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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

First ever post. Am I being unreasonable?

274 replies

Babybear1787 · 10/09/2021 08:20

Apologies all but I’m going insane and need your help.

Me and OH both 34 being together nearly 3 years. Both divorced previously and I’ve a nearly 5 year old and then we’ve just had a baby in July and fair to say we’re really happy.

I’m a only child and close with my parents, he is with his parents but also has a older brother who got married to his wife in 2019. When we met they were abit weary but accepted as long as he was happy, we then ended up building quite a nice relationship. We’d go for meals out as a 4, with his parents and even went away for the night together.

Just before covid and a few months after their marriage, brothers wife became pregnant. We were so happy for them and little girl arrived September 2020.

October 2020 me and OH discussed also having a family together. He had no children, after lockdown and seeing my son on his own I didn’t want him to be a only child like me and the decision was made to start trying with a view that it would take a few months and probably have a baby towards end of 2021. In fact it happened immediately 🙈 hence baby born in July.

Once everything ok at 12 weeks (week before Christmas) we told family. Both parents shocked but so happy another grandchild will be coming. OH told brother, his reply “bit soon”. I told his wife and her reply “I would of thought brothers parents would of had longer to enjoy our child first”.

To not taint our happiness we let it go, unfortunately tho it ate away at my partner because then over the course of my pregnancy they disappeared off the face of the earth. We heard nothing from
them and it became quite clear there was a problem.

Present day/this week, brother wife removed both me and OH off social media. It came to an head as clearly there was a problem.

OH spoke to brother who confirmed they didn’t like we had our baby as soon as we did, they told us it was their time and we essentially stole the limelight. My OH is in disbelief, his parents have never had any favourites with them or grandchildren they’re so fair. He then told OH that his wife did that on social media because we don’t like enough pictures of their daughter.

Me and OH don’t use this social media platform often but can’t understand why it’s an issue. Apparently I liked a picture of their daughter with wife’s brother and nothing else. I genuinely can’t even recall this and can only assume it’s been clicked in error as I don’t make a habit of liking stuff and I don’t always see it.

Anyway both brother and wife say they’re over it but wife won’t be socialising with us unless for family occasions and brother will try build relationship with OH alone. We don’t find this acceptable, we have said we are too upset and still amazed at their views (which apparently they’re entitled too) to then pretend to play happy families when necessary.

Apparently we need to accept we’ve upset them too, they’re allowed these views and we need to now move on and get on for their mum and dad.

Both me and OH disagree with this.

Sorry for the lengthy post but the question is who’s the unreasonable one? Are we in the wrong?

OP posts:
DishingOutDone · 10/09/2021 09:51

I went NC with BiL and SiL under very similar circumstances neatly 20 years ago and I have to say it’s suited us all marvellously. I recommend it.

Stinkywizzleteets · 10/09/2021 09:51

I loved that my brother and his wife had a baby less than a year after I had mine. The cousins love each other and are so close and we more or less share milestones and problems at the same time. It’s brought us together more as siblings too which I didn’t think was possible as we weren’t particularly close.

Chloemol · 10/09/2021 09:53

They are right in that they are allowed their own views, however stupid they are

But you are allowed yours as well whatever they may think

Personally, however upsetting, I would walk away. However if I was your dh I would be making sure your parents understood what they had said and how they have behaved and how it’s likely to affect family gatherings, so they understand it’s not down to you or your dh

Dh brother has made his views clear, I have no idea why he only wants to try and rebuild a relationship only with your dh, you are a family. It’s now up to your dh to agree to try and rebuild with just his brother or insist you come as a package and he rebuilds with you as a family

But make sure your pil understand this is not down to you or your dh

Briony123 · 10/09/2021 09:54

They obviously just don't like you very much! Leave them to get on with it and you crack on with your baby and your friends. You don't have to be great friends with your partner's relatives.

3peassuit · 10/09/2021 09:56

Completely nuts. I would have thought it nice to have cousins of a similar age to play together.

beastlyslumber · 10/09/2021 09:56

Jesus they are being ridiculous. It's not up to them to dictate when you have a child! It sounds like they've got upset and it's too embarrassing for them to say, sorry, that was stupid, so instead they're digging their feet in and acting as though this is reasonable.

I would stop the begging and crying and just keep saying, we haven't done anything wrong. Because that's true. Repeat this to PIL as well. "We'd love to sort it out but not sure what we can do, as we haven't done anything wrong, and we're not about to apologise for the existence of our much-loved child. So the ball is in their court."

Thecommentsmakemechuckle · 10/09/2021 09:58

My dd and Dniece are 4 months apart, my dd being the eldest, I was delighted when I found out she was getting a cousin so close in age. We were both ftm and I didn’t for a second think my thunder was being stolen - your in-laws are being brats.

timeisnotaline · 10/09/2021 09:59

@IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves

Oh, and I wouldn't be keeping their silliness a secret either. Whenever there's a genuine opportunity to naturally insert it into conversation I would be. Along with what a shame it is and how you hope they will forgive you for having your child because it's such a shame.

But I'm a cow so 🤷‍♀️

I guess I’m a cow too, because this!! Batshit does not deserve to be handed politely and discreetly, and they are definitely batshit.

They are even stupider because it’s lovely to have cousins the same age. Although thinking about it high risk little cousin is batshit too so perhaps just as well.
I hope your baby rolls over walks talks gets potty trained and starts reading at an earlier age than little precious Grin

misskatamari · 10/09/2021 10:00

They are absolutely bonkers, and seriously need some sort of therapy, as they so obviously have some issues for them to react in this way to something that really has zero to do with them. They are projecting on to you.

It's a real shame, and I'm sure I'd so hurtful, that they are effectively splitting the family apart. I don't see how you can reason with them though. Their attitude really does just make no sense. Anyone with any self awareness would realise this, and look a little deeper into why they're so upset about someone else having a family - instead they've run with it and gotten themselves het up and annoyed about stuff that is so inconsequential (Facebook likes...? Wtf? Anyone with half a brain knows they mean nothing anyway, and that's without taking into account what we know about algorithms now and how little of your friends stuff you usually ever see).

I'm sorry you're dealing with this.

I don't know how I would approach it. I would probably be tempted to write to them/email, laying out very matter of factly what has happened, that your choice to have a family is nothing to do with them, has no effect on them, and that issues with Facebook are neither here nor there. I would make it very clear that I view this as the end of it. No engagement in ANY more drama. They can feel how they want. (They are batshit!) but you have done nothing wrong, their responses are their responsibility, and if they want to break the family apart that is on them.
I would be done with it, and if they ever tried to bring it up again I would shut it down.

Utter utter madness on their part.

Peanutsandchilli · 10/09/2021 10:00

Wow, that's ridiculous. I'd just love the fact that my child would have a cousin close in age to them. They're crazy.

WobblingMoon · 10/09/2021 10:01

They are self-centred pricks. There are more folk like this than I'd like to have believed, based on what I've read on here. You get ones who object to a family member getting married in the same year that they're getting married. Longer term you'll probably be better off keeping them at a distance anyway.

BakedTattie · 10/09/2021 10:02

Yea they’re crazy

Marni83 · 10/09/2021 10:02

Engage brain op

Why would you be in the wrong?

5128gap · 10/09/2021 10:03

Of course they're being unreasonable and everyone is going to agree that they are, but it doesn't really help does it? They're not going to see the light just because people agree with you they are wrong. Your DP appears to have two choices: See his brother on his own, or refuse the terms and end his relationship with him. Its a choice only he can make. My advice to you is to keep out of it entirely. Don't get involved in discussions with the family about it and get on with your own life. Its unpleasant and hurtful, but you have no control over it, and the less you let the drama impact you the happier you will be.

pinkyredrose · 10/09/2021 10:04

Hope they're not going to bring their kid up to be as petty as they are.

Marni83 · 10/09/2021 10:04

Of course you know that.

starrynight87 · 10/09/2021 10:05

That is truly bizarre, let them fuss over nothing.

Bimblybomeyelash · 10/09/2021 10:05

They sound bonkers. The fact that my kids have no cousins is something I’m sad about. I would have loved for there to have been a family baby born shortly after one of mine! Big family Christmases with lots of cousins running around sounds like the family dream to me!

Saying that, I do think that in the long term, for the sake of his parents and all the children, your husband does need to try and get on with his brother. Clearly the four of you are not going to repair the friendship, but for the sake of family harmony you do need to move on. I don’t think you need to fake ‘happy families’ , but you just need to accept that they are odd, the friendship that you had is over , and then be civil and polite at family gatherings.

Strawbsaturno · 10/09/2021 10:05

Oh wow… thinking they can dictate when you have children this is next level entitlement.
I’m afraid I’d have to laugh in disbelief at them when if they spouted this nonsense at me!

RedToothBrush · 10/09/2021 10:06

I think I'd just tell them to get a grip and that its not a bloody competitive attention seeking with grandparents and over their social media obsession and they can do what they damn well like but I'm not pandering to their nonsense. In blunt terms.

You've got nothing to lose at this point. They've decided to be ridicilous and cut you out of their life. So let them get on it with it.

Wait until their no2 comes along...

donquixotedelamancha · 10/09/2021 10:06

OP start learning to use Photoshop. Every time their child achieves anything you one-up them the next day.

Their child first walks- your 18 month old is riding a bike.
Their child does a finger painting- yours does sunflowers.
Theirs builds a block tower- big picture on Facebook of yours finishing his Lego Taj Mahal.

Since you are low contact you can have years of fun with this. When theirs goes to high school yours can be starting early at Cambridge.

Yaya26 · 10/09/2021 10:09

Seriously?? Are they mad. Saddos. Who even thinks like that? I'd be delighted that the two cousins are close in age, another mum for days out/play dates and hopefully the kids would be friends as they grow. Wierd.

Notaroadrunner · 10/09/2021 10:10

They really are a pathetic pair of idiots. Best of luck when the child starts school. They'll probably ban every other child from being able to count first, read first etc. They are so stupid and self obsessed, they don't realise that their child will now miss out on a lovely relationship with yours. Stop pandering to them and don't bother bringing up the subject anymore. Let them piss off with their pfb and you and Dh focus on the sane people in your lives instead.

Ibizan · 10/09/2021 10:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NortieTortie · 10/09/2021 10:14

They sound absolutely mental.

My BIL and his ExW had a baby 6 months after ours and I thought that was lovely, they'd always have a playmate when visiting MIL. Confused

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