He won’t marry me. AIBU?

[anonnancy]

Hi all.
From reading other posts similar to mine I suspect I know the answer to my question!

I have been with DP for 7 years. We have a beautiful 20 month old DS and he is the light of our lives. We own our home (both names
On the mortgage) and split bills fairly based on how much we earn (I do earn more than DP so I pay more to make it fair).

But he just won’t put a ring on it!

I love him very much, and when I probe him about it he just says “he can’t give me the wedding I want” (not sure what sort of wedding he thinks I want because even I don’t know that!) and I respond “it’s not the wedding I want it’s the marriage”. Still no proposal.

I’ve joked to have no more children until I am married. Seems to have little effect!

I didn’t think I’d be that bothered, but out of our group of friends we are the only couple still not married. I’m starting to get upset when I see friends or others I know that are getting engaged, because I am not. I know that sounds so pathetic! I just want to be his wife and he be my husband, but do I sit and wait for it to potentially never happen?

I certainly don’t want to feel like I’m forcing him down the aisle and I’d like him to marry me because he wants to and he sees his future with me. I don’t want him to propose because he thinks it’s what he should do / because he thinks I’ll leave otherwise.

I just feel a bit deflated by it all really and starting to struggle handling my emotions surrounding it..

I am very aware I probably sound like a needy / spoilt wench! Just need to vent to people who don’t know me I guess!

For some reason he thinks I am not serious

Possibly because you have asked so often for marriage and he hasn't come up with the goods, BUT you are still there.

Why would he think this time was any different?

Until you act, he won't accept it.

I do think you ought to be fair to him though and give him the heads up so he can plan his own finances and find a place to live.

I too wouldn't be surprised if he does a U turn when he realises you are serious. Perhaps finally then he will open up more about why he is/was so against it.

I'm sorry you're having a horrible time. How is your relationship generally? Do you feel loved/cherished on other ways? Or does his lack of commitment seem to spill out into day to day life?

Sorry your update isn’t more positive OP. You are strong and in a strong position. Get saving. Talk to someone in real life if you can. Best wishes.

I'm sorry it has come to this. I understand your position. And it doesn't make sense that he's holding back on marriage sadly. I value marriage highly, and wouldn't have kids before marriage. I know it doesn't always work out like this though. Just offering support to your stance.

Sorry to hear your update OP. If I were you I'd have a go at getting him to agree to a change of surname by deed poll before you let on that it's over. Get it double barralled, seriously, I know you don't like your name but you'll be glad you did it. He might not go for it because, as you can clearly see now, he's a misogynist and an asshole who values his ego more than your happiness, but its worth a go. You can probably force it via the court at a later date if he doesn't agree. Good luck.

@Somethingsnappy

I too wouldn't be surprised if he does a U turn when he realises you are serious. Perhaps finally then he will open up more about why he is/was so against it.

I'm sorry you're having a horrible time. How is your relationship generally? Do you feel loved/cherished on other ways? Or does his lack of commitment seem to spill out into day to day life?

Fully expecting a U-turn but I think for me it will be too little too late.

If he can’t marry me now but suddenly will when I’m half way out the door then it just shows he’s clearly doing it to keep me sweet.

We’ve always had a good relationship. He is really laid back and a bit of a plodder in life and I am quite ambitious. He isn’t the most affectionate man to roam the earth but tbh I am not overly affectionate myself so it’s never been a problem to me.

He makes a lot of effort for birthdays and Christmas, but Valentine’s Day and anniversaries he forgets about but not sure if that is just standard man thing?

Sorry to hear the update OP.

I do think he needs to know you are deadly serious.
Stop sleeping together, no intimacy.
Completely overhaul your finances.
Separate as much as you can, whilst you both save up.

Your last post was telling in that you said he had no drive, this is probably why nothing has happened in the last 7 years and he hasn't needed to seriously evaluate his life more than a few months ahead. The above will certainly make him focus on what's important to you and therefore if it's also important to him - he probably hasn't had to do this ever

My husband is crap at all 'dates' - birthdays, anniversaries, valentines etc. I don't mind, it's not important to me, however, I know it can be a deal breaker for other women

You’ve been clear op. Don’t marry him if he says ‘go on then’ when you say are off. You’ve spoken and said you want it and it’s still a no. His reasons are spurious. I can’t give a big wedding. You say I’m happy with registry office. He says no still. He’s not even bothered to do what a lot of men do to fob women off - engaged but not get around to setting a date.

Sorry this is your outcome OP, I really don't understand some fellas, clearly doesn't realise how fortunate he is 💐

He doesn’t see a long term future with you, but he’s happy to shack up with you/have kids until he meets Ms Right.

Have the children you want to have, because you don’t want to regret not having them in ten years’ time when he is still stringing you along. But assume going forwards that he has one foot out of the relationship, and act accordingly - no financial subsidies, keep your assets separate, make sure he covers 50% of the childcare costs and you have your own savings and pension. Then when he meets the woman he does want to marry, you won’t be too badly screwed over.

Sorry it has come to this OP, it is sad but at least now you know for certain the lie of the land and can get things in motion to move on with you life. I would advise you get legal advice over the house now so that no surprises pop up when you get set to sell. Best of luck with it all.

Thanks all. I feel worn out, heart broken (cheesy phrase but sadly true!), relieved I have an answer and I know where I stand.

My heart just hurts a bit at the moment x

@anonnancy

Thanks all. I feel worn out, heart broken (cheesy phrase but sadly true!), relieved I have an answer and I know where I stand.

My heart just hurts a bit at the moment x

I'm so sorry, OP.

It sounds as if it's been hurting for some time, though. And he's never been prepared to do the thing that would fix it. Again, he's not obliged to want to marry, but he'd be more of a man if he had been honest and owned it with you, rather than the weaselly fake excuses he tried to use.

I'm so sorry OP, I can imagine it is very painful.

You sound like a reasonable woman that has been really disrespected.

Love is a delicate thing and it is very unwise to take it for granted.

Whatever you say about him, he's full of himself and has massively taken your love for granted.

I think he has made a big mistake.
I think you rightfully have a sense of your own self worth and I think you should break up with him sooner rather than later.

He thinks he's some catch and you will just suck up his disregard for your feelings.

I think you are too good for him.

Get organised quietly and dump him.
Get the house valued and take all the control that he thinks he has away from him.

You are too good for him.

So so sorry OP. Please stay strong, be kind to yourself, buy yourself treats now and the . You are a very brave woman and I admire you.

OP, I think you've handled this admirably. The thing that really stood out for me, was when you said that you felt like "what's wrong with me, why aren't I good enough to marry?".

I just want to say, from this thread, you very clearly are. The issue is with him, not you. And two things I want to share with you (as it happened to my cousin)...

1. Don't be surprised if he marries the next person he meets. Not because they're better than you, but because he's realised he's going to get dumped again and learned from his mistake. So it will be "yes" from the start to save his ass.

2. If the next person you meet (especially if they are a divorcee) doesn't want to get married, don't think this means you are somehow proven to be unworthy. Two is not a pattern.

With my cousin, she was with a complete string along merchant for a decade. After all those years of her wondering why she wasn't good enough to be a wife, she couldn't take anymore and left him. He married quickly after. They've separated already, incidentally. She then met a guy, who had been married before for 13yrs, and was 2yrs post divorce. He was lovely, but genuinely didn't want to re-marry any time soon after how bad his divorce was. She met another guy, who was basically just a dick. And then she met her now husband

I'm so sorry OP. There's an outside chance that with a bit of time to let it sink in he will process this and make it right but I wouldn't hold out hope.

You now know where you stand and you are worth more than being strung along by someone who won't commit properly when they know it is so important to you.

@DevonBelles

I'm sorry it's come to this *@anonnancy*

However, don't be surprised if he does a U-turn once you start the ball rolling to sell up.

He won't be the first or last man to realise that you meant what you said, at the 11th hour.

Whether you still want him then is another matter though.

I can't see why he is refusing to get married. Can you?

He's falling back on the money / cost but is it really about his commitment to you?

He's already got a huge commitment to your son and so we assume your DP will part of your lives forever.

If I were you, I'd not lie or hide the fact now that you want to leave.
Just tell him and if you earn more, save that anyway and get on with selling up.

It's only then that the reality will hit him.

Not sure why he will be back to his parents though. Does he not earn enough to buy a home of his own?

If we were to sell up and split the equity then (unless we made mega bucks on the house), I don’t think he would be able to secure a mortgage on his own. I also don’t think he could afford a mortgage as well as utilities / food / cost of living etc. He maybe could rent but things would be really tight for him. He doesn’t have any savings that I am aware of. He has a few debts (loans / finance that we took out for a new boiler / new front door etc.) that he could pay off out of the equity from the house. He also has a credit card bill he seems to always be paying off yet never clear it.

His monthly income after tax is roughly £1650 and I earn around £2100 after tax and pension contribution. Even if (and that is a very big if) I could secure a mortgage on my own I think I could scrape by but it’d be tight. I have some savings but would like to build them up a bit more tbh. DS has a bank account but P holds it in trust (not me) but he has given me log ins etc. To view the account and we both pay into this each month, but I think I am going to set up a separate account for DS in trust that I can put my own money for him into from now on.

My head hurts from thinking all of this over and over and trying to figure out a plan.

@anonnancy So, roughly, your income is about £32K and his is about £23K a year.

Without knowing where you live, it's impossible to know if he could buy a home on that income. In some parts of the UK it would be quite possible.

One thing that struck me- why when you are each on that kind of income, are you putting money away for your son not yet 2, into a trust fund?

DH and I were relatively comfortable - I didn't work for several years once we had DCs - yet we never even thought of putting money aside for the kids. We did manage to save and now when they are adults we are able to help them out with house deposits but that's only been possible as we both increased our earnings towards the end of our careers.

I think it might be worth you seeing a good financial advisor. You may find you can save in a different way which you can still pass onto your child in the future.

BUT at the moment given how tight money is - and he has outstanding debt on credit cards- saving for your son ought to be way down the list. Any money expert would tell you/him to clear credit card debts before saving (for a child).

It sounds as if your finances are quite separate which doesn't sound like a great partnership anyway!

It does come over as if you are two single people who happen to be buying a home together, but have never really sat down and worked out how to use both your incomes so it's fair and sensible.

He's spending and running up debts for himself and you are carrying the can for more on the house etc.

My view is you should both contribute the same amounts, and if you earn more and that means you can save more, so be it.

If he was in a house share, he'd not be able to pay less for rent or utilities just because he earned less than his house-mates.

It comes over as if you are supporting him- and he's not behaving like a grown up.

I think its great you are putting money aside for the kids.

Sorry to hear this OP but at least you do know where you stand.

To be honest I think you will feel you dodged a bullet when you are out the other side of this.

@worriedaboutwebsite

I think its great you are putting money aside for the kids.

There is ONE child aged 20 months.

The DP is running up shedloads of interest on outstanding credit card debts.

That's hardly managing money well, is it?

Get rid of debts before saving for a child.

He has a few debts (loans / finance that we took out for a new boiler / new front door etc.) that he could pay off out of the equity from the house.

Why are these debts his OP?

Is the boiler now half yours and he is still paying off his half?
Do you 'own' half the front door and he's still paying off his part?

Surely if it's a joint mortgage , you share expenses such as a new boiler and door?

Comes back to the same thing, though.

You aren't actually 'in' this as a couple, sensibly managing your joint incomes.

Saving for a child when he/ you owe money for basics like a front door and a boiler (and have CC debts) is madness.

Ultimately the dress, flowers, speeches etc are nice but not important. A marriage is a commitment that he either wants to make or doesn’t. It’s not just ‘a piece of paper’ it’s a legal document. This may not be a popular comment but how many people get married because their partner is dying and the reality that the person that should be their next of kin isn’t and therefore not entitled to make decisions (or half the property as there’s no will either). Some frank and honest conversations need to be had and if you agree to marry, great. If not, at least get wills if you already haven’t.

OP,
You are definitely subsidising a man who doesn't want to marry you.

I think you have been far to kind because you thought you were in this together.

You are not.

He is using you financially.

You need to start massively pulling back financially and protect yourself.

This man does not have your back.

You need to harden that head and heart and see this situation for what it is.

Stob subsidising his life and debts.

Protect yourself.