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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

He won’t marry me. AIBU?

469 replies

anonnancy · 09/09/2021 07:48

Hi all.
From reading other posts similar to mine I suspect I know the answer to my question!

I have been with DP for 7 years. We have a beautiful 20 month old DS and he is the light of our lives. We own our home (both names
On the mortgage) and split bills fairly based on how much we earn (I do earn more than DP so I pay more to make it fair).

But he just won’t put a ring on it!

I love him very much, and when I probe him about it he just says “he can’t give me the wedding I want” (not sure what sort of wedding he thinks I want because even I don’t know that!) and I respond “it’s not the wedding I want it’s the marriage”. Still no proposal.

I’ve joked to have no more children until I am married. Seems to have little effect!

I didn’t think I’d be that bothered, but out of our group of friends we are the only couple still not married. I’m starting to get upset when I see friends or others I know that are getting engaged, because I am not. I know that sounds so pathetic! I just want to be his wife and he be my husband, but do I sit and wait for it to potentially never happen?

I certainly don’t want to feel like I’m forcing him down the aisle and I’d like him to marry me because he wants to and he sees his future with me. I don’t want him to propose because he thinks it’s what he should do / because he thinks I’ll leave otherwise.

I just feel a bit deflated by it all really and starting to struggle handling my emotions surrounding it..

I am very aware I probably sound like a needy / spoilt wench! Just need to vent to people who don’t know me I guess!

OP posts:

middlingmess · 09/09/2021 11:02

I wouldn't be subbing someone unless I was married - especially as it sounds like the only reason he doesn't want to is he's keeping his options open

MyPatronusIsACat · 09/09/2021 11:08

@sar302

If you genuinely just want the marriage and not the big wedding, then tell him that. That removes his current reason / excuse.

If he comes up with more excuses, then I'm afraid he doesn't want to marry you. It really is that simple. Unpleasant for you possibly, but simple.

Then you need to decide if it's a dealbreaker.

Pretty much what I was going to say.

@anonnancy I really do feel for you, and as many posters have said, you do NOT sound needy and spoilt, you have every right to know why the father of your child doesn't want to marry you - his son's mother.

Basically, the message that children get, (when their parents are not married, and they discover it's their father who has refused to get married all these years,) is that their father doesn't think their mother is good enough to marry.

And to be honest, if there's one person in a couple who doesn't want to get married, it's almost ALWAYS the man. Either they both don't want to, or HE doesn't want to. I have yet to meet an unmarried couple where the man wants to get married, and the woman doesn't.

I have also known quite a number of women who have stayed with a man for YEARS and often wasted their twenties, and early thirties on him, in the hope that he will eventually marry her. Then either he dumps her, and is married to someone else within 2 years, or she gets sick of being strung along, and ends it with him, and then he is married to someone else within 2 years. So it's not that he didn't want to get married, he just didn't want to marry her...

Many women in this situation waste the best years of their youth (and fertile years) on a man that doesn't want to marry them. They think (and hope) that he will change his mind, especially when he says 'maybe one day, maybe....' and even buys her an 'engagement ring' to shut her up. If a man hasn't married you within 5 or 6 years (despite knowing you want to be married,) he ain't gonna marry you...

I have no suggestions though sorry, apart from end it with him, or suffer not being married... ever...

MyPatronusIsACat · 09/09/2021 11:08

@Hopdathelf

Maybe he just doesn’t want to get married? Lots of people don’t for a number of reasons. Surely this was something you discussed earlier in the relationship/before having a child together?

Not necessarily. As I said, some men string women along with the 'maybe one day' trope. Many men don't say 'no WAY am I ever getting married (not to you anyway') because they risk their partner ending it.

Some men can't be without a girlfriend/partner, as there are a lot of pluses and advantages to being in a relationship (for men anyway!). So they don't want her to leave/end it. Not until he has found someone else anyway.

@SunshineCake

I find it sad, and pathetic really, that men think a child is worth less than a marriage. Think about it. Men are happy to knock you up but don't want to tie themselves to you and risk losing "their" money. Then they fuck off and don't bother about their child.

This. ^ In spades.

Dontbeme · 09/09/2021 11:09

We own our home (both names on the mortgage) and split bills fairly based on how much we earn (I do earn more than DP so I pay more to make it fair)

@anonnancy Pay more into the mortgage if you want but don't be pay 50/50 on the mortgage and then be the one that subsidises the "fun" stuff like holidays and gadgets or days out. Put your money into an asset that you can claim if he walks away. A friend learned that lesson the hard way, she was the higher earner and paid extra for just about everything, he walked and now the new woman enjoys the fruits of my friends labour. Women need to be smarter about finances and not be swept away by "but I love him" and hollow promises of a future that never comes.

RunnerDown · 09/09/2021 11:09

@Recessed

Ugh always the same on these posts. People always crawl out of the woodwork to tell you how they did things just right and they would NEVER have been so foolish as you

it's so nasty, stomach churingly smug and worse it's so unhelpful.

YANBU to be upset but I do think waiting around for a proposal when you already have a child together is unnecessary. At this point you should be able to say to him "I want the security of marriage for us and mostly for DS, so will we go ahead and start planning a wedding/book the registry office?". If he can't give a clear answer to a straight question, drags his heels or deflects then sadly you know where you stand and if it were me I couldn't be with him anymore and would take steps toward end the relationship.

Completely agree with this. I think you have to decide whether you would walk away if he won’t marry you. And I suspect that if it’s bothering you now that resentment will continue to fester and be bad for the relationship in the long term. If you cant bear to split up then accept the statues quo. . If not then I would tell him how important it is to you. You absolutely don’t need to feel you are being needy. We only get 1 chance at life and it doesn’t matter 1 iota what other people think of being married or not married- it’s about what’s right for you. You need to tell him calmly and without any anger that you want to be married and if that’s not to him there is no future together. And you need to mean it .

MyPatronusIsACat · 09/09/2021 11:10

@MorrisZapp

I live with my DP, unmarried, have one kid. I don't want to marry him or anyone else, I'm just not that into marriage.

The idea that I'm going to cheat then leave is absolutely laughable. This thread is beyond ridiculous, marriage is not required by two adults living together and my son has everything he needs thank you, regardless of how our relationship might change in the future.

Most useless, and most unhelpful post on the thread.

As has been said READ THE OP's original post PROPERLY. She wants to get married!!!

Also wtf does 'I am not into marriage even mean?

More fool you, having kids with a man who you're not married to. Your DP has got it made hasn't he? You split up, and you are entitled to fuck all of his.

And like in most relationships the MAN will be the higher earner, but he will make sure you (and your child(ren,) get the lowest amount of financial support possible from him, if/when you split up. (If any at all!)

I am sure you will say you earn twice as much as him. But you don't...

And yeah I am a fully paid-up member of the 'don't have children with a man until you're married' brigade. And more than happy to be.

ChristinaXYZ · 09/09/2021 11:16

@Outbutnotoutout

As above, marry before children...

Done now

I would ask him if he sees a future with you and if yes, book a date at the registery office and get married. Under £200 for you two and two guests

Throw a big party after

If he isn't interested, I would question the relationship. Doesn't he want to secure a future for you both?

I think this too - ask if he sees a future, frankly he must have reservations. If no more commitment then don't make it worse by having more kids. Better to end things now. And stop paying for over 50% of the stuff when he won't commit. If he has a genuine reason for being scared of marriage (his parents marriage?) then get you both some therapy.

Kales29 · 09/09/2021 11:16

Not much help op but I'm a similar situation. We've been together for 9 years and 2dc, a house etc.

Dp insists he wants to marry me but just hasn't found the right time, also financially he says we cannot afford it (I don't want a big wedding), says he doesn't want a long engagement and he also says weddings make him anxious as he hates being centre of attention - which is totally true, he does hate it. But I keep telling him I want a small wedding!

lassingd · 09/09/2021 11:17

Was it discussed before having the child? If it wasn't discussed, then I can see your point, it's kind of implied that marriage will follow. But if marriage was discussed, and not getting married was a spoken agreement of proceeding, then I don't see the problem.

Marriage is a contract with very specific and sometimes arbitrary terms, and the terms don't necessarily suit everyone. Also dissolving a marriage is a horrific experience. I can understand not wanting to be put in the line for that.

In absence of marriage there are other signs of commitment, property in your name, will signed and sealed.

DrManhattan · 09/09/2021 11:20

Sounds harsh but if he wanted to - he would.

AnneLovesGilbert · 09/09/2021 11:22

@Kales29

Not much help op but I'm a similar situation. We've been together for 9 years and 2dc, a house etc.

He obviously doesn’t. He’ll know as well as the next man that you can get married with no fuss or centre of attention nonsense at all. It costs barely anything to sign the papers in the registry office with two random witnesses.

He’s fobbing you off. Fine if you want to accept that but I’d stop discussing it because his ever changing excuses must be starting to feel a bit embarrassing.

RosiePosieDozy · 09/09/2021 11:22

Is it just the commitment you want? Legally binding? If it is, I would sit him down and tell him that and tell him you'd be happy to get married just you two in a registry office (if you would be happy with that).

If he still puts the idea down, you need to seriously consider the future of your relationship. You're the mother of his child and if he still can't commit to you, that's a big shiny red flag to me.

thepeopleversuswork · 09/09/2021 11:23

@MorrisZapp

I live with my DP, unmarried, have one kid. I don't want to marry him or anyone else, I'm just not that into marriage.

I don't disagree with you: I loathe the idea of being married. Also the OP clearly would not benefit from being married so she's at an advantage if she remains unmarried.

But the point is that the OP wants to get married and the DP is dicking her about with nonsense like "can't give you the wedding you want".

Anyone using an excuse that poor for not engaging with what's needed for a lifetime partnership is not worth investing the time in.

Hoppinggreen · 09/09/2021 11:24

Tell him you don’t want a wedding you want to get married
Ones an expensive party and the other is a legally binding contract
Unfortunately at the moment you have no more rights than if you were in a flat share. You should have insisted before having a baby with him but too late for that now

LalalalalalaLand123 · 09/09/2021 11:25

It's really sad for me to say this OP, but I think that if I were in your shoes, I would feel like he's already made his choice. He's made it clear that he doesn't want to marry me. He doesn't seem to have a legitimate objection to marriage as a concept, just marriage to me. I can't see how that could be turned around to the point where I would ever be convinced that he really DID want to marry me, enthusiastically, where I wouldn't be worried about resentment from him further down the line (eg 'well I never wanted to get married in the first place but you forced me into it' kind of thing). I wish you luck OP. But I would feel that this guy is just not that into me.

Mermoose · 09/09/2021 11:28

It sounds like you need to go to counselling with him, because if you (naturally enough) want to marry him and he doesn't want to marry you, that's a problem you both need to tackle head on. He needs to understand how that hurts you and you need to find out why he doesn't want to get married. After that you can better judge what to do.

TheGirlCat · 09/09/2021 11:30

OP propose to him. Ask him to marry you. His response/if he gives excuses will tell you the truth of the matter if he wants to marry you or if he used the big wedding as an excuse. If marriage is important to you (and I don't blame you, it's important to me and to many women to feel that commitment and security) then you need to walk if his answer makes it obvious he never will commit to you.

jeannie46 · 09/09/2021 11:35

Is he committed to you and your child in other ways than marriage? Has he nominated you both for his death in service benefits, has he insured his life ( in trust) in your favour? Has he written a will in your favour? If not then he's not just indifferent re marriage but indifferent towards you and your child's future security.

The most common way children are disinherited is by people dying, writing a will in favour of their partner/spouse who then goes on to hitch up/marry leaving their estate to second partner/wife.

You should therefore write a will leaving your estate to your child. You will need a neutral ( ie not your partner) executor/trustee. A sibling?

Hopefully you have your name on the house? If not get it on. If so do you hold the house as joint tenants ( you each will automatically get the full ownership of the house on the partner's death) or tenants in common ( you can each will your share of the house away from your partner eg to your child directly.) I would suggest you make sure it's the latter to protect your child.

A by-product of the above will be that your partner knows you mean business and are no longer a push over. You can present it as 'as we are not going to marry you do understand that I need to provide for our child.' If he doesn't think that's reasonable then you really really know he's a ...... You may well learn more than you bargained for about your partner as you start to plan your future. (Is he married already?)

Incidentally have you got income protection if you fall ill? Ill health can ruin any future financial security - loss of house, no more pension contributions etc. ( How would your partner react if you couldn't earn?)

RosesAndHellebores · 09/09/2021 11:36

Big life decisions.
Get, engaged, get married, have children - in that order. Best advice my mother ever gave me. I'd also say, if you are committed enough to buy a house, you should be committed enough to get married before doing it.

Annoyedanddissapointed · 09/09/2021 11:37

Bit scary to realise some people see marriage as bigger commitment than having kids, isn't it.

Dontbeme · 09/09/2021 11:39

@Kales29

Not much help op but I'm a similar situation. We've been together for 9 years and 2dc, a house etc.

How does he feel about imposing anxiety on you by not providing the full extent of legal protection to you and his children in the worse case scenario of him dying unexpectedly? Does he think that making you financially vulnerable, with two grieving children is not anxiety inducing, where you have to wonder how you can afford to keep your current home, pay bills, support two kids without access to death benefits that marriage could provide, all while dealing with your own grief and two small grieving kids? But sure he doesn't want his bride and two witnesses to look at him at a small wedding.

MsTSwift · 09/09/2021 11:40

Legally you can sort most stuff but not inheritance tax or pension.

If you are confident you can support yourself and would not need any financial support if you split that’s fine but look into iht and pension as these can trip up unmarried couples on death

Ori3 · 09/09/2021 11:44

Just to add a different perspective - I have a very good female friend who has two children with her partner. He wants to get married, she doesn't. BUT - she isn't feeling like he might be "the one," and I know they've grown somewhat apart over the last year (no sexual intimacy etc.)

I don't know what to say really, other than I think you really need to talk to him about his reasons for not going ahead with it. It may be that he's just worried about something, such as "the big white wedding," and in that case you can put his mind at ease. You do need to have a conversation now, for your own sanity.

timeisnotaline · 09/09/2021 11:44

@Annoyedanddissapointed

Bit scary to realise some people see marriage as bigger commitment than having kids, isn't it.

Well, if walking away from a child you can be required to pay 100 a month for your dc, and lots of this goes unpaid. If walking away from a marriage, you can have to share half your assets including pension.

TractorAndHeadphones · 09/09/2021 11:47

You’re the higher earner - house 50/50 - what does he think he’s going to lose?
Present you rational reasons to him. If he counters with vague things like he ‘feels’ he doesn’t want it call him out on his BS.
Nobody ‘feels’ a thing strongly without a reason.

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