I am a sahm - AIBU

[Mintchocchip35]

So dh and I have decided that I will not return to work after 2nd mat leave ends. I was previously a teacher. This is more my idea but dh is supportive either way. He runs his own business and works very long hours usually 6 days a week. He loves it and it is his passion.
So the arrangement will be my 3 year old will go to nursery 3 days a week and my 1 year old will go 1 day a week so I will have one day to myself a week. We also have a cleaner 2 hours a week. So in this instance would you consider all cooking, washing, tidying etc to fall to me even on weekends? Interested to hear your opinions.

I would expect you to do the vast majority of it, yes.

Yes, obviously!

In your shoes I would expect to do at least 80% of the house/kid stuff.

I would expect you to do the lion's share. I did as a SAHM when my youngest went to pre school a couple of mornings a week.

In the main yes I do. I think a lot of SAHPs do the majority without the benefit of a cleaner and the nursery.

Yes vast majority definitely... although I'd expect a normal level of engagement from DH on weekends so clearing away dirty dishes and helping bath kids etc

Yeah, 100%. You've said yourself, he works 6 days a week. You'll get a day completely to yourself which will only increase when you get free hours etc.

He won't get that.

I think weekend cooking should be shared, so long as both the adults are free.

During the week, if he works longer hours than a standard day it sounds like maybe yes you could do more of the household chores. But looking after a one year old isn't exactly a holiday! You will have a day to yourself in the week, so maybe you could consider that he has some time to himself on one of the weekend days? I don't think everything should fall on to you over the weekend though. Weekends should be more shared. The key is to make it feel fair. Work as a team, share the load when you can.

@Mintchocchip35

So dh and I have decided that I will not return to work after 2nd mat leave ends. I was previously a teacher. This is more my idea but dh is supportive either way. He runs his own business and works very long hours usually 6 days a week. He loves it and it is his passion. So the arrangement will be my 3 year old will go to nursery 3 days a week and my 1 year old will go 1 day a week so I will have one day to myself a week. We also have a cleaner 2 hours a week. So in this instance would you consider all cooking, washing, tidying etc to fall to me even on weekends? Interested to hear your opinions.

Why are you even asking

I had a similar set up when my DH young. I used to find not much needed doing in the house at the weekend as I got on top of it during the week. We’d spend most of the weekend doing fun stuff and then I’d sort the house out on the Monday.

What do you think you should be doing OP?

When I lived in Dubai the majority of women who couldn't possibly work had full time maids at home and their kids were in school full time. They possibly couldn't fit work in around their lunches, guests, salon visits etc

If he's working 6 days a week he has 1 weekend day.

You have 1 day with no one in the way (both children in nursery and DH at work), two days with only 1 child and the other in nursery, 3 days with both children and then 1 day as a whole family. With a cleaner thrown in I'd expect to be doing 99% of the housework!

If your DH only has one day off a week and is working to pay for everything I think he'll burn out really quickly if there's household responsibilities added in too. Obviously normal bits like playing with children etc but not deep cleaning bathrooms etc!

Yes, absolutely.

When you’re both home and no one is working, I’d expect it to be 50/50. By that I mean he doesn’t just get to go off to the pub or sit and watch tv and leave you to care for the children and do all housework. Having worked long hours in a demanding job with a long commute and being at home with two young children, being at home was far more exhausting! When he’s home, I’d expect him to be an equal partner, though I’d expect in his off hours he does more with the children than you because he doesn’t see as much of them during the week and then you can do anything you need around the house.

With a cleaner and a full childfree day, I wouldn’t expect there would be loads to do on the weekend though, except cooking or loading the dishwasher or washing clothes, which isn’t much effort. Dh and I manage that with 2 busy FT careers, no cleaner and no childfree days.

Yes and no. I wouldn't expect him to do literally nothing - I would assume he would cook once at the weekend, help tidy up after dinner, that sort of thing - but that you would do 80-90% of it. I assume your 1 year old naps so as well as the day completely to yourself, you also get an hour or so 2 days a week to catch up on things.

Yes

Yes - during the weekdays you should be doing it all. You'll have a whole day to get stuff done so I personally wouldn't have a cleaner - I would blitz the house, food shop and do some batch cooking on this day so I can chill and enjoy the children on the other days.

However, if you can afford it - why not? I think it would be a bit mean of you to get your dh to do more than "tidy up as you go along" at weekends.

You should both be tidying up after yourselves on weekends but washing and bigger jobs can easily be done during the week so there shouldn’t be much housework to do at weekends. He’s around one day a week, he should be spending it with the DC so he can have a meaningful relationship with them.

You’ll have plenty of time to do things, for you, for the DC, for the house.

What do you think? Are the two of you in agreement?

I’d expect you to stay on top of things, especially stuff like the washing, so that not much needs doing come the weekend. I’d expect your DH to do the bulk of the kid stuff because I’d expect him to actually want to spend quality time with his children and it doesn’t sound like he gets the opportunity during the week. Things like cooking and cleaning then if your DH isn’t working then I would expect it to be 50:50. If neither of you want to do it, which is fair enough, then should budget allow I would suggesting eating out or get a takeaway at least once to reduce the burden.

Monday to Friday yes, but at weekends it's 50/50 x

Yes, of course you should do it. How would anything else be remotely fair?

absolutely yes.

No, I don't think so actually. I do most of it in my house (also a SAHM), but my dcs are older and easier. A one and a three year old are full on. Obviously, you've got preschool for the older one, but I'm guessing that is only school hours or just mornings or something?

On the day you have to yourself, you could do what the cleaner normally does though, so I probably wouldn't feel I could justify the cleaner.

SAHM here. I do all the cooking. Including weekends. Always have done and I really don't mind. But that doesn't mean you should have to.

I'd say with that amount of nursery care and a cleaner. Yes, you should be doing most things. There's no excuse not to is there?!