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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He won’t marry me. AIBU?

469 replies

anonnancy · 09/09/2021 07:48

Hi all.
From reading other posts similar to mine I suspect I know the answer to my question!

I have been with DP for 7 years. We have a beautiful 20 month old DS and he is the light of our lives. We own our home (both names
On the mortgage) and split bills fairly based on how much we earn (I do earn more than DP so I pay more to make it fair).

But he just won’t put a ring on it!

I love him very much, and when I probe him about it he just says “he can’t give me the wedding I want” (not sure what sort of wedding he thinks I want because even I don’t know that!) and I respond “it’s not the wedding I want it’s the marriage”. Still no proposal.

I’ve joked to have no more children until I am married. Seems to have little effect!

I didn’t think I’d be that bothered, but out of our group of friends we are the only couple still not married. I’m starting to get upset when I see friends or others I know that are getting engaged, because I am not. I know that sounds so pathetic! I just want to be his wife and he be my husband, but do I sit and wait for it to potentially never happen?

I certainly don’t want to feel like I’m forcing him down the aisle and I’d like him to marry me because he wants to and he sees his future with me. I don’t want him to propose because he thinks it’s what he should do / because he thinks I’ll leave otherwise.

I just feel a bit deflated by it all really and starting to struggle handling my emotions surrounding it..

I am very aware I probably sound like a needy / spoilt wench! Just need to vent to people who don’t know me I guess!

OP posts:
OrangeTortoise · 09/09/2021 08:27

As you earn the same as him, you are in a less vulnerable position than many of the women who post on here. The recent thread from an unmarried SAHM whose name wasn't on the house - now that really is lunacy.

I'm assuming you both work full time and he does his fair share of childcare and housework? (Important as otherwise you may be jeopardising a potential promotion by supporting him).

Also, make sure you are both sorted for wills.

Aprilx · 09/09/2021 08:27

I am sure nobody is going to think you sound like a needy, spoilt wench. You haven’t been needy enough in my book, as you started the family without the marriage. I wouldn’t be joking about no more children before a wedding, I would mean it.

Ultimately though what is the point, even if he does relent it will always feel like he didn’t want to marry you.

OrangeTortoise · 09/09/2021 08:28

Sorry, you earn more than him not the same.

thepeopleversuswork · 09/09/2021 08:30

But why would you want a civil partnership with someone who doesn’t want to marry you?

Seriously. People’s logic is so warped around this topic.

There are two schools of thought about marriage: one is the “it’s a financial contract/legal protection in the event of a split” approach (I am firmly in this camp).

Then there’s the school of thought that says marriage is an “expression of love/commitment”.

Under neither of these scenarios does the OP benefit from marrying this prince of a man, She will lose out in the (likely) event of a split because she is the breadwinner.

If you go down the “marriage is an expression of love” route you are also on a hiding to nothing: this guy has made it clear he doesn’t want to marry you. Who wants someone who has been bullied into it?

It just doesn’t make sense.

More importantly than all of this, he is untrustworthy. Don’t do it OP.

Dogsandbabies · 09/09/2021 08:31

Again, mn and the 'marry before you have children' brigade.

Clearly the OP is earning well, owns her part of the house. Why marry at all? It sounds like, if anything, marriage would put her at a disadvantage.

However OP, as you also want to marry for what sounds like sentimental reasons I would just sit him down and explain why you want to marry him. See what he says. I was very clear with my partner that I do not want to marry him. Ever. I explained all my reasons and he understood and made his peace with it. We have lovely children, a wonderful relationship and happy life. As well as good wills and arrangements.

UserAtLargeAgain · 09/09/2021 08:32

Why do you want to marry?
Why doesn't he want to?

Not really clear from the OP. It all sounds like vague feelings.

I would have a very close look at things financial and related to your DC, particularly checking that you are protected if the relationship breaks down or one of you dies/gets long term sick.

Babdoc · 09/09/2021 08:35

Marriage is a serious public commitment to a private personal relationship, involving vows of fidelity.
Your DP apparently either does not feel or want a commitment to you. You should be asking why not. The excuse about the wedding ceremony is beyond feeble.

whatswithtodaytoday · 09/09/2021 08:36

If you're not getting married, you need legal protection. I assume as you live together and have a child you've got wills already, but if not, get on that right now. Make sure you are executors of each others' wills.

Does his death in service and pension go to you? Some pensions only pay out to spouses - check. You'll need good life insurance, and critical illness cover would be sensible too. We also have cover to support our child in case anything happens to either of us, as we wouldn't get the widow's benefit (which is actually measly, our insurance is much better).

If there is any concern about his family trying to take over if anything happened to him (or yours) I would suggest getting Power of Attorney. We haven't bothered yet because our families are very chill, but we'll add it next time we update our wills.

If your estate is over 325k the surviving partner will pay inheritance tax on a portion of it when the other dies.

BuffySummersReportingforSanity · 09/09/2021 08:36

This is bitchy but I'd tell him that since he declines to make you a legal unit with combined finances, you'll follow his lead and keep them separate. All your assets are being left direct to your DC, and you think the two of you should contribute strictly 50:50 from now on.

You have a relatively rare advantage being the higher earner, so if he declines to marry you might as well take advantage of your money being your own.

Annoyedanddissapointed · 09/09/2021 08:40

If you want to get married, you propose.

It's absolutely not pathetic to want to get married, it is pathetic to keep waiting for proposal all upset, instead of doing it yourself and having a clear answer.

Annoyedanddissapointed · 09/09/2021 08:40

And i agree with others. Keep your finances seperate

WimpoleHat · 09/09/2021 08:43

You have a relatively rare advantage being the higher earner, so if he declines to marry you might as well take advantage of your money being your own.

Perfectly put by@BuffySummersReportingforSanity

Shoxfordian · 09/09/2021 08:45

Is it a dealbreaker if he never wants to get married?

PersonaNonGarter · 09/09/2021 08:47

He’s just not that into you.

InDubiousBattle · 09/09/2021 08:54

I think when you have a house and family together waiting to be proposed to feels a bit, well odd and dated! If you want to be married you just have to explain that to him and sort out a registry office. Would you be happy with a tiny registry office wedding or is there a grain of truth in the 'wedding you want 'comment? If there isn't then it's a ridiculous excuse not to marry someone.

diddl · 09/09/2021 08:55

You'll have no more kids?

Is that supposed to make him ask?

Do you know he wants more than one?

Onlinedilema · 09/09/2021 08:57

Oh dear op.
I would not have had a child without being married either, no way.
Who’s name does your ds have ? Yours I hope.
Tell your dh you want to get married next year and he can chose when and where then see what he says.
I can see his point if you want a big sparkling do. However if you are happy with a basic civil ceremony at a register office then the only reason he won’t marry you is because he doesn’t want to.
Sadly I have also witnessed the ‘I don’t believe in marriage’ type who then go on to marry someone else and always have the full works. Church wedding, fully suited and booted, lavish reception, lots of guests, expensive luxury honeymoon.

Lilyfalls · 09/09/2021 08:58

I’d be heartbroken if DH didn’t want to marry me, and that’s before children. I would take it as he just doesn’t love me enough.

Sorry I know that’s difficult to hear. But if he wanted to marry you then he would. So it’s up to you to decide how you feel about it.

ZenNudist · 09/09/2021 08:59

I am sorry but it's not that he doesn't want to marry. He just doesn't want to marry you.

If you earn more than him then it's actually in your favour to stay unmarried. Whatever you do don't go sacrificing career to do more childcare. Keep the split of time looking after the dc equal.

My friend who didn't get married recently broke up with the father of her 2 dc. They are coparenting well together and she doesn't have to deal with him getting a slice of her pension and her business. She doesn't get any of his investment properties or a cut of his family business. It seems to have been the most sensible decision all round not to get married.

You look after yourself and plan for your child's future.

I do think it's a shame to be stuck in this relationship where you clearly aren't all that important to him BUT getting married won't solve this. We all know men who don't seem that into their wives and know couples who divorce. The fact is that if he is not wholeheartedly on the same page as you then you can't force it. I know you say you're not going to force it. I'm sorry as I don't know how you deal with the hurt on this one.

drpet49 · 09/09/2021 09:04

* You’re not the one. It’s quite simple no matter how much he dresses it up. If he doesn’t want to marry you he’ll leave or cheat on the end anyway when someone he does want to marry comes along.*

*utter rubbish.

drpet49 · 09/09/2021 09:05

I know 2 couples, been together over 25/30 years unmarried, very happy. Not everyone wants to get married.

toconclude · 09/09/2021 09:07

@Dogsandbabies
It's nothing to do with a 'brigade', what a stupid and dismissive comment, entirely missing the fact that in most cases there are clear legal benefits. Maybe not in OPs case but usually.

toconclude · 09/09/2021 09:08

@drpet49

I know 2 couples, been together over 25/30 years unmarried, very happy. Not everyone wants to get married.
And? They are not OP, so that's completely irrelevant.
LittleOwl153 · 09/09/2021 09:09

We own our home (both names
On the mortgage) and split bills fairly based on how much we earn (I do earn more than DP so I pay more to make it fair).

STOP paying more. Work out what percentage if the house you have actually paid for and get it addressed. Then go 50:50 on everything going forward. You need to out aside the extra money for when he ups and leaves you and your DC. Because he will....

Wisteriac43 · 09/09/2021 09:11

I'm upset/ concerned that you describe yourself like this:
I am very aware I probably sound like a needy / spoilt wench!

Wanting to be married is completely normal and I wouldn't consider it needy in the slightest. Your partner is allowed to not want to get married, but I think he really needs to be upfront with you about it. Please don't be so hard on yourself for wanting to be married - it's a privilege for both partners to have the commitment.

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