He won’t marry me. AIBU?

[anonnancy]

Hi all.
From reading other posts similar to mine I suspect I know the answer to my question!

I have been with DP for 7 years. We have a beautiful 20 month old DS and he is the light of our lives. We own our home (both names
On the mortgage) and split bills fairly based on how much we earn (I do earn more than DP so I pay more to make it fair).

But he just won’t put a ring on it!

I love him very much, and when I probe him about it he just says “he can’t give me the wedding I want” (not sure what sort of wedding he thinks I want because even I don’t know that!) and I respond “it’s not the wedding I want it’s the marriage”. Still no proposal.

I’ve joked to have no more children until I am married. Seems to have little effect!

I didn’t think I’d be that bothered, but out of our group of friends we are the only couple still not married. I’m starting to get upset when I see friends or others I know that are getting engaged, because I am not. I know that sounds so pathetic! I just want to be his wife and he be my husband, but do I sit and wait for it to potentially never happen?

I certainly don’t want to feel like I’m forcing him down the aisle and I’d like him to marry me because he wants to and he sees his future with me. I don’t want him to propose because he thinks it’s what he should do / because he thinks I’ll leave otherwise.

I just feel a bit deflated by it all really and starting to struggle handling my emotions surrounding it..

I am very aware I probably sound like a needy / spoilt wench! Just need to vent to people who don’t know me I guess!

Tell him you have booked registry office!

I’m married but for me it was the other way around - DP wanted to get married and I was completely ambivalent about it. I agreed because it wasn’t a dealbreaker but if it had never been raised, it’s not something I would’ve been bothered about.

As for commitment - I know unmarried couples who’ve faithfully been together for decades. I know married couples who aren’t faithful or committed in the slightest.

Whose surname does your child have?

For a start, stop waiting around for him to propose to you. Ask him to marry you - he then gets to answer yes or no.

If yes, set a date.
If no, then you are very clear where you stand and can decide whether this is a deal breaker for you. At the very least you can put in place some legal protections for yourself and your ds (unless he's not keen to do that either).

I wanted to get married, it was important to me and my OH had told me he was going to whisk me away to rome to propose. Still waiting, he suggested i might want to be a SAHM and that was an absolute no. I had a career, we were not married so i wanted to ensure I had my own money and pension. So kept working, I couldnt work out why he was so resistant to marriage when he came from a stable home with parents who are still together after 50yrs of marriage. Whereas i came from a broken home.

Anyway terminal illness sharpened his mind and we got married in a hurry. The mess left behind when not married wasnt one I was going to be left with never mind managing the outlaws. So marriage has made things easier, we still have a will, funeral arrangements made and pension and assets are clear.

You have a home together and a child. Do you have life insurance? Will this pay off the home? Have you got wills including funeral wishes? That goes for both of you.

@toconclude think what you like of my comment. I personally I find the notion that all women benefit from marriage and dependent on a man both offensive and ludicrous. I am encouraging my daughter to be independent, equal and happy rather than to marry for security.

Absolutely don’t consider having more of his babies when he doesn’t love you enough to marry you despite knowing it’s important to you. You can’t change the fact that you’ve had one child with him before being married but you’d be a complete fool to have another now you’ve realised where things stand. Unless of course it’s a decision you make for you and you’re well aware that you’ll still be unmarried, in which case fair enough.

I would at this point sit him down and tell him you’re not getting what you want/need from the relationship and you think it’s best you spend some time apart considering both your futures. A separation like that will either send him into a panic about losing you and he’ll beg you to marry him, or it will show you (albeit painfully) that he would rather lose you than marry you.

If marriage is what you want (and I absolutely would in your position, don’t let yourself be gaslighted into thinking you’re somehow bratty because you want someone to want to marry you!!) then you will find it an awful lot easier to start again with only one child and your financial independence.

I'd have got married before having children but as you haven't there is no real need to narry

How is this comment helpful?

OP has a young child with her partner already and they are not married- this is a fact

There's lots of very good reasons why OP should get married- as covered in many of the above comments- and clearly she wants to but the issue is her partner is reluctant.

Rather than choosing to end the relationship, I would put it to him in practical terms why marriage is important for you (both).

Good luck OP, totally understand where you are coming from.

Why don't you propose to him? You want to marry him, why do you need to wait for him to ask you? It was more important to me than my husband, he wanted to but didn't feel the urge that I did. So I asked him! We are four years and two kids later now. He was v happy, turned out he'd been planning it anyway so it all worked out.

You might've said what you want op but your partner is obviously not taking you seriously. So you need to be clear about what the consequences are.

Either you want to be married and not being married means not being together. If that's the case then tell him that. If he wants to remain in an uncommitted relationship then he should find someone else to do it with.

Or you accept that marriage is not on his priority list and you slowly simmer about it whilst maintaining the relationship.

Fwiw I do sympathise as I had to have this exact conversation with my DH. And it was this blunt. If you're not prepared to get married by the end of the year then waste someone else's time. You knew marriage was important to me when we got together 7 years ago.

We got married.

Could it be that he's building it up to be a big expense and big deal with the organisation in his head and he's in full on avoidance management mode? If so, book the registry office and tell him when you're getting married. His reaction will give you the answer you need.

I definitely think you both need to separate 'marriage' and 'wedding'.
I am wondering if it's the actual wedding day that's the block.

Oh poor you. I was in that position with exH (spoilt the punchline there) - we were together for 6 years with one (unplanned) child when he eventually proposed but I was in a very similar position to you of being upset and frustrated that he wouldn't do it. TBH I was on the verge of dumping him over it when he did finally propose.
Turned out over our marriage (14 years) he was controlling in lots of ways, everything had to be his decision. I think in hindsight he did want to marry me but had to control when/where so made me wait for the proposal. It was not a good sign.
I also was insecure as I felt I'd "forced" him to marry me.
I was the higher earner too and he exploited that to his benefit, I was so keen for the marriage to work I basically gave him access to all our finances to make him happy.

So. In my case the lack of proposal was part of a bigger picture of putting his needs ahead of mine. With hindsight I should have seen it as a red flag.

I genuinely don't understand OP why women like you get themselves into this fix.

5 years ago you decided to have a baby together. That is FAR more of a commitment than a marriage (without children involved.)

So why did you do it this way round?

Call me old fashioned but it's far better to marry first then have children than the 'modern way' of the other way round.

Why did you have a baby with a man who wasn't then wanting to get married?

I know people who have never married and their kids are now adults, but they are happy with that and neither party feels the need to marry.

That's fine if it suits them .

But that's not you.

I can't see what you can do to be honest. Either you put up and shut up or walk away with your chid. But be interesting to know why your partner refuses to marry. scared of commitment? Yet he has committed to bring another human into the world and be a father?

Not sure of you and him?

What does he say?

@TurquoiseDress

I'd have got married before having children but as you haven't there is no real need to narry

How is this comment helpful?

OP has a young child with her partner already and they are not married- this is a fact

There's lots of very good reasons why OP should get married- as covered in many of the above comments- and clearly she wants to but the issue is her partner is reluctant.

Rather than choosing to end the relationship, I would put it to him in practical terms why marriage is important for you (both).

Good luck OP, totally understand where you are coming from.

This comment is very helpful to anyone reading and planning children with a man they want to marry after the kids are born and the mortgage papers are signed.

Far too many people for whom marriage is important take that leap of faith, only to fall flat on their face.

I asked DH to marry me - simple. Booked the register office, did the deed. Why not ask your partner ? Are we living in 1950 that you have to wait for a proposal ....just do it. If he still says no you have your answer.

I hope you are on the house deeds not just the mortgage... big difference!

Only you can decide if it's a deal breaker.

My DH didn't want a wedding but was very happy to be married. All those years he wouldn't buy himself through the discomfort of a small wedding really hurt though and it did become a deal breaker.

I've had the proposal, gifts for producing our DC etc but he is a hands on spouse and partner that does his fair share including the mental load which is priceless.

What you want is just as valid as what he wants. You say you don't want to 'force him down the aisle' but by that reckoning, he is forcing you to remain 'single'. If you really want to be married tell him so, don't be distracted by talk of big weddings, or the cost, or anything else, he has the option of marrying you, or walking away. But if you say it, you have to mean it. I cannot fathom why so many women hang around waiting for a proposal, ie waiting for their dp to decide their future for them.

Sorry I meant 5 years into your relationship you decided to have a child.

He doesn't want to be tied to you, even though he actually has more to gain financially from it than you do. I wish these wet blankets would actually own it and say it rather than being all mealy mouthed about it. Make your decision based on that knowledge.

Ugh always the same on these posts. People always crawl out of the woodwork to tell you how they did things just right and they would NEVER have been so foolish as you it's so nasty, stomach churingly smug and worse it's so unhelpful.

YANBU to be upset but I do think waiting around for a proposal when you already have a child together is unnecessary. At this point you should be able to say to him "I want the security of marriage for us and mostly for DS, so will we go ahead and start planning a wedding/book the registry office?". If he can't give a clear answer to a straight question, drags his heels or deflects then sadly you know where you stand and if it were me I couldn't be with him anymore and would take steps toward end the relationship.

All the posters saying propose to him

Seriously?

Surely the fact she has made it plain she wants to get married IS a proposal in as many words!

I don't think this has anything to do with money, you just want to marry your boyfriend because you love him. The awful fact is your boyfriend doesn't want to marry you. I really hope you didn't give your son your boyfriends name. Or was it simply wishful thinking that someday you would all have the same surname?
If you propose to your boyfriend all he will say is that he wants to propose to you 'when the time is right' as it's tradition. He has already proved he isn't traditional by having a child with you, his girlfriend. So you'll know when he says that it isn't true.

I'm on the fence about this one.
(Background: been with DP over 20 years, have one DC.)

In depends why he doesn't want to get married and the answer "he can't give you the wedding that you want" makes me wonder whether the idea of marriage/being a husband makes him feel as though he would have to act/behave in a way that he doesn't feel capable of, rather than just him being a commitment-phobe.

I also wondered why getting married was important to you, as based on what you have written, there is no pressing reason to do so. I don't think that you sound spoilt, there is nothing wrong with wanting commitment and security, or an expression of his love, but all your friends being married is a poor reason in my eyes.

Counselling is really good for unpicking these issues - either both of you, or just you (as I suspect he won't what to go along!). If he is a good partner/father in other ways then I think you'll have to back off a bit, or do as PP suggested and propose/frog march him to the registry office for a low-key do.

Look, you are sharing your finances, body and future with this guy. Once you have a child together, your are irrevocably in each other's lives to a degree, until that child is grown.

Stop joking around.

Propose to him. Explain that you want and need that commitment.

Alternatively, if he really does not want marriage, you can head down to the solicitors to sort out wills, NOK and guardian rights. It's going to cost him a lot more than a registry office and a meal. You will also be rearranging your finances to stash away extra savings in the cash of a break-up.

Why the hell is he stalling? For something better than you? Fear of commitment (more than a mortgage/child?). Fear of the future? Either way, after so long its fucking offensive.

No @Recessed it's not nasty or smug, it 's asking the OP to consider her chain of actions and what's changed for her emotionally.

If they decided 2 years back to TTC and now have a child, why wasn't commitment/ marriage thought of then?

Why has she suddenly wanted marriage when she didn't before?

Honestly, it's not being smug, it's being genuinely confused over how some women's emotions work.

But being personal (and smug :) ) there is NO WAY I'd have had a child with a man not committed enough to get married.