I hope the wider family don’t have the same issue!

OverweightPidgeon · 11/09/2021 20:31

Anyone who cops the hump over ’likes’ on social media needs to grow the fuck up . They’re being utterly ridiculous.

NightandViolets · 11/09/2021 20:40

This reminds me of a former friend who asked me to delay my wedding to the year after theirs so that we could ‘have the year to ourselves’. No one has the right to dictate when you can and can’t have a baby, it is difficult and unpredictable enough without anyone trying to exert control or making you feel bad. I’m sorry that you’re having to deal with this ridiculousness.

bobblebeebob · 11/09/2021 20:44

They sound hilarious except they're causing pain and have broken up a happy family. They've gone way over the top with this

Surely this scenario is very common

What are the parents doing about it? They should probably tell their son and wife to sort themselves out. How awful for them too

You'd think they'd be ecstatic that their PFB will a cousin so close in age.

Monstermunch67 · 11/09/2021 20:52

They sound far too much like hard work. It's simply childish the way some people take offence at nothing, then demand that you have no right to be offended by their ridiculous behaviour. Perhaps better to thank your lucky stars you've seen their true colours, before your children grow close to theirs in time and they get hurt by your in-laws childish behaviour.

LoisLane66 · 11/09/2021 20:57

Firstly, congratulations on the new additionto your family 🎉🥂😁
For what it's worth, I'd kick them into touch. They're not worth your time. Trying to suck all the joy out of your happiness at your new baby.
I've never heard of such extremely selfish behaviour.
From your dates, I gather that their child was one year old when yours was born. Did they expect you to consult with them to find a suitable time for you to get pregnant which suited them? I never heard such rubbish in all my life. 😡🤬

purplebunny2012 · 11/09/2021 21:01

OMG, a baby is not a new car! That's how it feels, how dare you get a new "toy" just after them? But it's not, you've produced a new member of the family. Your in-laws are being pathetic and immature

Slightlylostalongtheway · 11/09/2021 21:02

My youngest sister is nearly 18 years younger than me and my own daughter is a couple of years younger than her. They have both just had their babies within 3 weeks of each other. They loved being pregnant together and actually during covid it worked beautifully because they made appointments for the same time so they could have someone with them despite the restrictions (brilliant loophole). They go to all the mum groups together and it will build a fantastic relationship between the babies! Your SIL BIL need to seek help for their problems because children are not a competitive sport and if all babies could only be born after large gaps we wouldn't have class sizes we do and siblings in each year group etc! Get a grip in laws

Dontwatchfootball · 11/09/2021 21:02

This is nuts! They are so out of order.

Mollymoostoo · 11/09/2021 21:09

My in laws never liked me and made it clear. They kept inviting my DH's ex round and to family events, they were never married but had a child. I didn't meet him till 7 months after they split.
11 years and a 9 year old later and still issues.
You have your partner taking your side and they are not going to change. Focus your energy on enjoying your pregnancy and not on them. Don't like them steal your joy.
The day I first felt my baby move, his ex created yet another drama, I will never let other have that much control again.

shimmy1981 · 11/09/2021 21:21

YANBU at all but this happened to us!! We had 2 children and then SIL had a baby… all good… then we had a “surprise” pregnancy and SIL and MIL were furious!!
Didn’t congratulate us and said “oh no!” when we told them and then when DS arrived they said oh well you got to have the first grandchildren but at least we got to have the first boy!

People are weird!

CityMumma78 · 11/09/2021 21:34

Wow what a pair of complete nutcases!!!!!!!!!!!

Mumontour85 · 11/09/2021 21:45

I would have been bloody delighted if either of my sisters, or even my sibling in law, had had a baby around the same time as us! What a lovely thing to bring cousins up together 🧡 I love my cousins to pieces and before my son has any sibling of his own, cousins his age would have been amazing.
Your bro in law and his beastly wife sound incredibly childish (who deletes people for not liking their sm posts?!!), I would tell them about themselves and how very sad they're being.
You're definitely not being unreasonable, they most certainly are!

Cherryana · 11/09/2021 22:28

Seriously who talks about limelight when lovely gorgeous babies are involved?

Love expands to however many people there are to love. It’s not limited and needs to be reserved and rationed.

This says so much about the smallness of your bil and sil’s POV.

MeredithGreyishblue · 11/09/2021 22:37

@Cherryana

Seriously who talks about limelight when lovely gorgeous babies are involved?

Love expands to however many people there are to love. It’s not limited and needs to be reserved and rationed.

This says so much about the smallness of your bil and sil’s POV.

I know- makes it seem like they want a musical in their honour! I have Joey's musical debut in my head now. Freud!

Baby!

a1poshpaws · 11/09/2021 22:48

Crikey. Go no contact other than any family affairs where you'll both be expected to attend, and then be polite but distant, don't ask or answer any personal questions from either of them in case you get deliberately misquoted, and thank your lucky stars your DH is equally as aware as you are that his brother and wife are bonkers.

Emimummy · 11/09/2021 22:50

Absolutely ridiculous. For all they know you could have been trying your a baby even before them! They should be happy for you. Babies are a wonderful addition to a family and it's a shame they have tried to put a dampener on it for you. Not sure how you can amend the relationship but you absolutely aren't in the wrong, they are. Good luck

FlintVehicleCity · 11/09/2021 22:50

A normal reaction to baby news would be to be happy that your dbaby will have a cousin close in age. That's about it. They're being ridiculous.

FeedMeSantiago · 11/09/2021 22:56

I would have loved some cousins close in age to me - I'm 33, my closest cousin to me age wise is 18!

Your BIL and SIL are batshit. If it were me I would be delighted my DC had a cousin so close in age to them.

Baxterbear · 11/09/2021 23:06

@Happyher

Don’t rise to their bait. Don’t stoop to their lows. Live by your own morals and standards. Carry on being polite when you see them and chat like nothing had happened despite how they behave. Suspect SIL is the main protagonist here and is an attention seeker which she feels you are stealing from her. Be the bigger person, be mature and make it easier for P/MIL to deal with. Don’t let them feel they have to choose
This!
Toomuchtrouble4me · 11/09/2021 23:11

@Sidehustle99

I think your PIL should give BIL and SIL a good kick up the arse. Honestly they are behaving like kids, so it's time for the parents to step in.

It looks like it's your SIL that's batshit and her DH is obviously a pushover because no man in his right mind would what this kind of 'crazy' to go public.

Just keep on keeping on would be my advice. Things like this usually work out. But would you really want this in your life. What if you buy the kids the same Christmas present or get a newer car FFS.

Except Harry?
MolkosTeenageAngst · 11/09/2021 23:25

Having a baby 10 months after your SIL is completely reasonable, the baby was already born before you’d even conceived yours! And even if you’d gone and conceived on the day of their birth announcement or on finding out they were trying you would not be unreasonable. I’ve never heard of having to space out the timing of children within the extended family, if anything I’d say it’s fairly common to want cousins to be close in age or to celebrate two family members being pregnant at the same if similar times. Honestly your B&SIL sound incredibly self centred if they see this as a big deal and you are sensible to go NC with them as even if you were able to move past this drama no doubt something else would come up again soon.