He won’t marry me. AIBU?

[anonnancy]

Hi all.
From reading other posts similar to mine I suspect I know the answer to my question!

I have been with DP for 7 years. We have a beautiful 20 month old DS and he is the light of our lives. We own our home (both names
On the mortgage) and split bills fairly based on how much we earn (I do earn more than DP so I pay more to make it fair).

But he just won’t put a ring on it!

I love him very much, and when I probe him about it he just says “he can’t give me the wedding I want” (not sure what sort of wedding he thinks I want because even I don’t know that!) and I respond “it’s not the wedding I want it’s the marriage”. Still no proposal.

I’ve joked to have no more children until I am married. Seems to have little effect!

I didn’t think I’d be that bothered, but out of our group of friends we are the only couple still not married. I’m starting to get upset when I see friends or others I know that are getting engaged, because I am not. I know that sounds so pathetic! I just want to be his wife and he be my husband, but do I sit and wait for it to potentially never happen?

I certainly don’t want to feel like I’m forcing him down the aisle and I’d like him to marry me because he wants to and he sees his future with me. I don’t want him to propose because he thinks it’s what he should do / because he thinks I’ll leave otherwise.

I just feel a bit deflated by it all really and starting to struggle handling my emotions surrounding it..

I am very aware I probably sound like a needy / spoilt wench! Just need to vent to people who don’t know me I guess!

Maybe he just doesn’t want to get married? Lots of people don’t for a number of reasons. Surely this was something you discussed earlier in the relationship/before having a child together?

@drpet49

* You’re not the one. It’s quite simple no matter how much he dresses it up. If he doesn’t want to marry you he’ll leave or cheat on the end anyway when someone he does want to marry comes along.*

*utter rubbish.

Why is it rubbish? He clearly isn’t that bothered about her

I live with my DP, unmarried, have one kid. I don't want to marry him or anyone else, I'm just not that into marriage.

The idea that I'm going to cheat then leave is absolutely laughable. This thread is beyond ridiculous, marriage is not required by two adults living together and my son has everything he needs thank you, regardless of how our relationship might change in the future.

It’s fine that the OP currently earns more than her DP and is in a financially secure position, but that may not always be the case - her DP may get a big promotion, she may lose her job, she may decide actually she’s does want more children and takes a career break, etc.

As depressing as it may be, we have to plan our lives according to “what ifs” and worst case scenarios - that’s why we have life insurance policies. Assuming that the status quo will remain is how people get into difficult situations - like the SAHM whose name is not on the house, of course she assumes that her DP will stand by her or do the right thing in the event of a split, but the fact is people are selfish and will try to do the bare minimum/what is best for THEM.

@anonnancy if you can reconcile yourself with the idea of never being married then at least get the legalities in order. If being married is a dealbreaker for you then tell your DP and stick to it.

As my mum said to me “ you don’t buy the cow if your getting the milk for free”… joking aside, why do you want to get married? Is it so you all have the same name - is it security…. Write it all down and tell him. As mentioned by others there are practical reasons: inheritance tax, tax code sharing, next of kin etc….he seems happy as he is, I’m afraid you wills to find something other than love to motivate him into taking vows…

@Dogsandbabies

Again, mn and the 'marry before you have children' brigade.

Clearly the OP is earning well, owns her part of the house. Why marry at all? It sounds like, if anything, marriage would put her at a disadvantage.

However OP, as you also want to marry for what sounds like sentimental reasons I would just sit him down and explain why you want to marry him. See what he says. I was very clear with my partner that I do not want to marry him. Ever. I explained all my reasons and he understood and made his peace with it. We have lovely children, a wonderful relationship and happy life. As well as good wills and arrangements.

You're blurring two issues here.

The OP wants to marry. It's true that if you've already had a child and, like the vast majority of unmarried mothers, given the baby father's surname, that's some incentive gone. Same with buying a property together. DP has already enjoyed the benefits of OPs reproductive labour and high salary, so it's no longer an option not to engage in either of these without marriage. If marriage is what you want, of course its good advice not to do these things before getting married, even if you and I might prefer not to marry at all in OPs shoes.

I refused to have children without being married first - i stuck to my principles and it worked - it was a deal breaker for me. I wanted someone to marry me for me not just because I was the mother of their child

Problem is it's like closing the stable door after the horse has bolted. When children come along it's even more impossible to justify the expense of a wedding

Unfortunately I think you just need to get used to the fact it likely will never happen

Why must you wait for a proposal? Propose to him! At least you'll have your answer either way.

If my partner is waiting for the woman he wants to marry to come along, he's playing an incredibly long game... we're coming up to 16 years together, 13 of those before we had a child 🙄

Why would “no more children” be a threat? Does he want more? It’s done now, but if marriage was that important to you, then you should have insisted on that before children.

As my mum said to me “ you don’t buy the cow if your getting the milk for free”

No indictment of your mum, as I understand why a mum would give this advice. But that's an absolutely horrible expression!

For the love of Mike, just ask him to marry you. Book registry office, job done.

I find it sad, and pathetic really, that men think a child is worth less than a marriage. Think about it. Men are happy to knock you up but don't want to tie themselves to you and risk losing "their" money. Then they fuck off and don't bother about their child.

I'm normally an advocate of the take things into your own hands instead of passively waiting around approach, but it doesn't sound like this DP actually wants to get married.

Well obviously you were very silly to have a child with a man who didn't want to marry you.

He still doesn't.
Nothing has changed.

You have to accept it.
This is your life.

This is the life of a person who doesn't have respect for herself or boundaries.

Women with respect for themselves wouldn't dream of waiting around for some man🙄 to "hopefully come round" and they sure as shit wouldn't then go on to have a child with such a man.

If he doesn't want to marry you and you want to be married, what is the point of having a child with someone when you clearly are NOT on the same page.

You suck it up or move on.

He doesn't think enough of you to marry you, it really is that simple.

That you are even thinking of more children, still unmarried speaks volumes to your lack of respect for yourself.

Wake up and cop on, he has an idiot made of you.

Clearly you love him far more than he cares for you, and his behaviour mirrors that perfectly.

Apologies if that is too harsh for you but you really need to see the wood from the trees before you have another two child and are another 10 years down the line running after someone who secretly rather enjoys deny you something that is important to you.

Being on the same page BEFORE you have children re marriis critical.

Having children when you are NOT is clearly stupid, yet women keep doing it and finding themselves in your situation.

Good luck.

He clearly doesn’t want to marry you.

So it’s up to you to decide how important marriage and the security that it offers is to you.

If marriage matters, tell him “piss or get off the pot”
If it doesn’t, then carry on as you are.

But definitely get a will. See a solicitor and make a will. As it stands, if your partner died his parents could lay claim to your home. They might not get it, but they could fight for it and you could spend thousands that you don’t have trying to keep a roof over your heads.

Tell your bf the wedding you want is simple, intimate and very affordable. He may be thinking he needs £30k to give you the wedding if your dreams, when in actuality £3k would be ample for a very simple wedding.

It’s all your choice. But if you do give him an ultimatum, you must follow through with it. What would you expect from him if you said ‘we either get married before Christmas or we put the house up for sale and go our separate ways first week of new year’

@MarieIVanArkleStinks

Why must you wait for a proposal? Propose to him! At least you'll have your answer either way.

This is what Inwas thinking too.

But the OP needs to think about what she will do if the answer is no.

@SpiderinaWingMirror

For the love of Mike, just ask him to marry you. Book registry office, job done.

She's already done this by making it crystal clear she wants to marry him.

He's made it crystal clear (so far anyway) that he does NOT want to marry her.

I'd hold off on booking the registry office if I were the OP, although I'd keep Mike as a future option

As seems to be pretty common OP, he's got everything he wants here without having to commit to marriage.

Being married can affect important things that you might not even think about when you are younger. Like being treated as next of kin by hospital staff if your partner gets ill. Even - being the one who can arrange a funeral. I know that sounds grim, but I've just watched a friend who had been with her partner for 10 years first battle with the hospital and his parents to be fully involved in what was happening. Then he died. Then his parents exercised their legal right as next of kin to organise his funeral, ignoring what she told them about his wishes. So it isn't as simple as just making sure you've taken care of financials and house ownership. Sit him down - explain how much it means to you.

Stop giving HIM the financial benefit of marriage.

Sell the house, get your own mortgage and buy your own house. He doesn't want marriage? Then stop carrying him.

He could very well end up taking the equity you have largely built up and then buying a house with his future 1st wife. Don't add to the sting of such a marriage by you effectively funding their new life too.

Personally no way would I be with someone for 7 years and not be married or at least engaged. I certainly would not have a child.

Tell him you are happy for just the 2 of you to go to the register office and get married so it will be nice and cheap and see how he reacts

You only own half the house. I’d start paying half and saving the rest. For your child, for your wedding to someone else, for whatever you want. You want a marriage, he doesn’t, he shouldn’t assume that he gets all the benefits anyway.

As other posters have said, it sounds like he doesn't want to marry you unfortunately.

I have so many friends in similar situations - kids, mortgage but no marriage because the men won't commit. One male friend told me he wanted to have a child with his girlfriend to see "if she was a good mother" before he married her - in reality, he thinks he can do better than her so despite a 6 year relationship and a child, he won't marry her and will eventually cheat or leave.

I think you need to have an open conversation with your partner and say you either agree to marry and this conversation is your engagement, or if you feel very strongly about marriage you may need to leave him. What are his true reasons for not wanting marriage, don't let him deflect with costs etc arguments.

Womens idea of a "wedding" can be scary and expensive to some men.
You need to clarify your expectations to calm his fears so perhaps he can then progress to proposing.
He has made financial commitments of +25 yr and lifetime commitments having a child. Hopefully he will see this as the next logical step if you only want marriage legally then go for a small registry office ceremony.

Have you tried proposing to him?? If he says no and its important to you then walk away.