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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

First ever post. Am I being unreasonable?

274 replies

Babybear1787 · 10/09/2021 08:20

Apologies all but I’m going insane and need your help.

Me and OH both 34 being together nearly 3 years. Both divorced previously and I’ve a nearly 5 year old and then we’ve just had a baby in July and fair to say we’re really happy.

I’m a only child and close with my parents, he is with his parents but also has a older brother who got married to his wife in 2019. When we met they were abit weary but accepted as long as he was happy, we then ended up building quite a nice relationship. We’d go for meals out as a 4, with his parents and even went away for the night together.

Just before covid and a few months after their marriage, brothers wife became pregnant. We were so happy for them and little girl arrived September 2020.

October 2020 me and OH discussed also having a family together. He had no children, after lockdown and seeing my son on his own I didn’t want him to be a only child like me and the decision was made to start trying with a view that it would take a few months and probably have a baby towards end of 2021. In fact it happened immediately 🙈 hence baby born in July.

Once everything ok at 12 weeks (week before Christmas) we told family. Both parents shocked but so happy another grandchild will be coming. OH told brother, his reply “bit soon”. I told his wife and her reply “I would of thought brothers parents would of had longer to enjoy our child first”.

To not taint our happiness we let it go, unfortunately tho it ate away at my partner because then over the course of my pregnancy they disappeared off the face of the earth. We heard nothing from
them and it became quite clear there was a problem.

Present day/this week, brother wife removed both me and OH off social media. It came to an head as clearly there was a problem.

OH spoke to brother who confirmed they didn’t like we had our baby as soon as we did, they told us it was their time and we essentially stole the limelight. My OH is in disbelief, his parents have never had any favourites with them or grandchildren they’re so fair. He then told OH that his wife did that on social media because we don’t like enough pictures of their daughter.

Me and OH don’t use this social media platform often but can’t understand why it’s an issue. Apparently I liked a picture of their daughter with wife’s brother and nothing else. I genuinely can’t even recall this and can only assume it’s been clicked in error as I don’t make a habit of liking stuff and I don’t always see it.

Anyway both brother and wife say they’re over it but wife won’t be socialising with us unless for family occasions and brother will try build relationship with OH alone. We don’t find this acceptable, we have said we are too upset and still amazed at their views (which apparently they’re entitled too) to then pretend to play happy families when necessary.

Apparently we need to accept we’ve upset them too, they’re allowed these views and we need to now move on and get on for their mum and dad.

Both me and OH disagree with this.

Sorry for the lengthy post but the question is who’s the unreasonable one? Are we in the wrong?

OP posts:
SukonthaM · 10/09/2021 09:11

This is absolutely ridiculous. I’m the youngest of 3 siblings, there’s 6 years between me and dsis and 14 years between me and dbro, but we all ended up having our first babies within 5 months of each other (I was pregnant first). All it meant for us though was that we got to go through it all together and now we have 3 cousins who are super close to each other. Your bil is so needy for attention it’s embarrassing.

TheBeastReleased · 10/09/2021 09:13

They sound completely nuts. I couldn't imagine feeling anything but happy for my brother and his partner when they announced they were expecting a baby just a few weeks after we announced my pregnancy. I think it's lovely for kids to have cousins a similar age to them.

I wouldn't be able to look past their extreme reaction. You'll be better off having nothing to do with them at least until they realise how totally silly they've been acting.

NoSquirrels · 10/09/2021 09:15

As to what I’d do, OP - I would rise above it.

SIL can avoid you if she wishes. Her prerogative. Don’t let this alienate your OH and his brother - if he’s married to someone a bit volatile then he might actually need his brother’s support.

On family occasions be the bigger person and play happy families.

If they want to explain to the grandparents what’s going on just let them. Because it’s a mad complaint, so they should own it not you. Don’t point fingers just rise above.

dannydyerismydad · 10/09/2021 09:16

How very sad. This would have been a lovely opportunity for cousins close in age to grow up having fun and playing together. What a missed opportunity for the children.

Actupfishy · 10/09/2021 09:23

Pair of weirdos!

Yerra · 10/09/2021 09:23

They are been nuts. We kinda had this in reverse. Got a child a few years ago (good few years ago) - my then partner and i hadnt planned it but now husband. His sister didn't like it. Within 3 months of us having child she was expecting. She didn't like that the attention was off her. To this day, she likes to be centre of attention. I / we could not care less. We see them at events even though they live closeby. She doesn't like me, don't know why. So we just suck it up, nice to them when we see them and get on with our own lives

MrsWooster · 10/09/2021 09:23

Get pregnant again ASAP and then, when they announce their dc2, kick off big time and flounce around saying they are being completely unreasonable. (Joking, in case anyone takes this seriously)

Boombadoom · 10/09/2021 09:24

They are fucking mental.

If it makes you feel any better, we have a similar issue. SIL has never gotten over the fact we had a baby before she did. Like absolutely never. She has spent the last 10 years doing everything she can to ‘one up’ us - bigger house, car, 3rd child, all whilst snubbing us.

I’ve reached a level of acceptance and think she’s a moron. They’re in loads of debt because of it and she still isn’t happy, let the nutters crack on.

SmashingBlouson · 10/09/2021 09:27

Sounds like they treat having a baby as show business or a competitive sport. With their mindset to parenting and relationships, I think there would have always been something that upset them if it wasn't the timing of your baby.

None of it is your fault, so I would just leave them to it. They will feel like idiots in a few years, most likely.

WindyWindsor · 10/09/2021 09:28

They sound complete batshit.

My next question is why hasn't OH's parents told them to stop being a couple of twats.

Honestly with batshit people like this you're worth just moving on with your life and ignoring them. Can't actually believe what I've read. They own your womb do they? Twats

Babybear1787 · 10/09/2021 09:30

Thank you no squirrels your reply is the one that has really caught my eye because we have thought exactly this…. There is something more we don’t know.

Both of us have literally begged and cried to them to tell us as we’d hate to think we have caused this and to please tell us the genuine issue. And we are clearly told no these are the issues/their views they’re entitled too which is why I actually created this post in disbelief.

There was no fertility issues, they were pregnant 3 months of trying after their wedding. All went healthy and well.
PND - not sure but would find hard to believe how she is going about life. They have a lovely life, plenty of money and she likes to show it. Also my OH has his MH struggles so I’d have expected BIL to have confided in him.
PIL are so fair and amazing, very diplomatic and try keep out and never share any views, although I think this may change now. Maybe BIL does think this but there is no indication. He says he was brought up allow time between big events. My OH says he’s never heard such thing despite having same upbringing.
Jealous/insecure - think this is only option and it is unbelievable. We don’t do much on SM (Instagram) and the posts were all her family/friends, us or PIL never feature which totally fine with us but they still feel we should like all these posts and interact.

Still completely at a loss.

OP posts:
Babybear1787 · 10/09/2021 09:33

Also no childcare issues. My oldest son is at school now but he went to nursery whilst I work and my mum helped. This time round, we will do nursery and as I work from home I will be working around OH shifts. MIL does help them 2 afternoons a week however we have not asked MIL for help but she very fairly made clear to us that she could not help us these afternoons as she had already agreed to help them these times but was open to other times. We agreed that was totally ok and would arrange near time as my work is very flexible.

PIL don’t really air opinions and views but they aren’t happy their sons are in this position. FIL told them to sort it out but we’re not sure we can and that we have gone past that.

OP posts:
Sirzy · 10/09/2021 09:33

How sad they can’t see the benefits for their child of having a cousin close in age. Ds best friend is his cousin who is 11 months older than him

Ourlady · 10/09/2021 09:34

Jesus Christ they are truly pathetic.

I would be telling them both to just sod off.

ILoveANameChange · 10/09/2021 09:35

Wow. Narcs!

Enjoy your baby. Flowers

glasgowLil · 10/09/2021 09:36

They sound ridiculous. Also if I’ve read your post right, your children are 10 months apart which is hardly close. My sister and sister in law had babies two weeks apart.
Do you think your sister in law might have postnatal depression? She’s not behaving very rationally. She’s clearly spending a lot of time on social media and obsessing over who likes her posts.
Could you talk to your mother in law and see what she thinks? She’s probably in a better position than you and your oh to find out and offer support.
Does SIL have a good relationship with her own parents? It’s odd she’s got obsessed about her PIL’s relationship with her child.

bigbaggyeyes · 10/09/2021 09:37

They don't sound mature enough to have Facebook let alone a baby. Batshit the pair of them

Mischance · 10/09/2021 09:40

Bonkers - just stark staring bonkers! It is amazing what people can find to take offence at!

Mascia · 10/09/2021 09:41

They’re being completely unreasonable.
My husband’s brother and his wife had their second child couple of months after we had our first one, it would have never occurred to me to think they were trying to steal our limelight Confused

BFCfairy · 10/09/2021 09:42

Yanbu.

How sad for your DH.

They remind me of my children who are 4,6,8 complaining a sibling has "copied" them by ordering ginger beer or such nonsense.

Social media aspect is also laughable.

So sad as cousins could be so close.

At least you don't need to see them but sad what could have been such a great happy family situation turned to this

pudcat · 10/09/2021 09:44

both my children were born 9 months after my SIL's two.

Brollypackedforscottishholiday · 10/09/2021 09:47

I clicked yabu.
Yabu to give a fuck.
Leave them to it.
Enjoy your dc..
Job done.

NoSquirrels · 10/09/2021 09:48

Both of us have literally begged and cried to them to tell us as we’d hate to think we have caused this and to please tell us the genuine issue. And we are clearly told no these are the issues/their views they’re entitled too which is why I actually created this post in disbelief.

Some people are just difficult personalities and there’s nothing you can do about it. Sounds like your SIL is one, I’m sorry. You can’t try to make people who are like this behave rationally. You can only learn to cope with how to deal with them.

Often people who are very self-centred can’t see it, and convince themselves that there are slights against them because they’re not the centre of attention. They see in others what they’re actually blind to in themselves. Sounds like this is happening here.

All you can do is tell PIL you haven’t fallen out with anyone, and leave the ball in their court. Don’t engage in hashing it out. Just ignore it and be nice when you are all together.

burritofan · 10/09/2021 09:48

They are absolutely batshit. And cruel. They’re depriving close-in-age cousins of the chance to have a relationship.

Knittedfairies · 10/09/2021 09:49

Didn't you get the memo that they were the only couple to have a child this year? They are loons...