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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He won’t marry me. AIBU?

469 replies

anonnancy · 09/09/2021 07:48

Hi all.
From reading other posts similar to mine I suspect I know the answer to my question!

I have been with DP for 7 years. We have a beautiful 20 month old DS and he is the light of our lives. We own our home (both names
On the mortgage) and split bills fairly based on how much we earn (I do earn more than DP so I pay more to make it fair).

But he just won’t put a ring on it!

I love him very much, and when I probe him about it he just says “he can’t give me the wedding I want” (not sure what sort of wedding he thinks I want because even I don’t know that!) and I respond “it’s not the wedding I want it’s the marriage”. Still no proposal.

I’ve joked to have no more children until I am married. Seems to have little effect!

I didn’t think I’d be that bothered, but out of our group of friends we are the only couple still not married. I’m starting to get upset when I see friends or others I know that are getting engaged, because I am not. I know that sounds so pathetic! I just want to be his wife and he be my husband, but do I sit and wait for it to potentially never happen?

I certainly don’t want to feel like I’m forcing him down the aisle and I’d like him to marry me because he wants to and he sees his future with me. I don’t want him to propose because he thinks it’s what he should do / because he thinks I’ll leave otherwise.

I just feel a bit deflated by it all really and starting to struggle handling my emotions surrounding it..

I am very aware I probably sound like a needy / spoilt wench! Just need to vent to people who don’t know me I guess!

OP posts:
ilovemydogandmrobama2 · 09/09/2021 10:04

One of my colleagues put it really well when he was telling me about him and his partner and their low budget wedding.

He said, 'I want a marriage and not a wedding...'

I thought this was lovely.

Maybe your DP feels the same - he doesn't want a big wedding?

HarebrightCedarmoon · 09/09/2021 10:04

Propose to him. If he says no then split up. A mortgage and a baby are a bigger commitments but marriage provides you both with legal rights you wouldn't have otherwise.

colouringindoors · 09/09/2021 10:05

This is bitchy but I'd tell him that since he declines to make you a legal unit with combined finances, you'll follow his lead and keep them separate. All your assets are being left direct to your DC, and you think the two of you should contribute strictly 50:50 from now on.

Totally agree. I don't think it's bitchy. If he won't commit to marriage then why should you financially reward him. I'd personally change your DC surname to yours as well.

ExceptionalAssurance · 09/09/2021 10:06

It isn't remotely bitchy.

DevonBelles · 09/09/2021 10:07

@HarebrightCedarmoon

Propose to him. If he says no then split up. A mortgage and a baby are a bigger commitments but marriage provides you both with legal rights you wouldn't have otherwise.
surely she HAS proposed to him????

she has told him she wants to get married (to him.)

If that's not a proposal I don't know what it is.

and he's said no.

echt · 09/09/2021 10:07

I'd personally change your DC surname to yours as well

The OP has not said whose surname the child has.

HarebrightCedarmoon · 09/09/2021 10:13

She has mentioned it but it needs to be presented as a deal breaker, not something she is going to wait around for on the off chance. Also you need to make wills.

MimiDaisy11 · 09/09/2021 10:13

Why not suggest you book the registry office for sometime soon and see what he says?

Some people hate the idea of being on show and all the attention with a wedding. Could it be that?

Sakura7 · 09/09/2021 10:13

YANBU to want to get married, and you're not being needy at all. Probably the opposite actually considering the situation you're in now.

It seems pretty clear that he doesn't want to marry you, unfortunately. Right now it probably feels easier to stay together and try to move past it, but longer term I really don't think that's a good option. You will feel that something is missing and you'll come to resent him. Also I hate to say it, but with these non-committal types there is a strong possibility that he will leave you when he finds someone he does want to marry.

You're deserve to be with someone who wants the same things you do. You don't have to settle.

PersonaNonGarter · 09/09/2021 10:14

@echt

I'd personally change your DC surname to yours as well

The OP has not said whose surname the child has.

Yeah, but we’re old hands here and we all know he will have insisted on his name and the OP went along with it…
TwinsandTrifle · 09/09/2021 10:16

@anonnancy

So have you told him you don't want a big bells and whistles wedding? If his reasoning is he can't give you the wedding you want, is he right?

I got married for the second time, and was clear to DH that I didn't want any kind of big do. And we got married just the two of us, with two Chelsea pensioners as witnesses at a very famous registry office, for £300. Then we had a nice meal in London. It doesn't have to be in your jeans at the registry office down the road. There are many beautiful places you can choose for just the two of you and maybe your best mates.

So, would you be happy with that, or are you a bridezilla? I'm not being off, it's trying to understand what his objection is. There's no way I'd have been donning a big white gown in front of 200 people. I wouldn't have got married if that was a condition.

Have you given him a quiet, intimate option?

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 09/09/2021 10:18

[quote Dogsandbabies]@toconclude think what you like of my comment. I personally I find the notion that all women benefit from marriage and dependent on a man both offensive and ludicrous. I am encouraging my daughter to be independent, equal and happy rather than to marry for security. [/quote]
I agree with this, and marriage was never particularly important to me either. I'm a professional, as is my husband, and am financially independent.

But a PP's detailing of the legal position made me see why this was essential. My mother suffered a short illness and died very suddenly. The realistic implications of what might happen to my partner and me in a legal sense, should one or the other of us get sick, incapacitated, or die, were brought starkly home to me. I had no other close relations aside from siblings, whom I love dearly but are incapable of managing even their own affairs, and an abusive father from whom I'd been estranged throughout adulthood. The thought of him being asked to make any decisions as to my health or wellbeing were appalling.

My then partner had proposed to me five years into our relationship, but the deaths of several loved ones and then forging a career eclipsed this with other priorities. A further five years later, when he asked what we should do to celebrate our decade together, I (re)proposed to him.

So I thought marriage didn't matter, but in the end, it did.

ItsNotMeAnymore · 09/09/2021 10:22

I’ve not read all the replies

My DH and I got married for work visa reasons. I literally was t fussed about it at the time. We had a lovely day but being married doesn’t mean anything to me. I’d have preferred a civil partnership for inheritance tax reasons.

The OP says she doesn’t want to force her partner to marry her but that’s what she is doing. He doesn’t want to get married and that is surely his right unless he has previously promised her he would then I don’t think he has done anything wrong. I don’t understand why so many women buy houses and have kids and only afterwards decide that marriage is important. If marriage was actually important to them you would have thought they would have thought about it previously. The OP said I didn’t think I’d be that bothered, but out of our group of friends we are the only couple still not married This sounds like she wasn’t fussed about getting married herself. 🤷🏻‍♀️

I completely understand why women, especially those who don’t earn as much as there partners want to get married but I also understand why some people don’t want to get married.

ExceptionalAssurance · 09/09/2021 10:23

Mmm, she hasn't, but we all know what happens the very large majority of the time. Fair play OP if DC has yours though!

Frazzledmummy123 · 09/09/2021 10:23

Is he socially anxious about being the focal point of a large ceremony? (in which case suggesting a registry office with just two of you wouldn't be a problem).

Even although you have a house and child together, he feels he isn't good enough for you and his ego is in the way about you earning more, etc. His comment about not being able to give you the wedding you want could back this up?

Does he have experience of broken marriages among his family or friends? I know a couple who were together for years and had kids. It eventually it came out his parents and some family members were happy living together for years until they got married and then it fell apart. He was convinced marriage was a jinx. They ended up getting married and are still together Smile

Obviously there is a chance it could be that he just doesn't want to marry you, but you need one serious chat with him and establish what is going on. If it is a deal breaker for you need to tell him. His reaction will speak volumes.

BlackTee40 · 09/09/2021 10:26

I’ve joked to have no more children until I am married. Seems to have little effect!

Of course it won't, it's shutting the stable door after the horse has bolted Confused

OnTheBenchOfDoom · 09/09/2021 10:35

As the old saying goes if you really want something you will find a way, if you don't, you will find an excuse.

That's what his I can't give you the wedding you want crap is.

Did you ever discuss marriage before moving in together or having a child together?

I do know a woman who always wanted to get married, her partner dangled it a lot, move in, we'll get engaged, have a baby first, get engaged etc but he never put a ring on it as you say. The only thing that made him marry her was she was stopped at an airport a few years ago as she was travelling alone with the children. Her 2 children were questioned who is this woman to you? They were primary school aged. The children had her partner's surname. She had to ring her partner from the airport, he had to go home from work to email a copy of the birth certificates of the children to prove she was their mother. She was humiliated.

BillMasen · 09/09/2021 10:47

@thepeopleversuswork

Why do you want to get married if you earn more than he does? You have dodged a bullet I think.
Would you say that to a man?
BillMasen · 09/09/2021 10:50

@LittleOwl153

*We own our home (both names On the mortgage) and split bills fairly based on how much we earn (I do earn more than DP so I pay more to make it fair).*

STOP paying more. Work out what percentage if the house you have actually paid for and get it addressed. Then go 50:50 on everything going forward. You need to out aside the extra money for when he ups and leaves you and your DC. Because he will....

Oh ffs Paying more if you earn more is fair. In fact, a man NOT doing that is often called abusive on here.
flowersmakeitbetter · 09/09/2021 10:53

It's an excuse.

My friend had this with an ex-boyfriend. He definitely didn't want children but sat on the fence in terms of getting married. He just wouldn't commit.

In the end, she gave up and moved on. A year or so later he was married with a baby.

Hard as it might be I would give him a short sharp shock. Tell him that you really want to marry him but as he is unable to commit that you now need to cut your losses and move on. Start making plans to sell the house. Start discussing how you will share childcare. Take the emotion out of it and make it very matter of fact. See how he reacts. If he accepts it all without a fight you have your answer.

whynotwhatknot · 09/09/2021 10:55

If you booked a registry office wedding today what would he say

ifonly4 · 09/09/2021 10:58

I'd try talking to him again, tell him why you want to be married to him. If he says again he can't give you the marriage you want - ask him what he means by that - ie is he concerned about the cost, thinks you want a totally different type of wedding to him, is it he doesn't feel marriage he important or worst case scenario, he doesn't feel committed to the relationship in his own mind.

PrinnyPree · 09/09/2021 10:59

I proposed to my (now) husband after 9 years, although we never had the marriage discussion before and we got together when we were 20 so I think it was immaturity and financial insecurity that he hadn't proposed before then. I did have the children discussion before we officially tied the knot though (although we didn't start trying for another 7 years)

So yeah just propose, the reason I did is because if I was getting proposed to by him I wanted it to be because he had decided to take the initiative. It took the romance out of it for me to feel I had to badger and hint for a proposal. So since I wanted a romantic suprise proposal I proposed romantically to him whilst on a long weekend break.

As others have said though stop paying more than half on the mortgage thats an asset not a bill and he doesn't get to share your assets without being married, he can't have his cake and eat it too if he really won't marry you. I would also look into how much you've paid towards the house and get the ownership changed from 50/50 to your actual contributions.

AnneLovesGilbert · 09/09/2021 11:00

He won’t marry you. So either stay and put up with it or leave.

CheltenhamLady · 09/09/2021 11:02

I think that this is a conversation you should have had before having a child.

He is happy with the way things are, you are not.

You have to decide why he is happy?
Does he have a bad experience with marriage (parents?)
You have to decide if you can either accept his reasons (does he have them?) or cut your losses and move on.

Personally, I couldn't stay with someone who was happy to have a child with me but didn't think enough of me to marry him, when he knew that was what I really wanted.

Sorry to be blunt OP.

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