He won’t marry me. AIBU?

[anonnancy]

Hi all.
From reading other posts similar to mine I suspect I know the answer to my question!

I have been with DP for 7 years. We have a beautiful 20 month old DS and he is the light of our lives. We own our home (both names
On the mortgage) and split bills fairly based on how much we earn (I do earn more than DP so I pay more to make it fair).

But he just won’t put a ring on it!

I love him very much, and when I probe him about it he just says “he can’t give me the wedding I want” (not sure what sort of wedding he thinks I want because even I don’t know that!) and I respond “it’s not the wedding I want it’s the marriage”. Still no proposal.

I’ve joked to have no more children until I am married. Seems to have little effect!

I didn’t think I’d be that bothered, but out of our group of friends we are the only couple still not married. I’m starting to get upset when I see friends or others I know that are getting engaged, because I am not. I know that sounds so pathetic! I just want to be his wife and he be my husband, but do I sit and wait for it to potentially never happen?

I certainly don’t want to feel like I’m forcing him down the aisle and I’d like him to marry me because he wants to and he sees his future with me. I don’t want him to propose because he thinks it’s what he should do / because he thinks I’ll leave otherwise.

I just feel a bit deflated by it all really and starting to struggle handling my emotions surrounding it..

I am very aware I probably sound like a needy / spoilt wench! Just need to vent to people who don’t know me I guess!

I’m sorry it’s come to this, OP. But I think you’re making the right decision, better sooner than later.

Your partner will probably try to get you back, but as you say, too little too late. If you let him pull you back, you’d be facing the same problem later, perhaps with more DC and less chance of rebuilding a good life for yourself and DC.

I hope everything turns out well for you and DS.

So sorry you are going through this. Saving your rainy day fund is a great idea. Just checking you have really, really good contraception in place? Not unheard of for sabotage taking place when a break up is being considered.

I’m so sorry to hear it’s gone this way, OP, and about the pain you are having to go through. I do know that heartbroken feeling. I hope you will find someone who is honest and values you.

Thank you all for your kind words. I know I will be OK eventually but hard to see it at the moment when I’m in the thick of it. Just posting here as feel a bit lonely and thought I’d give an update on where I am with things.

@2catsandhappy I am on the depo along with not actually “doing it” lol so think I’m pretty safe there!

I’ve been putting away some more money and he knows my plans. He keeps trying to swerve me and pull me back in but I’m not falling for it. Like I’ve said previously it is a little too late tbh.

He has agreed we put the house on the market and we have someone coming to value the house next week. We are sleeping separately (much to his dismay) and he is in the spare room. I’m trawling right move looking for somewhere
For me and DS once the house is sold.

I have an appointment with a solicitor to write up a will too so that if anything happens to me I know things are tied up as much as they can be.

Feeling utterly crap, throwing myself into my work and DS to keep myself as distracted as possible.

Oh, and I deleted my “wedding” Pinterest board as feel like being married is even further out of reach than ever lol! Woe is me 🤣 x

Well done for taking action and having these boundaries. I hope you find someone who would be honoured to marry you! You sound lovely and deserve better

Well done.

He really thought you would stay regardless and that you feelings didn't matter.

You will be fine, the pain subsides and that "why am I not good enough" will stop gnawing away at you.

Be prepared for him to get with something else and marry them quickly in the honeymoon phase before they really know each other!

Well done OP on making such positive steps. Best wishes to you. Stay strong and keep moving forward rather than looking back.

I wish I'd been as brave and strong as you when I was 28.

Being strong and practical whilst being heartbroken is so difficult. You're absolutely doing the right thing x

You have dodged a bullet here OP. It may not seem like it now but you will come to be very grateful over time.

He has agreed we put the house on the market and we have someone coming to value the house next week. We are sleeping separately (much to his dismay) and he is in the spare room

Well done. Let him feel the consequences of his actions (or inactions). You shouldn’t feel crap; you’re making a strong step for your own well being. You should feel proud of yourself.

Sorry for your troubles OP and how this is playing out for you. I agree you've likely dodged a bullet here.

Is there really no chance that he would accept you 'buying him out' of the house and you could make that work? Could you do a deal that takes into account the maintenance he will now be due to pay etc? On the basis that when the house is sold, he won't be able to afford much anyway it seems crazy to generate costs of moving if you can possibly avoid it.

Ah sorry to hear this OP. You're doing the right thing but it is sad

Well you’re being way braver and smarter than most. I suspect he will try to back track on this time especially when things become very financially uncomfortable for him. It doesn’t sound like he loves you though so I would forge forward and make a new life for you and your dc. I got married to the wrong guy at 27, had dd at 29. Separated a year later. Met and married my lovely DH when she was three. It can be done but don’t let him waste another moment of your life

You are a great woman.

In pain at the moment for sure, but believe me you will realise in the not too distant future that your bravery has saved you.

It is painful to hear but guys like him settle until someone else takes their fancy.

He was building up equity on your back, that is the truth.

Mind your money and show him your steel by being ruthless with money now.

He may try to swerve you as it doesn't suit him now but you can show him your strength and that you are no fool.

Keep posting and don't worry about being sad.
You are disappointed now for sure, but a little bit of distance and you will definitely be glad you didn't allow yourself to be used by him.
Please seek support from those who love you.

Everyone on mumsnet seems to be obsessed with the notion of marriage.

You own the house equally. You earn more than him. Maintain your independence

Start dating again op
Don't let the boyfriend stand in the way of finding your husband. I don't see why not it's not like he's going to commit so you shouldn't either.

You earn more than him, gave him a family home base and to add to the cherry on top of this uncomfortable sundae you have a some kind of a 60/40 or 70/30 type of relationship where he doesn't even have to pay HALF of the bills so it's 'fair on him'. What a mess.

I'm sorry it took 7 years of you enabling a weak man like this but you should have prioritised getting married first before sharing an address and roof let alone buying a house and having a baby. Too many women think pretending to be a wife, then becoming a mum and THEN asking for marriage means he'll marry without fail yet it rarely works out that way (even for engaged women) hence why we have low marriage rates and even higher divorce rates because most couples start out cohabitating with women usually assuming that it's a 'trial run for marriage' or 'preparation for an engagement' when it's simply financial and sexual conveneince for the man.

Yet most of these couples end up not marrying and just settle as unofficial 'life long partners', those who do end up marrying have a higher chance of divorce because the one who didn't want to 'settle' isn't truly invested because they were simply leading the other on and felt pressured to finally marry (cohabitation being one of the main contributors of divorce as its how most serious relationships start these days).

Hopefully I'm wrong about your situation and you have since married. (sorry being engaged doesn't count, it gives him more time to stall).

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