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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He won’t marry me. AIBU?

469 replies

anonnancy · 09/09/2021 07:48

Hi all.
From reading other posts similar to mine I suspect I know the answer to my question!

I have been with DP for 7 years. We have a beautiful 20 month old DS and he is the light of our lives. We own our home (both names
On the mortgage) and split bills fairly based on how much we earn (I do earn more than DP so I pay more to make it fair).

But he just won’t put a ring on it!

I love him very much, and when I probe him about it he just says “he can’t give me the wedding I want” (not sure what sort of wedding he thinks I want because even I don’t know that!) and I respond “it’s not the wedding I want it’s the marriage”. Still no proposal.

I’ve joked to have no more children until I am married. Seems to have little effect!

I didn’t think I’d be that bothered, but out of our group of friends we are the only couple still not married. I’m starting to get upset when I see friends or others I know that are getting engaged, because I am not. I know that sounds so pathetic! I just want to be his wife and he be my husband, but do I sit and wait for it to potentially never happen?

I certainly don’t want to feel like I’m forcing him down the aisle and I’d like him to marry me because he wants to and he sees his future with me. I don’t want him to propose because he thinks it’s what he should do / because he thinks I’ll leave otherwise.

I just feel a bit deflated by it all really and starting to struggle handling my emotions surrounding it..

I am very aware I probably sound like a needy / spoilt wench! Just need to vent to people who don’t know me I guess!

OP posts:
RedHelenB · 09/09/2021 07:51

I'd have got married before having children but as you haven't there is no real need to narry. I take it your child has your surname?

Dillyjones72 · 09/09/2021 07:56

There are a myriad of practical reasons to get married when you have a child. You aren’t even his next of kin at the moment. Or go and see a solicitor and get the finance stuff locked down now, as much as you can re anything happen wing to one of you.
You know you’ll be liable for inheritance tax if you aren’t married??

WimpoleHat · 09/09/2021 07:58

I do earn more than DP so I pay more to make it fair

Why? You’re just cohabiting individuals legally. I don’t think I’d be happy to share finances with someone when we weren’t married.

Whinge · 09/09/2021 07:58

I'm sorry OP. To put it simply, you want to marry him, but it's clear he doesn't want to marry you. Sad

WimpoleHat · 09/09/2021 07:58

(And no - you don’t sound needy or spoilt at all….)

Outbutnotoutout · 09/09/2021 07:59

As above, marry before children...

Done now

I would ask him if he sees a future with you and if yes, book a date at the registery office and get married. Under £200 for you two and two guests

Throw a big party after

If he isn't interested, I would question the relationship. Doesn't he want to secure a future for you both?

GeorgiaMcGraw · 09/09/2021 07:59

You are not needy or spoiled. I wouldn't want to have a child with a man I wasn't married to either, but DH and I agreed on our goals and plans before making commitments to each other. We both agreed on buying a house, then marriage, then kids. No room for disappointing surprises. I'm not sure what you can do at this point though if he point blank refuses. Explain why it is so important to you, why you think it will be good for you as a family, talk to him about what kind of wedding would make him happy, perhaps.

sar302 · 09/09/2021 07:59

If you genuinely just want the marriage and not the big wedding, then tell him that. That removes his current reason / excuse.

If he comes up with more excuses, then I'm afraid he doesn't want to marry you. It really is that simple. Unpleasant for you possibly, but simple.

Then you need to decide if it's a dealbreaker.

Whinge · 09/09/2021 08:01

@WimpoleHat

(And no - you don’t sound needy or spoilt at all….)
I agree. you don't sound needy and spoilt. You just sound like a person who realises that it's never going to happen and you're coming to terms with that and how it will alter your relationship going forward.

Can you see yourself staying with someone who doesn't want to marry you? I know it seems drastic to think about leaving. But he's happy with the way things are, and i'd be very susprised if he changes his mind in the future.

Beamur · 09/09/2021 08:04

I'm not sure I would want to marry a partner who refused to marry despite living together and having children.
What I would do though is get a will written that protects your assets and get that done pronto if you haven't already.

Itsbeen84yearss · 09/09/2021 08:07

You’re not the one. It’s quite simple no matter how much he dresses it up. If he doesn’t want to marry you he’ll leave or cheat on the end anyway when someone he does want to marry comes along. It’s always foolish to have the child first if you wanted marriage. You could try kicking him out. Not in an ultimatum sort of way. Just tell him you want different things and the relationship isn’t working for you. He may appear with a ring. He may not.
You can start over. I got remarried with one child.

Glssr195726113493 · 09/09/2021 08:07

You need to be really direct with him to ask why he’s fucking about. If he’s happy to buy a house with you, make a child with you, why the fuck is he not prepared to marry you? Like an above poster suggested, if he’s even against a register office job with a celebration after, then he has no intention of marrying you. I’m sorry. That’s really shit.

ByGrabtharsHammerWhatASavings · 09/09/2021 08:07

Yeh the "can't afford a big wedding" thing is nonsense. If he won't marry you then tell him you want to change your child's surname to either your name or double barrelled. Don't "joke" about "no more this or that" unless you mean it. And start thinking seriously about what you want to do if he never marries you. Is it a deal breaker? I don't want to marry my partner personally but I still see myself spending my life with him. To me marriage is just an administrative process and not something I have any romantic attachment towards. Occasionally I compare the pros and cons of being married vs cohabiting to see if I'm missing out on anything but atm I'm not. If we married it would be purely because we'd identified some administrative benefit, but that doesn't have any bearing on how I feel about my dp. However if he was really upset about not getting married then I would probably do it just to make him happy. So I guess you need to find out what your dp thinks, whether he just isn't into the idea of marriage, whether it's a sign he isn't committed to you, whether it's because he's trying to withhold something from you etc

thepeopleversuswork · 09/09/2021 08:10

Why do you want to get married if you earn more than he does? You have dodged a bullet I think.

thepeopleversuswork · 09/09/2021 08:14

Also the “can’t give you the wedding you want” is absolutely pitiful. If you still want to marry this man - and I can’t see why - he needs calling out on this sort of crap.

Honestly though I think you are far better off without him.

CaveMum · 09/09/2021 08:17

There are plenty of reasons to get married even if you’ve already had a child, next of kin has already been mentioned, there’s issues around inheritance (if something happens to one of you the other will be liable for inheritance tax on the 50% share of the house - might not be an issue now but years from now could well cause problems).

Honestly it’s far easier (and cheaper) to pop to the registry office and have a quick legal ceremony than it is to get a solicitor to draw up documents to try and confer some (but impossible to get all) the legal benefits of marriage.

You need to be upfront with him. Tell him you don’t want a “big wedding” and see what his response is. If he still tries to wriggle out of it then you need to decide if it’s a dealbreaker or not for you and tell him straight. You’ve then got to be prepared to follow through on any threats or he’ll never respect anything you say again.

mummypie17 · 09/09/2021 08:19

It's all excuses...I have a friend who really wanted to get married to her then boyfriend. They had been together for a number of years. However, her boyfriend said he didn't 'believe in marriage' and that 'it's just a piece of paper'. They broke up and the now ex-boyfriend met somebody else and married her. He looked happy as anything on his wedding day!

LakieLady · 09/09/2021 08:19

Would a civil partnership meet your need for legal protection and his reluctance not to have the big wedding that he seems to think you want?

And you could point out what a mess you'd be left in if he was to die suddenly, like my DP did last year. No will, no death in service benefit, he didn't have any significant pension provision, but if he had, it wouldn't have come to me. He had a few £k in savings, and his son very decently handed it all over to me, but he didn't have to.

The worst of it was that, under the influence of DP's ex, who had been abusive for most of their relationship, DSS took over the funeral arrangements because she was adamant she was coming to the funeral and I wasn't having it. At one point, I decided I wasn't going, but DSS didn't have a clue about arranging a funeral and so I got my own way on almost everything.

Maybe insisting he writes a will might make him realise that there are a lot of loose ends if you're not married or civil partners.

Hekatestorch · 09/09/2021 08:20

He doesn't want to get married.

You say you don't want to force him into it, but you want him to marry you when you know deep down he doesn't want to. You have to accept he will either propose and marry you because its what's you want or won't do it at all. Not sure you would be happy either way.

I don't think you are wrong to want to get married, but I think you expecting things of him that are unrealistic

I’ve joked to have no more children until I am married. Seems to have little effect!

Its not really a joke though is it? If you mean it, tell him straight. If you want an effect out of it, it's not joke. Don't lay your stall out and then say 'oh joke' if you were hoping to get a result.

Its not going to make you happy

Seventimesaday · 09/09/2021 08:21

Would you REALLY be happy with just a Registry Office wedding? Just you, him and two witnesses and the four of you having a meal afterwards? If so, then tell him that. Look at available dates, choose your witnesses and the restaurant. Tell him, when and where you could potentially get married. If he says no, well then you have your answer.

EllieRosesMammy · 09/09/2021 08:21

Why don't you propose to him? :) it's 2021 there's nothing wrong with the woman proposing instead x

DeepaBeesKit · 09/09/2021 08:22

Is he perhaps partly bothered because you earn more and he feels it would fall to him to pay for an expensive ring/wedding?

Be honest with him. But accept too that it might mean a small registry office job.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 09/09/2021 08:22

Have you sat down with him and told him how much it means to you and asked him why he diesnt want to be married and why he is making it all about the wedding when thats not important to you? What's his real reason?
I would make plans though as if you are not going to get married. Wills etc. Next of kin. Own savings etc.

LouNatics · 09/09/2021 08:24

Why do you want to get married? I’ve read your OP twice and the only reason I can see is that you want to be called husband and wife?

Other posters saying you’ve to outline how important it is, but without being able to explain why you actually want it, that conversation is likely to be frustrating to you both.

Being unmarried is the default, being married requires extra thought, effort, expense and invites others to interfere in/legislate your relationship. You need to have solid reasons to enter into a marriage, what are your reasons?

Rainbowqueeen · 09/09/2021 08:25

YANBU. If he can’t give you an actual reason that makes sense and tbh I have no idea what that would be, then he just doesn’t want to marry you
And knowing that causes feelings of insecurity, resentment and ill feelings. Take some time to really think about what marriage means to you and what not being married will do to your relationship moving forward. Speak to a therapist if you think it will help. Consider the legal implications.

Then make a decision and go with it.
Xx

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